New Year - Same People

you get it now i think?
after a year of all this
this madness
lets do a roll call shall we?
yes.
lets.
well there was:
Zowie (Zowster) - the painter
she started all this
too young for me
she said 18
but was really 17!
i still made time
and we picnicked
danced
drew interest to authors
writers
and painters
drank sometimes
but she lived very far
and i'd drive an hour
after a long day of work
to spend time in her mansion
with her family
playing pool
drinking
fondling ourselves in the backyard
her sweet tight body
begging for me
to lick it
she was:
too young for me then.
and unemotional.
cold
i couldn't stand it
and i wanted more.
the night i was suppose to
do the deed
i let her go
out of my palms
because it didn't feel right
to have sex with her
if my heart wasn't in it
Dru (Jiffy Pop)- i felt she deserved some kindness
someone to show her some heart
and i did what i could
but it just didn't work like i thought it would
it was forced
unrealistic
i couldn't tame the Dru
followed shortly by Beckie (Manteca):
the fashion artist
we'd drink all night
and pass out on each-others shoulders
staying up late
and watching Miami Vice
showing up at her fashion shows
unexpectedly
i'd drink
and drink
and with every drink
she'd be more okay
but when sober
i'd punch myself in my brain
god rhyming poetry sucks
ugh.
we didn't work either
because she wanted all of me
but i can't give that to someone
who's not deserving
call a spade a spade
and move on
then Lynn (Bakery Girl)
goofy and funny
she'd bring me coffee
treats
sweet bread
to consume me from inside out
for her i'd do those stupid things
that would usually make me angry
but somehow her laughter
brought me back down to earth
and we'd lay sometimes in the grass
and act like children
pawing each-other relentlessly
finally she broke
and said she was in love with another man
my response:
"if that's what you want, then do what you need, but i won't be here when you're feeling lonely"
she asked me one day
to take her to the doctor because she was feeling sick
"that's not my task. you have a boyfriend, have him take you."
she didn't understand it.
my woman
where ever she may be
if you're sick i'll come with soup
and take you to the doctor
i'll drop whatever i'm doing at work
and come for you
that's the rules
that's how you do this
but Lynn was not my woman
so i had no tie to her
so i told her to fuck off
and have a nice life.
maybe she did?
ok.
so.
Denise (Karen) - was warm and sweet
she awakened me
sexually
we'd have these intense wild sessions
and i'd show up at her apartment
around 2am
with a six pack of beer
and a some gummie bears
i can still taste her now
sweet Denise
why did you leave this state?
to pursue a career
i can't hate you for that
if only
it was a different time for us
something solid
could of formed
two jack rabbits
in the woods
with no worries
starring at the ceiling
being kind
human
to
ourselves
you came the closest
anyone has yet
to treating people with dignity
you'll always have a spot
anyway
enough of that sappy shit
lets move on
now:
the day that Denise left this state
i was suppose to spend the day with her
but there was Shana at the same time
and that night i had a choice
either say my good bye to Denise
or have a well needed talk with Shana
about our current positioning
it was a long and complicated thought process
but i ended up in Hollywood
with Shana (blondie)
we talked about what was going on
and how she did not need anything serious in her life
i said, "fine"
and then it happened
we kissed
it was nice
and every time we went into her room
and put out the light
and did what we felt
it felt right
her head nuzzled against my chest
felt unlike anything i'd experienced
since the begging of all of this.
i never let myself go
i learned that with Dru
so we played back and forth
like a cat with string
i didn't ever feel it going anywhere
until
i'd see the way she'd look at me
her face would light up
pupils dilate
and smile creeps across that beautiful face
something serious was brewing
i put it off for so long, not wanting to ask for much
enjoying what i had
but i knew
inside
that this had developed into some kind of beauty
and i couldn't fight that
with all this ugliness in the world.
but
her positivity
is nauseating
to me
somehow
it leaks into my veins like a virus
and her smile at me
makes me smile inside
and happy somehow
weird
i know.
she's infectious
some kind of good disease
i was
wanting to progress
i asked for a bit more of her time
and she refused to give me it
said she couldn't
said she wasn't into it
like i thought she was
so i had no choice
but to fast forward
and leave her alone
to brave it out on her own
best of luck to you kid
there's no going back
and as soon as that was done
i ran across
yup
you guessed it
Jessica
i don't have a nickname for her yet
she is smart
and interesting
talks a bit much sometimes
but i can tolerate her voice
she does not make me yell
inside of my head
at myself
and i do enjoy her company
she writes as well
she's ok.
:)
i don't have plans for her
yet.
this leads me to now.
there were some i missed in this
but they were ones that came
as quickly as they went
so i didn't find it necessary to integrate them
into the honor roll
and what have i learned?
much.
so much.
you women
you take
and manipulate
try to hold the power
whatever the fuck that means
i know it now
i know what i want
i know what i can tolerate
i can see it in you
before you even see it in yourself
your first three words give you away
in my chest
beneath all this booze
beats a good heart
waiting
for
one
of
you
to stop
being so petty
and fickle

Pick-up Isle 9 - Special Lady Time

started writing short story
for print
but it felt wrong
the words were forced
sodomy by vocabulary
it was about a girl i knew once (like most of this stuff)
who's mind was so consumed
with vanity
that she'd saw off the top of her head
to see how amazingly big her brain is
that was a metaphor of course
the brain bit there
metaphor
get it?
ok.
i gave up the story midway through
because it was very dry
like this girls tear ducts
because she didn't have emotions either
so crying wasn't something she'd register.
ok.
i'm on one tonight
maybe if i had a drink
it'll run out refined
and i could leave all this negativity somewhere
and use it later
but alas,
the scotch did nothing for me
if not only made my blood run hotter
a ha!
a cigarette to calm the nerves
putting my pants on
i stepped into the frigid Glendale night
as the door closed
i realized
i had no key
"fuck me"
i recited out loud, and walked around the block
smoking cigarettes and trying to put a story together in my head
waiting for my room mate to show up
and let me back into the ice box
finally i walked into the grocery store down the block
it's a Ralphs if you have to know.
i walked through the isles not really looking for anything
just killing time
until i saw a very beautiful girl all alone
out of the corner
of my eye
stalking her around the supermarket
i finally encountered her in one of the isles
i hadn't noticed, but as i walked up to talk to her
she was standing in front of the tampons
walls and walls of tampons around us
i felt extreme comfort
security
i could build a house out of tampons for her and i
and it would be soft inside
as if the tampons were giant pillows there to hold me
and let me play in them
softly jumping from one maxi pad to the other
without a worry or care in the world
i never felt this way around toilet paper
or paper towels
maybe it was the colors they used on the packages
the brawny guy isn't very welcoming
i don't feel like hugging him
but i wouldn't mind immersing my face
into a pile of pads
that were perhaps even better designed
than the pillow i use now
i was strangely comfortable there
"hello"
"hello" she responded with a smile
i was in love
at first sight
and she'll be lucky
if i write about her
like i write about you

nOw

it's okay now
i'm not drinking now
and everyone beautiful now
i don't dislike anyone
you're all okay
pretty
to quote Sedaris
"me talk pretty one day"
save what you want to save
be who you want to be
but don't expect
to see
me
on your sidelines
cheering
that's enough now
stop this nonsense
moment passed

Call It What you Want.

they won't miss you tomorrow
if you don't come by
the beers will find a way to get poured
the wine will make its way into the glass
and this world
despite what you think
won't end
you're not needed
and neither am i
or any of us for that matter
the mark you leave
is but a skid mark
on the underpants of life
you'll eventually be washed out
with large amount of clorox
or tossed
into the garbage
with the other shit stained underpants
we're not needed now
in this generation
where everyone.. and i mean everyone
has A.D.D
i don't think it's the hormones in the vegetables
or the smog
or the ozone layer
i think it's us
we can't
for the love of anything
pay attention for more than 3 seconds
to anyone
anything
without wanting something more
spoiled
we're all so spoiled
we consume like animals
and shit so much
that this world is knee deep
in
it
and it's not getting any better
because the parents get kinder
gentler
and the boys dress like girls
the girls are way too skinny
because that's sexy now
it's illegal in california
to be attracted to a woman
if she can't easily wear a fedora
ray-bans
and a potato sack for a shirt
what's happening to us?
did we all just give up?
so unoriginal
that we have to rip off
past fashion trends
and make them marketable?
there are
so many blank faces out there
vacant
empty bodies
bouncing off each other
begging for something
some religion
some fact
something to believe in
to make us whole
what you do today
won't matter
tomorrow
in the greater sense
all you can do
is be good to those
who deserve it
laugh at the ones that don't
and believe
mostly
in
white noise.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO SAVE THE WORLD
and the only thing you inspire
is an erection in our pants
the only thing you love
is to brag about yourself
and the only thing
that matters
is how you treat individuals
because in the end
they'll be no plaque for you
no ceremony
but the sorry saps who
stand around your grave crying
will remember you
so start piling those saps up
you're gonna need them to look good.

