Gypsies

linger
in her locks
deeper
injections don't work
drink
to numb the noise
and the noise progressed
in the morning
free
and clean
damn your eyes
and everything they've seen
strip the bark
-from dear stumps-
shed outer layers
for smooth knots
to be caught up in
gypsies
take
manipulate
beat
into submission
but with gag placed
tight in mouth
screaming shall pronounce
eternal struggle
thrown into
napping abyss
blindfold removed
gag swallowed
sweat dripping
suddenly
doors slam
and
windows shut
blinds pulled closed
so just me
in dark giant palace
roaming
without candle
but finding my way
somehow

Good News Is: You Won't Remember Any of This

-never get drunk outside of your own home
(to prevent you from plowing your car into a fire hydrant)
-don't ever tell anyone how you really feel about them.
(when saying it out-loud, it loses worth.)
-believing that your work makes you who you are is dysfunctional
-don't ever jump in with both feet
-if, and when... you love, be sure that it is reciprocated ten fold
-You can do anything.. - but do you really want to?
-Lose several battles, rethink your strategy, don't give up on the war.
-Acknowledge that you are full of shit. because you are. you are. i am. we are.
-know that at any moment you can walk away. the power is in the pudding
-don't collect too many possessions, the worth is in your soul, not your cash flow
-have patience with people. kick over rocks; there's good somewhere.. out there?
-don't just fuck anyone who comes near you - leave that to the douches'
-write for yourself, not for the women, not for the young, not to leave behind a legacy and not to be discovered or praised, write for yourself, to keep the madness at bay.
-don't expect anything from those who aren't worth receiving.
-love each girl who comes through your life. if you're fortunate enough to get one who is gold, hold onto it if she holds as tight
-you are weak, selfish, and unsettling, like the sediment in the horchata tank
-if you're fortunate enough to have a beautiful woman kiss you, it's your duty to kiss back.
-call her the next day, don't ruin her for the other guys, maybe the right guy.
-treat the good ones well, spill truth to the wicked, and hug the sorry.
-when you die, you'll fade, know this..... so whatever you do today, doesn't matter tomorrow or the next, there's ten more like you in line for praise, recognition, and hunger. you'll be easily replaced
-dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today - james dean

Rhyming Poetry is Like Emaciated Hipster Women

back to normal
oversized buddy holly glasses
undone hair
normalize
immobilized
two tanks
but still running on empty
and i feel fine
so much clatter
talking so much
about nothing in fact
but yourself
making me sea sick
the problem is you
but that's not acknowledge
if to live in this world
you've got to steer conversations
make yourself laugh
beyond the bitter bile taste in your mouth
take your positivity
and shove it right up your ass
because with your blind love for everyone
it delays your opinons
your actions
your decisions
and becoming like them
only makes you another water stain
another turd
another walking contridiction
and we're all apart of the same hypocrisy
some people work it
others become invested in it
and some move out to the woods
and die alone
the struggle you fight for so much
the landmark you want to leave
won't exhist
because the flies collect on turds
turds of the nation unite!
fight for stripped shirt, clingy, latex battles
die with a bamboo plant clenched in your fist
"here lies a fighter, a person of worth, someone who died for nothing, because continuation.."

Lets.... Let Us - All Applaud Wildly

the words bubble at the surface, and as i let them filter out, nothing seems good enough. when the blanket is taken off from over your eyes, and you see it all for what it is - the small details and quick glances, steering conversation away from things that will enrage me (which is most things). people view me as negative - only viewing the bottom feeders, the boy who was left to wander alone in the amusement park, and i am sleeping too. and i know this.

trust your struggle.

drink too much, smoke too much, feel defeated too much, fight (not in the physical sense) too much, drive too fast, not environmentally conscious enough, not politically educated enough to hold my own in the health care debate, not doing enough to save the world, not believing in causes enough, or volunteering enough, not violent enough, and not aggressive enough, thinking too much and not feeling enough, and to top it all off, too honest to be an asshole much. (all though that in it's own is cutting my nose...)

