I Am the Fuel so Feed to Me the Fire

"i love you"
"i love you too"

i sat up for minute and looked back at her over my shoulder. she was laying there starring at the ceiling.
"what do we do now?"
"i dunno."
"am i suppose to make you a sandwich? thats what they always do on T.V.."
"sure. i'd like a sandwich"
she got up and started putting her clothes back on. i looked at her differently now, her body wasn't any longer a mystery to me. for so long i wondered what was under that blouse, under that jean skirt. it was all strange to me, i had seen naked women on Cinemax and i use to sit in my room with the headphones on watching porn, but this was way different, i had a girl right in front of me, everything there for the taking. it felt good to finally be here. to have this finally happen. i wondered if this made me a man now? or just a boy with a toy?
i ran my hand along her back, just letting my finger tips graze her skin.
she shivered
"ohh don't do that, it makes me feel weird"
"uh. ok."
then she walked out the door
i was sixteen, a fat kid with a pimpled face and spiked hair. never drank heavily before in my life, never smoked a cigarette or shot a gun.
but i had sex for the first time.
and that was nice.
Sophia was great.
Sophia.
My First.
A few weeks later we were sitting around eating shrimp cocktails at this shitty seafood place up the block.
"i want you to meet my dad"
"ok"
"can i tell you something"
i popped another shrimp in my mouth
"course babe"
"my dad isn't like your dad. your dads great, he loves you very much, and he's got such a kind face."
"you obviously don't know him like i do"
"shut up!"
she playfully reached over the table and punched me in the arm
"but for real though, my dad has a lot of mood swings, and he's mean sometimes and sometimes he's like a big teddy bear, so if he starts acting weird just be nice ok?"
"of course"
"you love me right?"
i was starring at the girl behind Sophia eating and there was a book on the table next to her tacos. she was older, like in her 20's, and had these huge tits that she would rest on the table when she looked down to read her book. hands running up towards that mass of black hair. i started getting hard right there in the shitty seafood place.
"Jeremy!"
"what?"
"i asked if you love me?"
"look, stop being all paranoid..."
i was fingering the last shrimp wondering if she was going to take it, god i was fucking hungry.
"i'll be cool, i'm not scared or anything, and i think it's a good step for us, i mean you've already met my parents, and your mom seems cool enough. i love you babe, you know that, and if it brings us closer together by having me meet your dad then lets do it!"
"ok. tomorrow?"
"sure. (whatever)"

the next day was Saturday and i woke up with a weird feeling. a hollow feeling in my stomach, like if i had drank way too much coffee. putting on my best shirt and a clean pair of dickies i walked over to her house. dragging my feet the whole way. i practiced what i would say to her dad, how i would respond to his meanness or hatred towards me. i understood that he understood i had my penis all over his virgin daughter. in her mouth, between her tits, in her vagina, and eventually, over time, she'd have it in her ass (true story).
i walked up to the door and heard shouting coming from inside, the door was slightly open and i knocked a couple times. Sophia came over in her sweat pants and her hair tied up and let me in. her father was sitting on the couch, and the t.v. was at such a high volume that i started wondering if this guy was deaf, or maybe he just liked watching soccer games this loud because it made him feel like he was at the stadium.
the following conversation took place mostly in spanish, but i've translated it some for you gringos (white folk) out there.
"papi, i want you to meet my boyfriend Jeremy"
"hola senor."
he didn't say hi, he just starred at me like he was the lion and i was a cub begging for scraps. his hair was grey and cut short, he had the old school cholo mustache and a unbuttoned flannel shirt. his jeans were rolled up so you could see the star on his high top converse. he looked like a tough mother fucker, his face was cut from stone, and his eyes would narrow and he'd rub his hands together.
he put out his hand
i gave him a firm handshake and looked straight into his eyes.
"sit down."
i sat there with my hands on my legs as Sophia went back into the kitchen.
he looked over at me and put his hand on my leg, turning the tv down he turned towards me and came close to my face.
"she tells me you're a nice boy, treats her well, walk her to school everyday and wait for her when she gets out of work... i don't like my daughters hanging out with cabrones (assholes). You're not a cabron are you?"
"no senor"
"do you love her?"
"i do, very much, she is my best friend and my companion, we do everything together."
"everything?"