Deviants

i see
in
your beady
little eyes
something
sparkling
something
somebody else
left
be
hind.
i see
in my Jack of Hearts
a purpose
a symbol
an hour glass
always
half
full
in
the chaos
of
life
order will be had
puzzle
pieces
and the border first
group by color
group by chance
if it keeps
itself
somewhat
remotely
in
order
the
rest
will
work
itself out
damn
your
eyes

Pervert Lives in 203

Waking up always felt like disaster. a headache loomed with every eye opening, i had to blow the snot out of my nose, bladder always crying for evacuation, and my eyes took so long to adjust to the day. i followed my typical morning routine, although, i don't really know how many people piss and brush their teeth at the same time, or shit and shave, but hey, that's what they call efficiency right?

anyway, i cleared out the previous days coffee grounds and tossed them outside onto my herb garden. or what used to be an herb garden, they had all died about a month ago, now it's just a place where i throw my coffee grounds. you'll always live in my heart rosemary and sage, forever and truly mine. the cork on the top of the scotch bottle didn't want to come loose, i banged it against the tile a couple times to loosen it up and it still wouldn't ease open. scrambling through kitchen drawers i found a pair of blue handle pliers and decided, hey, why not right? i was just beginning to hear the bottle give and i knew instantly that it was going to break apart in my hands, i looked down into the sink and the plug was in there, so i let her crack right over the sink and all that scotch ran its way down my hands, down my elbows, i wanted to get it all in there. i wondered if my skin would open up and let the alcohol in?
then there was a knock at my door.
"shit"
right as i was turning the door knob, realizing, that i was only wearing my boxers, i scrambled around the couch and grabbed my robe.
i didn't want the UPS guy to get any ideas.
it was worse than i thought, it was one of those kids with a sorry look on their face selling cheap candy in very expensive tin cans.
"hello sir, my name is Evelyn, I’m trying to make some money so that i could go to Disneyland, i come from a poor neighborhood and have never been to Disneyland, would you be interested in seeing what i have to offer?"
-boy would i, she was sleek, small and slender, her big brown eyes kept darting back and forth, from me to her things, then over my shoulder, she was surveying her surroundings, getting comfortable, i could feel her tense, relax, then tense again.
"uh, i'm okay, thanks"
she bent down and started opening her goodie box (the one with the candy), she had defiantly been doing this a long time, her button up shirt opened a bit and i could see her white milky breast, she had been out in the sun, her skin was a bronze, dark, fierce color, but her breast had never see the light of day.
"we have these great gummie bears, and yogurt pretzels, a map of the united states, some salted almonds....."
"hey"
she was on her sales pitch and i stopped her midway, it was half assed sales pitch anyway. she looked up at me with those big brown eyes.
"how old are you?"
"17"
i took a step back, never breaking eye contact with her, and slammed the door closed in her face. i laughed a little at how much of a bastard i was turning back towards the kitchen.
the door bell rang this time
"oh fuck me"
it was her again, what the fuck right?
"yeah?"
"you don't have to be an asshole, i'm out here trying to get some money together, make an honest living, you think this shits easy? god i hate men."
i wasn't a total prick, so i backed up and started walking towards the kitchen.
"uhhh hello?"
"come in"
"i can't, and how do i know you're not an axe murderer who will skin me alive and then wear me as a suit?"
"i'm not asking you to sit on my couch, just step in the doorway so i can try to continue with my normal day ok?"
i could feel her hesitating, her damn thoughts were so loud i could hear them in the kitchen. she shuffled down the stairs and then i heard her come right back up. she took a step into the door way and i didn't look up. i was over at the sink with a strainer trying to get all the glass out of the scotch so i could pour it into a squeeze bottle.
"lets make a deal"
she just stood there looking around my apartment, it was a decent place, covered in cream colored paint and furniture was scarce, i didn't like having too much shit. shit causes clutter, clutter causes fucked up thinking, fucked up thinking causes misjudgment, and i can't have my judgment effected. that would be devastating.
"huh?"
"i said lets make a deal.. how much of that shit in your box have you sold today?"
she started starring down at her shoes and said, "none"
"how long you been out?"
"since 7am"
i glanced down at my watch, it was a quarter to noon.
"how much is all that stuff in your box worth?"
she was shy
"$60"
"that's not enough for a Disneyland ticket. you're getting ripped off girlie."
"so."
"so fuck that. i'll give you $80 if you just hang out for a bit. no funny stuff"
she was debating again, and i figured i'd catch her off balance
"my wallets on the coffee table, pick it up, check it out, i'm not lying."
she picked up my wallet and pulled out a $100 bill..
"hey hey.. i said $80.."
"no. i want this."
i got it now. this chick wasn't innocent, and she wasn't 17, and she sure as shit wasn't gullible, she had been around the block once or twice. i was being played for a fool. that whole bit with her bending down and the button up shirt was just a way so i could sneak a peek her her goodies (breast i mean) and start thinking with my dick and not my brain. the little broad was good, she knew how to move and when, the starring at the shoes, the indecisiveness, ahhh fuck this was going to be fun, i went on playing the "stupid rock hard cock for an underage girl" routine.
"how do i know you won't run out of here now and not make good by your word?"
"do i look like a cunt?"
that's the first time i heard a woman refer to herself as "cunt". i was impressed by her smug mouth.
"well..."
"asshole!"
"no no.. come on... simmer down, give me the layout, show me that shit in the box, sell me on it."
she went onto her pitch, and it was total shit, i just stood there with my coffee cup watching her make that shitty attempt for me to drop some cash. i fished some of scotch out of the sink into my coffee cup and walked over to my favorite chair.
"so why are you out on a Saturday going from door to door selling this stuff?"
"i told you, Disneyland trip."
"i don't believe you, come on, tell me why."
she hesitated again, and this time i knew she really was thinking, figuring, working out the scenario in her head.
"it's community service."
"for what?"
"i think i'm gonna go."
"hey, come on, i thought we had a good vibe going here, i really want to know, whats up?"
"i got caught with grass."
"weed?"
"uh huh."
i got up and walked over to the kitchen again for a refill.
"i think that's bullshit, it's legal now, somewhat, and if someone's gonna get high they're gonna get high, regardless of it being legal or illegal."
"i know.. right?"
"what's your name?"
"Molly"
i sat down in my chair again and offered her a seat. she sat and i could feel her tense up again.
“so Molly, what’s your work?”
“Non profit eco friendly independent tee shirt design for fundraising musicians”
I starred at her blankly. This is exactly the reason I never leave my apartment. People like Molly, with that smug look on their goddamn face, noses turned up in the air as if they had shit smeared across their upper lip. I couldn’t understand them, their constant struggle to save the world, save the environment, inspire love and light into everyone’s life. It makes me sick to my freaking stomach. She would probably never realize what a tool she is. Tools tend to surround themselves with other tools, so they can feel important and have constant approval. Everyone sits around stroking each other in her office, and they stay late into the night “burning the midnight oil”.
Give me a break.
"okay Molly, so how much of this community service you got?"
"what the fuck does it matter?"
"hey, i know a guy, a civil servant, he can sign all this shit off for you."
her eyes got real big, i saw her pupils dilate
"really?"
"yeah, just hang out for a bit and i'll give him a call, he'll take care of this for me."
"wait, why are you doing this?"
"i'm doing it because i think it's bullshit you got caught for grass. a world full of slave driving nazi fascist."
looking down at my coffee table she picked up one of the books i had laying about.
"you like Chinaski don't you?"
"i do"
"why?"
"because he never hid shit, he was honest, to a fault even, if he didn't think something was cool he said something about it. most people are so trapped in themselves they don't see what's going on with others around them."
"i know.. right?"
it got silent suddenly and i could tell she was trying to figure me out.
"would you care for a drink?"
"no i don't think i should"
"ok, well, i'm going to put this bottle of rum on the table, and a glass for you, if you don't take it, i will.."
"so what's your deal?"
"me?"
"yeah you, Mr. "i wear a robe all day?"
hahahaha
"i write sometimes."
"anything i've read?"
"depends on what you read"
”I’m really into the Twinelight series right now.”
Commence inward seething on my part.
“ugh, not really my deal, I write short stories, poems sometimes.”
“What’s your name?”
"Jeremy"
"Jeremy what?"
"Jeremy Paradise"
"i knew i recognized you, i saw you read at Bar 207 in downtown, you were really trashed that night."
"yeah"
"can i ask you something?"
"shoot."
"when was the last time you had a woman?"
"no comment"
"oh come on, i got to know, how the great Jeremy Paradise makes it through his days?"
"lots of porn"
she just laughed and then leaned over and poured herself one. i was feeling pretty good and i could tell she was just opening up.
"i think you should go Molly."
"what, why?"
"because if you stay any longer, i gonna have to rip those goddamn clothes off your body."
she tilted her head and starred at me for a second, examining again, this dame had it in for me, i knew she did, but it was better i got her out before we reached that point where i couldn't hold myself back.
she stood up and pulled her shirt off
"when was the last time you had a woman?"
"ahhh fuck, don't hit me with this shit again"
"no really"
"about 3 days ago."
"well don't you think it's time?"
i stood up and grabbed her.
pulling her against me, i felt that soft flesh against the bulge in my robe. she reached down and started rubbing me, i put my hands on her neck and could feel the heat rising in the room.
"i don't think we should be doing this"
"i want you to"
well fuck it then, i picked her up and shut the door with my foot, i dragged her into the kitchen and pushed my typewriter over to the edge of the table. we had our lips pressed hard against each other and my throbbing cock was begging for some warmness. i slowly unbuttoned her shirt, her quivering, me never breaking eye contact and killing her with the gaze. she put her feet up and pulled off her shoes, dropping them on the ground with a loud thump. her breast were light, like if Snow White took her shirt off, she had the left nipple pierced and i sucked on them with as much tenderness as i had in me. finally i pulled her head back by her hair and took her panties off. her vagina was hairless and welcoming, i dropped my pants and reached over towards the scotch still sitting in the sink.
"care for a hit?"
she just starred at me with those big brown eyes. i walked away into the bedroom and grabbed a condom, because everyone knows, you don't have sex with a stranger without bagging it, chick could be infected!
i slid on in and she moaned just a bit. it was comfortable in there, she wasn't too tight, not too lose, eventually i turned her over and took her from behind. she whimpered occasionally but kept silent most of the time, finally i grabbed her neck and started squeezing, waiting for her to give me the "i'm out of air" signal, she moaned and moaned, gradually getting louder, and finally i declared i was going to cum and she pulled forward.
"what the fuck?"
"i want you to cum on my face."
she bobbed her head back and forth and made loud, over enthused slurping sounds. finally i felt like it was time and i blew all over her face.
we both laughed
she got up walked over to the sink to rinse her face off..
"hey.. not into the scotch huh? use the other side."
we sat around and shared a smoke. i asked if i'd ever see her again and she said, "probably not". i accepted what it was, just a one time draw of luck, i shouldn't think of it anymore than that. it always seemed like these woman only wanted me for a short time, then they'd get bored and move somewhere else, it didn't bother me, they were just woman, unsure of themselves and what they really wanted.
"let me walk you down."
"no.. no i'll be fine."
before leaving, she wrote me a note and shoved it in my robe pocket.
we kissed at the door and said goodbye. i sat around for a while debating whether or not i should be writing this thing out, but figured, why not? it'll kill time. i felt the nicotine craving feeding at me so i broke a cigarette out and walked down the stairs.
i read the note and it said,
"my tantalized spirit
here blandly reposes
forgetting, or never
regretting it's roses-
it's old agitations
of myrtles and roses;"

