Damned if you Do and Damned if you Don't

I never wanted this thing to be open to "invited readers only". that's bullshit that people do to make you feel like you're part of some kind of exclusive club. Oh, i don't want so and so reading what i wrote, i don't want them in my head, it'll give them too much of an edge against me. But sometimes i can understand how that can be your only way out, keeping things private, because this is the internet, and people stumble across this thing every so often and read. If you don't know me personally it's much easier to just take it for what it is, but if you are around me, than i can see how these words can affect our relationship as friends, confidants, and even lovers. I took this site down several times, changed the name, moved to a different address and such, but i always felt an emptiness after that, as if by doing so i was cheating myself. Finally i said, "fuck it." and figured that if someone can read these words and find some solace in them, or read these words and say, "hey, i feel like that sometimes too." than maybe i was doing something right. This is what i know, and this is how i sift through the madness of life. Some people paint, some people write, other people drink heavily. I cannot drink heavily (coming from an alcoholic family.) so i've got to find an outlet that will make me not want to destroy the world. We all have the liberty to click that little "x" in the corner of our windows to close out this box and clean our minds from this. But for some reason, it always seems like whoever it is at the time, refuses to do so, and they continue on, into the layers of this bullshit to try and find some meaning in it.

I'm trying to be the best guy that i can be, and always trying to be a better person than what i am. I want to find at least some kind of tangible truth in my life, and writing it all down seems to me like the positive way to draw a more peaceful existence. But words do hurt. But is that not the price we pay in order to move forward? Am i selfish by indulging myself in sex, violence, women, fine drink and madness? Yes i very well may be fucked up int he head, or i may like these things the same way some people like sports or backgammon. We're all different.

My point is that i've hurt several people with the things i've written here. But alas, if i get rid of these words, then i may have no where else to rid myself of all of this, and it may come out in other aspects of my life. I was an angry man, a mean person, a loner for so long, and just when i think i may be doing something right, i turn around and become brave, too brave perhaps for my own well being. Now i have a choice, do i take the site down to satisfy those in my life who feel hurt by me? Or do i keep it up and let them keep reading, keep judging me for who i really am  under the black shirt and jeans i wear everyday? 

In the end, you have to live with yourself for as long as you got until your time card gets punched. And by doing so, do i live for others or do i live for me? It's easy to say, "Oh, Live for YOURSELF." But in reality, does it really sound that great? Do you know how many people i've pushed away with simple words? Do you know how much flak i've got for a story that wasn't even true, but i made sound like it was my own? Do i even care that you care? I do care. I'm not a heartless bastard for god's sake! I'm a human. and you're a human. 

anytime someone is mean to me, hurtful, or just downright vindictive i look at my own behavior and say, "What did i do to make them react this way? Why are they so mad at me? How did i hurt them?" 

I think that when reading what i wrote, you shouldn't be pointing your finger at me, and telling me that i'm a bad person, or that i judge people, or that i'm just a drunk stupid asshole. Maybe, if you think i'm talking about you somewhere (which is self indulgent on your part) maybe you should ask yourself what you did to piss me off in the first place? I have never heard a heartfelt apology from anybody in my life. Maybe instead of judging me for what i wrote, you should be asking what it is that made me want to write these things?  A book is a book and words are words, none of it matters unless you make it matter. What's that saying? For the one finger you point at me there's three pointed right back and one pointed to god (if you believe in that fucker).

maybe the world's just fucked up and i'm trying to figure it out one word at a time? That's more than you can say for yourself. Or is it?

pull the safety off and cock and Que your thumb for action.