and then I CAME.

i looked at myself in the dwindling light
reflected by driver side mirror.
i was not good looking in any way
by my own fault.
i was drunk
and who want's a drunk?
no one.
i had a cigarette dangling from my mouth
when smoking is the glossiest thing
now.
my faded black shirt
and cheap "Target" jeans
who would want a chap
who was not well dressed
and drug addicted?
i starred at my phone
and that only depressed me further
i thought of all the women who passed through
and they only had the "3" month gap
after that
they disappointed and disappeared.
i looked at myself
my ramshackle
bookend down-self
living not alone
room full of books
who want's a guy who's full
of intelligence?
i thought about having a girl
having that girl there.
would she let me write
like i do now?
would she let me get drunk
and yell on like i do?
would she look at me like soft play-dough
ready for molding?
would she be comfortable with me
writing about all of our sexual experiences
and lack thereof?
would she be content with my constant struggle
to understand?
fuck i think not!
she would want me to be naive and full of
nothing.
if i was you
i wouldn't want me either
i'm full of disposition
full of discontent
full of despise
for all those dirty pricks
robbing us blind!
i want to say something
to stand up and believe in a life
better than what we were handed
i don't want to be happy to be
"in love"
i want to be happy knowing
that i broke through
i made it on the other side
to destroy all those assholes
taking advantage of us.
call it admirable
call it mundane.
call me stupid
idiotic
and full of shit.
i believe
in it
more than JESUS.
and that in it's own right
coming from believers
might not be wise
i've got enough gumption
to strike
on
the
other
side
of
heathens.