hmmm... i had no clue what the fuck that meant.
i thought about her for awhile, i wanted to remember this time, this segment, these past minutes of my life.
i threw my cigarette into the street and as i walked back to my stairs there was something written in chalk on the first stair.
"BEWARE! Pervert lives in apt 203"

hahha
"that bitch"

i spit on the last number and walked up the stairs. leaving what needed to be left behind but moving forward towards a greater ball of mass waiting for me.

The Rail Road Pocket Watch

i have the watch
curled up on my sink
between my toothbrush
and razor blade
it catches me every morning
and every morning
it's a punch in the gut
and i lose my wind
i lose my mind
the watch is here now
in my lap
next to this bottle of
12 year Buchanana's
and i'm thinking
i'm thinking that maybe you shouldn't be reading this
as i shouldn't be writing it
but i'm also thinking that you don't read this anymore
so i have liberty to do what i want.
just as you have liberty to stop reading now
and never come back to this place
seems fair
honestly
if i didn't see you when i do
i don't think we'd be friends at all
and if wasn't for that place
we probably would of never ran across each other
we don't run in the same circles
the same cliques
you've got this pure thought of life
of the world
and that's nice
but i can never have that
because i don't want it
and when we argue
we're arguing two separate views of life
it might as well be Catholic vs. Nihilist
mixed feelings now
i must close it
leave it
know
that you'll never change
because the ones before you
and the ones after you
are just like
you
which may be true
for all of us
often,
people do very shitty things
and amazingly
i am no longer surprised by this
anger doesn't overtake me
laughing
hanging up the phone
laughing
smoking my cigarette
laughing
typing now
and laughing
it's the joke of life
the joke of the gods
when you acknowledge the good in people
but somehow
some way
they manage to shit
on the best things
and hold faintest, ugliest, most undesirable
towards their heart
the good guy never wins
because he won't let himself
he won't stop screaming at himself
in his head
about how much bullshit
how hypocritical
she is
so now the railroad watch
is still held in my lap
because no matter how distraught i am
it was given to me for a reason
i wish she could tell time

Just One of You

all it takes is one person
who forgets to push enter
because she's too busy shoving another
twinkie
in her goddamn mouth
and suddenly
my license is suspended
because she's some chick
who doesn't know what she's doing
but she's nice
and has big tits
and a nice smile
so they gave her the job
even though she's half awake
a known moron
and doesn't care
or pay attention
so when i say,
"is that it? everything taken care of?"
she nods her head and mutters yes
through her cream covered lips
and suddenly
6 months later
i receive a letter from the DMV
stating that if i don't pay
my $600 fine
i'm done
"that bitch. You're playing with my goddamn life!"
she doesn't care though
it was a mistake
but she'll learn
oh yeah she will
i'll write a goddamn letter a week
for the next 52 weeks
about her mistake
because if you're issuing licenses
at the DMV
then i'm worried about the kind of people driving
out here
if she's in charge
then we're all really fucked
and i'm concerned
not for her
but for all of us
us with children in the car
i can still see her vacant face
staring back at me
through the window

all it takes is one person
who is creeping along
trying to find parking
down Brand Blvd.
at 8pm
the day before Christmas
to back traffic up for 3 blocks
because they don't want to park on a side street
and beyond them
long stretches of open road
thank you kind sir
for being inconsiderate of everyone behind you
not like we have families
or loved ones
to get home to

all it takes is one person
who is half alive
behind the counter at the pharmacy
to hand me the wrong medication
and have me go ape shit

and all it takes is one person
to see me foaming at the mouth with rage
dislike
and cynicism
to reach over and put their hand on my shoulder
and say,
"can i buy you a beer?"
"thank you."

I'm Not Drunk Enough for This

Jeremy took a hit off the scotch bottle and stared blankly into the air. he was waiting. waiting for what? he wasn't sure. a phone call, a knock, someone to reach out and grab ahold. but somehow he knew, none of that would ever come, it was an illusion he kept in his head so that he was always ready, always having the feeling of being watched, judged, distracted.
he didn't look back, who looks back? not that guy.
Yessenia had a baby, and she still lived with the father of her kid, he couldn't go there now, it wasn't safe for him. something like that can only end in disaster.
Sara used him as a bookmark, and after she was through, she returned to where she thought her "proper" place would be. that being a tool, and she was the instrument.
Dede wasn't sure if she liked men or woman, and after Jeremy's drunken performance, he would not be surprised if she went running out the door into the arms of another woman.
all in all
it had been an exciting month for Jeremy.
there were leaps and bounds, at times he felt as if he could lean forward and instantly be strangled by some imaginary rope around his neck, his legs would turn to jelly and one false step and the chair would slide out from under him, as destiny engulfed him, and his air was sucked out.
Jeremy was not a drunk in the bitter sense of the word. he drank daily, sometimes going on benders, but he knew going into his drinking that it was not an escape for his world. He used it as a tool to become comfortable with his core misery. Many people tried to save him, but in his heart of hearts, he knew he belonged out of the sun, because out there, he'd only get burned, it wasn't his place.
he had no qualms about his dislike for other humans. he was living in a world where every step, every move, was just another stick thrown in the fire, and he was fine with that.
Finally one day he said, "fuck it" and only made moves to keep himself afloat. Not mistreating people, having respect for those who respected him, and not calling out the ones who treated him badly, but merely letting themselves shit on everything and eventually, if they were somewhat aware of their place in this marble, they'd realize their wrongs, but never correct them.
Jeremy was a pessimist, a cynic, a deviant little bastard. But he felt that whatever was in front of him was there for a reason, he glanced beyond the looking glass and could easily shuffle in his mind what would be good and bad. but that little prick Jeremy sometimes chose the wrong way only because it was wrong. it was his self destruct button. he knew it, and he loved it.
Jeremy was to honest for a planet like this. His heart was good and pure, and you can't have scum like that wandering around with all these people. he had to be segregated. they stripped him of pride, integrity, and passion. little by little, they started taking things from him until the feeling described only as this: "an empty shell of a man" was the only thing he could identify with.
He let all these things go through his head as he sat there taking sips off the scotch bottle. suddenly he felt better, more alive, more at home, because he remembered something he wrote a very long time ago,

