a Night of Infamy & Sin

San Francisco
Spring 2008

the weather was turning, a crisp breeze blew in and rustled the papers in my back seat as the ocean was preparing to consume the sun, i shifted and burned with anticipation, wiping sweaty palms on my olive shaded pants and trying to light a cigarette with the windows down. it was a fine night for trouble as i sped into the sleepy town of Fairfield, 50 miles north of San Francisco. i killed the engine as i floated down the street towards the last house on a dead end drive, i didn't want them to hear me coming.
i was shit out of luck, she was standing outside with her mother arguing. Molly was a fine girl, built soft and firm, wide brown eyes and a smile that could hook a guy walking down the street and get him to eat the dog shit from her heels. she knew i knew this, so she never played that card with me, it would only end with me foaming at the mouth, and her, well, she'd be okay, girls always land on their feet, i on the other hand had no qualms about walking out of her life at any moment and never looking back. that's just the way we had it and it was never truer than that breezy night in March.
I put my cigarette out and pulled over fast, i hit the pavement before the car even had a chance to roll to a stop, leaving the keys dangling in the ignition, i was the only one who knew how to get her started up, so no chance for theft. the drive up had left me tight and soar, my legs felt like divers weights were chained to them, walking like i had a turd halfway out of my ass, i made it across the lawn. the girls never stopped yelling at each other, neither did they acknowledge my presence after i posted up next to them.
Apparently Molly didn't inform her mother that i was on my way up, this caused a commotion because someone had to look after Molly's daughter.
"Ms. Alvinez?"
"What Jeremy" - she didn't even look at me, her gaze was stuck in Molly's eyes
"it's nice to see you"
"uh huh"
"i brought you something."
"not another one of your stupid books is it?"
"uh no. here"

i jammed the paper bag into her hand and she just looked at me with pure disgust. i had planned for this in advanced, the paper bag contained: a pack of menthols, a bottle of fine scotch (18 year) a pot of popuri (she had a thing for scents) and the latest Vanity magazine.
this went over well with her and i suggested we go inside and try some of the scotch. she pulled out a menthol and i was quick to light it for her. Molly just laughed at my ass kissing.
"Ms. Alvinez, do you think it would be possible if i took Molly out for a bit?"
she started thinking about it for a second and before she could complete her thought i sat down on the couch next to her and put my arm around her.
"i also neglected to mention how beautiful you look today, i really like this new hair style, it's a good color for you, brings out that fine color in your eyes."
"stopping kissing my ass Jeremy."
"oh Ms. Alvinez, since when did telling the truth pave the way for ass kissing? how bout i cook you a nice breakfast tomorrow, it is saturday after all, i wouldn't want you to leave for your bingo bin without some good food in you."
"will you make those waffles from last time?"
"bacon and apples?"
"ohhhh yes.. they were to die for"
"promise"
"don't forget to mix the ketchup with the syrup"
"you got it babe"
"jeremy"
"yes"
"take care of my daughter"
i mumbled "sure thing toots" as we both strolled out the door.

