Take a Trip to San Clemente

i sat there starring at my beer, wondering what would come next. suddenly the phone vibrated and i starred down to it through soaked eyes. it was a friend, who had just gotten divorced, wondering where i was and what i was doing. taking the plan of action, i accepted the invitation and put on my favorite playlist as i sped out of los angeles at a speed uncomfortable for me, but the adrenaline was kicking in and with each dip in the freeway i felt my foot pressure increase on the pedal, accelerating to what my battered car would stand, luckily to ease me, i had 3 beers rattling around in the passenger seat, i stayed close to the rail, following cars headed a little faster, so the bastards in blue could pull them over before me, it was clear road for several miles as freeway lamps turned into darkness.
an hour later i was in San Clemente halfway between a good buzz and an evening bender. i pulled up to the address and discovered my fair maiden lived in a trailer park, i was not disappointed, but somewhat excited. our embrace was a warm one. for someone who i haven't seen in so many years i felt the blood rush through me and alive again, as if time had frozen when we last drew our arms around eachother and nothing had changed, although we were both different people now and we knew it.
she had been someone of importance to me in the past, i was never comfortable around women, but this one made me drop my guard a bit and i felt my true goofy laughter and being would be something of a pawn in our game of discovery. i could tell she loathed like i did, felt like me at times, and was realistic yet rational in the age of instant gratification.
she knew her place.
the trailer was the mansion of all trailers, although i had never spent time in a place like this, i easily felt at home. the car ride to the bar was a funny one. like putting two people engulfed with emotions in the same room and yet, they have so much to say, but don't want to reveal too much at one time. mystery is half the excitement.
heavy drinking on my part ensued, and the next thing i knew we were playing pool against eachother. somehow i kept winning each game, and my theory of longevity was proven correct. the game doesn't depend on how good you are at playing, but what kind of strategy you have. people now are so easily distracted that if one is able to hang on for long enough, the opponent will cancel himself out or beat you, and if they beat you, that's a person worthy of a hearty handshake for they stuck it through no matter how much was thrown at them on your part. it's a gratifying way of doing things, because at the end, there is no loser, but two people who fought for the same right and felt that the other was a worthy adversary.
as we stood outside of the bar after closing, a guy drew up on our circle and made his way towards me.
"you got a good woman there"
"she's not mine"
"you could tell she loves you"
--- i was somewhat paranoid because i didn't want her hearing any of this zany off the wall shit coming from this guy, he was drunk, i was drunk, and i was trying my best to get him to shut his mouth so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"i know man, but the timing ain't right"
"no, you have to do it now, you've got a good woman there"
-----and on and on like this, he'd make very strong comments that were brewing in my brain for so many years, but i knew that striking while the iron was cold would only result in bad bruises, blisters, and broken hearts.
for both of us.
eventually we made it back to the trailer and she motioned for me to sleep on the floor.
"that floor looks very cold."
"do you want to sleep on the bed?"
"sure"
"no funny stuff though"
----she called me by my whole first name and said she knew me well. i made a promise for no "funny stuff" and i could feel her relax a bit.
she ventured into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth.
i wish i would of brought my toothbrush inside with me.
"i bet i'm doing something you wish you were right now"
"eh?"
"brushing my teeth"
i began to get paranoid and wondered if the mixture of cigarettes/whiskey/gin and beer had really made my breath that bad. i threw a cough drop in my mouth to freshen up a bit.
"whatcha chewing on?"
"a cough drop"
i felt her slide under the covers next to me. without hesitation i put my arm around her and drew her close to me. sometimes, that's all you need, to know that someone is there, on your side, looking out for you.
"i know you're going through a hard time right now, and if you need somebody to put an arm around you and make you feel alright, i'm that guy."
she thanked me and i felt comfortable next to a woman for the first time in a very long time.
then through the wall we both could hear her roommates having sex. it was uncomfortable for both of us, and to make eachother feel comfortable, she pretended to be asleep, and i did too. it didn't bother me though, i was happy just laying there with my arm around her, knowing that acceptance was laying the path.
in the morning we sat next to eachother on the couch watching T.V.. i was feeling sick and got up to walk around a bit, breathing in the fresh air and looking out at the garden in front of the trailer. finally i drew up my britches and walked into the bathroom to puke my guts out. my insides burned but i hid it well. i didn't want to cause any kind of disruption in our flow, so i sat and wallowed in pain without voicing my inner thoughts.
finally i felt better enough to take the drive home and i got up to leave. we embraced again, and it felt like it always did, like the first time we met, and like the each time after that. i knew in my heart that this wasn't the time to make any kind of move, any kind of motion, for her heart was ripped open and i'd only be pouring more pain down her throat.
i wasn't sure how she felt about me, if any romance at all would come between us, but nonetheless, she was a person i'd like to have continue through my life, although sometimes, people like her and i make wrong moves, and distract ourselves with other fickle beings, at the end, we rely on good people to help push us through the fire and into soft clay to rest our feet and cool our souls. and that's all we're really looking for as humans isn't it? acceptance on a total level? someone that can make you feel important and desired?
there is no happy ending to this story, because she's still got hell to go through as do i, but a smile creeps onto my face every time i sit/stand/lay/ or even mention her. we're all broken in some way, perhaps her and i are broken in the same regard? too many questions at one time can easily knock someone off the wall and go into a tail spin, but tread lightly and carry a big stick correct?

good people know when to show up in your life. sometimes even if you don't want them to. all you have to do is hold on for long enough.