"don't ever really get to know someone, you with either fall madly in love with them, appreciate them for their constant fight with humanity, and want to keep them a part of you....
or either be discouraged, in awe of their selfishness and loath their presence."

it had held up this long

Bookmarks: Revised

you are
a place keeper
to keep the big book
in tow
dragging behind her
pages torn out
highlighted
revised
dog eared
and tattered
you are
the bookmark
she keeps
to not let her feel alone
isolated
because
if she had thoughts
about how she ends up
it would make her sad
i love this
it's funny
how one person can beg for your friendship
but not really know the true meaning of the word
how someone can do something "nice" for you
but only want things in return
i told you
"you don't owe me anything"
your actions are so hallow
you make me sick to my stomach
but i'm overacting right?
being too rigid?
you are
a bookmark
to keep her nudging along
and she'll never know
any
kind
of feeling
even
when you kick
the sick puppy to the curb
because another one
will come right along
and say
"oh look, a sick puppy"
different fleas
on the same
goddamn dog
i know it!
i knew it all along!
and i thought better of you
but you're all the same!
oh
it's
sad
that i have to accommodate this
it's either
i find a way to fall in line
or i blow my brains out
breath man
breath
please
breath
nothings ever going to change
so please
for the love of it
quit being
so goddamn melodramatic
yes.

a Poem for J.D. Salinger

everyone read "Catcher in the Rye"
and if i were you
i'd be angry too
it's required high school reading
but people only feel that angst
that disgust
that bitterness with humanity
for 5 minutes
then something shiny comes along and distracts them
and they forget about what made them angry in the first place
i understand you
and that might seem
like some passive shit you hear
or read
in every letter
you receive
but i get it
it's all a cycle
everyone bleeds
they mop up the blood
and sweat
with bread provided by
their parents
and then you're left
empty
alone
with nothing
but the words on the page
to keep the madness at bay
i get it
you
are
the
martyr

Slow Gin Fizz

i had been feeling pretty good
lately
and i met
her
at a bar
not really looking
for anything
just sitting there
drinking
passing time
counting ceiling tiles
fingering the peeling varnish
from the counter
sucking at the ice
in my frosted glass
building patience and
defending myself
we talk
and she is nice
kind
witty
and sexy
she radiates confidence
with girlish charm
she walks me
to my car
and as she is talking
starring at me
i think to myself,
"kiss her you FOOL!"
and i do
it is sweet
soft
moist
and delicious
i do not go home with her
the first night
and on the second night
picture this
sitting in a dark room
with the television on
as her cat rubs against your back
her dog is laying on your feet
everything is warm
welcoming
cozy
comfortable
my boots are next to her heater
my hat
on the doorknob
cigarette dangling from your lips
as the smoke dances in front of the glare
up towards
the ceiling
out
towards the window
into the frosted night air
gin mixed with tonic
sans the lime
sipping at it
inhaling smoke
sipping at it
and looking around
thinking
"life is pretty good right now"
beautiful girl
next to me
vices in place
maximum comfortability
i put out my cigarette
take one last sip
put out the television
lay down next to her
and sleep nicely
the three of us
her
me
and
the
dog.
and
beauty
in simplistic form
is beauty
that does not need to be planned out
but happens
rarely
involuntarily
and when surrounded
by horrible smells
horrible people
horrible everything
these small moments
twist your brain

the Most Beautiful Turd

you can't go back
and have
what you had
you'd be a fool
to think that
i do it too sometimes
and you can't
make everything alright
because nothing is suppose to be alright
if it was
then we'd have nothing to fight for
nothing to complain about
i do it too sometimes
think everything is alright
many people don't like me
that's fine
i don't like many people
so i get it
eventually
i'll grow out of this
like we all grow out of everything
and i'll be fat
old
married
balder
with many many children
running around my house
barefoot
causing mayhem
making me want to rip my face off
but they'll do things
and i'll look at them
and say,
"hot damn, this is the good life."
smile
and drink my orange juice like a good boy
my wife will love me
because i don't say much
all the fight got sucked out of me
i'll sell lots of books
and people will call me a sell out
a cheater
a hypocrite
they'll come over to my house and drink
good scotch
and play chess with the old dead beat
and i'll look back
at my twenties
and say
"boy was i rotten"
or maybe i'll never sell a book in my life
and continue working the word
until i collapse
onto my desk
with a pen clutched in my hand
alone
dead
cold
because everyone thought i was bad
negative
damaged
malfunctioning
i got news for you
we're all bad
damaged
and malfunctioning
some more than others
i said it before
and i'll say it again
none of you owe me anything
don't be nice because you have to
do it because you want to
and if you can't stand to be around me
then go away
and let me do this
alone
i can let people in
but don't expect to come in
and dance
on my heart
and then walk out
the same way you came in
it's true
i do point out the negatives in life
i say,
"oh look! a turd! a beautiful turd!"
so that whoever is with me
if they're with me
won't step on it
like i did
or others before you did
as well
hate me
allow me
to let you down
because you don't really care
anyway.
this life
is
too
positive
sometimes
that
the ugly
is left
alone
unattended
to grow
and copulate
without notice
please
don't step
on that turd
you would of missed it
the beautiful turd

I Am the Fuel so Feed to Me the Fire

"i love you"
"i love you too"

i sat up for minute and looked back at her over my shoulder. she was laying there starring at the ceiling.
"what do we do now?"
"i dunno."
"am i suppose to make you a sandwich? thats what they always do on T.V.."
"sure. i'd like a sandwich"
she got up and started putting her clothes back on. i looked at her differently now, her body wasn't any longer a mystery to me. for so long i wondered what was under that blouse, under that jean skirt. it was all strange to me, i had seen naked women on Cinemax and i use to sit in my room with the headphones on watching porn, but this was way different, i had a girl right in front of me, everything there for the taking. it felt good to finally be here. to have this finally happen. i wondered if this made me a man now? or just a boy with a toy?
i ran my hand along her back, just letting my finger tips graze her skin.
she shivered
"ohh don't do that, it makes me feel weird"
"uh. ok."
then she walked out the door
i was sixteen, a fat kid with a pimpled face and spiked hair. never drank heavily before in my life, never smoked a cigarette or shot a gun.
but i had sex for the first time.
and that was nice.
Sophia was great.
Sophia.
My First.
A few weeks later we were sitting around eating shrimp cocktails at this shitty seafood place up the block.
"i want you to meet my dad"
"ok"
"can i tell you something"
i popped another shrimp in my mouth
"course babe"
"my dad isn't like your dad. your dads great, he loves you very much, and he's got such a kind face."
"you obviously don't know him like i do"
"shut up!"
she playfully reached over the table and punched me in the arm
"but for real though, my dad has a lot of mood swings, and he's mean sometimes and sometimes he's like a big teddy bear, so if he starts acting weird just be nice ok?"
"of course"
"you love me right?"
i was starring at the girl behind Sophia eating and there was a book on the table next to her tacos. she was older, like in her 20's, and had these huge tits that she would rest on the table when she looked down to read her book. hands running up towards that mass of black hair. i started getting hard right there in the shitty seafood place.
"Jeremy!"
"what?"
"i asked if you love me?"
"look, stop being all paranoid..."
i was fingering the last shrimp wondering if she was going to take it, god i was fucking hungry.
"i'll be cool, i'm not scared or anything, and i think it's a good step for us, i mean you've already met my parents, and your mom seems cool enough. i love you babe, you know that, and if it brings us closer together by having me meet your dad then lets do it!"
"ok. tomorrow?"
"sure. (whatever)"

