San Francisco
Spring 2008
the weather was turning, a crisp breeze blew in and rustled the papers in my back seat as the ocean was preparing to consume the sun, i shifted and burned with anticipation, wiping sweaty palms on my olive shaded pants and trying to light a cigarette with the windows down. it was a fine night for trouble as i sped into the sleepy town of Fairfield, 50 miles north of San Francisco. i killed the engine as i floated down the street towards the last house on a dead end drive, i didn't want them to hear me coming.
i was shit out of luck, she was standing outside with her mother arguing. Molly was a fine girl, built soft and firm, wide brown eyes and a smile that could hook a guy walking down the street and get him to eat the dog shit from her heels. she knew i knew this, so she never played that card with me, it would only end with me foaming at the mouth, and her, well, she'd be okay, girls always land on their feet, i on the other hand had no qualms about walking out of her life at any moment and never looking back. that's just the way we had it and it was never truer than that breezy night in March.
I put my cigarette out and pulled over fast, i hit the pavement before the car even had a chance to roll to a stop, leaving the keys dangling in the ignition, i was the only one who knew how to get her started up, so no chance for theft. the drive up had left me tight and soar, my legs felt like divers weights were chained to them, walking like i had a turd halfway out of my ass, i made it across the lawn. the girls never stopped yelling at each other, neither did they acknowledge my presence after i posted up next to them.
Apparently Molly didn't inform her mother that i was on my way up, this caused a commotion because someone had to look after Molly's daughter.
"Ms. Alvinez?"
"What Jeremy" - she didn't even look at me, her gaze was stuck in Molly's eyes
"it's nice to see you"
"uh huh"
"i brought you something."
"not another one of your stupid books is it?"
"uh no. here"
i jammed the paper bag into her hand and she just looked at me with pure disgust. i had planned for this in advanced, the paper bag contained: a pack of menthols, a bottle of fine scotch (18 year) a pot of popuri (she had a thing for scents) and the latest Vanity magazine.
this went over well with her and i suggested we go inside and try some of the scotch. she pulled out a menthol and i was quick to light it for her. Molly just laughed at my ass kissing.
"Ms. Alvinez, do you think it would be possible if i took Molly out for a bit?"
she started thinking about it for a second and before she could complete her thought i sat down on the couch next to her and put my arm around her.
"i also neglected to mention how beautiful you look today, i really like this new hair style, it's a good color for you, brings out that fine color in your eyes."
"stopping kissing my ass Jeremy."
"oh Ms. Alvinez, since when did telling the truth pave the way for ass kissing? how bout i cook you a nice breakfast tomorrow, it is saturday after all, i wouldn't want you to leave for your bingo bin without some good food in you."
"will you make those waffles from last time?"
"bacon and apples?"
"ohhhh yes.. they were to die for"
"promise"
"don't forget to mix the ketchup with the syrup"
"you got it babe"
"jeremy"
"yes"
"take care of my daughter"
i mumbled "sure thing toots" as we both strolled out the door.
-2-
"how's the kid?"
"i haven't seen you in forever"
"how's the kid??"
"fine, you know, being a kid, pooping sleeping eating being cute"
"it's the first time i've seen you this year, i thought it only proper to wear my best dress shirt"
"it's straight out of the 70's, and it's polyester"
"well, practicality isn't exactly my calling"
"it's so ugly it's cute"
"uh... thank you?"
i drove along the 80 west straight for San Francisco, for the first time in a very long time i wasn't nervous. i met Molly a few years ago in Los Angeles one late night at a bar in Highland Park.. she was sitting there alone, wallowing in her misery, her boyfriend at the time used to like to get hammered and come home to beat her/ force sex on her. she was a fine woman who had been beaten down by a dirty disgusting bastard and i hated his guts, but they did produce one beautiful baby. the kid came from one of those haggard nights of his, he came home and thought it right to stumble into their small, cramped space and take what he thought was his, he practically raped the poor girl and she ended up with a black eye and a baby floating around in her stomach. it took much strength on her part to find her way out of there and end up back at home in Fairfield with her mom. i didn't even try for a kiss or any kind of contact that night, i listened to her story, consoled her, sympathized with her, and let her know that i wasn't at all looking for a one night stand. we were just two people who didn't feel so good about each other and just wanted a little bit of kindness injected into our lives. i laid with her that night in my bed, she shivered a bit when i put my arms around her, almost panicking.
"You're a sweet girl Molly, and i don't want more from you that what you can give, i'll hold you until you go to sleep and you can feel safe here"
several times, as she was falling into sleep, she trembled and shot awake like a bull, thrashing back and forth, each time i rubbed her head and eased her back into sedation, eventually i woke up and the bed was empty. i felt bad. real bad. here i was, trying to do something right for someone who had a tough time and she just took off, but i could understand it, there was alot going on, and i had no right trying to make things correct, i was just a place filler.
i woke up and showered/dressed for work, i lit up a cigarette and moseyed on towards the door, her phone number was taped to it. i called her a week later to check in and she had moved up north with her mom.
i thought about all this as we crossed the bridge into San Francisco, she pulled a flask out of her purse and we both took a long slug. she lit up two cigarettes and handed me one, this is exactly why i cared about her, in my 20 odd years of being, nobody had ever taken the heart to light my cigarette while i was driving, a good woman i tell you, a damn good woman... Heart of gold in this one...
After some half assed directions on her part we ended up at a slugged dive bar in the Mission district. i pulled up to the curb and reached over to open her door for her. When she stepped out onto the curb, all the drunks standing in front smoking took a long look at her and i could feel her panic a bit. i strolled up and took her arm.
"this way my lady, a night of madness awaits us"
she just smiled and called me "silly"
Strolling into the bar with our heads held high we spotted a single chair and i motioned for her to take it, i squeezed in between her and a big bastard who had on a SF sweater and a baseball cap turned backwards.
"hey boss, you mind if i sit next to my special lady friend?"
This mother fucker was huge, and could probably squash me at my meager 5'6", but i stood my ground and stared right into his eyes, i was ready..
"no, go for it"
He moved aside and i slid on in. We opened up with a shot of jack and a beer chaser. Catching up on old times was fun and i felt somewhat nostalgic, i brought up the first night we met and she mentioned how in her eyes, i looked like just another drunk prick sitting at a bar fishing for pussy. i laughed a little, because it was somewhat true, i was sitting at that bar on that cold night in Los Angeles looking for a girl with a nice ass to rub up against in the winter time, but once i heard her story, i thought it better to give a piece of me to her and let her know that our race of men wasn't as bad as that shit bag she called a boyfriend.. i felt like it was only the right thing to do, the human thing to do. it grew from there, the petrie dish had the bacteria in it, we just spawned it..
we kept hitting beer and shot after beer and shot, until the bartender, who was a sexy young thing, built like a goddess of sex, everything in proportion, she made Molly look like a used hag, with short blond hair and sparking blue eyes thought it her responsibility to cut us off..
"you're cutting us off?"
"no, i just think you guys should take a break, have some water"
"bring us two beers"
the blond just smiled at us and i starred into her dead blue eyes.
"listen Bambi, we want the finest beer available to humanity, we want it here, and we want it now!" i slammed my palm on the counter and the people around us looked at me like i was a leper, even the SF sweatshirt douche nozzle was starring at us.
"don't be rude"
"how am i being rude?"
i played this game before, she had this false power, granted because she was on that side of the counter and i was on this side, and all the stupid drunks in this place ogled her until her self empowerment met that high water mark that justified all of her pretentious, self righteous, self serving bullshit. i hated people like her so much it boiled the blood in my veins.
"relax Jeremy.." Molly grabbed my arm
"no, fuck that, money's money honey and i got the same as everyone else in this bar, i know i'm being a dick, but goddamnit i didn't drive this far to have some doe eyed broad tell me how far i can go"
the bouncer walked over and grabbed the back of my shirt, i reached back and punched him the throat. mayhem broke loose and the next thing i knew, i was being dragged on the floor across the bar and thrown into the street, i could feel my heart beating through my face and i'm pretty sure he got some shots in as i was laying on the ground helpless.. Molly ran out with my coat over her arm..
"OK! WE'RE LEAVING! FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!"
"listen fuck stick, i ever see you in here again, i'll make sure you regret it!"
i looked up at him and spit blood into his face
he punched me again and i just kept laughing as hard as i could. suddenly i started barking at him and he stopped.
"you're off your fucking rocker man"
"awww... why'd you stop? i was just beginning to enjoy this, can i have another please?"
he let go of my shirt and i just laid on the ground for a bit, watching his converse march back into the bar and disappear behind the heavy wood door.
Molly walked over and kneeled down next to me.
"You're a crazy asshole you know that?"
"i'm sorry i ruined our night"
"you didn't ruin it"
"no???"
"uh uhhhhh....."
i looked up at her and halfway felt like i wanted to barf right into her face. just then she pulled a bottle of Evan Williams out from under my coat and poured it into my mouth.
"atta girl!"
i jumped up like Popeye after eating his spinach and threw my arms around her.
"why are you so fucking cool woman!"
she smiled like i'd never seen before and buried her little brown haired head into my chest.
"fuck it, lets go get a taco"
-3-
And on we went, over the hills and down the slops of San Francisco searching for a decent place to get some al pastor. the radio was blaring Against Me! and i sang until my throat went hoarse, she joined in a bit, but i could tell it made her feel out of place, so i didn't pin her on it...
At this point, be it from the alcohol, the loss of blood through my nose, or my bad judgement, i was beginning to brew some real feelings for Molly. She was considerate, kind, warm, and an all around good woman. the kid i could deal with, and she had a little pain in her life, i wanted to be next to her and let her know that everything would be okay. i was scheming in my head and making a plan of action.
We finally found a decent enough looking place and we stumbled out of the car both laughing like hyenas on PCP... This truck had a nice selection of salsa/limes/radishes and i put together a small baggie with radish/salt/limes in it. as we stood there consuming our tacos i made my move. it only felt right.
"molly, i know you've been through a lot, but i can honestly say, you're the first person, in a very long time, that i fee totally comfortable with, i don't like many people, but you i like."
she stopped mid bite and looked up at me.
"i understand your situation, you don't want anything serious, and that's what we agreed on when we started hanging out, but this has become so much more, a girl doesn't drive down 400 miles to see a man she doesn't care about, and show up dressed in lingerie ready to get down to serious business... you did that because you really felt for me, and it was one of the greatest nights i ever spent with you... it was defiantly a turing point for me, so heres my plan: i can move up here, grab a job at a decent restaurant and make some cash. I'm not asking you to be my girl, or to move in with me, or to even dedicate yourself to me.... I'm not asking anything of you really except a little more time, i want to see more of you, spend more time with you, just kind of get to know you a little more, and maybe, in a while, sometime in the long distance from now, we can develop something.. but for right now.. i want to be able to do more of this with you.."
i didn't want to come off as asking for too much, i wanted to remain reliable yet self sufficient and not draw her into anything she didn't feel ready for. i knew her place, i knew her feelings and her inner most wants, and i was the best thing for her in a time like this, a bit of comfort in a world of uncomfortableness... no expectations, i only wanted to progress a bit, and her level of emotions towards me was somewhat strong, that i could tell.
she stood silent for a long time, starring down at her tacos and didn't say much. i waited for her to draw the thoughts together and come out with some kind of tangible thought.
"i can't do that"
"explain"
"i told you when we first started hanging out that i didn't want anything serious"
"i know, and i half expected us to just fool around a bit, but i've drawn a connection to you, and you've been an anchor in my life Molly, i'd just like to spend more time with you and we can figure this out as we go along."
she kept giving me excuses until i lost my appetite, i starred down at my left over tacos and rolled them up in the aluminum foil and walked to my car. she followed along and we drove back to Fairfield in silence. i felt like i crossed that threshold, i asked for too much at one time, but then again, i wasn't asking her to marry me or make any type of commitment, i was only searching for something a little more solid, i had a lot to give to her, and i wanted her eventually to be ready for it, i knew now wasn't the time, but i couldn't very well let her slip out of my hands at such a fragile moment, somethings you must hold on to as tight as you very well can.
i pulled up in front of her house and shut the engine off. she starred at me for a second and i leaned over to kiss her.
she pulled away.
