about a year ago i was down in Ensenada with my good friends. i had been high all the time on over the counter amphetamines, sometimes if i had enough, my heart would try to escape my chest by way of my throat, putting my fingers up to my temple, i could feel my blood rushing, constant movement was the only way to keep me from ripping the labels off the beer bottles and cracking my knuckles -- it was a good time.
we had been going out into the ocean for a couple days now, and on this particular day i was feeling brave, invincible, undefeated... (having my best friends with me, playing music, drinking all day and eating good food put me in a special place) the tide was strong, and i never went out beyond the water level at chest, for i am not a good swimmer, and if pulled out into my watery death, i would surely either drown, or give up from exhaustion. i ventured out slowly, and occasionally i pulled back, got my footing, and would bob up and down with the water. i couldn't enjoy this peace though, and i wanted just a little bit of fear, (which is an idiotic thing to do, i'll get to that later on.. bare with me) i went deeper and deeper out, until my friend (who is six feet tall) was about 20 yards behind me when i turned around. everything went silent, and my eyes flickered for a second, and then i realized i was being pulled out to sea. "fuck" i screamed, and my friend came for me with a boogie board in an attempt to tow me back in, but even then the current was too strong for both of us.. he swam back in and as i looked out, watching his figure become smaller and smaller, (i had to be at about a 100 yards from shore now) i panicked and watched as he ran up the beach to the lifeguard tower (the lifeguard tower is about 200 yards from the point where we were swimming)
something in me sparked, and i started pushing and swimming as hard as my body would let me, then i pushed a bit more, and i didn't focus on the shore, but only on making it closer to land, inch by inch i made my way towards the shore, and when i finally emerged, body limp from exhaustion, i let myself fall into the warm sand and breathed in the fresh salty air.

this was not the first time i got myself into a mess because i got outside of my head.

round 2

a friend of ours had a birthday, and heavy drinking was involved, i knew my ex girlfriend would be there, but i was at a better place now in my life, and felt that i could handle it. after many, many, many glasses of scotch, we hit the bar. karaoke ensued, and everyone was having a merry time. the ex girlfriend (lets call her Dee) was beginning to warm up to me, and i felt that maybe i had a chance to mend our past (goes against everything i believe in, i know) my buddy pulled my aside and i specifically remember him trying to tell me not to do what i was thinking i should do, but i blew him off, because again.. again.. i was feeling brave and invincible (no amphetamines this time, this was alcohol mixed with feelings that i wanted to replicate all over again, even though, i knew, i knew for sure, that i shouldn't, but when have i ever followed rules?) she decided it was time for her to leave, and i couldn't possibly let her walk home at 1:30 in the morning by herself in the seedy part of Hollywood. i popped my head back in the bar to say goodbye, and getting tangled in the tarp they place over the door, i fell straight on my face (not before hitting the edge of the pool table with my head). as i got up, straightening my hat, i bolted for my car. i backed up a bit to pull out and smashed the front of a truck, then clipped the parking meter on my way out. luckily Dee only lived about 2 blocks away, so i caught her about a block from her place.
"get in"
"i'm only a block away"
"come on, at least let me drive you a block, pretty girl like you shouldn't be out this late alone, lots of creeps and rapist."

she got in the car and i pulled around the corner, we sat in the idling car for awhile talking, and then i leaned over and kissed her, just like the first time we met, and i felt her turn to putty in my hands.
"i'm too drunk to drive"
"i know"
"then why'd you let me drive you?"
she twisted her shirt in her hands.
"you want to come in for some water or something?"
"sure"
she got out and i went to park my car. her new apartment smelled like apricots, and it had a kick ass view of Melrose. we sat around talking for awhile and playing stupid little games with each other, finally we decided it was time to go to bed, and that i should come with.
i laid there starring at her ceiling fan until she reached over and put her arms around me. i nuzzled up against her nice big breast and went to sleep. in the morning she started asking me all kinds of questions..
"i don't think your friend likes me"
"of course he doesn't"
"why?"
"because you broke my heart."
"you've got a good friend there"
"i know"
it started getting awkward at this point and she put her shirt on. it was time for me to leave, and i felt it.
"okay, well... i'm gonna go."
i turned to leave and was halfway towards the door when she yelled from the bedroom...
"i didn't really break your heart did i?"
"more than you'll ever know."

i put my sunglasses on and stepped out into the milky sunlight, i lit up a cigarette and made my way towards the car.
the car was parked with one tire up on the curb, and the rear bumper nuzzled up against the trunk of a tree...i circled around and saw the huge dent that was left from backing into that truck, and my front fender was scratched from the parking meter.

sometimes i get outside of my head, and i know i'm doing bad.. but something tells me not to care, and to just destroy for the sake of destroying, to cause chaos just because it seems like fun and i want that angst to be released. sometimes when i'm angry i knock over peoples trash cans with my car, or piss on the door handle of someone who parked like an asshole.
somehow, it's all making sense now.

our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong, stupid, and foolish..
-Chuck Palahniuk