the next day was Saturday and i woke up with a weird feeling. a hollow feeling in my stomach, like if i had drank way too much coffee. putting on my best shirt and a clean pair of dickies i walked over to her house. dragging my feet the whole way. i practiced what i would say to her dad, how i would respond to his meanness or hatred towards me. i understood that he understood i had my penis all over his virgin daughter. in her mouth, between her tits, in her vagina, and eventually, over time, she'd have it in her ass (true story).
i walked up to the door and heard shouting coming from inside, the door was slightly open and i knocked a couple times. Sophia came over in her sweat pants and her hair tied up and let me in. her father was sitting on the couch, and the t.v. was at such a high volume that i started wondering if this guy was deaf, or maybe he just liked watching soccer games this loud because it made him feel like he was at the stadium.
the following conversation took place mostly in spanish, but i've translated it some for you gringos (white folk) out there.
"papi, i want you to meet my boyfriend Jeremy"
"hola senor."
he didn't say hi, he just starred at me like he was the lion and i was a cub begging for scraps. his hair was grey and cut short, he had the old school cholo mustache and a unbuttoned flannel shirt. his jeans were rolled up so you could see the star on his high top converse. he looked like a tough mother fucker, his face was cut from stone, and his eyes would narrow and he'd rub his hands together.
he put out his hand
i gave him a firm handshake and looked straight into his eyes.
"sit down."
i sat there with my hands on my legs as Sophia went back into the kitchen.
he looked over at me and put his hand on my leg, turning the tv down he turned towards me and came close to my face.
"she tells me you're a nice boy, treats her well, walk her to school everyday and wait for her when she gets out of work... i don't like my daughters hanging out with cabrones (assholes). You're not a cabron are you?"
"no senor"
"do you love her?"
"i do, very much, she is my best friend and my companion, we do everything together."
"everything?"

fuck. i shouldn't of said that, now he's going to ask me if we had sex, and what do i say? be honest and say yes? or should i lie and say no? but if i lie and he finds out then i'm really in trouble...
just then Sophia walked over and asked me if i wanted something to drink
"just water, thanks babe."
"no" - her father had this way of speaking, it went in waves, it would start with a growl and pitch high in the middle, then end with a slow drawn out word.
"you drink beer?"
"no" - i had taken the occasional beer bong shot, and drank some of my parents liquor, but i hadn't ever drank in front of an adult.
"what are you? some kind of chavala? (sissy)"
before i could answer he shouted to Sophia in the kitchen to bring me a beer. she walked over and i could tell by her fake smile she was hoping i didn't fuck any of this up. for both our sakes.
"thank you" - i smiled warmly, to make her feel comfortable and know that everything was cool.
"today is Saturday, in this house, my house, the woman clean, cook, and serve us, the men, this is how my father did it, and this is how i do it"
he reached over and cracked my beer for me
"salud"
"salud"
"what do we cheers to?"
"you and your wife and this house"
"simon' (fuck yes)"
"now, Jeremy, i want to ask you something."
"yes?"
"do you like soccer?"
"not really"
"why?"
"i like american football, because it's a lot more contact, and similar to chess, you need a battle plan and have to come out with ways to psych the other opponent out, it's a mental game with human pawns, it's also very fun to play (this is the part where i thought i would impress him) i play first string center and first string nose guard, so i'm in the middle of all the mess with things go down, it's such a mental game, you have to pay attention to everything, you have to be completely wide open, eyes, mind, body, everything."
"so no soccer?"
"no."
"what are you? some kind of chavala? soccer is a real sport, not that shitty american football, that's just a bunch of fags on the field playing with each other, jacking each other off in the locker room and smoking dope.. you don't smoke dope.. do you?"
"no senor"
"good, that shit fucks up your brain chemistry.. cigarettes?"
"no senor"
"what are you? some kind of chavala? real men smoke cigarettes, look at me, i have been smoking since i was 14 and i'm strong like a goddamn bull."

he kept calling me a sissy and it was beginning to really infuriate me, i took bigger and loner sips of my beer hoping that if i had enough to drink, this stupid fucking cabron would become tolerable.. suddenly the anger dissipated because i thought about Sophia's ass and tits in my face, her sweet taste and the way it felt when i slid my penis into her. ahh the fucking joys of life, sweet sweet vagina. paradise for a sixteen year old. if i could crawl up in there and take a nap i probably would.

"hey"
"yes"
"what the fuck are you smiling about?"
"i'm having fun sitting here with you sir, my dads not really around much."
"yeah well i'm always around. (that part was true, he didn't have a job) and cut this sir shit out, call me Robert."
"ok Roberto"
he eased up a bit and we just sat there drinking. Sophia would bring us beers and snacks periodically. when Roberto got mad at the t.v. he'd yell, "you're a bunch of fucking chavalas! good for nothing swine." after a few more beers i noticed how many empty cans were on the coffee table when i got up to pee. i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, i had been lost out there for some time, i wanted to get along so that my girl could be happy, but this wasn't making me happy at all, i strangely felt like i was losing something, it was being sucked out of me, taken from me. but what was it i was losing?

"Mijo, we've drank all this beer and it's only half time, drive me to the liquor store!"
i must be on his good side, he just called me son.
"i can't drive, i feel drunk."
"what are you? some kind of chavala?.......... nah horse shit, you've just been sitting down for too long and your balls have gone numb. come on, lets go."
he walked out the door and Sophia rubbed my back.
"i don't want to do this."
"please baby, you don't understand, when he gets mad no one can talk to him, and he won't leave, he shouts and picks on us, sometimes he fights with Elias (her little brother)."
she put her head down, then her voice went up a pitch
"... and the other day, he, he, he threw a beer bottle"
"at who?"
"at Paola (her younger sister)"
"does he do things to you?"
"no, not really, mostly the others, but if you're here he's ok. he likes you"
i didn't know what to do, i wanted to help Sophia, i loved her so much but i felt trapped. i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be this guys new friend. if i could just get Sophia out of here, if we could find a place to be together without disruption, parents, school, anything, just a place for us to hold each other in the sun and sleep together at night, our bodies entangled with the blankets and my arms wrapped tight around her, providing her with security and love.
i walked out the door and tried to make it over to the car. i was feeling pretty buzzed and i barely knew how to drive. Roberto was sitting in the car singing along to Pink Floyd's "Money" and drumming on his thighs. i backed out of their driveway and ran my hand through my hair.

"yeah, we make you a man today, you drink and smoke, maybe have a little fun, you're an okay kid in my book."
---yeah really? fuck your book you prick, you treat your family so horrible, i wonder how such a pure being like Sophia came from your evil, deranged, crazy goddamn seed.
-- i kinda liked him. aside from all of his macho bullshit, he had this presence about the way he was around other people, he was like a giant push forward, like when you're standing in the super market zoning out on the canned food and somebody hits you from behind right under the ankle.. it makes you turn around and open your eyes.
we drove with the radio turned up a little louder than i liked, but boy was Roberto having fun, his Tecate can snuggled between his legs in a paper bag as he slapped his thighs and moved his head around in the air like Stevie Wonder. i wondered how much of his day was spent doing all this?
i waited in the car for him in front of the liquor store. Getting in the car, he pulled out a bunch of candy from his coat pockets.
"you like candy Jeremy?"
"yeah. sure"
"what kind?"
"jolly ranchers."
"what? fuck that. you some kind of chavala? here, eat a mango lollipop covered in chili powder, it'll put a little fire in your gut."
i sucked on the candy for a bit, and i loved the sour/spicy feeling it gave my mouth. i looked over and he was pushing the tip of a cigarette down into a container, like packing the end of it with something. without looking up at me he casually said, "keep your eyes on the road"
he lit the cigarette and took a few puffs, then passed it over to me.
"no, no, thank you, i'm okay"
"smoke it"
"i don't smoke, i don't like it."
"Jeremy, you love my daughter?"
"of course Roberto"
"well, i'd hate to see you do something bad to mess that up. maybe you turn down something that i'm trying to share with you and it makes me rethink our situation, i only want my daughter to date the finest men, the best men possible, and right now, you aren't much of a man, but we can work on that, you have a good heart, a good brain, now we can make you strong."

he slammed his fist against his chest.

fuck me. i knew what he was getting at. if i didn't do any of this shit he'd think i was some kind of punk ass and wouldn't let Sophia out of the house. i took a hit off the cigarette and thats when i knew what he was packing the end with. it was weed. he was packing the end of the cigarette with weed.

