This Side Up

      the morning was slow then, a slight haze was about everything and everyone. I sat on that bench and a small gust of wind blew through the tunnel and down over me. I felt empathy for everyone then. All of the men in suits walking down the street, and all the woman in skirts and tight dresses pulling the edge of their garments down so a sudden gust wouldn't blow it up and show some more leg unintentionally. I felt overwhelmed with sadness, but not for myself, but for all those people scurrying around like rats in a maze. After all, we were all just rats, and this city was one giant maze filled with so many distractions. These people weren't looking for a way out, they were looking for a way in further towards the center of this labyrinth. I wondered if they knew the truth, that there was no center to this place, that it was constantly changing, constantly being manipulated and formed to fit some unknown cause that we were all suppose to be loving for, fighting for, living for and dying for. 

     i started walking north down 2nd street towards the hub of downtown. There was action everywhere you could turn, the cars kept moving and they made me dizzy, i sat down on the edge of a staircase to get my nerve back, it had been a long and tedious road. I realize then that i wanted nothing for myself. i was not a handsome man, i was not well dressed and i didn't have much money. i wasn't a charmer, never had much luck with the ladies, it's not that i couldn't, i just didn't want to. i believed in a higher emotion than just passing through beds with strangers. the problem with getting that close to someone is that you eventually see them for who they really are, and then they repulse me. As i repulse myself at times. I did not want to be famous, i did not want attention, i didn't want anything other than to be left alone. Humans were a distraction. It was better to bury your head in a book and study, to free yourself from all those people roaming around trying to distort you, and once you were alone and your brain was firing on all those cylinders, you could really open up your life to new possibilities. New truths, new ideas, and most importantly, free from the chains that confined us as humans. 

       I truly do believe that the worth of a man isn't how much he needs to be happy, but how little. i lived my life as simple as i could get it. The less people in it, the better, and the happier i felt to be alive. People usually brought happiness and well being, and that was great and all, but with that came an even deeper running route of sorrow and heartbreak. Broken heart, and i want it back, broken heart, i got it back. I felt whole then. I felt complete. I felt at peace with the world and my surrounding knowing that i wasn't looking for a way out, or a way in, i was merely looking for a spot out on the edge of the cliff, to look out and over, out and down, and know how far i could go without falling off. The best thing to do was get up and go back to the job and do it right. That's all you can do. Be fair and understanding. I am not required to love, i am not required to be someone i am not, i am not required to be kind or forgiving. The only thing i have to do is be fair and understanding. and i do understand. i understand her and i understand him. and i could never tell them the truths, for fear that they would break down, and they were never ready to hear it, and they never would be. so instead of breaking it out, i kept my calm and walked away from the situation, because every word was a fight, every word was a disagreement, every word was used against me. i felt that they were against me then, and the best thing to do was ignore them until they went away. and eventually they would hate me, think bad of me, think that i was not a good person and only a dick headed snob. maybe in their eyes i am, but i know inside of me that i am a good person. and just because i'm not chasing after you, or giving you attention, that doesn't mean i hate you and want you dead. i just want to be left alone, to be happy alone, to be content with myself. if they thought i was wrong, then maybe i am wrong, and everything that proceeds that will be wrong because they have that thought in their head already. so let me be wrong. let me be wrong alone. i won't bother you, you won't bother me. I can live and breath free finally. Free of distortions.