"what's wrong?"
"i'm hesitant"
"why?"
"can we just be friends?"
my soul crushed.
"why would you say that?"
"i'm not ready for what you're asking"
"dude, i'm not asking you to dedicate your life to me, lets just hang out a little more and see where this goes."
"i can't"
"why?"
she sat there. silent. still. i couldn't figure this out...
finally she came up with an answer.
"Dan and i are going to try and work things out."
"are you fucking serious? Dan?? the guy who abused you?"
"he's not so bad"
"no fuck that! that guy is shit, he beats you, treats you soooo bad and you're going to choose him over me?"
"it's not like that"
"no, fuck that, that's exactly like it is"
"i like you Jeremy, but i think we'd make better friends"
"you want a friend Molly? Get a fucking dog.. you're feeling lonely??? get a fucking cat.. it's so much bullshit, you want me to be around, to make you feel better, but you're not willing to give anything over.. you just want me to make you feel like your life isn't the shit that it is..."
"don't be an asshole"
"I'm not being an asshole, i'm telling you the fucking truth, and you know what, none of these other guys will ever tell you how it really is.. because all they want to do is get you naked and have their way, so they will agree with everything you've got to say,at least i got enough integrity to tell you the truth, these other dudes will just use you and move on."
"Dan's just going through a hard time"
"people don't change, they remain the same, and if they treated you like shit then, you better bet on god's holy goddamn bullshit cross that they'll treat you the same now..."
anger filled inside of me
"you know what, fuck that, get out of my car.. and don't ever call me again.. the moment he raises a hand at you call 911 and not me, i'm done trying to save your ass..."
she didn't move, and i could tell thoughts were trying to run through her head but she wouldn't let them.
"GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN CAR!"
she dropped out of my car and i put a cigarette in my mouth as i drove the 400 miles back towards Los Angeles, angry the whole way.. how could someone turn down a good thing for such pain? such anguish? be it the way of the beast... the tides pulled us out to sea and if we weren't strong enough to fully push forward, than we're not better than those mangled pieces of flesh pulled apart by sharks with razor sharp teeth gnawing on our skulls for breakfast, lunch and dinner and everything in between... i couldn't even understand her thought process.. the man she has is shit, and here i am, trying my best to be the good guy, be the right guy, and i don't pick many people to be in my life very often, but i picked her, i was doing her a favor, saving her from all those bad nights, those drunken sweaty nights, those dirty intruding nights, and yet she couldn't give me just a little more time!?? goddamn time is all i asked, nothing serious... i couldn't believe it.. maybe i was losing my shit.
you know where Molly is now?
i got a call from her this week. she is sad, bored, unhappy and distraught.. Dan repeated his behavior and she's got a second kid coming...
"i can't help you kid"
she started crying
i leaned over
took a swig off the bottle
and hung up the phone
she didn't bother to call back.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Books & Booze
pile
upon pile
upon pile
of precious materials
stacked high
against the wall
leaning to this side and that
neither here nor there
but sitting still
waiting for their pages to be digested
turned
and devoured
a cheap bottle of whiskey
and two beers
four walls a door and a window
all perfectly inline
90 degree angles will rule the day!
far away
a siren
wailing
after a drunk
swerving in and out of traffic
headed the wrong way
on the highway
alone
in the room with books
and a cheap bottle of whiskey
ingesting the pages
until my arms go limp
and fall upon my chest
book covers spread
like a woman's legs
over my chest
waiting
for me to wake up
and pick it up again
and keep going
until the end
drawing feelings
from these inanimate objects
disliking people more and more
and falling deeper in love
with books & booze
knowing that i can't hide in here forever
having to step out
into the sunlight
from this darkened corner
i forget how to interact with people
and am drawn
to loners
drunks
and crooks
who will never be anything more
than what they are now
i fight with the blank page
every night
i come home and fight with the poem
the short story
and it's always a battle
to get great words
inline
and in check
it's a battle worth fighting for
something tangible
obligatory
and meek at times
but a constant rumble
tumbling out of the tips of my fingers
my brain tissue
my being.
upon pile
upon pile
of precious materials
stacked high
against the wall
leaning to this side and that
neither here nor there
but sitting still
waiting for their pages to be digested
turned
and devoured
a cheap bottle of whiskey
and two beers
four walls a door and a window
all perfectly inline
90 degree angles will rule the day!
far away
a siren
wailing
after a drunk
swerving in and out of traffic
headed the wrong way
on the highway
alone
in the room with books
and a cheap bottle of whiskey
ingesting the pages
until my arms go limp
and fall upon my chest
book covers spread
like a woman's legs
over my chest
waiting
for me to wake up
and pick it up again
and keep going
until the end
drawing feelings
from these inanimate objects
disliking people more and more
and falling deeper in love
with books & booze
knowing that i can't hide in here forever
having to step out
into the sunlight
from this darkened corner
i forget how to interact with people
and am drawn
to loners
drunks
and crooks
who will never be anything more
than what they are now
i fight with the blank page
every night
i come home and fight with the poem
the short story
and it's always a battle
to get great words
inline
and in check
it's a battle worth fighting for
something tangible
obligatory
and meek at times
but a constant rumble
tumbling out of the tips of my fingers
my brain tissue
my being.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Mistaken for an Opium Addict
a slug
crawling along the ruler of life
trying to measure his progress
and when looking back,
only acknowledges
his displacement
a slug
looking forth
along the ruler of life
and in front
is trail
upon trail
of salt
little crystals put down
plotting his little slug demise
"fuck me!"
our mucus covered friend cries
but alas
he cannot go back
but trek forth into fates salty grips
with each step
he forces his insides out
to fend off the dehydration
of his soul
"fuck!"
he cries again
but once coming this far
he cannot go back
or forth
he sits
and allows his insides
to leak into the air
and evaporate
"at least i slugged a good slug"
yes
dear slug
and no one is going to come pick you up
or save you from your choices
so now
my dear slug
you're fucked
crawling along the ruler of life
trying to measure his progress
and when looking back,
only acknowledges
his displacement
a slug
looking forth
along the ruler of life
and in front
is trail
upon trail
of salt
little crystals put down
plotting his little slug demise
"fuck me!"
our mucus covered friend cries
but alas
he cannot go back
but trek forth into fates salty grips
with each step
he forces his insides out
to fend off the dehydration
of his soul
"fuck!"
he cries again
but once coming this far
he cannot go back
or forth
he sits
and allows his insides
to leak into the air
and evaporate
"at least i slugged a good slug"
yes
dear slug
and no one is going to come pick you up
or save you from your choices
so now
my dear slug
you're fucked
The Guys with Muscles
i get how a girl
can dig a guy with muscles
maybe an accent
it's just like how a guy
can dig a girl
with breast
that i want to immerse myself in
but at the end of it
you don't want to save the world
but have some dirty
raunchy sex
that will make you feel
desirable
but you know
inside you know
at the end of it
you'll feel empty
and it'll regress
you back
so far back
that you'll feel guilty
i believe in quality of sex
someone who will surprise me
with deviancy
if you don't know
that word
then you're not
a pervert like me
be naughty
but truly naughty
not naughty
just to be
naughty
in the literal sense of that word
can dig a guy with muscles
maybe an accent
it's just like how a guy
can dig a girl
with breast
that i want to immerse myself in
but at the end of it
you don't want to save the world
but have some dirty
raunchy sex
that will make you feel
desirable
but you know
inside you know
at the end of it
you'll feel empty
and it'll regress
you back
so far back
that you'll feel guilty
i believe in quality of sex
someone who will surprise me
with deviancy
if you don't know
that word
then you're not
a pervert like me
be naughty
but truly naughty
not naughty
just to be
naughty
in the literal sense of that word
It's Easy Being You
oh,
oh no,
it's so easy being you,
if i had a smile
a displacement
like
you
do,
if i had so much joy
so much lack of pain
i'd be happy
like happy with the grain
but i don't want joy
or superficial being
i strive for heart ache
lack of resentment
and ultimate
ultimate
happiness
you wouldn't understand my struggle
at the end of all of the
fake
false
untrue
hallow
beings
a long
alone
struggle ahead
on my own
with no reason
no real purpose
i will reach ultimate
happiness
the girl will be the best
the sex will be unforgiving
the small things will be exposed
and the nights will become radiation
goddamn radiation
that no one can touch
they will burn like bombs
it will flame with fire!
you hear me!
i know you hear me!
the woman who steps into my life
will fade all of you halvers
all of you losers
will burn!
and wish you had brains
like my broad
she will be mine
always mine
and i'll grow old
grey
full of all kinds of hate
and somehow
she'll brake through
and make me laugh
at myself
for being indulged
judgmental
and
cool.
i'll take care of the kids
and write
dark
deep
into the devastating night
she will say
"you are full of shit!"
and i will say,
"hot damn woman, you might be right"
it will be playful
and full
of
that word
that word that all of you
in your twenties
are scared
of.
that word
called
acceptance
that word called love
do you know it?
now no...
but i have it
in me
right now
all i need
is that girl to fill the spot
i expect so much from people
but only because it is true
in the spirit of the word
honestly
communication
fuck
actually
just be nice
nice is all i ask
kindness
is that really hard???
it is
right now
our generation is full of so much shit
so much hate
if a girl
would smile
be somewhat smart
and somewhat happy
with being herself
that would make choosing
the one
to be rightful
to bear my children
correct
there's so much
in this chest
that half of you
don't understand.
i
really
wish
you
saw
it.
oh no,
it's so easy being you,
if i had a smile
a displacement
like
you
do,
if i had so much joy
so much lack of pain
i'd be happy
like happy with the grain
but i don't want joy
or superficial being
i strive for heart ache
lack of resentment
and ultimate
ultimate
happiness
you wouldn't understand my struggle
at the end of all of the
fake
false
untrue
hallow
beings
a long
alone
struggle ahead
on my own
with no reason
no real purpose
i will reach ultimate
happiness
the girl will be the best
the sex will be unforgiving
the small things will be exposed
and the nights will become radiation
goddamn radiation
that no one can touch
they will burn like bombs
it will flame with fire!
you hear me!
i know you hear me!
the woman who steps into my life
will fade all of you halvers
all of you losers
will burn!
and wish you had brains
like my broad
she will be mine
always mine
and i'll grow old
grey
full of all kinds of hate
and somehow
she'll brake through
and make me laugh
at myself
for being indulged
judgmental
and
cool.
i'll take care of the kids
and write
dark
deep
into the devastating night
she will say
"you are full of shit!"
and i will say,
"hot damn woman, you might be right"
it will be playful
and full
of
that word
that word that all of you
in your twenties
are scared
of.
that word
called
acceptance
that word called love
do you know it?
now no...
but i have it
in me
right now
all i need
is that girl to fill the spot
i expect so much from people
but only because it is true
in the spirit of the word
honestly
communication
fuck
actually
just be nice
nice is all i ask
kindness
is that really hard???
it is
right now
our generation is full of so much shit
so much hate
if a girl
would smile
be somewhat smart
and somewhat happy
with being herself
that would make choosing
the one
to be rightful
to bear my children
correct
there's so much
in this chest
that half of you
don't understand.
i
really
wish
you
saw
it.
if "Only you Were Smart"
too many times gone through the motions
driven there
seen that
been apart of the catastrophe
it's not surprising
deviants decay
nihilist do that
hopeless worry
and the rest is taken care of
the ones who have a chance
are stuck in between
now
and
there
hoping
and putting their faith
in false
dead
eyeless beings
oh weep for the past
oh weep for the future
those who land on their feet
are those who don't fight
someone wants something from you
all i want
from you
is kindness
consideration
take my hat
offer me coffee
or a drink
unlock my door
for me
just a smile
a genuine
greeting
not so much to ask
from
a decent
human being...