"you like the cigarette?"
"yes, it taste good"
"that's right, we've got some work to do, but when you're done, you'll be just like me."
"great"
"Jeremy, you ever hit a woman?"
"no, i think that's the worst thing you can do."
"well, let me tell you something, woman are like small animals, they're pretty, soft, they have small brains, not very smart, and sometimes they do things, stupid things, and you, as the man, you have to start at the beginning, at the point right where they do the stupid thing, you hit them, not hard, maybe just a pinch to start, but you associate the feeling of pain with mistakes, and i'll tell you, they won't do those things anymore. a la mula y a la mujer, a palos se ha de vencer" (with the mule and woman, they both learn with sticks.)

he handed me a beer and told me to take the last hit off the cigarette. i was sixteen, drunk driving with a beer can in one hand, no license, and a cigarette with traces of weed in my mouth. sixteen year olds shouldn't be doing this. we should be playing football in the street, or going to the mall, or playing miniature golf and hanging out at the movies.

this was my life for the next 5 years. i'd come over and hang out with Roberto until he drank himself to sleep, and then i would sneak into the room with Sophia and watch t.v. on her small single sized bed. sometimes we'd make out, but we kept most of our sexual adventures going on over at my house. love had a strong hold on us. only something like that would make me put up with someone like Roberto.

i started taking beers home with me and drinking them on the walk over while i smoked Marlboro Red's. usually when i got back home my parents were in their room and i'd shut my door to be alone for awhile. i'd sit in my room with everything off except a lamp. just sit there in silence sucking on a beer and starring at the floor. i felt like my brain had melted inside of my skull and there was a light film over my eyes. i was losing weight and my football coach was on my ass about my lax attitude. i just stopped caring. football didn't mean shit to me, i hated most of those people anyway. i wanted to sit in my room, in silence, with no one to bother me, and drink beer with a cigarette in the other hand. i had done my homework.

One day when i went over Roberto was out. probably scoring weed or drinking with his auto shop buddies.
Sophia answered the door and we walked over to the table and sat down for a little while.
"papi really likes you, and it seems like you guys get along. he's nice to me now."
"yeah. sure... can i have a beer?"
she turned her head sideways for a minute and narrowed her eyes.
"yes baby" she walked over to the fridge, "are we going to see my sister tomorrow? i want to see the new baby."
"ugh"

her older sister just had a baby. everyone was so happy, but i just kinda stood around wondering what everyone was so happy about. great. another kid born into poverty, with two parents who have only known each other for about 6 months, and the best part was that Roberto hated her older sisters boyfriend. they had a fistfight a week earlier and this wasn't exactly the right time to bring a child into this family.

one day we were in my truck, the three of us, Sophia, her sister Mariam, and me, and Mariam asked Sophia why we haven't had a kid yet.
"this guy doesn't want to"
"how come you don't want to Jeremy?"
"i don't think we're ready, we need our own place, we need to be independent of our parents."
Mariam turned towards Sophia
"you know what you should do?"
"hmmm"
"you should get him drunk, like really drunk, and then have sex without a condom, that's how i got Barry to do it, and then like magic, poof, i was pregnant."
"yeah, i know huh?"

i wanted to drive that truck right into a fucking lamp post. this world doesn't deserve people like that floating around on it, people who can do that to another person and not even have an ounce of regret, guilt, or sorrow in them. i felt bad for Barry, the guy was a prick, but fuck, i wish he had a better half. because this chick was straight evil sent from the devil. Mariam was polluting Sophia's brain with this stuff and i started wondering what other things she was teaching her when i wasn't around. i didn't like this one bit.

thats when i started looking for my way out

but i was already too deep. too involved. i had become her little sisters godfather for christ sake. i couldn't go anywhere. i was trapped. forever. i started spending more time in my room with beer and cigarettes, sometimes i'd hike up into the mountains behind my house and sit there smoking and drinking until i couldn't feel anymore, wishing that i could disappear into the night air and be carried away to different parts of the world.

i came over to Sophia's house one day and as i was crossing their lawn i heard loud shouting, and things being moved around. i walked up and Sophia was at the door with her little sister behind her.
"Papi and Elias are fighting!"
i walked in and the living room looked like a bomb hit it. there was a hole in the t.v. and the couch was flipped over. there were beer cans all scattered around and the coffee table was broken in half. there was Roberto standing in the middle, with one of the coffee table legs in his hands beating Elias who was on the ground in a ball crying.
"Roberto"
"oh, look who came to join the party, its my whore daughters punk ass boyfriend. leave before i get you next!"
he was sweating and his face was bright red, his eyes were wild. Roberto was on something, some drug. i knew he was.
i had driven him downtown to score drugs a few times, we'd creep down Los Angeles Street until he saw his guy, at which point he'd jump out of the car and i'd meet him around the corner. he never offered me any of the hard stuff, just the cigarettes with weed tips, nothing major. whenever we got home he'd go sit in the backyard and do whatever it was he bought, nobody went out there for at least 4 hours and Sophia would leave an ice chest with beer by the backdoor for him. Keep daddy happy, don't let daddy flip out, be good to daddy..

"i'm leaving Roberto"
"ok chavala"

Sophia grabbed my arm as i was heading out the door, i motioned for her to go outside with me.
"don't leave!"
"i'm not, but he needs to think i'm leaving so he can calm down, i'll sit out here and if he gets really crazy call me and i'll come in."
"promise?"
"baby, i'll never leave you, i love you, you know that"
"i love you too"

tears were coming down her face. real Gone With the Wind style. i sat with my back against the wall and waited. i heard him yelling at them. calling them mistakes, and whores, and good for nothing swine, he called Elias a puta and told him that he was a mistake. Elias didn't like that and it got real quiet suddenly. then Sophia called my name and i stood at the door. Roberto was on top of Elias with his hands wrapped around his neck. Elias was beginning to turn purple and i knew i had to do something. i snuck up behind him and called out his name.
"ROBERTO!"
i reached back and put all of my anger for him and others like him into my fist, all of the name calling, all of the pressure that he gave me and i let it all fly towards him. my fist landed right on his temple and he fell over on the floor. he tried to get up and was mumbling, stumbling around like a fool, but he never made it to his feet, he collapsed there on the floor in the living room, amongst the beer cans. seemed just.

after that Sophia and i didn't get along at all. i think she resented me for hitting her father and i wasn't allowed over at the house anymore. She started cheating on me and purposely pushing my buttons to get me angry. i couldn't blame her.. it wasn't her fault, she was born and raised a certain way, and her father had beaten the love out of her, her sister had made her a lying, deceiving, sneaky girl and i couldn't save all of them. i just wanted to save myself, but little by little, things started falling apart, and finally, we were just two empty shells of humans sitting alone in opposite sides of the city.

there's no lesson here. no real point or moral to draw from this. I see Roberto from time to time riding is bike around town, but he doesn't acknowledge me, so i just pretend like i don't see him either. maybe it's easier for him that way? maybe he just doesn't really care? i don't know and i don't think it matters, not to him, and not to me.

if anything this is a story about how important those years between 16 and 21 are. i should of been going on dates, getting ready for college, learning how to socialize correctly and become a responsible adult.

instead i would sit around with an aging drunk watching soccer and driving him to the liquor store when i had no business being in a car. whenever i was home i'd sit in my room with my favorite lamp on, some Tecates, a pack of Marlboro's and a stack of books and stay up late into the night. sometimes i'd write, but it would all be very vague and pointless.

Sophia is happy now, she finally had a baby and lives out near Arcadia. we seldom talk. her little sister Paola also has a baby and her younger sister Eve has a baby boy. a family filled with little bundles of joy. i'm happy for them. actually, honestly, i am happy, because i'm no longer apart of that, so i'm actually really happy for myself. which matters most.. because in the end, it's just me and this brain. and if i lose him, then i really have lost.

