you
will
never
win.
no
matter
how
good
you
are
at
it.
she
doesn't
have
the guts
to stand
up
and
press
her
lips
against
yours
no
matter
how
loud
you
cry
out.
she
is
scared
to
feel
anything
but
happiness...

Hey, Fuck that, We're the Good Guys

hey,
good guys,
stop the shit,
really,
please stop the shit,
you're never gonna win,
just admit it.
actually you know it, deep in that spine.
You know your only way out of suffrage
is to turn into that guy.
oh yeah
we all know that guy.
that guy with the girlfriend
who HE is not obviously worthy of them.
but that's the thing dude,
you have to not give a flying fuck
you've got to be heartless and cold
to score that girl
to score ten points
on the 2 point board.
i know it sucks,
and it's bad,
for you to even consider that,
but look at the past
all the things behind us
it's been this way forever
so stop being such a schmuck
who lives by morals
it's all bullshit
throw it out the window
along with your typewriter
your poems
your guitar
and all that other feeling sentimental shit you have.
be tough and balls to the wall.
chicks dig that shit.
just be an asshole and not give a goddamn about anyone
except yourself.
you'll get laid every night and day.
it'll be a vagina parade
walking down your block
into your house.

shit.
that's sad.
it's sad how life really is.
if you've fought this long
and still feel a little beat of hope in your chest
keep going.
don't let
the inner bastard
take over that pure heart.
one day
my man
one day.

You Can't Feel Bad For Yourself

you can't feel bad for yourself.
no matter how things turn out.
you've got to fight with your head down,
because your brain is the strongest organism
you have.
your heart is just a muscle
that gets tense
and full of blood
just like your cock
and what does that say about love?
exactly.
i like it better when no one is here.
when the doors are all close
the windows all sealed
and the phone doesn't vibrate anymore.
it's a true leap to put faith
and
kindness
into someone else.
they can easily guide you to the depths of hell.
and you'll dwell there for a very long time.
loathing
sleeping
writing
and walking strange neighborhoods late
into the
A.M.
you can never let anyone
truly in
because
even you are faulty.
everyone is faulty
full of broken slabs of glass
that will eventually gouge your eyeballs out
until you are blind
with lust
and full of
all those things you never wanted.
the best you can hope for
is someone who constantly disappoints you
so that when they do something redeeming
at least it's a surprise
to
the
goddamn cynic
who rinses his eyes with clorox every night
and little
by little
pushes humanity
lower into
his core.
eventually they'll be no traces left
of that man you knew
because you all destroyed him
and now
he is famous
and women flock to him
to his cock
as if he were Zeus throwing lighting bolts
into your
vagina.
how sad life is.
how the good never win.
and the losers
the douche's
the bad people
who don't give a shit about nothing
except themselves
get the hot women
the money
the vacations
and those nice girls
who had strong ties to you
but somehow retreat
when life
turns
upside
down
down
down.

This is the Story of How We Survived

we were two odd ball kids standing at the end of this long bridge. i looked down, the drop was very far, so far, that i couldn't differentiate where the darkness began and the ground spotted with trees was near. i turned to her for a second thought.
"why?"
"we have to."
"but what dragged us here?"
"i Don't know about you, but i've had it with this shit..."
"me too"
i took her hand in mine and we were both sweating, our palms slick against one another and i knew it was right for us to be here, to be at this time, to stand on the end of these bricks with our toes hanging over ready to fall into oblivion grasping at each other.
"i'm scared," i said.
"me too."
we stood there awhile waiting for the other to make a move. for all the shit i talked about disliking the human race, i was still a bit frightened to end it all right there, then, as we looked out over the chilly Pasadena air.
suddenly a breeze blew through us and it was like a hundred vipers reaching straight for hell. feeling her heart pulse through the sweaty hands it was fate that brought us here, i was never one to believe in fate or anything like that, i thought it was a bunch of bullshit and an excuse to let the universe control our lives. she shivered and i took off my jacket, wrapping it around her she laid her head on my shoulder.
"what could change all this??"
"nothing for me, how about you?"
"i'm not sure, i know we're here, we're both drunk, ready to leap off this goddamn bridge, but we've left no tracks, we haven't made a ruckus, we're cut from the same cloth, we've got to fuck some shit up before we leave."
"all i am is a fuck up." she said.
"no, what you are is a great, extravagant fuck." i responded.
she peered out over the ledge and i caught a glimpse of a smile as the headlights from the cars passed over her face.
"let's go home."
"i'm not ready to go home."
"what do you need?"
"i'm not sure..." she said.
"what if, just for the sake of argument, i was to say that we would go home, polish off that bottle i have sitting on my desk, and lay next to each other until we both grew numb. numb enough to feel only each other and not all this bullshit around us?"
she paused for a beat and considered it. i was not ready to jump, i feared life and death, but was raised in a struggle, so the jump was not something for me, and i would not let her jump, how could i let something so beautiful leap off of this earth?
it would be an injustice to mankind.
"i dunno." she said.
"i know you're not into the whole girlfriend thing, you're a different being than me, i like solid dedication; i know better to ask that from you, but for tonight, just for tonight, and maybe any other night you feel like this, lets grasp onto one another in our beds until we feel like humans again and can enjoy life with all of it's faults."
she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and i saw the water film over her eyes. she was fucked up, broken, disoriented and drunk, but i couldn't very well let a human jump from the goddamn marble.
"you promise?"
i knew inside, that this would end in a very messy situation, she would eventually start feeling better and not remember this time on the bridge, but i would, and i'd hold it with me everyday as i walked around, as i worked, cooked, washed down the scotch and typed on the paper. she was beautiful enough that someone else would come swoop her and take her somewhere nice, better than what i could give her, and i couldn't hate her for that, i wasn't the guy, i knew it, no matter how much i gave to her it would never be enough, she was a fiend for my guts, my fire, my passion and my heart. i knew this. i accepted it. i let her do it. i should of let her jump off the bridge to save all those other men from her claws.
in the end, we are all animals, humans... we need company in any capacity and endeavor. we need reassurance and respect, warmth and kindness.. i was willing to give her a piece of my heart for nothing in return. i wanted to save. to fix the broken. to make things right.

there's a price for that.

she stepped away and i helped her into the car. the drive to my house was silent. gradually, we ignored each other and climbed the stairs to my apartment. i unlocked the door and we both took our shoes off and stumbled into the room.
"would you like some water?"
"yes"
i walked to the kitchen and grabbed some nice ice cold water for her. i knew that this was not the way to do things. i had to be strong, confident and tease her. but the life was sucked from every one of her pores and my better judgement took ahold of me and
said,:
"she won't be here tomorrow. and she'll never call again. we'll never hold each other like tonight. this is a one time thing. the best part of giving is not getting anything in return, so give it what you got."

i felt my heart skip.

we laid there entangled in each other's arms as we drifted off into sleep. in the morning she was gone. i awoke and stammered to the coffee machine. as i sat there waiting for my bread to toast i whispered to myself:

"just another night in life..."