driven there
seen that
been apart of the catastrophe
it's not surprising
deviants decay
nihilist do that
hopeless worry
and the rest is taken care of
the ones who have a chance
are stuck in between
now
and
there
hoping
and putting their faith
in false
dead
eyeless beings
oh weep for the past
oh weep for the future
those who land on their feet
are those who don't fight
someone wants something from you
all i want
from you
is kindness
consideration
take my hat
offer me coffee
or a drink
unlock my door
for me
just a smile
a genuine
greeting
not so much to ask
from
a decent
human being...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Take a Trip to San Clemente
i sat there starring at my beer, wondering what would come next. suddenly the phone vibrated and i starred down to it through soaked eyes. it was a friend, who had just gotten divorced, wondering where i was and what i was doing. taking the plan of action, i accepted the invitation and put on my favorite playlist as i sped out of los angeles at a speed uncomfortable for me, but the adrenaline was kicking in and with each dip in the freeway i felt my foot pressure increase on the pedal, accelerating to what my battered car would stand, luckily to ease me, i had 3 beers rattling around in the passenger seat, i stayed close to the rail, following cars headed a little faster, so the bastards in blue could pull them over before me, it was clear road for several miles as freeway lamps turned into darkness.
an hour later i was in San Clemente halfway between a good buzz and an evening bender. i pulled up to the address and discovered my fair maiden lived in a trailer park, i was not disappointed, but somewhat excited. our embrace was a warm one. for someone who i haven't seen in so many years i felt the blood rush through me and alive again, as if time had frozen when we last drew our arms around eachother and nothing had changed, although we were both different people now and we knew it.
she had been someone of importance to me in the past, i was never comfortable around women, but this one made me drop my guard a bit and i felt my true goofy laughter and being would be something of a pawn in our game of discovery. i could tell she loathed like i did, felt like me at times, and was realistic yet rational in the age of instant gratification.
she knew her place.
the trailer was the mansion of all trailers, although i had never spent time in a place like this, i easily felt at home. the car ride to the bar was a funny one. like putting two people engulfed with emotions in the same room and yet, they have so much to say, but don't want to reveal too much at one time. mystery is half the excitement.
heavy drinking on my part ensued, and the next thing i knew we were playing pool against eachother. somehow i kept winning each game, and my theory of longevity was proven correct. the game doesn't depend on how good you are at playing, but what kind of strategy you have. people now are so easily distracted that if one is able to hang on for long enough, the opponent will cancel himself out or beat you, and if they beat you, that's a person worthy of a hearty handshake for they stuck it through no matter how much was thrown at them on your part. it's a gratifying way of doing things, because at the end, there is no loser, but two people who fought for the same right and felt that the other was a worthy adversary.
as we stood outside of the bar after closing, a guy drew up on our circle and made his way towards me.
"you got a good woman there"
"she's not mine"
"you could tell she loves you"
--- i was somewhat paranoid because i didn't want her hearing any of this zany off the wall shit coming from this guy, he was drunk, i was drunk, and i was trying my best to get him to shut his mouth so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"i know man, but the timing ain't right"
"no, you have to do it now, you've got a good woman there"
-----and on and on like this, he'd make very strong comments that were brewing in my brain for so many years, but i knew that striking while the iron was cold would only result in bad bruises, blisters, and broken hearts.
for both of us.
eventually we made it back to the trailer and she motioned for me to sleep on the floor.
"that floor looks very cold."
"do you want to sleep on the bed?"
"sure"
"no funny stuff though"
----she called me by my whole first name and said she knew me well. i made a promise for no "funny stuff" and i could feel her relax a bit.
she ventured into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth.
i wish i would of brought my toothbrush inside with me.
"i bet i'm doing something you wish you were right now"
"eh?"
"brushing my teeth"
i began to get paranoid and wondered if the mixture of cigarettes/whiskey/gin and beer had really made my breath that bad. i threw a cough drop in my mouth to freshen up a bit.
"whatcha chewing on?"
"a cough drop"
i felt her slide under the covers next to me. without hesitation i put my arm around her and drew her close to me. sometimes, that's all you need, to know that someone is there, on your side, looking out for you.
"i know you're going through a hard time right now, and if you need somebody to put an arm around you and make you feel alright, i'm that guy."
she thanked me and i felt comfortable next to a woman for the first time in a very long time.
then through the wall we both could hear her roommates having sex. it was uncomfortable for both of us, and to make eachother feel comfortable, she pretended to be asleep, and i did too. it didn't bother me though, i was happy just laying there with my arm around her, knowing that acceptance was laying the path.
in the morning we sat next to eachother on the couch watching T.V.. i was feeling sick and got up to walk around a bit, breathing in the fresh air and looking out at the garden in front of the trailer. finally i drew up my britches and walked into the bathroom to puke my guts out. my insides burned but i hid it well. i didn't want to cause any kind of disruption in our flow, so i sat and wallowed in pain without voicing my inner thoughts.
finally i felt better enough to take the drive home and i got up to leave. we embraced again, and it felt like it always did, like the first time we met, and like the each time after that. i knew in my heart that this wasn't the time to make any kind of move, any kind of motion, for her heart was ripped open and i'd only be pouring more pain down her throat.
i wasn't sure how she felt about me, if any romance at all would come between us, but nonetheless, she was a person i'd like to have continue through my life, although sometimes, people like her and i make wrong moves, and distract ourselves with other fickle beings, at the end, we rely on good people to help push us through the fire and into soft clay to rest our feet and cool our souls. and that's all we're really looking for as humans isn't it? acceptance on a total level? someone that can make you feel important and desired?
there is no happy ending to this story, because she's still got hell to go through as do i, but a smile creeps onto my face every time i sit/stand/lay/ or even mention her. we're all broken in some way, perhaps her and i are broken in the same regard? too many questions at one time can easily knock someone off the wall and go into a tail spin, but tread lightly and carry a big stick correct?
good people know when to show up in your life. sometimes even if you don't want them to. all you have to do is hold on for long enough.
an hour later i was in San Clemente halfway between a good buzz and an evening bender. i pulled up to the address and discovered my fair maiden lived in a trailer park, i was not disappointed, but somewhat excited. our embrace was a warm one. for someone who i haven't seen in so many years i felt the blood rush through me and alive again, as if time had frozen when we last drew our arms around eachother and nothing had changed, although we were both different people now and we knew it.
she had been someone of importance to me in the past, i was never comfortable around women, but this one made me drop my guard a bit and i felt my true goofy laughter and being would be something of a pawn in our game of discovery. i could tell she loathed like i did, felt like me at times, and was realistic yet rational in the age of instant gratification.
she knew her place.
the trailer was the mansion of all trailers, although i had never spent time in a place like this, i easily felt at home. the car ride to the bar was a funny one. like putting two people engulfed with emotions in the same room and yet, they have so much to say, but don't want to reveal too much at one time. mystery is half the excitement.
heavy drinking on my part ensued, and the next thing i knew we were playing pool against eachother. somehow i kept winning each game, and my theory of longevity was proven correct. the game doesn't depend on how good you are at playing, but what kind of strategy you have. people now are so easily distracted that if one is able to hang on for long enough, the opponent will cancel himself out or beat you, and if they beat you, that's a person worthy of a hearty handshake for they stuck it through no matter how much was thrown at them on your part. it's a gratifying way of doing things, because at the end, there is no loser, but two people who fought for the same right and felt that the other was a worthy adversary.
as we stood outside of the bar after closing, a guy drew up on our circle and made his way towards me.
"you got a good woman there"
"she's not mine"
"you could tell she loves you"
--- i was somewhat paranoid because i didn't want her hearing any of this zany off the wall shit coming from this guy, he was drunk, i was drunk, and i was trying my best to get him to shut his mouth so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"i know man, but the timing ain't right"
"no, you have to do it now, you've got a good woman there"
-----and on and on like this, he'd make very strong comments that were brewing in my brain for so many years, but i knew that striking while the iron was cold would only result in bad bruises, blisters, and broken hearts.
for both of us.
eventually we made it back to the trailer and she motioned for me to sleep on the floor.
"that floor looks very cold."
"do you want to sleep on the bed?"
"sure"
"no funny stuff though"
----she called me by my whole first name and said she knew me well. i made a promise for no "funny stuff" and i could feel her relax a bit.
she ventured into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth.
i wish i would of brought my toothbrush inside with me.
"i bet i'm doing something you wish you were right now"
"eh?"
"brushing my teeth"
i began to get paranoid and wondered if the mixture of cigarettes/whiskey/gin and beer had really made my breath that bad. i threw a cough drop in my mouth to freshen up a bit.
"whatcha chewing on?"
"a cough drop"
i felt her slide under the covers next to me. without hesitation i put my arm around her and drew her close to me. sometimes, that's all you need, to know that someone is there, on your side, looking out for you.
"i know you're going through a hard time right now, and if you need somebody to put an arm around you and make you feel alright, i'm that guy."
she thanked me and i felt comfortable next to a woman for the first time in a very long time.
then through the wall we both could hear her roommates having sex. it was uncomfortable for both of us, and to make eachother feel comfortable, she pretended to be asleep, and i did too. it didn't bother me though, i was happy just laying there with my arm around her, knowing that acceptance was laying the path.
in the morning we sat next to eachother on the couch watching T.V.. i was feeling sick and got up to walk around a bit, breathing in the fresh air and looking out at the garden in front of the trailer. finally i drew up my britches and walked into the bathroom to puke my guts out. my insides burned but i hid it well. i didn't want to cause any kind of disruption in our flow, so i sat and wallowed in pain without voicing my inner thoughts.
finally i felt better enough to take the drive home and i got up to leave. we embraced again, and it felt like it always did, like the first time we met, and like the each time after that. i knew in my heart that this wasn't the time to make any kind of move, any kind of motion, for her heart was ripped open and i'd only be pouring more pain down her throat.
i wasn't sure how she felt about me, if any romance at all would come between us, but nonetheless, she was a person i'd like to have continue through my life, although sometimes, people like her and i make wrong moves, and distract ourselves with other fickle beings, at the end, we rely on good people to help push us through the fire and into soft clay to rest our feet and cool our souls. and that's all we're really looking for as humans isn't it? acceptance on a total level? someone that can make you feel important and desired?
there is no happy ending to this story, because she's still got hell to go through as do i, but a smile creeps onto my face every time i sit/stand/lay/ or even mention her. we're all broken in some way, perhaps her and i are broken in the same regard? too many questions at one time can easily knock someone off the wall and go into a tail spin, but tread lightly and carry a big stick correct?
good people know when to show up in your life. sometimes even if you don't want them to. all you have to do is hold on for long enough.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
One for Karen
and as all the previous passengers gawked at our disgrace, we held our heads high above the water line gasping for every breath. i sank under for a minute to retrieve our bottle which hand sunk to the bottom of the tanker and through the water i could hear your frail gasp and whimpers for fresh drink. i have become triumphant i screamed! drink is here, consume my little one and fight off fatigue for another day! we are laying here remotely in a sea of despair with only our inner beings to fend off the dogs that attack the bay of our sanity! we are living in a world of fools and miserable pricks and somehow we still find the passion and desire to turn this world around on its ass.. i was sweating now as i recited this to her and her head still bobbing above the water line.. the passengers just turned their noses up at us and i screamed go fuck yourselves you dirty pricks, i got my lady and this bottle and it's going to take a lot more than a dirty look from your eyes to collapse my soul and break me into compartments. now hear me now people, you uninteresting souls! this is my woman, and i refuse to take any guff from you fucking swine! may the devil pick out my eyeballs and serve them on a platter to jesus christ himself for all i care! i will fight this until the end.
and then i kissed her
and she melted
when i emerged soaked and drenched from a voracious night of sexually desires my knees were jelly and my spine had become slightly curved.
i would never be the same again.
