i looked at her. she looked at me. it was quiet. i thought about having sex with her. she had her legs crossed in a very provocative way. it turned me on a little. i felt my cock growing inch by inch.she wasn't pretty at all. in fact, if anyone else saw her they would of thought her ugly. her smooched face and furrowed brows made her seem unpleasant, but thats what i liked about her. she had a cold and blew her nose several times. i brought her a hot cup of abuelitas chocolate with a little rum and it seemed to smooth her over. we laid on the couch together watching a movie. it was nice. i felt warm inside again. i don't remember the movie, maybe because i had a nice rum and coke floating nearby? i don't know. we talked a little about our past relationships. she had a baby from he latest one, maybe 4 months ago. i had been with girls who had babies before, it wasn't knew to me, i had expectations this time. we kissed. it was nice. she had a very soft kiss, a very prolonged kiss that i didn't want to stop. we laid there kissing for what must of been hours. i was hot, and so was she. i moved my hands down to her jeans and put my fingers at the top of freedom. it was nice and wet. i sighed and she sighed too. i felt connected and ready for obliteration. she obliged. we moved to my room and began. the hot chocolate was left on the coffee table to cool and become chocolate milk in the morning. we laid together on flannel sheets and began exploring each others bodies. she was nervous about the weight she had put on and i told her it was okay. we murmured back and forth until she felt comfortable and i spooned her from behind. i slid it in nice and slow and she didn't seem to respond immediately but once i began rotation she buckled down. she mentioned how good it felt for me to be inside of her and i chose not to respond. sex was a weird being for me. she began to moan and grunt and i could tell she was playing the game. this girl had watched one to many porns in her life and knew exactly what should be done. she slid down and began to suck on me and it felt great until i knew she was faking. she didn't know she was faking though, she thought this is what normal people in normal sexual situations did. i took her in my arms and tried for a little sweet loving.. she did not respond.. i kept thrusting and pushing but nothing seemed to be working. it felt rehearsed and fake. i slid off of her and she began to feel bad... asked me what was wrong... i laid there at the ceiling and instead of telling  her about how full of shit she was i simply said:

"too much whiskey baby"

later that morning she left.

i didn't want to make her feel bad.

and then I CAME.

i looked at myself in the dwindling light
reflected by driver side mirror.
i was not good looking in any way
by my own fault.
i was drunk
and who want's a drunk?
no one.
i had a cigarette dangling from my mouth
when smoking is the glossiest thing
now.
my faded black shirt
and cheap "Target" jeans
who would want a chap
who was not well dressed
and drug addicted?
i starred at my phone
and that only depressed me further
i thought of all the women who passed through
and they only had the "3" month gap
after that
they disappointed and disappeared.
i looked at myself
my ramshackle
bookend down-self
living not alone
room full of books
who want's a guy who's full
of intelligence?
i thought about having a girl
having that girl there.
would she let me write
like i do now?
would she let me get drunk
and yell on like i do?
would she look at me like soft play-dough
ready for molding?
would she be comfortable with me
writing about all of our sexual experiences
and lack thereof?
would she be content with my constant struggle
to understand?
fuck i think not!
she would want me to be naive and full of
nothing.
if i was you
i wouldn't want me either
i'm full of disposition
full of discontent
full of despise
for all those dirty pricks
robbing us blind!
i want to say something
to stand up and believe in a life
better than what we were handed
i don't want to be happy to be
"in love"
i want to be happy knowing
that i broke through
i made it on the other side
to destroy all those assholes
taking advantage of us.
call it admirable
call it mundane.
call me stupid
idiotic
and full of shit.
i believe
in it
more than JESUS.
and that in it's own right
coming from believers
might not be wise
i've got enough gumption
to strike
on
the
other
side
of
heathens.

if you can be anything
anything worth some salt
become a original thinker
who's not full of himself
and conceded in any way
if you can be anything
full of guff and swine
become a person with strong motives
that he doesn't need to hid
uh
yup
hide behind.
little lambs at the slaughter
little daughters getting molested
out back
behind the barn
on the race track.

and you've got to stay away from it.
love burns like early fog in dwindling night.
lost a women?
you'll have others
and you'll lose them too.
truth doesn't set anyone free
unless those who seek it.
i watched the hundred dollar man
waste himself away
at the neck of the bottle
peeling labels from cold sweat glass.
you can be anything,
but you choose this
because in the guts and fire
in the deception that life card hand gives you
you're not satisfied with.
if only you were stupid man
and a little bit slow
if only you were wearing what they want you to wear
if you were that "guy"
life would race across your blurred vision
faster than horse galloping with a cold cough
dying at every step.
but you won't.
you won't become self fulfilled,
you won't become dreadful and scornful
you won't become oblivious
and hollow
you're fucked my man
you have an insatiable appetite for destruction and
all things ugly.
the girls won't ever understand you
and plagued you shall remain.
take solace in that
take pride in that
take burning midnight blue-streaked fire in that.
let the rags soak the bile from your mouth
that foams with every morning rage.
life will be prolonged detachment from every human
every deviant
every disaster counts for something.
you've got the upper hand though,
you can see through the bullshit murmurs.
you're okay olde man
you've done well.
keep fighting the good fight.
when you've lost everything
and giving everything to those who don't deserve
anything
validated everyone in their own bullshit
desire
done all the right things
you still won't win.
because you don't want to
win
winning
is for losers
for self important assholes
who want to feel special
you want to lose
to be on the bottom rung
to climb
and climb
for the rest of your life
and holy shit
goddamn
that's admirable
to be
to be
to be
untouchable
by everyone.

oh, oh, oh My

be weary of those who will
consume you
be cautious of those who will
make promises
and never keep them
without knowing and without remorse
they are out to destroy and deceive
and much
and as definitive as they believe
in
themselves.
not to say to close off the inner well
that all those fishing for hope
purity
and downright  nastiness
will
yes.
you guessed it
"dispel"
they can't seem to find focus
integrity
or
that dwindling madness
that stirs you in your sleep
counting sheep
stars
or humanity
won't help your brain from racing.
let those ones in
who deserve to be inside
and lock all the others out
with the crowd
who will crucify you at the first chance.
balance is the word
balance is the key
be what those others
only wish
dream
and maybe don't even fathom
what they
cannot.
sleep fair prince to fight another day
if you're dead in the tracks
across railroad lines
than you didn't belong
here
with
those
goddamn eyes.