my struggle doesn't involve saving the world.
call me selfish (i probably am)
some people can't get out of bed in the morning, bearing the thought of another day of being surrounded by greed, envy, hollow souls, and humans believing in a cause- to find approval from others. those are the people who never do, but only act.
those who do, those who do not want recognition, those who do straight from their heart, tend to not steer conversations towards what they are doing, but what should be done, and not advertising themselves.

but when seeing this, my body stiffens, my mind yells, and i feel crippled by disappointment.

and that's what it is
and that's what i'll have to learn
to
live with.

and i'll get there
eventually
pounding my bloody fist against the glass
i'll learn to cope
to somehow feel at peace with
one person at a time

Green Jello, Fire Hydrants, & Bloody Pumpkins

grind together
as the flakes fall
on coffee table
roll the bill
but not too tight
stand up
sit down
adjust your belt
stand up
walk around
crack a beer
peak out the blinds
"there's fucking sun out there!"
"aye"
"people too?"
"no fuck that, no people, lots of turds..."
sit down
sweaty palms
dehydration coming on
headache
back ache
neck ache
stand up
cannot piss
bladder contracts
insides twist and knot
sick again
arrange yourself at the head
"aye"
no more beer
no more bills
no more rye
to drink it all down
summer is almost gone
t-shirt sticks to back
i'm sweating all the time
i can taste it
cotton mouth/ numb mouth
wrapped up in the sugar business
look in the mirror
pounds shed
life shed
circles under eyes
deranged youth trapped behind
wheel of
dancing baboons
swerving
missing no parking meter
no hydrant
no humans
no more pills
to levitate me
no more T.V.
to educate us
ears bleed
brain is trying to evacuate
escape through my ears
into the sink
teeth fall out
hairs grown long
fingers grow limp
no more
distraction
blue skies
and green lights
but wait.
wait.
everything
everything
everything
is
compromised

'ello'

and if none of you ever read this
i wouldn't mind
doing this,
not for the pat on the back,
or recognition,
or approval,
or money
ha... writing for money
thats a laugh
the reasons are like any other
like any of your reasons
or hers
or his
some people get dressed up and go dancing
others become "hip" and smug,
brushing off the problems of the world
and pushing theirs to the top of the list
i think about women passing before me
the ones that have passed and gone
the ones i have around me now
and the ones who will come into view
and allow me to draw a conclusion
a final synopsis to all of this
then-
i grab some drinks
and write about how much
i dislike these people i don't personally know
these people who i judge from far away
i'm a fucking observer
an ant on the testicle of the elephant
and i've yet to ever intentionally hurt someone who didn't
have it coming to them
but hey,
thats what i do
and if you're not "excited" or "interested" in what i'm doing here
if you're not moved or feeling randy....
good..
go away.
go on... scram
fucking leave
there's no legacy here
no tangent
no security
just a guy sitting around in his underwear
mumbling to himself
and that may look sad to you
but shit...
i feel great.

about a year ago i was down in Ensenada with my good friends. i had been high all the time on over the counter amphetamines, sometimes if i had enough, my heart would try to escape my chest by way of my throat, putting my fingers up to my temple, i could feel my blood rushing, constant movement was the only way to keep me from ripping the labels off the beer bottles and cracking my knuckles -- it was a good time.
we had been going out into the ocean for a couple days now, and on this particular day i was feeling brave, invincible, undefeated... (having my best friends with me, playing music, drinking all day and eating good food put me in a special place) the tide was strong, and i never went out beyond the water level at chest, for i am not a good swimmer, and if pulled out into my watery death, i would surely either drown, or give up from exhaustion. i ventured out slowly, and occasionally i pulled back, got my footing, and would bob up and down with the water. i couldn't enjoy this peace though, and i wanted just a little bit of fear, (which is an idiotic thing to do, i'll get to that later on.. bare with me) i went deeper and deeper out, until my friend (who is six feet tall) was about 20 yards behind me when i turned around. everything went silent, and my eyes flickered for a second, and then i realized i was being pulled out to sea. "fuck" i screamed, and my friend came for me with a boogie board in an attempt to tow me back in, but even then the current was too strong for both of us.. he swam back in and as i looked out, watching his figure become smaller and smaller, (i had to be at about a 100 yards from shore now) i panicked and watched as he ran up the beach to the lifeguard tower (the lifeguard tower is about 200 yards from the point where we were swimming)
something in me sparked, and i started pushing and swimming as hard as my body would let me, then i pushed a bit more, and i didn't focus on the shore, but only on making it closer to land, inch by inch i made my way towards the shore, and when i finally emerged, body limp from exhaustion, i let myself fall into the warm sand and breathed in the fresh salty air.