fuck. i shouldn't of said that, now he's going to ask me if we had sex, and what do i say? be honest and say yes? or should i lie and say no? but if i lie and he finds out then i'm really in trouble...
just then Sophia walked over and asked me if i wanted something to drink
"just water, thanks babe."
"no" - her father had this way of speaking, it went in waves, it would start with a growl and pitch high in the middle, then end with a slow drawn out word.
"you drink beer?"
"no" - i had taken the occasional beer bong shot, and drank some of my parents liquor, but i hadn't ever drank in front of an adult.
"what are you? some kind of chavala? (sissy)"
before i could answer he shouted to Sophia in the kitchen to bring me a beer. she walked over and i could tell by her fake smile she was hoping i didn't fuck any of this up. for both our sakes.
"thank you" - i smiled warmly, to make her feel comfortable and know that everything was cool.
"today is Saturday, in this house, my house, the woman clean, cook, and serve us, the men, this is how my father did it, and this is how i do it"
he reached over and cracked my beer for me
"salud"
"salud"
"what do we cheers to?"
"you and your wife and this house"
"simon' (fuck yes)"
"now, Jeremy, i want to ask you something."
"yes?"
"do you like soccer?"
"not really"
"why?"
"i like american football, because it's a lot more contact, and similar to chess, you need a battle plan and have to come out with ways to psych the other opponent out, it's a mental game with human pawns, it's also very fun to play (this is the part where i thought i would impress him) i play first string center and first string nose guard, so i'm in the middle of all the mess with things go down, it's such a mental game, you have to pay attention to everything, you have to be completely wide open, eyes, mind, body, everything."
"so no soccer?"
"no."
"what are you? some kind of chavala? soccer is a real sport, not that shitty american football, that's just a bunch of fags on the field playing with each other, jacking each other off in the locker room and smoking dope.. you don't smoke dope.. do you?"
"no senor"
"good, that shit fucks up your brain chemistry.. cigarettes?"
"no senor"
"what are you? some kind of chavala? real men smoke cigarettes, look at me, i have been smoking since i was 14 and i'm strong like a goddamn bull."

he kept calling me a sissy and it was beginning to really infuriate me, i took bigger and loner sips of my beer hoping that if i had enough to drink, this stupid fucking cabron would become tolerable.. suddenly the anger dissipated because i thought about Sophia's ass and tits in my face, her sweet taste and the way it felt when i slid my penis into her. ahh the fucking joys of life, sweet sweet vagina. paradise for a sixteen year old. if i could crawl up in there and take a nap i probably would.

"hey"
"yes"
"what the fuck are you smiling about?"
"i'm having fun sitting here with you sir, my dads not really around much."
"yeah well i'm always around. (that part was true, he didn't have a job) and cut this sir shit out, call me Robert."
"ok Roberto"
he eased up a bit and we just sat there drinking. Sophia would bring us beers and snacks periodically. when Roberto got mad at the t.v. he'd yell, "you're a bunch of fucking chavalas! good for nothing swine." after a few more beers i noticed how many empty cans were on the coffee table when i got up to pee. i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, i had been lost out there for some time, i wanted to get along so that my girl could be happy, but this wasn't making me happy at all, i strangely felt like i was losing something, it was being sucked out of me, taken from me. but what was it i was losing?

"Mijo, we've drank all this beer and it's only half time, drive me to the liquor store!"
i must be on his good side, he just called me son.
"i can't drive, i feel drunk."
"what are you? some kind of chavala?.......... nah horse shit, you've just been sitting down for too long and your balls have gone numb. come on, lets go."
he walked out the door and Sophia rubbed my back.
"i don't want to do this."
"please baby, you don't understand, when he gets mad no one can talk to him, and he won't leave, he shouts and picks on us, sometimes he fights with Elias (her little brother)."
she put her head down, then her voice went up a pitch
"... and the other day, he, he, he threw a beer bottle"
"at who?"
"at Paola (her younger sister)"
"does he do things to you?"
"no, not really, mostly the others, but if you're here he's ok. he likes you"
i didn't know what to do, i wanted to help Sophia, i loved her so much but i felt trapped. i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be this guys new friend. if i could just get Sophia out of here, if we could find a place to be together without disruption, parents, school, anything, just a place for us to hold each other in the sun and sleep together at night, our bodies entangled with the blankets and my arms wrapped tight around her, providing her with security and love.
i walked out the door and tried to make it over to the car. i was feeling pretty buzzed and i barely knew how to drive. Roberto was sitting in the car singing along to Pink Floyd's "Money" and drumming on his thighs. i backed out of their driveway and ran my hand through my hair.

