A Friend Indeed Needs Keebler Elves

it had to of been sometime in the early a.m.. cold fog covering the windows, moisture hanging in the air, i rolled over and felt my bladder crying out. i stumbled into the bathroom and pissed with one eye squinted. i didn't bother to wash my hands and felt my way back towards my room. i thought i heard small tapping on the front door and i stopped in my tracks.. silence... then tapping again.. and finally faint knocking.
"what the fuck?.. ugghh"
i dragged myself towards the door and looked through the peep-hole. tapping again.. rubbing my good eye, i saw that it was my friend Cody.. and boy was he sweating.. i cracked the door.
"hey"
"hey man, i need your help, put your shoes on"
"what the fuck?- it's.. uh.. whatever.. it's fucking early.. too early.. you okay?"
"just put your shoes on and come out to the car with me."
"quit fucking around, what happened? you crash or something?"
"no man.. i can't really say.."
"i'm going to sleep.. fuck off cody."
i closed the door and heard light tapping again.. i put my hands over my ears and went to my room, i wrapped myself up in the blankets and snugged my beanie on tight.
then.
pounding
loud pounding.... hard pounding..
"open up dead beat! police!"
i ran over to the door.
"shut the fuck up man.. you're going to freak Penny out.."
"shoes?"
"fuck fine.. i'm awake anyway.. not like i can sleep with you harassing me."
i lit a cigarette and walked down the stairs in my robe.. there was a light fog hanging in the air and his car had the running lights on.. we got in and Cody leaned over and put his hand on my arm, grasping a bit too tight..
"promise you won't freak."
"What's that smell?" - his car reeked of puke and urine, the cigarette mixing with these smells didn't help and i could feel my stomach tightening and my lower intestines shifting..
he looked me straight in the eye and motioned towards the back seat.. i didn't get it at first and then i turned and looked behind me.
crammed in the back of his '72 Plymouth Scamp was the body of a young naked woman. she had to be at least 18 (hopefully). by the looks of her she was snoring hard, and coming in and out of consciousness mumbling. the sweat had plastered bright cherry red hair to her forehead and her lips were crimson red. she had that nice alabaster skin, except half her body was covered in vomit and i'm pretty sure she had pissed herself.
"what the fuck man!"
"shhhh shhhh"
"don't fucking shhhh me asshole.."
"calm down"
"no, fuck that, i'm outta here, i didn't see shit."
he reached over and grabbed me by the collar of my robe as i was on my way out the door.. pulling me in he punched me in the ribs and leaned over to close the door.
"owww what the fuck.. ahhh"
"listen fuck stick.. i need your help.. she's not gonna die, but i got nowhere to keep her until she comes out of whatever the fuck it is she's on."
"please tell me this chick is at least 18"
"yeah i guess so"
"eh?"
"i mean yeah, of course, i met her at Johnnies last night so she's got to be at least 21."
"ok.. well fuck.. you're not keeping her in my house, and where's her clothes man?"
"you're sitting on them."
i moved over a bit and pulled a black dress out from under me and a black lace bra.
"where's her panties?"
"no panties"
"nice"
we both nodded.
"so.....uh.."
"yeah we fucked."
i gave him some serious stink eye. Cody was my friend, but he could be a bit of a prick sometimes and i didn't exactly know what happened. he could of drugged this chick, and she just might wake up any second screaming bloody murder and mace us in the face.

"What? don't look at me like that, i didn't do shit to her, swear.."

"yeah well..... then why's there a naked chick in your backseat covered in vomit?"

"i dunno.. we started fooling around and she gave me some pills.. when she reached over to the front to get the bottle i threw them under the seat.. she took at least 3 of them."
i fumbled around the floor for her purse and put the bottle of Evan Williams between my legs.. i lit another cigarette, took a pull off the bottle and riffled through her purse.
"our girl here is a walking pharmacy: Lithium, Adderall, OxyContin, Ephedrine, Valium, Skelaxin. shit man.. she could of taken any of these.. show me the pills."
as he was reaching under the seat i took her license out to make sure she was of legal drinking age.. can't be too safe now a days. her name was Ashlee.. ughh double "ee" her parents must of been stoners.
ah.. Ashlee from Aspen, Colorado.. wonder what mom would say knowing your out in Los Angeles eating Valium like candy and having sex with slime-balls like Cody?
he handed me the pills and through a little detective work i figured out that these were 2mg dose of Valium
"she'll be fine.. these are only 2mg and you need over 10mg to be in serious trouble and she took 3 right?"
"i think so"
"no. tell me if she took more, if not we're going to have to drop this girl off at the hospital and you know what that means.. rape kit.. stomach pumping.. extreme investigation and interrogation.... jesus christ man... by the time the cops get their hands on you they're going to tie your cock to a tractor and strap you to a light post and let the trannies in Hollywood have their way with you. i'm your friend but don't fuck with me, this is a goddamn human being in your backseat and honestly your fucking calmness of this whole situation makes me very uneasy, and shaky, and sweaty, and you know how i hate being fucking nervous, i hate anxiety, so look me in the eye and tell me if she took more than you think, or i swear to fucking god i will jump out of this car and call the goddamn cops myself."

"take it easy man.. 3.. i swear.. it was 3.. i remember.. because she said something about good things coming in 3's.. like holy trinity or some shit like that."