this was not the first time i got myself into a mess because i got outside of my head.

round 2

a friend of ours had a birthday, and heavy drinking was involved, i knew my ex girlfriend would be there, but i was at a better place now in my life, and felt that i could handle it. after many, many, many glasses of scotch, we hit the bar. karaoke ensued, and everyone was having a merry time. the ex girlfriend (lets call her Dee) was beginning to warm up to me, and i felt that maybe i had a chance to mend our past (goes against everything i believe in, i know) my buddy pulled my aside and i specifically remember him trying to tell me not to do what i was thinking i should do, but i blew him off, because again.. again.. i was feeling brave and invincible (no amphetamines this time, this was alcohol mixed with feelings that i wanted to replicate all over again, even though, i knew, i knew for sure, that i shouldn't, but when have i ever followed rules?) she decided it was time for her to leave, and i couldn't possibly let her walk home at 1:30 in the morning by herself in the seedy part of Hollywood. i popped my head back in the bar to say goodbye, and getting tangled in the tarp they place over the door, i fell straight on my face (not before hitting the edge of the pool table with my head). as i got up, straightening my hat, i bolted for my car. i backed up a bit to pull out and smashed the front of a truck, then clipped the parking meter on my way out. luckily Dee only lived about 2 blocks away, so i caught her about a block from her place.
"get in"
"i'm only a block away"
"come on, at least let me drive you a block, pretty girl like you shouldn't be out this late alone, lots of creeps and rapist."

she got in the car and i pulled around the corner, we sat in the idling car for awhile talking, and then i leaned over and kissed her, just like the first time we met, and i felt her turn to putty in my hands.
"i'm too drunk to drive"
"i know"
"then why'd you let me drive you?"
she twisted her shirt in her hands.
"you want to come in for some water or something?"
"sure"
she got out and i went to park my car. her new apartment smelled like apricots, and it had a kick ass view of Melrose. we sat around talking for awhile and playing stupid little games with each other, finally we decided it was time to go to bed, and that i should come with.
i laid there starring at her ceiling fan until she reached over and put her arms around me. i nuzzled up against her nice big breast and went to sleep. in the morning she started asking me all kinds of questions..
"i don't think your friend likes me"
"of course he doesn't"
"why?"
"because you broke my heart."
"you've got a good friend there"
"i know"
it started getting awkward at this point and she put her shirt on. it was time for me to leave, and i felt it.
"okay, well... i'm gonna go."
i turned to leave and was halfway towards the door when she yelled from the bedroom...
"i didn't really break your heart did i?"
"more than you'll ever know."

i put my sunglasses on and stepped out into the milky sunlight, i lit up a cigarette and made my way towards the car.
the car was parked with one tire up on the curb, and the rear bumper nuzzled up against the trunk of a tree...i circled around and saw the huge dent that was left from backing into that truck, and my front fender was scratched from the parking meter.

sometimes i get outside of my head, and i know i'm doing bad.. but something tells me not to care, and to just destroy for the sake of destroying, to cause chaos just because it seems like fun and i want that angst to be released. sometimes when i'm angry i knock over peoples trash cans with my car, or piss on the door handle of someone who parked like an asshole.
somehow, it's all making sense now.

our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong, stupid, and foolish..
-Chuck Palahniuk