Goddamn, I Made it Out Alive

 

no one taught me how to love

so I don't really know how.

my parents were drunks

and my brother was greedy

I never knew my grandfather

but he wasn't any better

born into chaos

and living in chaos

is the only way I know how.

seeing the

manipulators

the deceivers

liars

thieves

and whores

who lined the block

I grew up on

with their glittered skirts

and dirty hair

I was no better than them.

but out of that

brewing

was something

that

the others around me didn't have...

- determination -

and for every

heartbreak

and fist thrown

for every scratch

scrape

burn and bruise

I would not let them get me.

there was something holy in that

something pure

knowing that they would never beat me

I was not taller than them

or stronger

or handsomer

or meaner

I was not more likeable

nice

or even kind.

I was smarter than them.

I watched them

cry through their problems

as I fought my way out of them

and figured out

how to avoid destruction.

I am not the best.

and I am not the one.

battered

bruised

and slathered with blood

I'll make it out alive

and goddamn

I'm glad that I survived.

the tadpoles
collected at the bottom of the grime
and lost tails
eyes and gills
lost everything they wanted
willed for better life.
the participants in the fight
sat back and watched
feasted on all those desirables
those dreaded
wretched
horrible people
flesh in flesh
eating human bodies
like it was the new thing to do.
but that grows old
and dies
they all look forward to the next
leap
that will
validate
them.
warm smiles
are like steaming hot turds
dropped on
our chest
as we wait
to
push them off
and some of us can't
while others just keep shitting
at the mouth
and the quiet
foam
at
the
mouth
with the little dignity they have left.

One for That Guy

one for the guy
who's two steps ahead
one for the guy
smarter than me
one for the guy
who taught me
after my dad left off
one for the guy
who tried to explain
over midnight burritos
when i lost my way
about the world
one for the guy
who took it all in stride
and struggled to show me
the right way
to this
one for the guy
who made me see
negativity and positivity
intermixed with ambition
and challenges
one for the guy
who's always had a word of his own
to say
to develop
and be my friend.
one for that guy
who turned out to be my brother
without me even knowing
and know
as we develop
you faster than me
because you're smarter
i'll be one step behind
but always wanting to catch up
you need that in life
someone to push you
farther
than what you're willing to go
that's when you feel okay
you feel like you accomplished
nothing
because you want
to go
more
and further out
thank you
to my brother
who's gone at 4am

If You're Gonna.

if you're gonna write
be worth it at least.
don't write about fairies or ponies
don't write about Marmaduke
or unicorns.
don't write about being the best
or being the smartest.
write about being normal.
write about finding solace
in special beings.
if you're gonna write,
write about not having anything.
no distractions.
that's the problem now maybe?
we have too many goddamn distractions
and when we fuck up
we just distract ourselves
and dance on our graves.
some of them have real feelings
towards what is golden
what is right
but we're all living in fear.
god i wish someone would test me
someone would just fuck with me
and make me angry
sad
loving
and full of passion
but nobody seems to be full of anything
but their
only
well being.
people are shit.
the earth is shit.
the planet is dying
and those who care
only want to be
patted on the back
and congratulated for their efforts.
if you really cared
you wouldn't be looking for validation.
you wouldn't put your name
on the information sheet.
you wouldn't let everyone know
that you're saving everything
on facebook.
if your salvation was profound
announcement over open air systems
would be fornication.
you suck.
all of you people
who can't think for yourselves suck.
and i have not pity for you
when bad things happen
you deserve everything
you get
from your boyfriends beating you
to your heartbreak.
i hope you learn one day
but you never will
because any guy will validate
a girl
because you have
the golden ticket.
man,
think about that for a second
the next time a guy says your awesome
does he really think you're awesome
or does he only want to fuck you
on the edge of your bed
and cum on your face?
if you can buy his bullshit
than i hope he transmits
you
it.

Revolution in itself

revolution is not on a t-shirt
no matter what school you went to
no matter what messages you send
on that american apparel shirt
you're not fighting anything
but giving into critical mass.
it's funny,
how only girls want to save the world.
is it because of your lack of inner being?
that you want to change everything
except you
when you are the problem
that has been handed down
generation
after feeble generation?
i can't endorse your cause
because it's just fickle
fickle like you.
one minute you preach about environmental rights
and yet
when we go to the "Ralphs" at 2am
you don't ask for paper
but let them pack
every item separably in plastic
bags.
you spend money on bullshit items
like decorations for Halloween
and decorations for easter
and every holiday in between.
you think that you're changing life
changing the way people live.
you don't make a difference
you don't actually do anything
but brag about how great you are.
i see it in all of you
trying to save the world.
oh.
oh.
i say this place isn't worth saving.
we are animals.
there is no god
no jesus.
no holy Nazareth.
it's all just goddamn stories meant to scare you.
and you are scared.
so you don't steal
you don't fight
you don't ask questions
you conform.
and conforming
is the worst thing possible.
once you play into the mass hands
you become nothing but a chipmunk
collecting nuts
and marching to the beat
of the mass drum.
shit.
i understand you though.
i get it.
it's way easier
to shut your mouth and smile
talk about saving mustangs in the wild
talk about saving dolphins and whales
talk about saving everything on this planet.
that's not the way it's done.
you save one person at a time.
you make them better than what they are.
you motivate and help them strive
for more than what they have.
let them all not be satisfied
let them all be depressed and fight for more.
some people have it.
the others
well
the other just find whats hip and in trend
and follow that for the rest of their
lives.
what horrible lives you must lead.
but you're oblivious to everything outside your
bubble.
hit me on the head
and break my spine.
slap me across the face
and destroy my brain.
i want to be stupid and full
of nonsense like you
so i can be happy with all this
goddamn phony bullshit
they handed us.
it's so easy
being you.
being empty.