-2-

"how's the kid?"
"i haven't seen you in forever"
"how's the kid??"
"fine, you know, being a kid, pooping sleeping eating being cute"
"it's the first time i've seen you this year, i thought it only proper to wear my best dress shirt"
"it's straight out of the 70's, and it's polyester"
"well, practicality isn't exactly my calling"
"it's so ugly it's cute"
"uh... thank you?"
i drove along the 80 west straight for San Francisco, for the first time in a very long time i wasn't nervous. i met Molly a few years ago in Los Angeles one late night at a bar in Highland Park.. she was sitting there alone, wallowing in her misery, her boyfriend at the time used to like to get hammered and come home to beat her/ force sex on her. she was a fine woman who had been beaten down by a dirty disgusting bastard and i hated his guts, but they did produce one beautiful baby. the kid came from one of those haggard nights of his, he came home and thought it right to stumble into their small, cramped space and take what he thought was his, he practically raped the poor girl and she ended up with a black eye and a baby floating around in her stomach. it took much strength on her part to find her way out of there and end up back at home in Fairfield with her mom. i didn't even try for a kiss or any kind of contact that night, i listened to her story, consoled her, sympathized with her, and let her know that i wasn't at all looking for a one night stand. we were just two people who didn't feel so good about each other and just wanted a little bit of kindness injected into our lives. i laid with her that night in my bed, she shivered a bit when i put my arms around her, almost panicking.
"You're a sweet girl Molly, and i don't want more from you that what you can give, i'll hold you until you go to sleep and you can feel safe here"
several times, as she was falling into sleep, she trembled and shot awake like a bull, thrashing back and forth, each time i rubbed her head and eased her back into sedation, eventually i woke up and the bed was empty. i felt bad. real bad. here i was, trying to do something right for someone who had a tough time and she just took off, but i could understand it, there was alot going on, and i had no right trying to make things correct, i was just a place filler.
i woke up and showered/dressed for work, i lit up a cigarette and moseyed on towards the door, her phone number was taped to it. i called her a week later to check in and she had moved up north with her mom.
i thought about all this as we crossed the bridge into San Francisco, she pulled a flask out of her purse and we both took a long slug. she lit up two cigarettes and handed me one, this is exactly why i cared about her, in my 20 odd years of being, nobody had ever taken the heart to light my cigarette while i was driving, a good woman i tell you, a damn good woman... Heart of gold in this one...
After some half assed directions on her part we ended up at a slugged dive bar in the Mission district. i pulled up to the curb and reached over to open her door for her. When she stepped out onto the curb, all the drunks standing in front smoking took a long look at her and i could feel her panic a bit. i strolled up and took her arm.
"this way my lady, a night of madness awaits us"
she just smiled and called me "silly"
Strolling into the bar with our heads held high we spotted a single chair and i motioned for her to take it, i squeezed in between her and a big bastard who had on a SF sweater and a baseball cap turned backwards.
"hey boss, you mind if i sit next to my special lady friend?"
This mother fucker was huge, and could probably squash me at my meager 5'6", but i stood my ground and stared right into his eyes, i was ready..
"no, go for it"
He moved aside and i slid on in. We opened up with a shot of jack and a beer chaser. Catching up on old times was fun and i felt somewhat nostalgic, i brought up the first night we met and she mentioned how in her eyes, i looked like just another drunk prick sitting at a bar fishing for pussy. i laughed a little, because it was somewhat true, i was sitting at that bar on that cold night in Los Angeles looking for a girl with a nice ass to rub up against in the winter time, but once i heard her story, i thought it better to give a piece of me to her and let her know that our race of men wasn't as bad as that shit bag she called a boyfriend.. i felt like it was only the right thing to do, the human thing to do. it grew from there, the petrie dish had the bacteria in it, we just spawned it..
we kept hitting beer and shot after beer and shot, until the bartender, who was a sexy young thing, built like a goddess of sex, everything in proportion, she made Molly look like a used hag, with short blond hair and sparking blue eyes thought it her responsibility to cut us off..
"you're cutting us off?"
"no, i just think you guys should take a break, have some water"
"bring us two beers"
the blond just smiled at us and i starred into her dead blue eyes.
"listen Bambi, we want the finest beer available to humanity, we want it here, and we want it now!" i slammed my palm on the counter and the people around us looked at me like i was a leper, even the SF sweatshirt douche nozzle was starring at us.
"don't be rude"
"how am i being rude?"
i played this game before, she had this false power, granted because she was on that side of the counter and i was on this side, and all the stupid drunks in this place ogled her until her self empowerment met that high water mark that justified all of her pretentious, self righteous, self serving bullshit. i hated people like her so much it boiled the blood in my veins.
"relax Jeremy.." Molly grabbed my arm
"no, fuck that, money's money honey and i got the same as everyone else in this bar, i know i'm being a dick, but goddamnit i didn't drive this far to have some doe eyed broad tell me how far i can go"
the bouncer walked over and grabbed the back of my shirt, i reached back and punched him the throat. mayhem broke loose and the next thing i knew, i was being dragged on the floor across the bar and thrown into the street, i could feel my heart beating through my face and i'm pretty sure he got some shots in as i was laying on the ground helpless.. Molly ran out with my coat over her arm..
"OK! WE'RE LEAVING! FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!"
"listen fuck stick, i ever see you in here again, i'll make sure you regret it!"
i looked up at him and spit blood into his face
he punched me again and i just kept laughing as hard as i could. suddenly i started barking at him and he stopped.
"you're off your fucking rocker man"
"awww... why'd you stop? i was just beginning to enjoy this, can i have another please?"
he let go of my shirt and i just laid on the ground for a bit, watching his converse march back into the bar and disappear behind the heavy wood door.
Molly walked over and kneeled down next to me.
"You're a crazy asshole you know that?"
"i'm sorry i ruined our night"
"you didn't ruin it"
"no???"
"uh uhhhhh....."
i looked up at her and halfway felt like i wanted to barf right into her face. just then she pulled a bottle of Evan Williams out from under my coat and poured it into my mouth.
"atta girl!"
i jumped up like Popeye after eating his spinach and threw my arms around her.
"why are you so fucking cool woman!"
she smiled like i'd never seen before and buried her little brown haired head into my chest.
"fuck it, lets go get a taco"