the sun would never beat down into me again and the rain would never be soaked into my trousers the same again, my vision and destitute would all be eradicated, the warmness washing over me in waves as i sat upon the stool in the middle of the street waiting for the cars to maneuver around me, cigarette dangling from my lips, and empty bottle still clenched in my fist, we had taken the night and made her roar with pure ecstasy and joy, no one could ever take that from us, those pail, fragile moments tucked away in the small crevice of that humongous apartment building, it would never be the same again, after something like this, a man expects this from every woman, and that, in turn, may be his downfall, for if something great is given to him at early time in his life he expects everything after that to be equally full of greatness or else you better raise the water level in the fucking tank! it's a good and a bad, a natural disaster for a young man full of lust and wine to compare any woman to the one before them, he will only swim in failure and let down after those events, and with each notch taken off of his belt, sanity will go with it.
now the water was rising in the tank and their kicks against the current were to no avail, i screamed to her, now leave my dear, you need to go away from here, you have plans and desires that cannot be fulfilled here, leave for the other coast and you will always live in a small part of my brain, you've carved out your own little piece.
but i will miss you she cried
and i as well i yelled
when shall i return?
whenever the water levels out and we can not displace so much of it at one time in one sitting in this one tank
she left then and the space dwindled, it was shallow in the tank now, and i stood there, empty bottle, broken cigarette, and shivering from cold
i was alone again
and it was time to once again search for another one to displace the tank
until she returned
and who knows when that will be?
not her
and not me
and then i kissed her
and she melted
when i emerged soaked and drenched from a voracious night of sexually desires my knees were jelly and my spine had become slightly curved.
i would never be the same again.
the sun would never beat down into me again and the rain would never be soaked into my trousers the same again, my vision and destitute would all be eradicated, the warmness washing over me in waves as i sat upon the stool in the middle of the street waiting for the cars to maneuver around me, cigarette dangling from my lips, and empty bottle still clenched in my fist, we had taken the night and made her roar with pure ecstasy and joy, no one could ever take that from us, those pail, fragile moments tucked away in the small crevice of that humongous apartment building, it would never be the same again, after something like this, a man expects this from every woman, and that, in turn, may be his downfall, for if something great is given to him at early time in his life he expects everything after that to be equally full of greatness or else you better raise the water level in the fucking tank! it's a good and a bad, a natural disaster for a young man full of lust and wine to compare any woman to the one before them, he will only swim in failure and let down after those events, and with each notch taken off of his belt, sanity will go with it.
now the water was rising in the tank and their kicks against the current were to no avail, i screamed to her, now leave my dear, you need to go away from here, you have plans and desires that cannot be fulfilled here, leave for the other coast and you will always live in a small part of my brain, you've carved out your own little piece.
but i will miss you she cried
and i as well i yelled
when shall i return?
whenever the water levels out and we can not displace so much of it at one time in one sitting in this one tank
she left then and the space dwindled, it was shallow in the tank now, and i stood there, empty bottle, broken cigarette, and shivering from cold
i was alone again
and it was time to once again search for another one to displace the tank
until she returned
and who knows when that will be?
not her
and not me
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Highball
every night
thousands of young men
sit in their dingy apartments
drinking highballs
those same young men
lets call them "loners"
have their own special chair
they go for it on typewriters, laptops
old dirty desktop computers
with keys missing on their keyboards
they wallow in self loathing, despair, pity
and miserable anguish
which is all pointless
and only prolongs their alone time
it feels rewarding for them, to suffer a bit,
to sweat and toil for nothing
only so they have something to put down
on paper
they drink late into the night, approaching morning hours
with great apprehension
and as the cloud of dust settles over
their drunken bodies passed out on floor mattresses
they awake to the first baking sun beam flowing
through their windows frying and scrambling
their misery
clawing relentlessly at their hearts
feeling worthless and alone
they punch in and punch out
only to follow their same routine
hoping that someone will come save them.
that something in that outside world will notice them
and shatter their walls in hopes of a savior
hey
guys
guess what?
it's the same out here
so what are we all crying for?
thousands of young men
sit in their dingy apartments
drinking highballs
those same young men
lets call them "loners"
have their own special chair
they go for it on typewriters, laptops
old dirty desktop computers
with keys missing on their keyboards
they wallow in self loathing, despair, pity
and miserable anguish
which is all pointless
and only prolongs their alone time
it feels rewarding for them, to suffer a bit,
to sweat and toil for nothing
only so they have something to put down
on paper
they drink late into the night, approaching morning hours
with great apprehension
and as the cloud of dust settles over
their drunken bodies passed out on floor mattresses
they awake to the first baking sun beam flowing
through their windows frying and scrambling
their misery
clawing relentlessly at their hearts
feeling worthless and alone
they punch in and punch out
only to follow their same routine
hoping that someone will come save them.
that something in that outside world will notice them
and shatter their walls in hopes of a savior
hey
guys
guess what?
it's the same out here
so what are we all crying for?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Panda the Dog
There is no answer
to anything
it's all very vague
arbitrary
that's the point though
we've been granted with different brains
people pass through life
some stay
some go
aye
that's the nature of the beast right?
right.
you lose an arm
but you keep going
you lose face
but you keep going
i'll never end my life
i wouldn't give you all that satisfaction
of knowing that life beat me
because...
shit...
it ain't that bad
sometimes i'm feeling down
sometimes high
but that's the nature of the beast.
right?
right.
i look at myself
single at 24
drinking beer
watching movies
eating cold pizza (thank you brother)
on a sunday night
but hey
that's cool
someone will throw me a bone
soon
and if they don't
then what the fuck?
i keep going
it's all about endurance
i can't run a mile without stopping for a smoke
and i can't go a day, without a beer
surging through my system
but this is now
ten years from this spot
i won't write the same things
it'll be a different spot
with different people
and different lives
interweaving
it'll all be different
get it?
sure.
this is documentation
to look back
and see where i was
what i did
and how i did it
i
so many i's
i this
i that
i am here
you are there
i hate that too.
i'm sure you see it
i see it
but for me
this whole thing
isn't about attention
or acknowledgement
it's about keeping a track record
being able to look at it
and say,
"oh shit, i see it."
so don't indulge me
don't validate me
just let me
be
my
imperfect
aye!
to anything
it's all very vague
arbitrary
that's the point though
we've been granted with different brains
people pass through life
some stay
some go
aye
that's the nature of the beast right?
right.
you lose an arm
but you keep going
you lose face
but you keep going
i'll never end my life
i wouldn't give you all that satisfaction
of knowing that life beat me
because...
shit...
it ain't that bad
sometimes i'm feeling down
sometimes high
but that's the nature of the beast.
right?
right.
i look at myself
single at 24
drinking beer
watching movies
eating cold pizza (thank you brother)
on a sunday night
but hey
that's cool
someone will throw me a bone
soon
and if they don't
then what the fuck?
i keep going
it's all about endurance
i can't run a mile without stopping for a smoke
and i can't go a day, without a beer
surging through my system
but this is now
ten years from this spot
i won't write the same things
it'll be a different spot
with different people
and different lives
interweaving
it'll all be different
get it?
sure.
this is documentation
to look back
and see where i was
what i did
and how i did it
i
so many i's
i this
i that
i am here
you are there
i hate that too.
i'm sure you see it
i see it
but for me
this whole thing
isn't about attention
or acknowledgement
it's about keeping a track record
being able to look at it
and say,
"oh shit, i see it."
so don't indulge me
don't validate me
just let me
be
my
imperfect
aye!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
some mornings,
you wake up
and it looks hopeless
then you look out the window,
searching for some kind of answer
out there with the cars, trees,
humans
no.
no answer out there.
so you crack a book, or search for a phrase
that will lighten the morning
nope
not there either.
some mornings,
you wake up,
and it looks hopeless,
but then you remember
that.
that....
uh...
there's no uplifting words to fill that in with.
you do it because you have to
and you must.
because you can't let this world get you down
you can't let people get you down
all you have to do
is outlast everyone
endurance
if you can stay awake just long enough
while these other hacks fall asleep
at the party
you'll be sober enough to drive home
while the sun comes up
and feel that morning frost
melt off you
you wake up
and it looks hopeless
then you look out the window,
searching for some kind of answer
out there with the cars, trees,
humans
no.
no answer out there.
so you crack a book, or search for a phrase
that will lighten the morning
nope
not there either.
some mornings,
you wake up,
and it looks hopeless,
but then you remember
that.
that....
uh...
there's no uplifting words to fill that in with.
you do it because you have to
and you must.
because you can't let this world get you down
you can't let people get you down
all you have to do
is outlast everyone
endurance
if you can stay awake just long enough
while these other hacks fall asleep
at the party
you'll be sober enough to drive home
while the sun comes up
and feel that morning frost
melt off you
Some Heavy Stuff Man
i can understand
why people don't enjoy my company
i tend to put weight on everything
value on most events and moments
high standards for people
and it's true
i ask a lot sometimes from people
but what i'm asking for is not unreasonable by any means.
decency
i cannot emphasize this word enough.
decency is easy
hold the door open
say thank you
smile every once in a while
shake hands
be sincere
ask about their lives
give change to the street folk
if you don't have change, give the guy a cigarette
or a pack of matches
or a goddamn acknowledgement
decency
its that easy
all i ask from people
is kindness
and i sit here in awe
because i can count the good people i know
on 3 fingers
we're losing the race here folks
time to catch up.
why people don't enjoy my company
i tend to put weight on everything
value on most events and moments
high standards for people
and it's true
i ask a lot sometimes from people
but what i'm asking for is not unreasonable by any means.
decency
i cannot emphasize this word enough.
decency is easy
hold the door open
say thank you
smile every once in a while
shake hands
be sincere
ask about their lives
give change to the street folk
if you don't have change, give the guy a cigarette
or a pack of matches
or a goddamn acknowledgement
decency
its that easy
all i ask from people
is kindness
and i sit here in awe
because i can count the good people i know
on 3 fingers
we're losing the race here folks
time to catch up.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
all You have Is Time
the time wasn't then
it wasn't the time then
and the time isn't now
because you're in another place now
but when we were back there, it felt like the time for me
back there wasn't the time for you?
ok i get it now.
how bout now?
no. not the time either?
we did have some good times though right?
back then i mean.
yeah.
well when will it be the time? you think maybe sometime soon?
i don't really know, times change, you get it right?
understand you mean?
yes?
not this time.
time is on our side
yes. this is true
but sometime from now, maybe in the next 50 years, the time will be right and we can spend more time together.
more time together you say?
yeah, well, right now is the time for someone else, and once i'm done wasting time with them, then i'll see that time is catching up with me and it'll be the time for you and i.
hmmmm
so it's a question of time right?
i think if the time wasn't then, then the time will never be now, or any time from now.
but there's not telling when the time is right, it just happens.
this is true, but if the time didn't happen back there, when the timing felt right, then the time will never be right again.
so why waste our fucking time?
it wasn't the time then
and the time isn't now
because you're in another place now
but when we were back there, it felt like the time for me
back there wasn't the time for you?
ok i get it now.
how bout now?
no. not the time either?
we did have some good times though right?
back then i mean.
yeah.
well when will it be the time? you think maybe sometime soon?
i don't really know, times change, you get it right?
understand you mean?
yes?
not this time.
time is on our side
yes. this is true
but sometime from now, maybe in the next 50 years, the time will be right and we can spend more time together.
more time together you say?
yeah, well, right now is the time for someone else, and once i'm done wasting time with them, then i'll see that time is catching up with me and it'll be the time for you and i.
hmmmm
so it's a question of time right?
i think if the time wasn't then, then the time will never be now, or any time from now.
but there's not telling when the time is right, it just happens.
this is true, but if the time didn't happen back there, when the timing felt right, then the time will never be right again.
so why waste our fucking time?
http://www.shutfthefuckupplease.com
hey
brain!
shut the fuck up huh?