Do It In a Pair, If You Can

two
tiny
ants
crawling up my arm
looking for?
a good time
"then crawl into my pants
no one will find you there"
in their hands
a bottle of something nice
and a hunk of cheese
ant date
gone wrong

two
tiny
ants
crawling along the floor
looking for?
a place to live
to call home
to lay next to each other
to be warm

two
tiny
ants
crawl in from the cold
lay their antennas next to fire
put their boots up to dry
pour each other drinks
from the good booze bottle
rub each others feet
all six of them
(feet i mean)

two
tiny
ants
can't look
at each other
anymore
because the booze
is gone
and he can't
find food
and she's having a large
litter
of
baby
ants
soon
but he tries
everyday
and he
loves
her so
deep in his ant heart
he aches
and the pain
of this
is worse
than the pain
of starvation
in his small ant belly

and...

two
tiny
ants
crawl away
from
each other
scared to love
one
another
fighting off disaster
fiend for hope
happiness junkie
injecting
veins
with
positivity
is
unnatural
now what?
they
are
both
alone
here comes the giant boot
from the sky
to squash you

Against Me!

i'm trying to find some tickets for the Against Me show in Los Angeles at the Troubadour. pre-sale tickets were $10 each. there are some capitalist fuck nuts on craigslist wanting $40 each.
you know the band isn't even doing the show for money, they're not making shit, they're doing this so they can get some kids out and have a good time to some great fucking music.

this is for you, the $40 ticket poacher

it's amazing how someone like you can buy two tickets for less than $30 to see a band that clearly wants to keep their ticket prices low because they're obviously against having people like you at the club in the first place. THE Capitalist pig fucker. you know it's not even about the money, it's about what your doing, you're taking the whole essence out of great music, by asking for so much back, when you really haven't given anything, you're killing what makes this thing whole, you're not entitled to shit, or did your daddy not tell you that??.
You know for a fact that the band isn't making any money playing small venues and charging $10.
and yet
you rather make some money for yourself.
don't you listen to any of those fucking lyrics?
or are you too self absorbed carefully positioning your bangs over your eyes so you get that Good Charlotte look you've always wanted.
greedy slob
i'm sure you don't really give a shit about their music, or what they're doing, or how much work it takes to keep a ticket price that low so that hard working folks like us can go out and enjoy a night in a cramped place, surrounded by sweaty angry fucks crashing into each other and go back to our work soaked lives feeling just a little more empowered.

i'm sure you bought their official shirt at hot topic, and you probably got the official wrist bands to match.
you dirty prick
i hope when you have children they know what scum sucking bastards their parents really are.

My Last Two Twenties

i decided to spend my last two twenties on me
i had a few Jacks
Sans the coke
i lost two women on the same day
oy vey
one could love me very much
and i know it
i look deep in those eyes
and i feel it
zapped right into me
but she's scared of something?
everything?
maybe nothing?
i gave her a choice
and she took the road less traveled
i highly doubt she'll come back
but i can't give up hope
right?
anything worth fighting for is worth fighting
for twice.
right?
fucking right.
the other knows exactly who i am
and says all the right things
i've been bad
i know
i've done some things
bad things
things that no one else would be okay with
but somehow
she understands my bullshit
and hot damn!
how can i go on a overnight binge?
and this girl still digs me?
maybe she needs a "buddons" as bad as i do?
maybe i don't need anything?
maybe i like all this
because i can put it down on paper
and that's selfish no?
yes?
Barnacle:
marine crustaceans with feathery food-catching appendages; free-swimming as larvae; as adults form a hard shell and live attached to submerged surfaces

Burger:
a sandwich consisting of a fried cake of minced beef served on a bun, often with other ingredients

even the definition makes you sick
it really does make me want to throw up in my hat
i feel better when none of you like me
when you all want to rip my face off
because then i'm not responsible for let down
and if you dislike me
then i don't have any expectations to live up to
the one i want doesn't want me right now
the one who wants me
has much baggage
it's much easier to be alone
to sit
in silence
by yourself
then the only one you let down is
you
and "you" can justify your let down
very easy isn't it?

This Isn't as Bad as You Sometimes Think

i looked down at my duct tapped wallet
and it didn't seem so bad
because it had money in it
i looked down at my sagging gut
and it didn't seem so bad
it meant i had enough to eat
i looked down at my drink
and didn't feel so bad
because i could sit in this shitty bar
and feel okay
surrounded by lifetime devoted drunks
i looked down at the two pool games i lost
and it didn't feel so bad
because it meant i learned something
a shot
a cut
reading the other person
waiting for their nicotine fix to kick in
i looked down at my swollen feet
and i didn't feel so bad
because it meant i had a job
serving people who don't deserve it
but every once in a while
i get an alright group
who clears their own table
and thanks me
for doing?
maybe nothing?
maybe everything?
i try not to think about it
i looked down at my cell phone
flipping through the names
and didn't feel so bad
because it meant i've had a history
people to learn from
people to leave
people to keep in the Queue...
and people who i love
i looked down at keys dangling from my hook
and didn't feel so bad
i have a place to sleep
a place to live
a car to drive
i looked down at my heart
and saw it beating through my shirt
calling for her
and i whispered to him
"hey, i know.. but we've got to be a team here
i know what you want. she wants it too.
but she's scared.
and we're in this together
so if she can't move towards you
then we have no choice but to be alone
together.
just me and you.
but we'll keep doing what we do.
keeping blood pumping
so help us god
sooner or later,
it'll happen.
she'll return
just enjoy it."
i looked down at my life
and didn't feel so bad
because it's full of so much shit
apathy
disaster
chaos
joy
i realized
i was looking down at everything
hot damn!
that must mean i'm on top!

A Friend Indeed Needs Keebler Elves

it had to of been sometime in the early a.m.. cold fog covering the windows, moisture hanging in the air, i rolled over and felt my bladder crying out. i stumbled into the bathroom and pissed with one eye squinted. i didn't bother to wash my hands and felt my way back towards my room. i thought i heard small tapping on the front door and i stopped in my tracks.. silence... then tapping again.. and finally faint knocking.
"what the fuck?.. ugghh"
i dragged myself towards the door and looked through the peep-hole. tapping again.. rubbing my good eye, i saw that it was my friend Cody.. and boy was he sweating.. i cracked the door.
"hey"
"hey man, i need your help, put your shoes on"
"what the fuck?- it's.. uh.. whatever.. it's fucking early.. too early.. you okay?"
"just put your shoes on and come out to the car with me."
"quit fucking around, what happened? you crash or something?"
"no man.. i can't really say.."
"i'm going to sleep.. fuck off cody."
i closed the door and heard light tapping again.. i put my hands over my ears and went to my room, i wrapped myself up in the blankets and snugged my beanie on tight.
then.
pounding
loud pounding.... hard pounding..
"open up dead beat! police!"
i ran over to the door.
"shut the fuck up man.. you're going to freak Penny out.."
"shoes?"
"fuck fine.. i'm awake anyway.. not like i can sleep with you harassing me."
i lit a cigarette and walked down the stairs in my robe.. there was a light fog hanging in the air and his car had the running lights on.. we got in and Cody leaned over and put his hand on my arm, grasping a bit too tight..
"promise you won't freak."
"What's that smell?" - his car reeked of puke and urine, the cigarette mixing with these smells didn't help and i could feel my stomach tightening and my lower intestines shifting..
he looked me straight in the eye and motioned towards the back seat.. i didn't get it at first and then i turned and looked behind me.
crammed in the back of his '72 Plymouth Scamp was the body of a young naked woman. she had to be at least 18 (hopefully). by the looks of her she was snoring hard, and coming in and out of consciousness mumbling. the sweat had plastered bright cherry red hair to her forehead and her lips were crimson red. she had that nice alabaster skin, except half her body was covered in vomit and i'm pretty sure she had pissed herself.
"what the fuck man!"
"shhhh shhhh"
"don't fucking shhhh me asshole.."
"calm down"
"no, fuck that, i'm outta here, i didn't see shit."
he reached over and grabbed me by the collar of my robe as i was on my way out the door.. pulling me in he punched me in the ribs and leaned over to close the door.
"owww what the fuck.. ahhh"
"listen fuck stick.. i need your help.. she's not gonna die, but i got nowhere to keep her until she comes out of whatever the fuck it is she's on."
"please tell me this chick is at least 18"
"yeah i guess so"
"eh?"
"i mean yeah, of course, i met her at Johnnies last night so she's got to be at least 21."
"ok.. well fuck.. you're not keeping her in my house, and where's her clothes man?"
"you're sitting on them."
i moved over a bit and pulled a black dress out from under me and a black lace bra.
"where's her panties?"
"no panties"
"nice"
we both nodded.
"so.....uh.."
"yeah we fucked."
i gave him some serious stink eye. Cody was my friend, but he could be a bit of a prick sometimes and i didn't exactly know what happened. he could of drugged this chick, and she just might wake up any second screaming bloody murder and mace us in the face.

"What? don't look at me like that, i didn't do shit to her, swear.."

"yeah well..... then why's there a naked chick in your backseat covered in vomit?"

