Don't think Twice

"do you see it?"
"yeah"
"don't just shake your head yes and not really see it, do you fucking see it? is the question"
"not really"
we were both standing there, out in the sun, on the grass, with our shoes off, both wearing hats, i had my glasses on, he squinted a bit
"let me ask you a question"
"shoot"
"why do you insist on not believing?"
"fatalistic?"
"bullshit"
"it's all here man, all around you, in the grass and in the wine, in the gin and in the food, it's all here, it's come down to this, it's everything and nothing and somethings and sometimes, you need to really open your fucking eyes man, take your head out of the sand and really believe it, not just embrace it, or even pet it, believe it, make it apart of you, butcher it into your consciousness, it's all here, it's all in your hand. now look at your hand and think about whats here and how it got here."
i thought for a long time, i bit my lip, silence set in, i closed my eyes, i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be doing this, and especially around all these people, i wanted to crawl right back into bed and let the day progress, i felt forced and tricked, i was vulnerable, all these things were destroying me, i wished i was stupid. when i reached down to check my phone, he punched me in the chest, i stumbled back and landed right on my ass, i put my head down and held it between my hands, this was it, it was either me or the butcher, i couldn't let it end like this.
"how?"
"feel it"
"and who?"
"everyone"
my heart hurt right where he hit me, it was hard to breath and i almost wanted to say fuck this and just head right back into my car, but when i motioned to get up he slapped me, i've never been slapped, stings a bit.
"now i want you to repeat this: this is syndrome."
"this is a syndrome"
"be yourself"
"be myself"
"think, but don't think"
"eh?"
"THink but don't think!" he motioned to hit me again
"think but don't think"
"do"
"wha?"
i said "do"
"do"
now you can go.
i got up, dusted the grass from my pants and squawked at the crows, they were all laughing, i laughed back, we both walked back to the car, he put his hand on my shoulder
"you did alright kid"
"thanks"

and that's the glory of it all