it's 4 am now
and i'm trying to get down to bed
a little sleep
but you don't seem to want that
you keep talking
and running
slow down just for a bit
because the body is crying for a break
so hey
brain
i don't like it when we're half asleep
and you start babbling on about
how to put the screen back on the window
in the most efficient way
or how to tuck the blankets into the side of the bed
so they don't get pulled out
in the middle of the night
can we please both stop starring at the shadows
slow dancing on the ceiling
so hey
you
brain
now that i think about it
keep giving me these thoughts
because at least you're operating effectively
and firing on all cylinders
which is more than i can say
for 90% of the people that pass
in front of our eyes
so keep them thoughts coming
we'll find a way to cope
brain!
shut the fuck up huh?
it's 4 am now
and i'm trying to get down to bed
a little sleep
but you don't seem to want that
you keep talking
and running
slow down just for a bit
because the body is crying for a break
so hey
brain
i don't like it when we're half asleep
and you start babbling on about
how to put the screen back on the window
in the most efficient way
or how to tuck the blankets into the side of the bed
so they don't get pulled out
in the middle of the night
can we please both stop starring at the shadows
slow dancing on the ceiling
so hey
you
brain
now that i think about it
keep giving me these thoughts
because at least you're operating effectively
and firing on all cylinders
which is more than i can say
for 90% of the people that pass
in front of our eyes
so keep them thoughts coming
we'll find a way to cope
Joan
tonight,
i was going to go home,
tonight,
i was planning on drinking alone,
but somehow
i ended up
at a jazz place
with a frank sinatra look-a-like
and he sang
until tears ran out of
his brown
not blue
eyes
i sat next to a woman
not girl
who was 65
she was interesting
somewhat distracting
and more informative
than all of you combined
she is wrinkled
and old
13 minute older
than her sister
we talked
and smoked cigarettes
a classy lady
that puts all of you to rest
joan
you are sexy
because you have a brain
and it's unfortunate
that i meet you now
at 65 years
35 beyond your prime
your husband died
and you battled with cancer
but your opinions
your hopes
your humanity
won me over
and you asked nothing of me
but to be your friend
and damn if i'll be
someone there
that will learn
that will listen
until
you whisper your last dying breath
and it might seem awkward
to you who don't understand
but woman like joan
are what makes
a man
a man
i wish women now
could have that kind of loyalty
that kind of fight
that kind of fierce
underrating laugh
that tugs at my inner being
a true women
in the sense of the word
a women who's had everything
lost it all
and now wants
nothing
more
than to be adored
and have her head
rubbed
until
she fades into sleep
a women
a definitive
being
i was going to go home,
tonight,
i was planning on drinking alone,
but somehow
i ended up
at a jazz place
with a frank sinatra look-a-like
and he sang
until tears ran out of
his brown
not blue
eyes
i sat next to a woman
not girl
who was 65
she was interesting
somewhat distracting
and more informative
than all of you combined
she is wrinkled
and old
13 minute older
than her sister
we talked
and smoked cigarettes
a classy lady
that puts all of you to rest
joan
you are sexy
because you have a brain
and it's unfortunate
that i meet you now
at 65 years
35 beyond your prime
your husband died
and you battled with cancer
but your opinions
your hopes
your humanity
won me over
and you asked nothing of me
but to be your friend
and damn if i'll be
someone there
that will learn
that will listen
until
you whisper your last dying breath
and it might seem awkward
to you who don't understand
but woman like joan
are what makes
a man
a man
i wish women now
could have that kind of loyalty
that kind of fight
that kind of fierce
underrating laugh
that tugs at my inner being
a true women
in the sense of the word
a women who's had everything
lost it all
and now wants
nothing
more
than to be adored
and have her head
rubbed
until
she fades into sleep
a women
a definitive
being
Thursday, January 14, 2010
How to Be Happy
in a society where
women pass from bed to bed
looking for "the one"
and men pass from woman to woman
looking for the "one right now"
marriage followed by divorce
relationships end
and people try to regress back
into a comfortable place
because they've fucked their lives up
and are just floating
from one cloud
to another
lets not forget
the landfills become bigger
we consume and consume
expect more from life
wonder why we weren't granted golden passes
into eden
pray to hollow gods and love material things
love the wrong people and pray for a difference
and
it stays the same
everyone is sleepwalking
not everyone
some are on the outside
looking in
and
those who will not lay down
and take it
those who will not "fit" or "conform"
into your horrible society
are labeled negative, pessimistic, and cynical
jaded with tense faces
there is nothing more beautiful
than ugly truth
thrown into the face
of shallow marching souls
in this society.
and we do not need to belong to an organization
a non profit group
a facebook group
or any kind of group
because we are so embedded into our
own morals
and principals
that we naturally become loners
fighting against the grain
of
all of you
we are full of passion
and anger
actually,
it scares me
that more of you aren't angry.
are you so preoccupied
with your own self induced bullshit,
that you can't stand up
but rather lay down and be fucked
by outside forces?
this monster is designed to kill you
slowly
devour your soul
one ounce at a time
keep you underfoot
so that you can spend your hardworking money
on shit you don't need
and spend your time on this planet
working a job that doesn't amount
doesn't make a difference
at all?
you will all die
and so will i
i am
constantly told to be "happier"
well
frankly
it's easy to be happy
when there isn't much going on in the brain
and you can sprinkle glitter on everything
and you can believe in bullshit
and you can love people momentarily
and you can be chased constantly
it's a wonderful feeling isn't it?
but a shallow feeling nonetheless
and you can wake up each morning
drink your coffee
drive your shitty car
punch in at your shitty job
to serve selfish pricks
who do the same as you.
and i do not need a job to validate me
or a woman to comfort me
or someone to love me
i will not lay down
i will not let people without humanity
get away with anything
because they deserve a slap in the face
a punch in the mouth
and a noose around their goddamn neck
if they don't even have the common decency
to treat another human being
with respect
and consideration
i say fuck that
can you hear me punching these goddamn keys?
can you hear me roaring at the top of my bloody lungs?
no you can't
because you're asleep
someone once said to me,
"you'll be happy one day"
i don't think so
i'm happy now
introducing a little chaos
a little disorder
into all of your perfect lives
i was brought here to fuck shit up
to spill your coffee
step on the back of your shoe
pull your hair
and tug at your heart
in hopes
that you will see
what i see
through these alcohol soaked eyes
so i say
when i stand in front of this society
i'll be the first in the group
to throw the brick of truth
through the glass
that separates us
as humans.
women pass from bed to bed
looking for "the one"
and men pass from woman to woman
looking for the "one right now"
marriage followed by divorce
relationships end
and people try to regress back
into a comfortable place
because they've fucked their lives up
and are just floating
from one cloud
to another
lets not forget
the landfills become bigger
we consume and consume
expect more from life
wonder why we weren't granted golden passes
into eden
pray to hollow gods and love material things
love the wrong people and pray for a difference
and
it stays the same
everyone is sleepwalking
not everyone
some are on the outside
looking in
and
those who will not lay down
and take it
those who will not "fit" or "conform"
into your horrible society
are labeled negative, pessimistic, and cynical
jaded with tense faces
there is nothing more beautiful
than ugly truth
thrown into the face
of shallow marching souls
in this society.
and we do not need to belong to an organization
a non profit group
a facebook group
or any kind of group
because we are so embedded into our
own morals
and principals
that we naturally become loners
fighting against the grain
of
all of you
we are full of passion
and anger
actually,
it scares me
that more of you aren't angry.
are you so preoccupied
with your own self induced bullshit,
that you can't stand up
but rather lay down and be fucked
by outside forces?
this monster is designed to kill you
slowly
devour your soul
one ounce at a time
keep you underfoot
so that you can spend your hardworking money
on shit you don't need
and spend your time on this planet
working a job that doesn't amount
doesn't make a difference
at all?
you will all die
and so will i
i am
constantly told to be "happier"
well
frankly
it's easy to be happy
when there isn't much going on in the brain
and you can sprinkle glitter on everything
and you can believe in bullshit
and you can love people momentarily
and you can be chased constantly
it's a wonderful feeling isn't it?
but a shallow feeling nonetheless
and you can wake up each morning
drink your coffee
drive your shitty car
punch in at your shitty job
to serve selfish pricks
who do the same as you.
and i do not need a job to validate me
or a woman to comfort me
or someone to love me
i will not lay down
i will not let people without humanity
get away with anything
because they deserve a slap in the face
a punch in the mouth
and a noose around their goddamn neck
if they don't even have the common decency
to treat another human being
with respect
and consideration
i say fuck that
can you hear me punching these goddamn keys?
can you hear me roaring at the top of my bloody lungs?
no you can't
because you're asleep
someone once said to me,
"you'll be happy one day"
i don't think so
i'm happy now
introducing a little chaos
a little disorder
into all of your perfect lives
i was brought here to fuck shit up
to spill your coffee
step on the back of your shoe
pull your hair
and tug at your heart
in hopes
that you will see
what i see
through these alcohol soaked eyes
so i say
when i stand in front of this society
i'll be the first in the group
to throw the brick of truth
through the glass
that separates us
as humans.
one
more
for the road
one
more
before
i take a nap
when
you're out
of words
out
of thoughts
brain
dripping
lucid
inside of head
shutting down
destruction is here
cracking
skull open
crawl
to
bed
suck
on
bottle
until you are full
for a short
time
wake
up
with
the first cold breeze
of the next day
more
for the road
one
more
before
i take a nap
when
you're out
of words
out
of thoughts
brain
dripping
lucid
inside of head
shutting down
destruction is here
cracking
skull open
crawl
to
bed
suck
on
bottle
until you are full
for a short
time
wake
up
with
the first cold breeze
of the next day
Don't Give In
do you know, what it's like, when the christmas trees burn?
after they've been raped?
it doesn't take a new year
for people to change or transform
for people to learn anything new about decency
or humanity
they'll rape them too
just like they sodomized
everything they own
and some things
they don't
it's sad
how the people
have everything planned out
how you wear your clothes
how you cut your hair
and even individuals
who think they are unique
cry out in cliche despair
and
i am one of them.
the ground becomes soaked through
and the sand shifts
houses collapse
and we are forced into the street
i think about the homeless
the mad
the loners in their apartment houses
drinking cheap wine and smoking hand rolled cigarettes
someone needs to consider them
and i am proud
not for myself
but for their misfortunes
and how they are relentless,
how they will not go silently into the night
and fade out of existence
they will perceiver
and roar as loud
so loud
loud enough
that their sound will be carried against the hills surrounding
Los Angeles County
and echo into every available ear
any ear that will listen
this will tie us all together
the loners
the homeless
and the mad
we will never discuss these moments
never meet each other
but each night we will cry out
in our separate ways
can you hear me?
i'm roaring too!
after they've been raped?
it doesn't take a new year
for people to change or transform
for people to learn anything new about decency
or humanity
they'll rape them too
just like they sodomized
everything they own
and some things
they don't
it's sad
how the people
have everything planned out
how you wear your clothes
how you cut your hair
and even individuals
who think they are unique
cry out in cliche despair
and
i am one of them.
the ground becomes soaked through
and the sand shifts
houses collapse
and we are forced into the street
i think about the homeless
the mad
the loners in their apartment houses
drinking cheap wine and smoking hand rolled cigarettes
someone needs to consider them
and i am proud
not for myself
but for their misfortunes
and how they are relentless,
how they will not go silently into the night
and fade out of existence
they will perceiver
and roar as loud
so loud
loud enough
that their sound will be carried against the hills surrounding
Los Angeles County
and echo into every available ear
any ear that will listen
this will tie us all together
the loners
the homeless
and the mad
we will never discuss these moments
never meet each other
but each night we will cry out
in our separate ways
can you hear me?
