New Year - Same People

you get it now i think?
after a year of all this
this madness
lets do a roll call shall we?
yes.
lets.
well there was:
Zowie (Zowster) - the painter
she started all this
too young for me
she said 18
but was really 17!
i still made time
and we picnicked
danced
drew interest to authors
writers
and painters
drank sometimes
but she lived very far
and i'd drive an hour
after a long day of work
to spend time in her mansion
with her family
playing pool
drinking
fondling ourselves in the backyard
her sweet tight body
begging for me
to lick it
she was:
too young for me then.
and unemotional.
cold
i couldn't stand it
and i wanted more.
the night i was suppose to
do the deed
i let her go
out of my palms
because it didn't feel right
to have sex with her
if my heart wasn't in it
Dru (Jiffy Pop)- i felt she deserved some kindness
someone to show her some heart
and i did what i could
but it just didn't work like i thought it would
it was forced
unrealistic
i couldn't tame the Dru
followed shortly by Beckie (Manteca):
the fashion artist
we'd drink all night
and pass out on each-others shoulders
staying up late
and watching Miami Vice
showing up at her fashion shows
unexpectedly
i'd drink
and drink
and with every drink
she'd be more okay
but when sober
i'd punch myself in my brain
god rhyming poetry sucks
ugh.
we didn't work either
because she wanted all of me
but i can't give that to someone
who's not deserving
call a spade a spade
and move on
then Lynn (Bakery Girl)
goofy and funny
she'd bring me coffee
treats
sweet bread
to consume me from inside out
for her i'd do those stupid things
that would usually make me angry
but somehow her laughter
brought me back down to earth
and we'd lay sometimes in the grass
and act like children
pawing each-other relentlessly
finally she broke
and said she was in love with another man
my response:
"if that's what you want, then do what you need, but i won't be here when you're feeling lonely"
she asked me one day
to take her to the doctor because she was feeling sick
"that's not my task. you have a boyfriend, have him take you."
she didn't understand it.
my woman
where ever she may be
if you're sick i'll come with soup
and take you to the doctor
i'll drop whatever i'm doing at work
and come for you
that's the rules
that's how you do this
but Lynn was not my woman
so i had no tie to her
so i told her to fuck off
and have a nice life.
maybe she did?
ok.
so.
Denise (Karen) - was warm and sweet
she awakened me
sexually
we'd have these intense wild sessions
and i'd show up at her apartment
around 2am
with a six pack of beer
and a some gummie bears
i can still taste her now
sweet Denise
why did you leave this state?
to pursue a career
i can't hate you for that
if only
it was a different time for us
something solid
could of formed
two jack rabbits
in the woods
with no worries
starring at the ceiling
being kind
human
to
ourselves
you came the closest
anyone has yet
to treating people with dignity
you'll always have a spot
anyway
enough of that sappy shit
lets move on
now:
the day that Denise left this state
i was suppose to spend the day with her
but there was Shana at the same time
and that night i had a choice
either say my good bye to Denise
or have a well needed talk with Shana
about our current positioning
it was a long and complicated thought process
but i ended up in Hollywood
with Shana (blondie)
we talked about what was going on
and how she did not need anything serious in her life
i said, "fine"
and then it happened
we kissed
it was nice
and every time we went into her room
and put out the light
and did what we felt
it felt right
her head nuzzled against my chest
felt unlike anything i'd experienced
since the begging of all of this.
i never let myself go
i learned that with Dru
so we played back and forth
like a cat with string
i didn't ever feel it going anywhere
until
i'd see the way she'd look at me
her face would light up
pupils dilate
and smile creeps across that beautiful face
something serious was brewing
i put it off for so long, not wanting to ask for much
enjoying what i had
but i knew
inside
that this had developed into some kind of beauty
and i couldn't fight that
with all this ugliness in the world.
but
her positivity
is nauseating
to me
somehow
it leaks into my veins like a virus
and her smile at me
makes me smile inside
and happy somehow
weird
i know.
she's infectious
some kind of good disease
i was
wanting to progress
i asked for a bit more of her time
and she refused to give me it
said she couldn't
said she wasn't into it
like i thought she was
so i had no choice
but to fast forward
and leave her alone
to brave it out on her own
best of luck to you kid
there's no going back
and as soon as that was done
i ran across
yup
you guessed it
Jessica
i don't have a nickname for her yet
she is smart
and interesting
talks a bit much sometimes
but i can tolerate her voice
she does not make me yell
inside of my head
at myself
and i do enjoy her company
she writes as well
she's ok.
:)
i don't have plans for her
yet.
this leads me to now.
there were some i missed in this
but they were ones that came
as quickly as they went
so i didn't find it necessary to integrate them
into the honor roll
and what have i learned?
much.
so much.
you women
you take
and manipulate
try to hold the power
whatever the fuck that means
i know it now
i know what i want
i know what i can tolerate
i can see it in you
before you even see it in yourself
your first three words give you away
in my chest
beneath all this booze
beats a good heart
waiting
for
one
of
you
to stop
being so petty
and fickle