"yeah, we make you a man today, you drink and smoke, maybe have a little fun, you're an okay kid in my book."
---yeah really? fuck your book you prick, you treat your family so horrible, i wonder how such a pure being like Sophia came from your evil, deranged, crazy goddamn seed.
-- i kinda liked him. aside from all of his macho bullshit, he had this presence about the way he was around other people, he was like a giant push forward, like when you're standing in the super market zoning out on the canned food and somebody hits you from behind right under the ankle.. it makes you turn around and open your eyes.
we drove with the radio turned up a little louder than i liked, but boy was Roberto having fun, his Tecate can snuggled between his legs in a paper bag as he slapped his thighs and moved his head around in the air like Stevie Wonder. i wondered how much of his day was spent doing all this?
i waited in the car for him in front of the liquor store. Getting in the car, he pulled out a bunch of candy from his coat pockets.
"you like candy Jeremy?"
"yeah. sure"
"what kind?"
"jolly ranchers."
"what? fuck that. you some kind of chavala? here, eat a mango lollipop covered in chili powder, it'll put a little fire in your gut."
i sucked on the candy for a bit, and i loved the sour/spicy feeling it gave my mouth. i looked over and he was pushing the tip of a cigarette down into a container, like packing the end of it with something. without looking up at me he casually said, "keep your eyes on the road"
he lit the cigarette and took a few puffs, then passed it over to me.
"no, no, thank you, i'm okay"
"smoke it"
"i don't smoke, i don't like it."
"Jeremy, you love my daughter?"
"of course Roberto"
"well, i'd hate to see you do something bad to mess that up. maybe you turn down something that i'm trying to share with you and it makes me rethink our situation, i only want my daughter to date the finest men, the best men possible, and right now, you aren't much of a man, but we can work on that, you have a good heart, a good brain, now we can make you strong."

he slammed his fist against his chest.

fuck me. i knew what he was getting at. if i didn't do any of this shit he'd think i was some kind of punk ass and wouldn't let Sophia out of the house. i took a hit off the cigarette and thats when i knew what he was packing the end with. it was weed. he was packing the end of the cigarette with weed.

"you like the cigarette?"
"yes, it taste good"
"that's right, we've got some work to do, but when you're done, you'll be just like me."
"great"
"Jeremy, you ever hit a woman?"
"no, i think that's the worst thing you can do."
"well, let me tell you something, woman are like small animals, they're pretty, soft, they have small brains, not very smart, and sometimes they do things, stupid things, and you, as the man, you have to start at the beginning, at the point right where they do the stupid thing, you hit them, not hard, maybe just a pinch to start, but you associate the feeling of pain with mistakes, and i'll tell you, they won't do those things anymore. a la mula y a la mujer, a palos se ha de vencer" (with the mule and woman, they both learn with sticks.)

he handed me a beer and told me to take the last hit off the cigarette. i was sixteen, drunk driving with a beer can in one hand, no license, and a cigarette with traces of weed in my mouth. sixteen year olds shouldn't be doing this. we should be playing football in the street, or going to the mall, or playing miniature golf and hanging out at the movies.

this was my life for the next 5 years. i'd come over and hang out with Roberto until he drank himself to sleep, and then i would sneak into the room with Sophia and watch t.v. on her small single sized bed. sometimes we'd make out, but we kept most of our sexual adventures going on over at my house. love had a strong hold on us. only something like that would make me put up with someone like Roberto.

i started taking beers home with me and drinking them on the walk over while i smoked Marlboro Red's. usually when i got back home my parents were in their room and i'd shut my door to be alone for awhile. i'd sit in my room with everything off except a lamp. just sit there in silence sucking on a beer and starring at the floor. i felt like my brain had melted inside of my skull and there was a light film over my eyes. i was losing weight and my football coach was on my ass about my lax attitude. i just stopped caring. football didn't mean shit to me, i hated most of those people anyway. i wanted to sit in my room, in silence, with no one to bother me, and drink beer with a cigarette in the other hand. i had done my homework.

One day when i went over Roberto was out. probably scoring weed or drinking with his auto shop buddies.
Sophia answered the door and we walked over to the table and sat down for a little while.
"papi really likes you, and it seems like you guys get along. he's nice to me now."
"yeah. sure... can i have a beer?"
she turned her head sideways for a minute and narrowed her eyes.
"yes baby" she walked over to the fridge, "are we going to see my sister tomorrow? i want to see the new baby."
"ugh"

her older sister just had a baby. everyone was so happy, but i just kinda stood around wondering what everyone was so happy about. great. another kid born into poverty, with two parents who have only known each other for about 6 months, and the best part was that Roberto hated her older sisters boyfriend. they had a fistfight a week earlier and this wasn't exactly the right time to bring a child into this family.

one day we were in my truck, the three of us, Sophia, her sister Mariam, and me, and Mariam asked Sophia why we haven't had a kid yet.
"this guy doesn't want to"
"how come you don't want to Jeremy?"
"i don't think we're ready, we need our own place, we need to be independent of our parents."
Mariam turned towards Sophia
"you know what you should do?"
"hmmm"
"you should get him drunk, like really drunk, and then have sex without a condom, that's how i got Barry to do it, and then like magic, poof, i was pregnant."
"yeah, i know huh?"