i'm roaring too!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
As We Continue... to Decay
the rum is chilled ready to mix
as the cats cry out loud under my bedroom window
screeching waiting wanting each other
pussy chasing pussy
cars hiss by and brakes squeak for stops
slow creeping police cruiser up and down
up and down
up and down this hole
as the women with boyfriends
push opposite ways against cold wind
throwing sparks
as each strike ignites against cold steel
everyone in there is restless
and the boyfriends with no women
stand atop chairs
jerking off into the wind
with a noose tight around their neck
getting the timing just right
they're gonna need it
because tomorrow they take the big job
and they'll tie another noose around their neck
in the morning
marching like millions of little plastic soldiers
into tall buildings
that will eventually
eat them alive
they drive home in their steel cages
and police pull them over
to generate revenue because the state goes under
and
he wants nothing more
but to exist without causing a disruption
his fight is over
as for me
i'll sit here night after night
sucking on this bottle
pounding on these fucking keys
until my fingertips are calloused
i'm carving out my own piece of the American Dream
my own little corner of paradise
with a much needed dose of
truth
as the cats cry out loud under my bedroom window
screeching waiting wanting each other
pussy chasing pussy
cars hiss by and brakes squeak for stops
slow creeping police cruiser up and down
up and down
up and down this hole
as the women with boyfriends
push opposite ways against cold wind
throwing sparks
as each strike ignites against cold steel
everyone in there is restless
and the boyfriends with no women
stand atop chairs
jerking off into the wind
with a noose tight around their neck
getting the timing just right
they're gonna need it
because tomorrow they take the big job
and they'll tie another noose around their neck
in the morning
marching like millions of little plastic soldiers
into tall buildings
that will eventually
eat them alive
they drive home in their steel cages
and police pull them over
to generate revenue because the state goes under
and
he wants nothing more
but to exist without causing a disruption
his fight is over
as for me
i'll sit here night after night
sucking on this bottle
pounding on these fucking keys
until my fingertips are calloused
i'm carving out my own piece of the American Dream
my own little corner of paradise
with a much needed dose of
truth
Letter to George Carlin
Georgie,
thank you for leaving so much for us. i have a plan for my future son (or daughter). i'll start them off easy, mostly Thomas the Tank Engine so they can get to know what Uncle Georgie looks like, and it'll be nostalgic for me, sitting there, as close to the tv as possible, it will remind me of those times i watched the show during those long afternoons at my aunt's house. as my child progresses, i'll get them on to Bill and Ted's.... but i know they'll eventually start losing interest. you get it right? of course you do.
I was probably in my room jerking off or watching M.A.S.H. when i heard my father call for me, i walked over, slumped shoulders, wondering what could cause this kind of disruption in our home? i stumbled into the room, still dragging my feet like a lousy snot nosed punk.
"check this guy out, he's funny."
i looked up and there you were, you still had most of your hair then, and it wasn't white. Carlin on Campus? possibly?
Sometime in high school, i tried to be either you or Andrew Dice Clay.
yeah i know, quit yelling.
So you get where i'm going? Consider this a thank you. a small insignificant gift now that you are gone. i admire you ability to work the word, you phrase them, time them, wrap them up and shoot them out of a cannon, you compare and contrast, point and shout, organize and shuffle all at the same time. more than your humor, the working of the word. it's beautiful. it's motivating. Fucking up lifting.
You'll live on, i'll be damn sure of it.
"Rat Shit, Bat Shit
Dirty old twat
69 assholes tied in a knot
hooray!!!
Lizard Shit!!!
FuCK!!!!
-alex
thank you for leaving so much for us. i have a plan for my future son (or daughter). i'll start them off easy, mostly Thomas the Tank Engine so they can get to know what Uncle Georgie looks like, and it'll be nostalgic for me, sitting there, as close to the tv as possible, it will remind me of those times i watched the show during those long afternoons at my aunt's house. as my child progresses, i'll get them on to Bill and Ted's.... but i know they'll eventually start losing interest. you get it right? of course you do.
I was probably in my room jerking off or watching M.A.S.H. when i heard my father call for me, i walked over, slumped shoulders, wondering what could cause this kind of disruption in our home? i stumbled into the room, still dragging my feet like a lousy snot nosed punk.
"check this guy out, he's funny."
i looked up and there you were, you still had most of your hair then, and it wasn't white. Carlin on Campus? possibly?
Sometime in high school, i tried to be either you or Andrew Dice Clay.
yeah i know, quit yelling.
So you get where i'm going? Consider this a thank you. a small insignificant gift now that you are gone. i admire you ability to work the word, you phrase them, time them, wrap them up and shoot them out of a cannon, you compare and contrast, point and shout, organize and shuffle all at the same time. more than your humor, the working of the word. it's beautiful. it's motivating. Fucking up lifting.
You'll live on, i'll be damn sure of it.
"Rat Shit, Bat Shit
Dirty old twat
69 assholes tied in a knot
hooray!!!
Lizard Shit!!!
FuCK!!!!
-alex
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Go Straight to Jail
one can be optimistic and say events have no end, there is only a new beginning, a new wave to ride or opportunity to cash in on, as you pass go, you take those $200 and shove them in your pocket, only thinking about the next time you pass, but not reflecting on where you just came from and what it took out of your soul to get there, your only focus becomes getting back there to cash in, it's cyclical. You forget about the time you started out, the lone shoe on the board, with no friends or place to call home, you were no better than the thimble or top hat, those few dollars shoved in your pocket were your life blood, you relied on them and your gut instinct so much that no matter what move you made, or how you rolled, you knew that somehow the combination of brains and balls mixed with good judgement would have you come out unscathed. Feeling it beat in your chest, the cold board underneath each step, appreciation of continuation was always in your thoughts.
and now, as you march through life, you've become something bigger, something unmanageable. The tooth paste runs out and you buy more, you drink all the beer and you buy more. constantly consuming, you take no weight in the things that are before you. sit there now, and sip on that beer as if it was the last one ever presented before you, and for the rest of your life, you'd only be able to think of this moment.
puts more value on it, doesn't it?
drink like it's your last
and laugh like no more
think of salvation
as a chore
not worth doing
sometimes,
you've got to let go.
and now, as you march through life, you've become something bigger, something unmanageable. The tooth paste runs out and you buy more, you drink all the beer and you buy more. constantly consuming, you take no weight in the things that are before you. sit there now, and sip on that beer as if it was the last one ever presented before you, and for the rest of your life, you'd only be able to think of this moment.
puts more value on it, doesn't it?
drink like it's your last
and laugh like no more
think of salvation
as a chore
not worth doing
sometimes,
you've got to let go.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Cyclical
maybe a year and a half ago, i laid down with a girl, who was on her way to being married to a marine. i asked her not to marry "him" but with reason, not to marry me. she pursued what she did, and felt proud doing so. i sat by, knowing that she didn't belong there. she laughed, and loved, sometimes we'd sit and wonder why we weren't a couple. i gave up on her and finally moved forth. i traveled the best i could, examining everything i could get my hands on, and somehow, maybe not because of my bad vibes, they didn't work out. the girl is alone now, wondering when i'm filling space? i don't feel bad for her, because she was one of many. and now, i am at this place, where the girl i saw, who requested her own space, is now probably entangled in the arms of someone who by far doesn't deserve her.
this is where it gets good.
it came to me out of nowhere. and it felt good when it came. an awesome wave of relief washing over me. this girl, the now girl, lets call her "sara" is cradled in the arms of some shit bag. but a year from now, or maybe ten years from now, you're going to wake up and realize this shit bag is a shit bag. you'll look around and wonder where you went wrong. that's the best part for me, maybe i'm left, here, holding the shit stick on my own, but at least i believe in my faille, which is way more than yourself. i get it now. there's no way to describe it, you'll always be you, which is a fable character to begin with, your fickle love is transfered over by your own greed and well being, which is fantastic considering you try and spread your good graces all over everyone and make everything breathing being your friend. i get it now there's no better way to describe it. and the fact that you read my rambling bullshit means that you want to get it. but you never will because your brain is overclouded with you. and you and you and you and you it's all about you. how sad.
this is where it gets good.
it came to me out of nowhere. and it felt good when it came. an awesome wave of relief washing over me. this girl, the now girl, lets call her "sara" is cradled in the arms of some shit bag. but a year from now, or maybe ten years from now, you're going to wake up and realize this shit bag is a shit bag. you'll look around and wonder where you went wrong. that's the best part for me, maybe i'm left, here, holding the shit stick on my own, but at least i believe in my faille, which is way more than yourself. i get it now. there's no way to describe it, you'll always be you, which is a fable character to begin with, your fickle love is transfered over by your own greed and well being, which is fantastic considering you try and spread your good graces all over everyone and make everything breathing being your friend. i get it now there's no better way to describe it. and the fact that you read my rambling bullshit means that you want to get it. but you never will because your brain is overclouded with you. and you and you and you and you it's all about you. how sad.
I Get IT Now
i get it now,
all the misadventures
i get it now,
i can see beyond the thin lines
every thing is a cycle
and i no longer hold faith
or hope
or love
for any of you
i get it now
you're all shallow souls
hoping to be liked
you're all looking
for the next step
to your misguided lives
i get it now.
i can see
from where i stand
who is worth a fight
and who is not
you
are
all
pigs
like me
waiting
in line
to be slaughtered
in the mean time
we dance
love
and laugh
to make this place
a little lighter
all the misadventures
i get it now,
i can see beyond the thin lines
every thing is a cycle
and i no longer hold faith
or hope
or love
for any of you
i get it now
you're all shallow souls
hoping to be liked
you're all looking
for the next step
to your misguided lives
i get it now.
i can see
from where i stand
who is worth a fight
and who is not
you
are
all
pigs
like me
waiting
in line
to be slaughtered
in the mean time
we dance
love
and laugh
to make this place
a little lighter
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Clorox
i
knew
what
was
going to happen
before you
damn your eyes
i knew
you
better
than
you knew
yourself
so i am not surprised
don't explain
anything
you don't
need to
i knew.
i get it.
so let us
pass
like strangers
in the hall
indifferent
to each
other
i have
to see you
so i will
be calm
kind
considerate
but i will save face.
i don't think
you really know
what the term
"friendship" means
you throw it around
like a rubber band ball
hoping
it'll bounce back
and you can
catch it
in your palm
and hold it.
you'll never learn
so why
waste
my breath
or
these words?
lets just find
a way
to be okay
with each other
and move
in our
opposing directions
shall we?
i have.
now you.
knew
what
was
going to happen
before you
damn your eyes
i knew
you
better
than
you knew
yourself
so i am not surprised
don't explain
anything
you don't
need to
i knew.
i get it.
so let us
pass
like strangers
in the hall
indifferent
to each
other
i have
to see you
so i will
be calm
kind
considerate
but i will save face.
i don't think
you really know
what the term
"friendship" means
you throw it around
like a rubber band ball
hoping
it'll bounce back
and you can
catch it
in your palm
and hold it.
you'll never learn
so why
waste
my breath
or
these words?
lets just find
a way
to be okay
with each other
and move
in our
opposing directions
shall we?
i have.
now you.
