Don't think Twice

"do you see it?"
"yeah"
"don't just shake your head yes and not really see it, do you fucking see it? is the question"
"not really"
we were both standing there, out in the sun, on the grass, with our shoes off, both wearing hats, i had my glasses on, he squinted a bit
"let me ask you a question"
"shoot"
"why do you insist on not believing?"
"fatalistic?"
"bullshit"
"it's all here man, all around you, in the grass and in the wine, in the gin and in the food, it's all here, it's come down to this, it's everything and nothing and somethings and sometimes, you need to really open your fucking eyes man, take your head out of the sand and really believe it, not just embrace it, or even pet it, believe it, make it apart of you, butcher it into your consciousness, it's all here, it's all in your hand. now look at your hand and think about whats here and how it got here."
i thought for a long time, i bit my lip, silence set in, i closed my eyes, i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be doing this, and especially around all these people, i wanted to crawl right back into bed and let the day progress, i felt forced and tricked, i was vulnerable, all these things were destroying me, i wished i was stupid. when i reached down to check my phone, he punched me in the chest, i stumbled back and landed right on my ass, i put my head down and held it between my hands, this was it, it was either me or the butcher, i couldn't let it end like this.
"how?"
"feel it"
"and who?"
"everyone"
my heart hurt right where he hit me, it was hard to breath and i almost wanted to say fuck this and just head right back into my car, but when i motioned to get up he slapped me, i've never been slapped, stings a bit.
"now i want you to repeat this: this is syndrome."
"this is a syndrome"
"be yourself"
"be myself"
"think, but don't think"
"eh?"
"THink but don't think!" he motioned to hit me again
"think but don't think"
"do"
"wha?"
i said "do"
"do"
now you can go.
i got up, dusted the grass from my pants and squawked at the crows, they were all laughing, i laughed back, we both walked back to the car, he put his hand on my shoulder
"you did alright kid"
"thanks"

and that's the glory of it all

Rasputin

Rasputin

To awaken, naked, covered in vomit is not a good way to begin. Head throbbing and neck muscles tense, I uncurled from the fetal position and began putting my face back on. Staggering into the bathroom I slurped at the water faucet like some kind of famished dog. Projectile vomiting ensued. Easing my way back onto the bed, I began recollecting the previous nights events.
I had come into possession of six peyote buttons from a mutual friend who we will call Hank. I was already plastered by the time he placed the satchel in my lap so I figured, “why not?” Chewing the first of what would become 4 buttons I was immediately drawn to the texture of it. Almost like eating an artichoke, stringy and salty came to mind. I washed it down with some warm Pacifico and continued on.
My apartment was hot and getting hotter by the minute. I cracked some windows and poured myself some two-buck chuck wine and sat in my chair. Ohhh my chair; I found it on a side street near work. It was leather with a high back decorated with diamond inlay. Some degenerates had tagged on it and defaced a nice fucking chair. But I loved that thing; sitting lonesome, turned on it side, discarded on the street by some old man who probably sat in it watching M.A.S.H. while he was drinking scotch and smoking a Backwood Cigar. I had to bring that thing home. You should have seen the look on my brothers’ faces when I lugged it up the stairs. Fuck em’, they don’t have to sit in it.
About 20 minutes into my passionate chair loving, I decided to take a second dose. Button number two made me gag as soon as it hit my lips. Needless to say, it tasted like I had a sock in my mouth. The nausea was setting in, and the wine wasn’t helping any. To defuse my desire to vomit, I stuck my head out of my window for some fresh air. Lighting a cigarette and taking a drag, I started thinking about what life would be like if we could only see in black in white. Would we lose all passion for food? Art? What would racism be like? Would people be more into texture and shadows? You dig?
After tossing my cigarette onto my landlords car, I stuck my head back in and went to work on chewing the third one. These little fucks were starting to taste pretty good. Almost made me think of slapping some goat cheese on top with some grapes and making a party tray for the annual “Santiago” family Thanksgiving dinner.
I faded into the television for a while and watched “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”. I never noticed how Bill Murray never smiles, but delivers his lines with a smooth, charismatic voice and doesn’t try to be funny. He just is. He just is. I just am, as we all move about. Adjusting, nursing, screaming, crying, fighting, arguing, living, dying, breathing, sighing, jumping, dancing, fucking, sucking, kicking, groping, testing, driving, smoking, drinking, drinking, drinking,….. you dig?
By this time, I was not well. But in the tradition of my elders, I pushed on and chewed the fourth button for what felt like ten minutes. Standing up to refill my glass, I felt my earrings begin to weigh me down. My knees locked, and I could feel my blood pumping and oozing from every pore. I whimpered like puppy that got slapped in the nose with a rolled up “Time” magazine and fell to the floor. My bottom lip quivering, the last thing I saw was a pair of shoes running towards me. My eyes watered up and everything went a blur.
Blackout.
Sipping a frosty beverage with an umbrella, it was the middle of summer. I sat in a state of numbness, as my body was no longer connected to my limbs. I was free falling, to quote Tom Petty. Every move I made was not felt. I had to only think “it” and “it” would happen without even a bit of effort. Things manifested themselves in front of me. Pretty soon I had a nice setup going. Full bar, a couple Cuban cigars, some hot chicas in bikinis fanning me with huge feathers. I was living it up! I heard a loud squawk and looked up to see two crows hanging about on the phone line. Phone line? Who needs phones where I’m going? Then it happened. My cigar, gone. My chicas, gone. Even the bar. Ahh the bar.. please take anything but my precious bar.
The crows swooped down and perched on both my knees. I was scared to look at them, I knew they were there, but I refused to take my forearm away from my eyes. When I did manage to muster up the strength, I saw right into his deep black eye. Nothingness, eternal, deep, down, plague of hell nothingness. Suddenly he spoke: “Leave us alone”. I thought the bastards were going to peck out my eyeballs and have them for lunch. But they gave me a loving peck on each check, rustled their wings softly against my face, and flew away.
When they were gone, I felt this cold loneliness that comes when you haven’t held a warm hand for a very long time. You keep telling yourself that it’ll be all right, you don’t need the fucks, but it’s true. I could feel everything then. I could feel the emotions of millions of people deep down in the dark part of me. It made my stomach turn. I could feel the coldness of shadows and the warmth of the sun on my face. The desire of the boy who wants to become a man. The sweat dripping from the farmers’ brow as he plucked ripe, delicious grapes off the vine and treated them with care. Transforming them into wine that would reach a cold hard glass bottle and finally my warm fine hand and be devoured deep down into my blood stream and taken to my brain and make my vision less blurry and more tolerable. I could sense. I could feel. I could be.
The sun was beginning to shine its first rays into the apartment. The floor was colder than a Minnesota winter; it also didn’t help that I was buck ass naked. Crawling to my brothers’ room to find some kind of solace, I vomited on the carpet (and myself) and passed out cold.
My headache has subsided, and I am nursing some coffee to get my system back on track. I feel as though this might have been a good experience for me. Believe you me; I have a new respect for our black winged friend. I don’t think I’ll be doing much hunting anytime soon. Although I do hear duck season is underway. Now where’d I leave those other two peyote buttons?