i wanted to drive that truck right into a fucking lamp post. this world doesn't deserve people like that floating around on it, people who can do that to another person and not even have an ounce of regret, guilt, or sorrow in them. i felt bad for Barry, the guy was a prick, but fuck, i wish he had a better half. because this chick was straight evil sent from the devil. Mariam was polluting Sophia's brain with this stuff and i started wondering what other things she was teaching her when i wasn't around. i didn't like this one bit.

thats when i started looking for my way out

but i was already too deep. too involved. i had become her little sisters godfather for christ sake. i couldn't go anywhere. i was trapped. forever. i started spending more time in my room with beer and cigarettes, sometimes i'd hike up into the mountains behind my house and sit there smoking and drinking until i couldn't feel anymore, wishing that i could disappear into the night air and be carried away to different parts of the world.

i came over to Sophia's house one day and as i was crossing their lawn i heard loud shouting, and things being moved around. i walked up and Sophia was at the door with her little sister behind her.
"Papi and Elias are fighting!"
i walked in and the living room looked like a bomb hit it. there was a hole in the t.v. and the couch was flipped over. there were beer cans all scattered around and the coffee table was broken in half. there was Roberto standing in the middle, with one of the coffee table legs in his hands beating Elias who was on the ground in a ball crying.
"Roberto"
"oh, look who came to join the party, its my whore daughters punk ass boyfriend. leave before i get you next!"
he was sweating and his face was bright red, his eyes were wild. Roberto was on something, some drug. i knew he was.
i had driven him downtown to score drugs a few times, we'd creep down Los Angeles Street until he saw his guy, at which point he'd jump out of the car and i'd meet him around the corner. he never offered me any of the hard stuff, just the cigarettes with weed tips, nothing major. whenever we got home he'd go sit in the backyard and do whatever it was he bought, nobody went out there for at least 4 hours and Sophia would leave an ice chest with beer by the backdoor for him. Keep daddy happy, don't let daddy flip out, be good to daddy..

"i'm leaving Roberto"
"ok chavala"

Sophia grabbed my arm as i was heading out the door, i motioned for her to go outside with me.
"don't leave!"
"i'm not, but he needs to think i'm leaving so he can calm down, i'll sit out here and if he gets really crazy call me and i'll come in."
"promise?"
"baby, i'll never leave you, i love you, you know that"
"i love you too"

tears were coming down her face. real Gone With the Wind style. i sat with my back against the wall and waited. i heard him yelling at them. calling them mistakes, and whores, and good for nothing swine, he called Elias a puta and told him that he was a mistake. Elias didn't like that and it got real quiet suddenly. then Sophia called my name and i stood at the door. Roberto was on top of Elias with his hands wrapped around his neck. Elias was beginning to turn purple and i knew i had to do something. i snuck up behind him and called out his name.
"ROBERTO!"
i reached back and put all of my anger for him and others like him into my fist, all of the name calling, all of the pressure that he gave me and i let it all fly towards him. my fist landed right on his temple and he fell over on the floor. he tried to get up and was mumbling, stumbling around like a fool, but he never made it to his feet, he collapsed there on the floor in the living room, amongst the beer cans. seemed just.

after that Sophia and i didn't get along at all. i think she resented me for hitting her father and i wasn't allowed over at the house anymore. She started cheating on me and purposely pushing my buttons to get me angry. i couldn't blame her.. it wasn't her fault, she was born and raised a certain way, and her father had beaten the love out of her, her sister had made her a lying, deceiving, sneaky girl and i couldn't save all of them. i just wanted to save myself, but little by little, things started falling apart, and finally, we were just two empty shells of humans sitting alone in opposite sides of the city.

there's no lesson here. no real point or moral to draw from this. I see Roberto from time to time riding is bike around town, but he doesn't acknowledge me, so i just pretend like i don't see him either. maybe it's easier for him that way? maybe he just doesn't really care? i don't know and i don't think it matters, not to him, and not to me.

if anything this is a story about how important those years between 16 and 21 are. i should of been going on dates, getting ready for college, learning how to socialize correctly and become a responsible adult.

instead i would sit around with an aging drunk watching soccer and driving him to the liquor store when i had no business being in a car. whenever i was home i'd sit in my room with my favorite lamp on, some Tecates, a pack of Marlboro's and a stack of books and stay up late into the night. sometimes i'd write, but it would all be very vague and pointless.

Sophia is happy now, she finally had a baby and lives out near Arcadia. we seldom talk. her little sister Paola also has a baby and her younger sister Eve has a baby boy. a family filled with little bundles of joy. i'm happy for them. actually, honestly, i am happy, because i'm no longer apart of that, so i'm actually really happy for myself. which matters most.. because in the end, it's just me and this brain. and if i lose him, then i really have lost.