The Brick of Truth
ok
here goes
girls:
you don't know what to feel
so you pretend you're in a movie
the star of the show
and you play scenes out
according to how the director would request
girls:
you cannot be on your own
you cannot live alone
you need constant assurance
that you are beautiful
lovely
sexually attractive
and "intense"
girls:
you don't know passion
because your passion
comes from a shallow place
and people let you get away
with almost everything
because you have
what men want
girls:
you are boring
and annoying
and a walking hypocritical mass
"i want to be single"
sure you do hun
wait until someone discards you
and you'll run back to what works
because girls:
you don't ever have to develop as people
as a personality
because you are nothing but a hole
that needs to be filled
and nobody
here
ever
had the balls
to say it
to you
but what have i got to lose?
i know the system
and you're all the same
the formula
to life.
here goes
girls:
you don't know what to feel
so you pretend you're in a movie
the star of the show
and you play scenes out
according to how the director would request
girls:
you cannot be on your own
you cannot live alone
you need constant assurance
that you are beautiful
lovely
sexually attractive
and "intense"
girls:
you don't know passion
because your passion
comes from a shallow place
and people let you get away
with almost everything
because you have
what men want
girls:
you are boring
and annoying
and a walking hypocritical mass
"i want to be single"
sure you do hun
wait until someone discards you
and you'll run back to what works
because girls:
you don't ever have to develop as people
as a personality
because you are nothing but a hole
that needs to be filled
and nobody
here
ever
had the balls
to say it
to you
but what have i got to lose?
i know the system
and you're all the same
the formula
to life.
a Worthy Adversary
hey,
you,
yeah,
you with sandals and a robe
GOD!
i've never bothered you with my prayers
it'll be a waste of your time
you haven't given me many bad points
i lost a car to a hydrant
i've lost many a woman
to what?
not sure.
maybe too much truth???
or not enough bullshit?
i know you see me sucking on this bottle
i'll meet you one day
and we'll take a long stroll
do they have whiskey in heaven?
i sure hope so.
hey,
you,
yeah you,
GOD!
you've given me some good breaks
i think maybe you waved a wash of "Luck" over me
because i should of been dead a long time ago
like that time i crashed into a van
with no seat belt on
and my head hit the windshield
but somehow i didn't go through
maybe physics?
i try not to think about it.
i've been dealt a good hand.
these girls
seem so insignificant
compared to my other accomplishments
i almost detach myself
from all of you
the worth of a man is not how much he needs to be happy
but how little
give me some paper
and a pen
and my insides will warm through
enough to bleed into
your cold hearts
girls
you no longer surprise me
you're all easy
i see right through you
this year
will be
something
worth
writing about
you,
yeah,
you with sandals and a robe
GOD!
i've never bothered you with my prayers
it'll be a waste of your time
you haven't given me many bad points
i lost a car to a hydrant
i've lost many a woman
to what?
not sure.
maybe too much truth???
or not enough bullshit?
i know you see me sucking on this bottle
i'll meet you one day
and we'll take a long stroll
do they have whiskey in heaven?
i sure hope so.
hey,
you,
yeah you,
GOD!
you've given me some good breaks
i think maybe you waved a wash of "Luck" over me
because i should of been dead a long time ago
like that time i crashed into a van
with no seat belt on
and my head hit the windshield
but somehow i didn't go through
maybe physics?
i try not to think about it.
i've been dealt a good hand.
these girls
seem so insignificant
compared to my other accomplishments
i almost detach myself
from all of you
the worth of a man is not how much he needs to be happy
but how little
give me some paper
and a pen
and my insides will warm through
enough to bleed into
your cold hearts
girls
you no longer surprise me
you're all easy
i see right through you
this year
will be
something
worth
writing about
a Good Friend
a good friend
like a brother
brother,
you sit with me when times are rough
we ride together
across the asphalt
towards patience
and anger
my brother
you make choices
worth deciding
choices
that aren't second thoughts
but a twist of the phone
my brother
when i'm gone for two days
you call to make sure
the world hasn't opened up
and sucked me into it's core
a good friend
a rarity
you know what the term friendship means
a term girls
and hallow people
throw around
my brother
like a brother
brother,
you sit with me when times are rough
we ride together
across the asphalt
towards patience
and anger
my brother
you make choices
worth deciding
choices
that aren't second thoughts
but a twist of the phone
my brother
when i'm gone for two days
you call to make sure
the world hasn't opened up
and sucked me into it's core
a good friend
a rarity
you know what the term friendship means
a term girls
and hallow people
throw around
my brother
Everything Burns
Just for tonight
i rather not write
i rather sit here and drink
and tomorrow
i'll wake up
and everything will be the same
just as i left it
because
people
and objects
do not change
he who left you behind yesterday
will leave you behind ten years from now
i enjoy this way too much
i see moves
before moves are made
it's no wonder
i get bored
and stare at my shoelaces
wondering if god exist
watching me suck on this rum
everything burns
the nights flame with fire
and the glow through my window
cast shadows on my dying plants
and the wicker grows sorry with every plaque
every trophy
that paces across this room
i've detached myself
from everything not worth losing
and attached myself
to the good things that withstand
the test
the time
the decay
of life
i'm okay
but you
i don't think so
i rather not write
i rather sit here and drink
and tomorrow
i'll wake up
and everything will be the same
just as i left it
because
people
and objects
do not change
he who left you behind yesterday
will leave you behind ten years from now
i enjoy this way too much
i see moves
before moves are made
it's no wonder
i get bored
and stare at my shoelaces
wondering if god exist
watching me suck on this rum
everything burns
the nights flame with fire
and the glow through my window
cast shadows on my dying plants
and the wicker grows sorry with every plaque
every trophy
that paces across this room
i've detached myself
from everything not worth losing
and attached myself
to the good things that withstand
the test
the time
the decay
of life
i'm okay
but you
i don't think so
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
a Pocket Full of Poinsettias
it was in the last minutes of that night
the end of that day
before
blurring into the next one
and the one following.
an ocean was pouring out of my palms
shaking
cold sweat
running down my back
so
i sneaked a hit to calm me down
keep my nerves in check
she stood behind me- off to my right
holding the poems
in a tiny neat stack
against her soft milky skin
the night was burning inside of me
life was tugging at my pant leg
wanting me to come along
so i did.
i medicated myself properly
before entering the "asylum"
one jack
to wash down 3 caffeine tablets
and a cigarette to balance it all out
i'm ready now i think
now wait.
ok lets go
bring in the animals!
let them gather around!
i walked up onto the soap box
which made for a makeshift stage
she handed me the poems
and i destroyed the neat stack in a matter
of seconds
her smile was comforting
and
with that
the sweating stopped
the shaking ceased
and i pulled out the bottle
took a slug
and remembered this time
the first time
that i
began to read to all of you
"This poem is called "a Pocket Full of Poinsettias"
and it goes:
it was in the last minutes of that night... ...
the end of that day
before
blurring into the next one
and the one following.
an ocean was pouring out of my palms
shaking
cold sweat
running down my back
so
i sneaked a hit to calm me down
keep my nerves in check
she stood behind me- off to my right
holding the poems
in a tiny neat stack
against her soft milky skin
the night was burning inside of me
life was tugging at my pant leg
wanting me to come along
so i did.
i medicated myself properly
before entering the "asylum"
one jack
to wash down 3 caffeine tablets
and a cigarette to balance it all out
i'm ready now i think
now wait.
ok lets go
bring in the animals!
let them gather around!
i walked up onto the soap box
which made for a makeshift stage
she handed me the poems
and i destroyed the neat stack in a matter
of seconds
her smile was comforting
and
with that
the sweating stopped
the shaking ceased
and i pulled out the bottle
took a slug
and remembered this time
the first time
that i
began to read to all of you
"This poem is called "a Pocket Full of Poinsettias"
and it goes:
it was in the last minutes of that night... ...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
You've Been Immortalized in Words my Dear, Be Proud.
"all you do is talk about drinking, and fucking, and how bad everyone is."
"this is true"
"doesn't it get boring? saying the same things over and over again."
"actually it's challenging; the beauty in it is saying the same thing different ways. it's called Tautology"
"whatever, it's frustrating."
Sara wiggled her sweet little ass into the kitchen and got started on the pumpkin pie.
Jeremy threw the hat onto his knee; watched it hang there, balancing. Understanding her frustration wasn't possible. For him things were black or white, up or down, nothing was ambiguous, everything was defined and straight cut. Jeremy never had to make assumptions about anything, he just did what felt right and pushed forward, all the while valuing humanity and trying to understand why life was so long and filled with so many vacant bodies.
"Hey"
"yeah."
"let me talk to you for a second."
Sara walked back into the living room and put her hair up. Watching her, everything was sweet, her hair always smelled like vanilla and her skin tasted like bubble gum, even the air had a sweetness that trailed behind her after she walked by him. It was like living inside a bubble made of gum, the world was pink and soft, blurry, always giving to the touch, and at first it seemed very comfortable, here in this bubble, but outside those stretched walls of candy, there was a place where you could fall down and scrape a knee, and feel the air rushing into your open cuts and soars, a place where you could get your heart broken and get flowers on the same day. That's where he belonged, but he didn't want to go alone though.
"i want you to come with me"
"where?"
"out there" - he motioned towards the windows, the moon and sun were both out, fighting for day or night, neither one of them wanting to give up at all, but knowing that if they didn't follow the system of this, they'd both plunge into the ocean and die horrible deaths under a sea of empty life boats.
"what are you saying?"
"i want you to go somewhere with me, right now, lets just leave this place for a bit."
"what about the pie?"
"to hell with the pie! this is important, there's a whole living organism out there that you haven't seen. you need to get out there with me, get cut up, lose a little blood and get some scars, get fucked up and wake up in a strange place. we just need to get up!"
"you're being crazy" - she slowly started backing away towards the kitchen, her eyes were bright and big, puzzled look on her face as she twisted her "I'm the Bakers Dozen" apron in her hands.
Jeremy stood up and let his hat fall to the floor, for every step she took back, he went forward, slowly he crept, with his hands creeping up waiting for his words to crescendo.
"i know you don't understand, but i feel it, in here, and it says we need to get out of here now, you and me, we can come back soon, but we you need to trust me, follow me, come with me outside, just be with me, i know you want it like i do, i can feel it running through your veins at night and burning in your eyes, don't look at me like that!"
"but it's cold out there"
"you can have my jacket"
"but i don't want to go. i like it right now, it's warm and cozy, and we'll have pie soon, and i just put up the Halloween decorations, plus i can't waste time, i still have to make the lemon bars and cookies."
"are... you saying.. that you don't want to go.. with me?"
"i can't right now, i don't have the time."
"you can't give me some of it?"
"i told you when you came over that i was busy, i don't have time right now to be doing this."
she stormed off back into the kitchen, back to that goddamn pie, that pie that would never give her anything except self serving gratification. i'd like to see that pie take care of you when you get sick, or that pie rub your head until you fall asleep, or that pie make love to you on the edge of the bed like i do.
goddamn pie.
Jeremy walked over and picked up his hat.
"ok then, well, i'm gonna go."
"you don't have to leave"
"it's better i should, we can talk tomorrow, goodnight."
They embraced and held it longer than usual. He felt inside that they would never embrace like this again, and that she wouldn't ever understand what he felt, what he meant, what he saw through those alcohol soaked eyes. Everything burned, the city went up in flames and the people remained calm, because they never felt anything, the people were tools, empty vacant bodies equipped with a minimum internal temperature. Although they were warm to the touch, their hearts were cold and filled with bile. Through alcohol soaked eyes Jeremy could see clearly, nothing was floating, everything bolted to the ground, everything had a home, a place, even chaos was marked with the frail sympathy of order. He sometimes wished he was born slightly more blind to the world, so beauty was always beauty, even when marked with hate. If he didn't wallow in his self perpetuating desire to be a deviant bastard, then he would never be anything more than those vacant bodies soaked in cologne waiting to be ignited.
When Jeremy walked out the door, never looking back, he felt a small pain grasp him inside. He went on a heavy bender that night, staying out until the bars closed and then drinking alone inside of his car listening to the night roar.
He went back to Sara's the next day and knocked on her door. He knocked and knocked, called her several times and began to get worried. A neighbor stepped out with his laundry bag and began locking his door.
"hey man,"
"hey Jeremy, what's up man how's it hanging?"
"i'm good, i'm good.. do you know if Sara left? Her cars down in the parking lot but she's not answering the door."
"you want to climb over to the balcony from my apartment?"
"yeah, thanks Buddy, that would be great."
When Jeremy finally made it over the railing he looked in through the glass. He pushed the doors open and walked into the room.
Sara lay there, on the couch, with a small trickle of blood coming out of her mouth.
The apartment had been filling with carbon monoxide the whole time they were talking, and after Jeremy left she felt sleepy and decided to lay down on the couch.
a tear rode its way down Jeremy's cheek as he kissed her forehead.
"You've been immortalized in words my dear, be proud."
and she was.
"this is true"
"doesn't it get boring? saying the same things over and over again."
"actually it's challenging; the beauty in it is saying the same thing different ways. it's called Tautology"
"whatever, it's frustrating."
Sara wiggled her sweet little ass into the kitchen and got started on the pumpkin pie.
