The Cocktail Party

little sausages with tooth picks in them, how i'd like to take one these and jam it into this broads throat. but no, that would be a terrible thing to do, and how are we deserving of this? i didn't want to talk about it, apparently, so she says, it was awful, and i was a bad man. i was worried that maybe something happened to my date, so i rotated around the living room sticking to the wall like some kind of scared raccoon circling his cage. i did not want to engage anyone in conversation, but a couple times i had to force a smile and a nod, just to let them know i was still apart of the party and not planning on peeing in the fireplace again. i could feel their eyes on me, i kept mouthing the words, "shit" -- and when a good looking dame walked by i'd follow behind her real close, start wiggling my arms doing the preying mantas dance, she'd turn around with those inspecting eyes thinking maybe i had a pocketful of rubies to jam in her empty hands to go with her empty smile, but i'd stay still and shove my face into my glass like a good little passive guy in a monkey suit, like all these other pricks, i thought about strapping a pack of road flares to Stacy's alarm clock and throwing it into the middle of the living room floor, watching that bad boy slide across the hardwood and hit someone in the ankle... ahh.. the glory of it all... the line was a mile long. suddenly my bladder started speaking spanish and letting me know it was time to piss, so i nudged my way pass the big burly guys guarding the velvet rope out onto the balcony. some couples were out here gazing into each others eyes, acting dopey. overhearing the men saying corny one liners and watching the females eyes glaze over with the spell. oh how ignorant on their part! if only they were able to see through these chumps, these unaware selfish people who feel that their self worth is directly inline with their average yearly income, or their Mercedes, or the size of their cock. yes i make less than $30,000, and yes, i drive a 40 year old car worthy of Mad Max, and yes, i don't have a huge penis.

you don't need to like me

i'm okay with that.

actually i'd prefer it if you disliked me, because then i wouldn't have to live up to your expectations, and you wouldn't be let down by my pessimistic, self mutilating, drinking, smoking, loving bag of shit that i am.

I'm not really that bad, i like to exaggerate.


i was breathing really hard now, and i could feel the pee pushing up against my bladder, i grabbed the railing and casually slid between the two tall trees and the rail, slithering back in the corner like a rat, i pushed myself up against the wall and urinated onto the sidewalk and unsuspecting pedestrians walking down Broadway. oh, well lookie here, there's a Goodwill across the street, and have you ever noticed how your pee doesn't flow all in a steady stream, but like millions of little droplets connected together like DNA? marvelous. stars don't twinkle, they flicker, but both of those are the same thing right? i did the pee shuffle and let em' drip for a second, but on the way in he decided to go for seconds and then i felt the slow drip down my crotch all the way to my ankle. how do i get myself into this shit?

through the trees i saw my date come out onto the balcony looking around, clenching two scotch glasses in her hand. i walked with swagger, or at least as much swagger and class a guy with pee running down his pants can muster.
"hey"
"hey"
"where you go?"
whenever i get nervous i scratch the back of my head and then scratch my beard right after. she was relatively new and this was only our 2nd or 3rd date, so we really didn't know each others cues yet.
"uh, had a to smoke a cigarette, nicotine craving... you know."
this girl had the nose of a hound dog, not that her nose resembled the nose of a hound dog, but that it's sense of smell was that similar to a hound dog, and even if she did have a upturned nose like a hound dog, she was still a cool girl, and i'd still be on this date with her.
"you smell that?"
"eh what no, no... what? um let's go inside, it's getting cold out here and i don't want you to get all booger faced on me."
"you're so charming."
"like a prince?"
"no, like the frog, but maybe if you're lucky i'll kiss you, we'll see what happens."
"what kind of guy do you think i am? it's our first date, and besides, how do you know that all i want to do is kiss you?"
her eyes grew small, the wheels in her head started moving. i scooped up a glass of champagne from the tray and handed it to her. she smiled briefly, i reached over and grabbed a flower out of the pot and stuck it in my mouth.
"hey, come on, lets dance."
i took her hand in mine and started doing a little number with her, she resisted.
"but there's no music!"
"there's music in my head, come on, don't be weird"
"they're going to think we're weird"
and then, just a little too loud, "fuck them, their shirts are so goddamn stiff these people belong in a morgue."
suddenly the music boomed into play and we were off like two little crickets dancing on wildflowers. time stood still, just for a moment, until....
she began to rub her leg against mine, the warmness was coming off her body, and i could feel her turn to jelly in my hands, i started getting hard and i rubbed my nose against her neck, i felt her shutter just a bit and i pushed myself up against her, my hands grabbing her waist a little too hard. she was mine, i was going to take that dress off with my teeth and kiss those silky hips. lose myself in that mass of cherry red hair. hmm. cherry red.. i wonder of that hair was the same color as.. uh.. ahem.. her eyebrows.. yeah.. eyebrows..
suddenly i knew she felt the wetness on my pants, her nose wrinkled up a bit, her head titled to the left, she starred me right in the eye, punishing gaze.
"why's your leg wet?"
"eh um." scratch, scratch.. cough "i spilled a little drink."
"no, thats piss, i can smell it."
small gremlins crawled along the floor and flung shit at me, i could feel it building up, it was elementary school all over again. fuck.
i dropped my arms down to my side and my chin hit my chest. i was done for. this was the end. i'd never see this beautiful creature again.
i stood there for a second, swaying back and forth, humiliation washed over me, my knees wanted to buckle.
she leaned over, putting her hand on my chest, and whispered in my ear.
"i'm just fucking with you"

i shook all over for a second, and then registered her words, i took the back of her head and pushed my mouth up against hers, pulling her hair just a bit, and kissed her like the fucking world was going to end.