It's All Guaranteed

it's hopeless out here,
in a world ruled by fashion
in a society ruled by discontent
in a place where no one can be free
mentally
it's dreamless out here,
walking zombies
blood sucking leeches
they stick to your heart and brain
and suck every pure thing out of you until
you can no longer be what you were when you
decided what you wanted and how you wanted
your reality to correspond
it all ends the same
badly
what have we learned?
laugh at everything
and understand nothing
taunt everyone
and subconsciously destroy every living
being
we can all erase pictures and notes,
we can burn possessions at the steak
we can tell ourselves all day,
that things are gone
but your memory can destroy you
as it tried to destroy me before
as it will try to destroy me again
you may not know why you are even here
but you also realize that it's not to be here
or there
drive out to the mountains
drive out to the sea
nothing waits for you out there
like nothing waits here for me

the hat

the hat wears itself
out that is
the hat has sweat stains
and a band around it,
sometimes it doesn't get worn for awhile
sometimes it gets worn out
it stinks
but the hat never tries to be here
or be there
or be everywhere
the hat is exactly that
a hat
it's not perfect in any way
flaws all over the goddamn place
and it's an obstruction to beauty
it's just ridiculous for something like this
to even exist
but it does
its here in my lap now
my hat
dirty nasty mangled old hat
i don't know why i like you
you're an inanimate object
you don't love or hate, or lust or press forth
you can be worn by anyone,
but not everyone
save me
oh hat
make me

The Quiet One

we're both sitting here
it's dense

i actually can't stop

this is one of those rare moments where i can't stop, i want to keep going, nobody reads this shit anyway, out of all the blogs out here, i don't even know why you would end up here? it's kind of predictable in a way, the guy writing about how much he wants people to dislike him probably has some of the coolest people ever made on this fucking earth reading his blabbering bullshit, but all writers are bullshit of course, it's just he way you use your words, you don't really care for plot or character build up, it's all a load of shit, you want honest things don't you? you want a guy who will say what you're thinking without any sense of remorse, at least that's what i like, maybe i am off a bit, i've been off a bit since i can remember, but lately i've been thinking, alot actually, i'm actually pretty normal, maybe every once and a while i write something that people can look back on, and say, "oh shit, that was good," but every dog has his day right? i do believe in one thing though, that these words that i write keep me from having pent up, pathetic, aggression, they keep me from doing bad things, i'll keep on thinking it's a normal life, but i'll add my own twist to it, that's the best part of all this, i'm actually not writing so you can pat me on the back, i'm writing so i can work this all out on paper, it's like a huge fucking math equation, it never ends, fucking long division right?

this will never stop
it's constant
it'll outlast.
even you.

don't actually believe for a second that i'm serious about any of this. or am i? no... actually i'm not... really. or? no..

we all ask for honesty in persons,
but we can't believe our fucking ears,
so we all ask for pretentious sayings,
and we still can't believe our fucking ears,
so we all build walls,
brick by stupid humiliating brick,
it's useless on that side,
but that's the side everyone's on,
i'll tell you what,
i'll chill on the honest side,
and maybe someone will peak their head over on that side,
and decide that that side isn't so bad
maybe they'll actually dislike that side
and shoot balled up pieces of newspaper at me
it's cool
i'll still be on this side
we ask for so much
but respect so little
we all ask for a piece of the pie
but we're all full
don't assume for a second,
or even two seconds,
that whatever happens between here and there
really isn't worth your time,
your plagiarism,
one day,
you'll be almost gone,
and wonder exactly where it all went bad,
it's too late
it's a little too late
it's actually really too late
you should of done what was suppose to be done,
but you held back
and now,
now,
now you want to wind the clock back at least 20 years
for all the nonsense, the belonging, was never for me
breath
breath man
i'm telling you to breath!

i was eating porridge at a bar, and i got in a fight with a marine, the bartender gave me free coffee and then informed me that i had won a prize, he unrolled a large piece of paper scroll style, and drawn on it, was an archangel who would take me to heaven, i ran away.

Don't think Twice

"do you see it?"
"yeah"
"don't just shake your head yes and not really see it, do you fucking see it? is the question"
"not really"
we were both standing there, out in the sun, on the grass, with our shoes off, both wearing hats, i had my glasses on, he squinted a bit
"let me ask you a question"
"shoot"
"why do you insist on not believing?"
"fatalistic?"
"bullshit"
"it's all here man, all around you, in the grass and in the wine, in the gin and in the food, it's all here, it's come down to this, it's everything and nothing and somethings and sometimes, you need to really open your fucking eyes man, take your head out of the sand and really believe it, not just embrace it, or even pet it, believe it, make it apart of you, butcher it into your consciousness, it's all here, it's all in your hand. now look at your hand and think about whats here and how it got here."
i thought for a long time, i bit my lip, silence set in, i closed my eyes, i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be doing this, and especially around all these people, i wanted to crawl right back into bed and let the day progress, i felt forced and tricked, i was vulnerable, all these things were destroying me, i wished i was stupid. when i reached down to check my phone, he punched me in the chest, i stumbled back and landed right on my ass, i put my head down and held it between my hands, this was it, it was either me or the butcher, i couldn't let it end like this.
"how?"
"feel it"
"and who?"
"everyone"
my heart hurt right where he hit me, it was hard to breath and i almost wanted to say fuck this and just head right back into my car, but when i motioned to get up he slapped me, i've never been slapped, stings a bit.
"now i want you to repeat this: this is syndrome."
"this is a syndrome"
"be yourself"
"be myself"
"think, but don't think"
"eh?"
"THink but don't think!" he motioned to hit me again
"think but don't think"
"do"
"wha?"
i said "do"
"do"
now you can go.
i got up, dusted the grass from my pants and squawked at the crows, they were all laughing, i laughed back, we both walked back to the car, he put his hand on my shoulder
"you did alright kid"
"thanks"

and that's the glory of it all