For the Night

i was hiking up a large hill, there was a tree to my left, and a long corridor made of glass, the floor was concrete, i found myself in a dining room of a cottage, with people in their mid 40's sitting around a table, i had a tuxedo on, and i also had hair, which was weird, considering i've been bald for about 5 years now, we all talked, but none of the words seem to come to mind right now, all of a sudden, we all became very hyper, and began jumping on the table, and chasing each other around, i squirmed and ran away, i yelled, "i'll find the kids!", i entered a room with a bunk bed, next to it was a chair, i sat down, a bunch of kids in their 20's were sitting around watching a television set, nothing was playing on the screen, but i could hear the sounds, they asked me what i wanted, i told them that their parents were going mad and the madness was coming into me, do they have any pills for a come down? they did, i swallowed a handful of small white pills, i sat down again, the walls and ceiling began to breath, they moved around organically, everything was coming to life, i could count the breaths the house was taking, my feet were sinking into the carpet, which had now become quick sand, i put my feet up on the chair, just like that i was back to reality, the lights dimmed in the room, and some girl told me that ants were attacking my hat, (i left my hat on the floor outside the room) i looked out the door and saw something move around my hat, i ran out and grabbed it, when i looked in the direction of the room with the people my age in it, i saw Christmas lights, and they were undressing each other, i saw 4 girls and 2 guys, and the girls all had on dark green lace bra's and no panties, one of the girls walked over to me and put her hands around my neck, she said, "come back when you find the right girl for the night." she turned away and shut the door, i walked around for a while, thinking about this, finally it came to me, she said the right girl for the night, not the right girl, so really there is no right girl for this night, it's a cop out, i don't want to start something this way, i don't want to just grab someone and forget myself, i need solidity, i walked outside onto the patio and sprawled out on the couch, i fell asleep looking at the stars, which is funny, because this is a dream, and i've never fallen asleep in a dream before, i woke up (in my dream) in my room, in my bed, only my room was turned upside down, i was still wearing my tuxedo and i was bald again, as i got out of bed and went through the door, i woke up in real time, i was in my bed for a while, debating whether or not i should right this, but then i remembered nobody reads this shit, so it'll be a good little personal record i can keep and look back on.

what a fucking dream huh? it's like a "Brave New World".