"hmm.."

i reached back and grabbed her wrist to take a pulse.. as i was counting i saw her tattoos.. princess on the hip bone, love in cursive on her ribcage.. a chefs toque on her wrist.. ahh what? a chefs toque? was this girl a cook or something? fuck i wouldn't mind working in a kitchen with someone this sexy.. she probably couldn't cook for shit but who am i to judge a girl who's passed out covered in piss? i'm no judgmental asshole. who's not a judgmental asshole? ahh this guy.. yeah..
90bpm.. just right.
"ok.. she should be fine.. she's breathing and probably puked up all the bad shit that was in her stomach.."
i took my robe off and wrapped it around her.. i wiped the vomit away from the edges of her mouth with my shirt and rolled her onto her side. she was actually very innocent looking sleeping like that, tranquil, kinda like one of those fragile looking glass dolls.. i thought for a minute what it would of been like if i had gone to the bar with Cody last night.. i might of hit it off with her, and saved the humiliation of all this. we could of been in my bed right now, spooning, with my face buried in those cherry red locks and the hot, sweet smell coming off of her as i pull the blankets tight around us to build a little cocoon to shed us from the evils of the world. maybe she liked baseball? we could go to the batting cages sometime and have a hot dog after, maybe walk around with a pint and get good and drunk.. sneak into a movie and throw popcorn at the screen..

suddenly i saw flashing blue and red lights behind us and i felt my stomach drop. it was the cops. and here we were, two guys in a car with a passed out dame and a shit load of pills.. a bottle of booze.. this was not good.. we were going to get into some serious trouble.. i'd get jail time for sure.. and probably raped in prison.. the judge would demand to have me circumcised with a pair of rusty kitchen shears and some used chicken wire, put my balls in a vice and tighten them until i clawed out my own eyes.. major fear coming on brewing with pure terror. if i was going to the stir, i was going to enjoy my last drink. i pulled the bottle to my lips and let as much of it run down into me as possible. the whiskey trickled down onto my shirt, and my throat began to close up, but i kept going until i couldn't drink anymore. i laid down with the bottle in my hands and crept up into the fetal position.
Cody turned around and punched me in the eye.
"oww you fucker"
"pretend like she's your girl"
"what? no fuck that, why'd you punch me?"
"shut up dick, put your arms around her and pretend like she's your special fucking lady friend"
"ok"
"now kiss her"
"what? No fuck that, she smells like barf"
"kiss her or so help me god i'll punch you in the nuts"
"fine... but wait... you didn't cum in her mouth did you?"
"no"
"swear"
"yeah"
i put my lips up against hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth. she tasted like teriyaki beef jerky
"she swallowed every drop of me though, girl had a mouth like a Hoover."
"aww what the fuck man?"
suddenly i puked all over the back of Cody's seat and then i blacked out.

when i woke up there was a cheeseburger on my chest. i laid there for a second, not really knowing what was going on, just staring at this cheeseburger rising up and down, up and down, very rhythmic and soothing. i didn't want to move or open my eyes all the way.. the sun had baked the car and the smell of dried vomit still lingered in the air. i didn't have my pants on.

"holy fuck!"
i got up and looked around.. what happen to the girl? and where's Cody? did the cops take them and leave me here with this fucking cheeseburger? were they coming back for me? did they tow the car to the scrap yard and was i about to be crushed into a 6'x6' cube? ahhh shit!
my head was pounding and as i opened the door i puked all over the sidewalk. this was fierce puke, the puke with so much projectile and force behind it that when it hits the grass, some of it splashes back onto your face which in turn makes you puke even more..

"holy fucking jesus christ almighty, goddamn i feel like shit."
i laid face down in the grass for sometime waiting for the cops to handcuff me and drag my sorry ass to jail.
"quite a mouth on this one huh Cody?"
i looked up and saw two people sitting on the hood, but the sun was behind them so i couldn't see their faces.
"yeah but he's like the tin man, heart of gold in this kid"
"Cody?"
"yeah.."
"what happened?"
he helped me up and gave me some water. i tried to eat as much of the cheeseburger as i could, but my stomach felt raw, like a skinned knee.. warm and gooey.
"when the cops walked up to the car i told them that you and Ashlee just got engaged, and that you both got shit face plastered. some guy punched you and i was driving you two back home and it also turns out that Ashlee's dad is a therapist, so she has prescriptions for all that shit in her purse, you didn't see that in there did you smart ass..??"
i kept chewing on my burger and keeping my eyes away from Ashlee..
"what about the booze?"
"oh.. haha.. well when you puked, you fell over, and lucky for us your fat ass landed on top of the bottle.."
"so wait? my drinking saved us?"
"uhh you could say that"
just then i grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear
"you were just fucking with me right? you didn't really cum in her mouth?"
"no man, i told you"
"cause i could of sworn..."
"anyway, i got to be going boys, but thank you for the great night. i left your robe up by your door, it's a little smelly, might want to air it out."
"uhh ok.. it was nice meeting you"
"sure"
her girlfriends pulled up in a nice black BMW and she got in. it crept forward a bit and then Ashlee rolled down her window.
"Cody"
"yeah"
he came close and leaned over on the door
"thank you for being such a sweetheart and taking care of me like that, it was truly the gentleman thing to do..."

i put my hand up in the air, "Actually.."

Cody shot the stink eye at me, "I'm talking to my special lady friend over here man, chill for a second."

fuck me. goddamn prick son of a bitch

"i'm sorry i got a little out of hand, maybe we can grab dinner later? take me on a proper date?"
she batted her eyes and i could see Cody melting where he stood.
"of course baby. you got my number right?"
"yeah."
"ok, we'll talk later hun. bye"

she grabbed him by the shirt and gave that bastard a kiss.. she practically ate his goddamn face off.

Cody and i stood there as the car sped off and turned the corner. i was still holding the cheeseburger wrapper in my hand.
"hey Cody"
"yeah Jeremy"
"i fucking hate you"
"aww..i fucking hate you too man"