The Rail Road Pocket Watch

i have the watch
curled up on my sink
between my toothbrush
and razor blade
it catches me every morning
and every morning
it's a punch in the gut
and i lose my wind
i lose my mind
the watch is here now
in my lap
next to this bottle of
12 year Buchanana's
and i'm thinking
i'm thinking that maybe you shouldn't be reading this
as i shouldn't be writing it
but i'm also thinking that you don't read this anymore
so i have liberty to do what i want.
just as you have liberty to stop reading now
and never come back to this place
seems fair
honestly
if i didn't see you when i do
i don't think we'd be friends at all
and if wasn't for that place
we probably would of never ran across each other
we don't run in the same circles
the same cliques
you've got this pure thought of life
of the world
and that's nice
but i can never have that
because i don't want it
and when we argue
we're arguing two separate views of life
it might as well be Catholic vs. Nihilist
mixed feelings now
i must close it
leave it
know
that you'll never change
because the ones before you
and the ones after you
are just like
you
which may be true
for all of us
often,
people do very shitty things
and amazingly
i am no longer surprised by this
anger doesn't overtake me
laughing
hanging up the phone
laughing
smoking my cigarette
laughing
typing now
and laughing
it's the joke of life
the joke of the gods
when you acknowledge the good in people
but somehow
some way
they manage to shit
on the best things
and hold faintest, ugliest, most undesirable
towards their heart
the good guy never wins
because he won't let himself
he won't stop screaming at himself
in his head
about how much bullshit
how hypocritical
she is
so now the railroad watch
is still held in my lap
because no matter how distraught i am
it was given to me for a reason
i wish she could tell time