Sex & Violence

     i thought to myself where do i go from here? what am i going to do in the mean time before i die? things can become mundane and repetitive, but you've got to focus on those higher points yes?
 yes.
     it was a chilly, foggy night up near the mountains of glendale, and for all of my fight, i didn't want to be in the middle of chaos because of the feeling it gave me in the morning. i had gone over the bars, i had been through the women, i had seen what needed to be seen and felt content in knowing that surprises no longer leap around that corner. although i was halfway wishing for one to come around and slap me in the face. i had a week left at work before the big vacation out to New York and then on to San Francisco. i thought about my girlfriend, and then i thought about life.
      what am i suppose to do now? the system had manipulated me into believing that the answers lied within becoming a father, growing  a family, building a house and home, but those things only bewildered and distracted me from those true answers i was looking for. i was as lost as when i was born, only now i had a brain to put the pieces together. who knew what the world held for me? or what i held for the world?
      the job was alright. although the customers were dim witts and completely moronic, my employees were lazy and somewhat distracted. i thought about what a blessing in disguise this was. if i worked an office job at some bullshit company doing bullshit things i would of probably hung myself from the rafters by now. either that or drank myself so far into a stooper that the way out was too far out into the horizon for me to see. i'd be unshaven and drink in the morning, then drink in the afternoon, then drink at night to go to bed. life would be one big hazy ball of joy. why would i want that? to only further my unrealistic notion of the future? fuck that noise.
      what am i suppose to do now? move out and have kids with this woman? we'd make some beautiful babies, that's for sure, but do i really rely and trust her farther than i can throw her? if life has taught me anything thing than it's to be one foot forward and one foot inside either ready to stay or ready to leave. hobson's choice on that one.
      i wanted the dream thought. i wanted it bad. i wanted to fall in love, to believe in love. to believe in unhabituated happiness and tenderness. but everything that led up to this point left me in demise. how can you change 20 some odd years of thought in just a few days? years? decades? i figured the point was in not thinking about it, in living in denial of truth. that seemed like a happy alternative, but i couldn't become apart of that nonsense. i wanted truth and murder. with truth comes great pain and agony. and i knew it but hurled myself towards it anyway.
      so here i was. at a crossroads, trying to figure out the impending doom and still trying to stay focused on the current task. i knew i had this system figured out, and there was no way to beat it, but to manipulate it to your own liking. i would use the system as best as i could to get what i wanted out of it. it made me sad to realize this so early in life. i wish this would of happened during the mid life crisis (one of which i will never have). but then again it seemed logical to figure this one out early on in life, and later on true discoveries will unravel themselves. i couldn't wait for the next question to be asked and presented with a rationale answer. my life would be saved, while others would be lost. to forever damn themselves to their own stupid human, repatative behavior expecting different results. this hamster found his way out of the cage. you can keep spinning that wheel until you die, you deserve it, and will forever be happy in your mundane existence. enjoy the ride, it may very well be all you have.