-3-

And on we went, over the hills and down the slops of San Francisco searching for a decent place to get some al pastor. the radio was blaring Against Me! and i sang until my throat went hoarse, she joined in a bit, but i could tell it made her feel out of place, so i didn't pin her on it...
At this point, be it from the alcohol, the loss of blood through my nose, or my bad judgement, i was beginning to brew some real feelings for Molly. She was considerate, kind, warm, and an all around good woman. the kid i could deal with, and she had a little pain in her life, i wanted to be next to her and let her know that everything would be okay. i was scheming in my head and making a plan of action.
We finally found a decent enough looking place and we stumbled out of the car both laughing like hyenas on PCP... This truck had a nice selection of salsa/limes/radishes and i put together a small baggie with radish/salt/limes in it. as we stood there consuming our tacos i made my move. it only felt right.
"molly, i know you've been through a lot, but i can honestly say, you're the first person, in a very long time, that i fee totally comfortable with, i don't like many people, but you i like."
she stopped mid bite and looked up at me.
"i understand your situation, you don't want anything serious, and that's what we agreed on when we started hanging out, but this has become so much more, a girl doesn't drive down 400 miles to see a man she doesn't care about, and show up dressed in lingerie ready to get down to serious business... you did that because you really felt for me, and it was one of the greatest nights i ever spent with you... it was defiantly a turing point for me, so heres my plan: i can move up here, grab a job at a decent restaurant and make some cash. I'm not asking you to be my girl, or to move in with me, or to even dedicate yourself to me.... I'm not asking anything of you really except a little more time, i want to see more of you, spend more time with you, just kind of get to know you a little more, and maybe, in a while, sometime in the long distance from now, we can develop something.. but for right now.. i want to be able to do more of this with you.."
i didn't want to come off as asking for too much, i wanted to remain reliable yet self sufficient and not draw her into anything she didn't feel ready for. i knew her place, i knew her feelings and her inner most wants, and i was the best thing for her in a time like this, a bit of comfort in a world of uncomfortableness... no expectations, i only wanted to progress a bit, and her level of emotions towards me was somewhat strong, that i could tell.
she stood silent for a long time, starring down at her tacos and didn't say much. i waited for her to draw the thoughts together and come out with some kind of tangible thought.
"i can't do that"
"explain"
"i told you when we first started hanging out that i didn't want anything serious"
"i know, and i half expected us to just fool around a bit, but i've drawn a connection to you, and you've been an anchor in my life Molly, i'd just like to spend more time with you and we can figure this out as we go along."
she kept giving me excuses until i lost my appetite, i starred down at my left over tacos and rolled them up in the aluminum foil and walked to my car. she followed along and we drove back to Fairfield in silence. i felt like i crossed that threshold, i asked for too much at one time, but then again, i wasn't asking her to marry me or make any type of commitment, i was only searching for something a little more solid, i had a lot to give to her, and i wanted her eventually to be ready for it, i knew now wasn't the time, but i couldn't very well let her slip out of my hands at such a fragile moment, somethings you must hold on to as tight as you very well can.
i pulled up in front of her house and shut the engine off. she starred at me for a second and i leaned over to kiss her.
she pulled away.
"what's wrong?"
"i'm hesitant"
"why?"
"can we just be friends?"
my soul crushed.
"why would you say that?"
"i'm not ready for what you're asking"
"dude, i'm not asking you to dedicate your life to me, lets just hang out a little more and see where this goes."
"i can't"
"why?"
she sat there. silent. still. i couldn't figure this out...
finally she came up with an answer.
"Dan and i are going to try and work things out."
"are you fucking serious? Dan?? the guy who abused you?"
"he's not so bad"
"no fuck that! that guy is shit, he beats you, treats you soooo bad and you're going to choose him over me?"
"it's not like that"
"no, fuck that, that's exactly like it is"
"i like you Jeremy, but i think we'd make better friends"
"you want a friend Molly? Get a fucking dog.. you're feeling lonely??? get a fucking cat.. it's so much bullshit, you want me to be around, to make you feel better, but you're not willing to give anything over.. you just want me to make you feel like your life isn't the shit that it is..."
"don't be an asshole"
"I'm not being an asshole, i'm telling you the fucking truth, and you know what, none of these other guys will ever tell you how it really is.. because all they want to do is get you naked and have their way, so they will agree with everything you've got to say,at least i got enough integrity to tell you the truth, these other dudes will just use you and move on."
"Dan's just going through a hard time"
"people don't change, they remain the same, and if they treated you like shit then, you better bet on god's holy goddamn bullshit cross that they'll treat you the same now..."
anger filled inside of me
"you know what, fuck that, get out of my car.. and don't ever call me again.. the moment he raises a hand at you call 911 and not me, i'm done trying to save your ass..."
she didn't move, and i could tell thoughts were trying to run through her head but she wouldn't let them.
"GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN CAR!"
she dropped out of my car and i put a cigarette in my mouth as i drove the 400 miles back towards Los Angeles, angry the whole way.. how could someone turn down a good thing for such pain? such anguish? be it the way of the beast... the tides pulled us out to sea and if we weren't strong enough to fully push forward, than we're not better than those mangled pieces of flesh pulled apart by sharks with razor sharp teeth gnawing on our skulls for breakfast, lunch and dinner and everything in between... i couldn't even understand her thought process.. the man she has is shit, and here i am, trying my best to be the good guy, be the right guy, and i don't pick many people to be in my life very often, but i picked her, i was doing her a favor, saving her from all those bad nights, those drunken sweaty nights, those dirty intruding nights, and yet she couldn't give me just a little more time!?? goddamn time is all i asked, nothing serious... i couldn't believe it.. maybe i was losing my shit.
you know where Molly is now?
i got a call from her this week. she is sad, bored, unhappy and distraught.. Dan repeated his behavior and she's got a second kid coming...
"i can't help you kid"
she started crying
i leaned over
took a swig off the bottle
and hung up the phone
she didn't bother to call back.