I set out to write something that was truthful and honest. The thoughts came very easily and the words seemed to flow. i was about mid-way through the thing, but suddenly, when i went back to read it, i didn't dig what i had wrote. it sounded very cynical, jaded, negative, and the points were all there, but none of them seemed to really give that resonant tone that i was looking for. luckily i don't really give a shit and erasing a hour and a half of work in order to go back and re-write it didn't sound like a bad idea. Two glasses of scotch and a beer later here i am. back at the beginning, and this time around, hot damn, i think i might nail this fucker.
I hate life coaches. i hate people who complain about meaningless task. i hate people who feel they are destined to change the world or leave a mark. i hate people who are in love. i hate people who are boring and people who get bored. i hate people who are stupid and make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly. i hate people who feel that their opinion means something and i also hate people who seek validation. You are not awesome because you're married and have kids. your kids are not awesome. Your car is not awesome, and everything you do is an insecurity to validate your selfish desire in another validation to make you feel like you matter in this giant marble that keeps endlessly turning. how's that for cynical and jaded? You should of read what i had before, it was a lot worse.
Concentrate you asshole. You can do this. The thoughts are there, all you have to do is line them up so the inchworms can understand. wrap your head around this:
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! Unless somehow you can get away from you, you're always gonna be miserable...
Truer words were never spoken. You're angry because you're not happy. You're not happy because the situation is fucked. The situation is fucked because whatever happened was not a result of life, but a result of your wrong doing. No one takes personal responsibility for their actions, but feel as though the world should congregate to them. I got news for you kiddo, if you believe that god had a plan for you, hey, guess what, god doesn't exist, and that's a fact, not some made up bullshit that was written x amount of years ago. For those of you who believe in astrology, well, shit, you're telling me that those planets and stars out there are deciding and guiding my life choices for me? um, yeah, i'll group that in with the "god" believers. for those of you who think i'm just being a dick: i was raised catholic, i did the holy communion, i did the confession, i sat through all the classes, and in the end, it was an awesome teacher who told me (in communion class) that i should develop my own mind and opinion and believe in facts and not fiction... a goddamn rooster in the hen house. so i covered my bases, eat a dick.
back to basics, the theory of this piece involves personal happiness. You cannot be happy, because you are a bad person, and if somehow you could take a step back and see just how shitty of a person you are, you just might change, but you won't and you never will, because there's enough people out there, just like you, looking for a little validation, that they'll make you feel special, and then you'll love them, because your bullshit will be justified, and you'll get married and have lots of bullshit babies who will crawl around in bullshit that's been handed down to them by you, and they will grow up to be bullshit people, who in turn will spawn more bullshit people and in the end, the world will be covered with shitty people who are selfish, greedy, money grubbing monkeys at the last supper taking the drumstick out of jesus's reincarnations' mouth. And you'll feel good about your life choices, because you've never had, and here's the kicker, the piece that holds up the halo folks, the end piece that holds the meat slab... you've always found the people to validate your bullshit.. and the ones that challenged you were tossed away because you never had enough honesty to deal with it.
in the end, the bad guy (or girl) always wins. it's the american dream. to grow up and be rich, have lots of babies, and spawn a generation of hate. These are the people who will inherit the earth? really? people who save children in africa because they'll have something to discuss over tea in their summer home? people who have a non profit organization (getting paid) that claims to be eco friendly when their checks are fat bulging out of pockets? people who think that their efforts actually matter? Hey, blockhead, nobody cares about how many lives you saved on facebook and nobody cares about how hard you work at your stupid bullshit business while you sit on your ass and cram about brochures about "eco-friendly" ways to save the world. Do you really think that your protest matters? when companies like BP dump x amount of oil into the ocean and pollute the earth. when large corporations rape the country? When my cousin in Juarez, Mexico, who works for "Fruit of the Loom" (and this is a fact) get's paid $8 a day has to go into the market and buy a chicken to feed the family for $6.50?
no, fuck that, this situation is fucked, capitalism is bullshit. and no matter how holy you think you are, no matter how great you think you are, no matter how many souls you think you've touched or changed, your love in the end is selfish, because i see you.. oh how i see you sitting at that place. that place telling people how great you are, advertising shamelessly about how saving the world is important to you, when in fact, saving the world just gives you something to talk about, because by doing the outside action, you never have to acknowledge what's inside, and you don't want to, because what's inside of you is bad. you are a bad person, you know it, but you don't want to confront it. and somehow, through my fucked up logic this all makes sense. are you ready to do math? a little logic? i know i am...
shitty person+shitty person=shitty baby.
shitty baby wants to save the world (because they were handed everything)
shitty baby+other shitty babies= shitty company full of stupid goddamn bullshit
stupid goddamn bullshit company advertises about how great they are (on somebody else's dollar)
and turns into,
a corporation.
board members take over,
original thought is thrown out he window
wash
don't rinse
and repeat.
i feel as though i may have gone on a rant here. i went off my main points, but it made for some pretty good writing, and if you've gotten this far, your dedication is this great, then i'll give you the essence.
people are shit. this is the world we live in. it's all selfishly driven, and if you can actually realize that you are a horrible human being, full of hate, than that's the first step in humanity. If you know that everyone else is an asshole and horrible (most importantly yourself) than you may have a chance. It starts with you. Break yourself down, find those bad points, the most horrible, wretched, deviating points and you'll know what people are great to surround yourself with and what people are horrible. If you can't climb that latter to self actualization than you deserve to be dragged out to the desert and shot. not enough people realize that once popped out of your mothers vagina anything you do after that is your responsibility, and you do not have to beg the world to love you, you do not have to beg your parents to love you, you do not have to beg yourself to love you, what you have to do is realize that you are human, which then makes you a piece of shit, and know that the only way to true humanity is saving one person at a time (most of which can not be saved) and knowing just exactly where you are.
i am a kind person. i don't like to make people feel bad. i love woman and every fucking inch of their bodies. i'm loving and complete. happiness in knowing that i am destined to fail, but won't go down without giving some noise. that's what personal happiness is.. knowing that you're fucked in no matter what situation you find yourself in, but fighting your way out of of it and never giving up. if the chips our down, ride on the red and bet all your jacks on black.
i end on a hold thought:
roll the dice
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.
-charles buwkowski
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