"i dunno.. we started fooling around and she gave me some pills.. when she reached over to the front to get the bottle i threw them under the seat.. she took at least 3 of them."
i fumbled around the floor for her purse and put the bottle of Evan Williams between my legs.. i lit another cigarette, took a pull off the bottle and riffled through her purse.
"our girl here is a walking pharmacy: Lithium, Adderall, OxyContin, Ephedrine, Valium, Skelaxin. shit man.. she could of taken any of these.. show me the pills."
as he was reaching under the seat i took her license out to make sure she was of legal drinking age.. can't be too safe now a days. her name was Ashlee.. ughh double "ee" her parents must of been stoners.
ah.. Ashlee from Aspen, Colorado.. wonder what mom would say knowing your out in Los Angeles eating Valium like candy and having sex with slime-balls like Cody?
he handed me the pills and through a little detective work i figured out that these were 2mg dose of Valium
"she'll be fine.. these are only 2mg and you need over 10mg to be in serious trouble and she took 3 right?"
"i think so"
"no. tell me if she took more, if not we're going to have to drop this girl off at the hospital and you know what that means.. rape kit.. stomach pumping.. extreme investigation and interrogation.... jesus christ man... by the time the cops get their hands on you they're going to tie your cock to a tractor and strap you to a light post and let the trannies in Hollywood have their way with you. i'm your friend but don't fuck with me, this is a goddamn human being in your backseat and honestly your fucking calmness of this whole situation makes me very uneasy, and shaky, and sweaty, and you know how i hate being fucking nervous, i hate anxiety, so look me in the eye and tell me if she took more than you think, or i swear to fucking god i will jump out of this car and call the goddamn cops myself."

"take it easy man.. 3.. i swear.. it was 3.. i remember.. because she said something about good things coming in 3's.. like holy trinity or some shit like that."

"hmm.."

i reached back and grabbed her wrist to take a pulse.. as i was counting i saw her tattoos.. princess on the hip bone, love in cursive on her ribcage.. a chefs toque on her wrist.. ahh what? a chefs toque? was this girl a cook or something? fuck i wouldn't mind working in a kitchen with someone this sexy.. she probably couldn't cook for shit but who am i to judge a girl who's passed out covered in piss? i'm no judgmental asshole. who's not a judgmental asshole? ahh this guy.. yeah..
90bpm.. just right.
"ok.. she should be fine.. she's breathing and probably puked up all the bad shit that was in her stomach.."
i took my robe off and wrapped it around her.. i wiped the vomit away from the edges of her mouth with my shirt and rolled her onto her side. she was actually very innocent looking sleeping like that, tranquil, kinda like one of those fragile looking glass dolls.. i thought for a minute what it would of been like if i had gone to the bar with Cody last night.. i might of hit it off with her, and saved the humiliation of all this. we could of been in my bed right now, spooning, with my face buried in those cherry red locks and the hot, sweet smell coming off of her as i pull the blankets tight around us to build a little cocoon to shed us from the evils of the world. maybe she liked baseball? we could go to the batting cages sometime and have a hot dog after, maybe walk around with a pint and get good and drunk.. sneak into a movie and throw popcorn at the screen..

suddenly i saw flashing blue and red lights behind us and i felt my stomach drop. it was the cops. and here we were, two guys in a car with a passed out dame and a shit load of pills.. a bottle of booze.. this was not good.. we were going to get into some serious trouble.. i'd get jail time for sure.. and probably raped in prison.. the judge would demand to have me circumcised with a pair of rusty kitchen shears and some used chicken wire, put my balls in a vice and tighten them until i clawed out my own eyes.. major fear coming on brewing with pure terror. if i was going to the stir, i was going to enjoy my last drink. i pulled the bottle to my lips and let as much of it run down into me as possible. the whiskey trickled down onto my shirt, and my throat began to close up, but i kept going until i couldn't drink anymore. i laid down with the bottle in my hands and crept up into the fetal position.
Cody turned around and punched me in the eye.
"oww you fucker"
"pretend like she's your girl"
"what? no fuck that, why'd you punch me?"
"shut up dick, put your arms around her and pretend like she's your special fucking lady friend"
"ok"
"now kiss her"
"what? No fuck that, she smells like barf"
"kiss her or so help me god i'll punch you in the nuts"
"fine... but wait... you didn't cum in her mouth did you?"
"no"
"swear"
"yeah"
i put my lips up against hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth. she tasted like teriyaki beef jerky
"she swallowed every drop of me though, girl had a mouth like a Hoover."
"aww what the fuck man?"
suddenly i puked all over the back of Cody's seat and then i blacked out.

when i woke up there was a cheeseburger on my chest. i laid there for a second, not really knowing what was going on, just staring at this cheeseburger rising up and down, up and down, very rhythmic and soothing. i didn't want to move or open my eyes all the way.. the sun had baked the car and the smell of dried vomit still lingered in the air. i didn't have my pants on.

"holy fuck!"
i got up and looked around.. what happen to the girl? and where's Cody? did the cops take them and leave me here with this fucking cheeseburger? were they coming back for me? did they tow the car to the scrap yard and was i about to be crushed into a 6'x6' cube? ahhh shit!
my head was pounding and as i opened the door i puked all over the sidewalk. this was fierce puke, the puke with so much projectile and force behind it that when it hits the grass, some of it splashes back onto your face which in turn makes you puke even more..

"holy fucking jesus christ almighty, goddamn i feel like shit."
i laid face down in the grass for sometime waiting for the cops to handcuff me and drag my sorry ass to jail.
"quite a mouth on this one huh Cody?"
i looked up and saw two people sitting on the hood, but the sun was behind them so i couldn't see their faces.
"yeah but he's like the tin man, heart of gold in this kid"
"Cody?"
"yeah.."
"what happened?"
he helped me up and gave me some water. i tried to eat as much of the cheeseburger as i could, but my stomach felt raw, like a skinned knee.. warm and gooey.
"when the cops walked up to the car i told them that you and Ashlee just got engaged, and that you both got shit face plastered. some guy punched you and i was driving you two back home and it also turns out that Ashlee's dad is a therapist, so she has prescriptions for all that shit in her purse, you didn't see that in there did you smart ass..??"
i kept chewing on my burger and keeping my eyes away from Ashlee..
"what about the booze?"
"oh.. haha.. well when you puked, you fell over, and lucky for us your fat ass landed on top of the bottle.."
"so wait? my drinking saved us?"
"uhh you could say that"
just then i grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear
"you were just fucking with me right? you didn't really cum in her mouth?"
"no man, i told you"
"cause i could of sworn..."
"anyway, i got to be going boys, but thank you for the great night. i left your robe up by your door, it's a little smelly, might want to air it out."
"uhh ok.. it was nice meeting you"
"sure"
her girlfriends pulled up in a nice black BMW and she got in. it crept forward a bit and then Ashlee rolled down her window.
"Cody"
"yeah"
he came close and leaned over on the door
"thank you for being such a sweetheart and taking care of me like that, it was truly the gentleman thing to do..."

i put my hand up in the air, "Actually.."

Cody shot the stink eye at me, "I'm talking to my special lady friend over here man, chill for a second."

fuck me. goddamn prick son of a bitch

"i'm sorry i got a little out of hand, maybe we can grab dinner later? take me on a proper date?"
she batted her eyes and i could see Cody melting where he stood.
"of course baby. you got my number right?"
"yeah."
"ok, we'll talk later hun. bye"

she grabbed him by the shirt and gave that bastard a kiss.. she practically ate his goddamn face off.

Cody and i stood there as the car sped off and turned the corner. i was still holding the cheeseburger wrapper in my hand.
"hey Cody"
"yeah Jeremy"
"i fucking hate you"
"aww..i fucking hate you too man"

i K n o w

I k n o w
they took a shit in my shoe
And I put it on
But it didn’t smell so bad
After I wiped my sock
On their pillow
And then I noticed
That my feet
Weren’t that sad looking
And I felt better knowing
That I had the most beautiful feet
This side of the tracks
On the other side lived the Boxter Family
A mother, husband, daughter and two sons
Their kids would come over
And make fun of me
For sitting on my porch
And writing poetry
“Fag Poet” they would yell
and I would respond with
“Your mother licks balls”
its true
anyway
everyday
they would bother me
until finally I got a big dog
and I named him
“Chuck”
Chuck was cool
He never barked
Only bit
So when the kids came against my fence
And began yelling
Chuck lifted his head
And I gave him the signal
As he made his way over
The kids threw eggs at him
But that tough son of a bitch
Just kept on walking
with his head up high, taking eggs to the face
And when he reached the fence
Casually sniffing their pants
He looked me in the eye
And my dog Chuck and I connected
As if he were saying
“I know”
and
After that
The kids never came back
I miss those kids.

Gypsies

linger
in her locks
deeper
injections don't work
drink
to numb the noise
and the noise progressed
in the morning
free
and clean
damn your eyes
and everything they've seen
strip the bark
-from dear stumps-
shed outer layers
for smooth knots
to be caught up in
gypsies
take
manipulate
beat
into submission
but with gag placed
tight in mouth
screaming shall pronounce
eternal struggle
thrown into
napping abyss
blindfold removed
gag swallowed
sweat dripping
suddenly
doors slam
and
windows shut
blinds pulled closed
so just me
in dark giant palace
roaming
without candle
but finding my way
somehow