Welcome to the Machine

okay. fine. i'm gonna not try to be a downer on this one. i'll aim for that high hill up there.. the top of that dirty bastard so i can stand up and scream about almost nothing. you ever notice how at the end of every game you watch on television, be it soccer, baseball or football, those last seconds are given away to nothing? it's as though both teams have lost hope and place themselves second in place?? what if.. hypothetically speaking, what if one of them were to reach up and kick some shit around? what if.. in those last minutes, they knew that the other team was dead ahead, lost their touch, celebrated too early? caught them with their defenses down and pulled together to complete something worth wild? it's true.. watch any game on tv.. i don't keep abreast with sports, but think of it? in the last final minutes, someone pulled through and made all those golden dreams in your head a reality? they did not give up.. i would admire that, and if anything that would benefit everyone else, it would make for a more exciting game at least???

as i was pondering these thoughts, i listened to Charlie Brown play the piano. it was a melancholy tune, played at least in a C# to ears that were available.. which were dwindling in the least. i tried hard not to get caught up in the despair of all of this. i was trying to be optimistic and hopeful, although secretly i knew none of that was available to me. some guys can bullshit, and they do it very well, but i don't understand how they sleep at night, i on the other palm cannot be at peace with all of it, so when a card is thrown my way that i would immediately discard i call "bullshit at the top of my lungs"..

hey folks, this is not a way to live. i have a strange feeling that if something good doesn't happen soon i will very well turn into what i have never wanted. it's a test sent down from that guy polishing his rifle up on that cloud. he wants to see how far i'll push this goddamn cart and haul everyone else's luggage before i draw my own conclusion and retreat into a far off place.. not like any of you fucks will miss me.. and if you do it'll only be because i'm gone. i believe in a instantaneous life... if what is in front of me is worth moving on i will push myself to believe in it including all faults..

that fact of the matter is that no one else holds that true, so they wait it out. i don't feel as though i can wait it out, if i was good enough to pick you than you are good enough to keep.. none feel this way so i am constantly letting go of everything in front of me.. it's a life of loss and it's pure misery in the truest form of the word. it's pushing in me though, and i can feel that other guy coming out and pushing just as hard.. i know exactly where he wants to go with it and i don't like it a bit. if something true, something pure, doesn't happen soon, one cannot suffer alone forever.. and one cannot depend on women to open their hearts wide and let the evil along with the pure in..

we are stuck between the conch and the rock.

meanwhile, everyone sleep walks and is okay with everything. i'll be okay with everything soon, not like any of you care now, so i might as well conform to the mass and pretend for a short time, but eventually i'll become one of you and we can all waste our lives together.

call me a downer, negative, call me what you like, at least i have the balls to write about it while the other guy is laying next to you right now, as i do this, he's got his tongue in your ear and he sleeps with you every night. fucking you and treating you like shit. and you like it! that's the worse part! is that you enjoy being abused!

i weep for the future.

but i'll be that guy soon.

unless one of you prove yourself.

somebody has got to do something before it all reaches critical mass. i understand though because we are all scared. i'm not scared, but beginning to feel fear take a hold of me.

i though about it tonight.. everyone gets 3 good ones in their life.. i racked up all my women and so far.. jesus.. i only had one that came somewhat close and she moved off to Washington DC to pursue a career in "i don't know what."
even then, i don't think she thinks of me in the same regard i do her.. i'm striving for it so far that it's not a reality.. it's purely optimistic to think that a woman would have the gumption to reach over and admit herself to me.. you hide yourselves so well that i wish i had that kind of power. you are a kid with a gun and don't know what's going on around you, but you'll just as easily pull the trigger to see what will happen.

i learned late and i learned lean. after everything is taken from you, you're free to build it all back up again.

all i ask,
is those who want,
come forth with passion and heart.
those who don't want
go the fuck away
and let me do this
on my own.
there's no in between.
grey area is for indecisive youngsters.
be a fucking adult and admit to either guilt,
love
or devotion.
either way,
i'll treat you right.
that's my fault.