Jeremy threw the hat onto his knee; watched it hang there, balancing. Understanding her frustration wasn't possible. For him things were black or white, up or down, nothing was ambiguous, everything was defined and straight cut. Jeremy never had to make assumptions about anything, he just did what felt right and pushed forward, all the while valuing humanity and trying to understand why life was so long and filled with so many vacant bodies.
"Hey"
"yeah."
"let me talk to you for a second."
Sara walked back into the living room and put her hair up. Watching her, everything was sweet, her hair always smelled like vanilla and her skin tasted like bubble gum, even the air had a sweetness that trailed behind her after she walked by him. It was like living inside a bubble made of gum, the world was pink and soft, blurry, always giving to the touch, and at first it seemed very comfortable, here in this bubble, but outside those stretched walls of candy, there was a place where you could fall down and scrape a knee, and feel the air rushing into your open cuts and soars, a place where you could get your heart broken and get flowers on the same day. That's where he belonged, but he didn't want to go alone though.
"i want you to come with me"
"where?"
"out there" - he motioned towards the windows, the moon and sun were both out, fighting for day or night, neither one of them wanting to give up at all, but knowing that if they didn't follow the system of this, they'd both plunge into the ocean and die horrible deaths under a sea of empty life boats.
"what are you saying?"
"i want you to go somewhere with me, right now, lets just leave this place for a bit."
"what about the pie?"
"to hell with the pie! this is important, there's a whole living organism out there that you haven't seen. you need to get out there with me, get cut up, lose a little blood and get some scars, get fucked up and wake up in a strange place. we just need to get up!"
"you're being crazy" - she slowly started backing away towards the kitchen, her eyes were bright and big, puzzled look on her face as she twisted her "I'm the Bakers Dozen" apron in her hands.
Jeremy stood up and let his hat fall to the floor, for every step she took back, he went forward, slowly he crept, with his hands creeping up waiting for his words to crescendo.
"i know you don't understand, but i feel it, in here, and it says we need to get out of here now, you and me, we can come back soon, but we you need to trust me, follow me, come with me outside, just be with me, i know you want it like i do, i can feel it running through your veins at night and burning in your eyes, don't look at me like that!"
"but it's cold out there"
"you can have my jacket"
"but i don't want to go. i like it right now, it's warm and cozy, and we'll have pie soon, and i just put up the Halloween decorations, plus i can't waste time, i still have to make the lemon bars and cookies."
"are... you saying.. that you don't want to go.. with me?"
"i can't right now, i don't have the time."
"you can't give me some of it?"
"i told you when you came over that i was busy, i don't have time right now to be doing this."
she stormed off back into the kitchen, back to that goddamn pie, that pie that would never give her anything except self serving gratification. i'd like to see that pie take care of you when you get sick, or that pie rub your head until you fall asleep, or that pie make love to you on the edge of the bed like i do.
goddamn pie.
Jeremy walked over and picked up his hat.
"ok then, well, i'm gonna go."
"you don't have to leave"
"it's better i should, we can talk tomorrow, goodnight."
They embraced and held it longer than usual. He felt inside that they would never embrace like this again, and that she wouldn't ever understand what he felt, what he meant, what he saw through those alcohol soaked eyes. Everything burned, the city went up in flames and the people remained calm, because they never felt anything, the people were tools, empty vacant bodies equipped with a minimum internal temperature. Although they were warm to the touch, their hearts were cold and filled with bile. Through alcohol soaked eyes Jeremy could see clearly, nothing was floating, everything bolted to the ground, everything had a home, a place, even chaos was marked with the frail sympathy of order. He sometimes wished he was born slightly more blind to the world, so beauty was always beauty, even when marked with hate. If he didn't wallow in his self perpetuating desire to be a deviant bastard, then he would never be anything more than those vacant bodies soaked in cologne waiting to be ignited.
When Jeremy walked out the door, never looking back, he felt a small pain grasp him inside. He went on a heavy bender that night, staying out until the bars closed and then drinking alone inside of his car listening to the night roar.
He went back to Sara's the next day and knocked on her door. He knocked and knocked, called her several times and began to get worried. A neighbor stepped out with his laundry bag and began locking his door.
"hey man,"
"hey Jeremy, what's up man how's it hanging?"
"i'm good, i'm good.. do you know if Sara left? Her cars down in the parking lot but she's not answering the door."
"you want to climb over to the balcony from my apartment?"
"yeah, thanks Buddy, that would be great."
When Jeremy finally made it over the railing he looked in through the glass. He pushed the doors open and walked into the room.
Sara lay there, on the couch, with a small trickle of blood coming out of her mouth.
The apartment had been filling with carbon monoxide the whole time they were talking, and after Jeremy left she felt sleepy and decided to lay down on the couch.
a tear rode its way down Jeremy's cheek as he kissed her forehead.
"You've been immortalized in words my dear, be proud."
and she was.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
On the Upswing
On the Upswing
no one cares
when you're on the upswing
feeling fine
like your shell is made from wood and wire
the phone rang more
when you were driving toward madness
now that you're peaceful
you washed up hack
nobody knocks on doors
or calls your name from the street below
phones don't ring
messages don't get sent
now it's quiet
silent
i can hear the grasshoppers farting
outside my window
across the street
in the thick brush
watch stops periodically
putting it up to your ear
hoping that you hear a ticking
because no ticking
is worth ticking
right?
Fucking right.
no one cares
when you're on the upswing
feeling fine
like your shell is made from wood and wire
the phone rang more
when you were driving toward madness
now that you're peaceful
you washed up hack
nobody knocks on doors
or calls your name from the street below
phones don't ring
messages don't get sent
now it's quiet
silent
i can hear the grasshoppers farting
outside my window
across the street
in the thick brush
watch stops periodically
putting it up to your ear
hoping that you hear a ticking
because no ticking
is worth ticking
right?
Fucking right.
Oh boy
return to ice box
cody
i say return to ice box
we are
kids who pass in the hall
without glancing up from the floor
hands in pockets
greasy hair
dragging a bag of kitty litter
behind us
gradually losing our sand
through the hour glass
helping bad people
find a place to shit
even though
knowing
they'd shit on you
if given the opportunity
degeneration
they play on monkey bars
and we just watch
with discontent
and malice
and ride our tricycle
into the teachers ankles
laughing
the whole time
lighting trash cans on fire
and laughing
the whole time
showing our private parts to others
and laughing
the whole time
pissing in the class garden
and laughing
the whole time
we are
frail bones
covered by twisted chunks of flesh
but we find a way
to continue on
this path
of mad laughter
cody
i say return to ice box
we are
kids who pass in the hall
without glancing up from the floor
hands in pockets
greasy hair
dragging a bag of kitty litter
behind us
gradually losing our sand
through the hour glass
helping bad people
find a place to shit
even though
knowing
they'd shit on you
if given the opportunity
degeneration
they play on monkey bars
and we just watch
with discontent
and malice
and ride our tricycle
into the teachers ankles
laughing
the whole time
lighting trash cans on fire
and laughing
the whole time
showing our private parts to others
and laughing
the whole time
pissing in the class garden
and laughing
the whole time
we are
frail bones
covered by twisted chunks of flesh
but we find a way
to continue on
this path
of mad laughter
Friday, January 1, 2010
Dance Little Dinosaur Dance
somewhere
at the clay covered calling
i heard her wailing
between the moans
in the throws of passion
and i couldn't come running
because her sighs
were hallow and vague
destined to
never
be
heard
by the pure
i constantly lost the battle
wait
not battle
but bottle
i constantly lost the bottle
so duct taping it to my hands
i made new friends
Buchanas, Glenfiddich and Glenlivet
who sat at my side
and didn't want more
than what i could give them
some sneer
call me drunk, cynic, self destructive and negative
perhaps
in your eyes
all of your eyes
you see me as this
but how else is someone to deal
with this deck of cards
that constantly ask to up the ante?
but never play me a good hand
the game is rigged
and the worthy suffer alone
in their apartments
typing at their machines
with fever and devotion
knowing that somehow
this will all work itself out
if not on paper
or in our minds
if not on examples
of human life
you're left with
despair, angst, chaos
and the only way to make any sense
of this devastating humanity
is to write it all down
and stroke yourself
constantly
without remorse
or rue
but when the chips are down
some give up
walk away
and find another source
to feed themselves
and feel important
this is just bullshit to make you feel somewhat worthy
influential in this holding cell they call life
when you know that the problem is not them
but you
and your inward mutilation
of the heart
which you do not listen
or
heed
once the good people leave your side
and you're left alone
to figure this out
on your own
you become scared
and latch onto whatever you can
to make you big again
and these false realities
you create
will hold you momentarily
but one day
your tits will sag
your cellulite will multiply by the dozens
the face they all once loved
will wrinkle and decay
she'll realize
she
will
that all those men
that passed through her life
pretending to listen to her struggle
only wanted to shove their cock
in her mouth
and cum on her chest
fuck her on a drunken night
and never be heard from
again.
typical of the male
but you are typical female
so you get what you deserve
be it semen on the face
or loneliness you try to placate
and the one man
who would tolerate
your fickle being
has gone somewhere new
you said, "no"
when he offered to bring you along
and now that his struggle
which has been tired and trying
devastating at every turn
finally reaches its resting place
you want to jump back in
even though you left at the bad turn
he will let you ride with him
and then
without any remorse
push you out of the moving car
so that the pixies can have their way
with you
but you'll never learn
no you won't
because your mind is steel trap
the doors are always shut
he has more luck
trying to convince a donkey to quack
then to have you realize
who you are
is but a carbon copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
of an unoriginal thought
so you will never comprehend
that
you are dying
with every moment
at the clay covered calling
i heard her wailing
between the moans
in the throws of passion
and i couldn't come running
because her sighs
were hallow and vague
destined to
never
be
heard
by the pure
i constantly lost the battle
wait
not battle
but bottle
i constantly lost the bottle
so duct taping it to my hands
i made new friends
Buchanas, Glenfiddich and Glenlivet
who sat at my side
and didn't want more
than what i could give them
some sneer
call me drunk, cynic, self destructive and negative
perhaps
in your eyes
all of your eyes
you see me as this
but how else is someone to deal
with this deck of cards
that constantly ask to up the ante?
but never play me a good hand
the game is rigged
and the worthy suffer alone
in their apartments
typing at their machines
with fever and devotion
knowing that somehow
this will all work itself out
if not on paper
or in our minds
if not on examples
of human life
you're left with
despair, angst, chaos
and the only way to make any sense
of this devastating humanity
is to write it all down
and stroke yourself
constantly
without remorse
or rue
but when the chips are down
some give up
walk away
and find another source
to feed themselves
and feel important
this is just bullshit to make you feel somewhat worthy
influential in this holding cell they call life
when you know that the problem is not them
but you
and your inward mutilation
of the heart
which you do not listen
or
heed
once the good people leave your side
and you're left alone
to figure this out
on your own
you become scared
and latch onto whatever you can
to make you big again
and these false realities
you create
will hold you momentarily
but one day
your tits will sag
your cellulite will multiply by the dozens
the face they all once loved
will wrinkle and decay
she'll realize
she
will
that all those men
that passed through her life
pretending to listen to her struggle
only wanted to shove their cock
in her mouth
and cum on her chest
fuck her on a drunken night
and never be heard from
again.
typical of the male
but you are typical female
so you get what you deserve
be it semen on the face
or loneliness you try to placate
and the one man
who would tolerate
your fickle being
has gone somewhere new
you said, "no"
when he offered to bring you along
and now that his struggle
which has been tired and trying
devastating at every turn
finally reaches its resting place
you want to jump back in
even though you left at the bad turn
he will let you ride with him
and then
without any remorse
push you out of the moving car
so that the pixies can have their way
with you
but you'll never learn
no you won't
because your mind is steel trap
the doors are always shut
he has more luck
trying to convince a donkey to quack
then to have you realize
who you are
is but a carbon copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
of an unoriginal thought
so you will never comprehend
that
you are dying
with every moment
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
