do not step backwards
do not step backwards
or you'll fall right back on your ass
just from right where we got up
don't step to the side
or you'll miss what you missed
the first time
the only way is to step forward
alone
to step out into the murk
alone
without the flashlight
without the candle
zippo
or flare
step out into the murk
alone
and be scared
be fearful
because it's good for you
be excited
anxious
and let those thoughts race
and race
and race race race
all through your systems
let the palms sweat
and the testicles recede up in to
their special hiding place
wipe the sweat from your forehead
and above your lip
comb out your beard
and step into the murk
they can't hurt you out here
out here
in there
they can't do anything
but you can do all those things
and more
so step you dirty asshole
send the message to your legs
to take the great leap
forward
alone

Fucked Up and Got Zippered In

Derick was waiting. always waiting. waiting for love. waiting for someone to notice him. waiting for something to happen. he wasn't active, didn't have his own principals or timing or morals, he was merely another human sucking in the goddamn air filtered through the vents. short handed poetry wouldn't be good enough this time. Derick would wait everyday, for someone to love him. he thought to himself that this might of branched off of the fact that his father never gave him any recognition and his mother usually passed them over. he felt a longing inside for something that he knew could only be filled by love for another human. He met one early on and they both fell madly in love. Derick was a sucker for women, they could easily be bad to him, manipulate him, he was not strong in any fashion. They would come and leave just as quick as they fell into his life. and then Derick would regress back into waiting.

He fell hard one day and then he fell even worse the next year. After all of this time, spent maintaining a good heart and a great outlook he was left broken again. deserted, lonely, desolate and the days blended into harsher nights. he wrote fast and mean then. Derick was a sensible enough kid, but his heart was just to goddamn big and there were too many horrible people around him. He set himself up for pain, and he liked it. But that was not a way to progress, and he could see himself in the mirror slowly vanishing like Marty in Back to the Future. 

Time was cut out and a space for that time was cut out. It was time to grow up.

When he reached his peak, his brain operating on all circuits firing go and body pistons pumping blood octane through his damn heart fueled by the rage in the alcohol and caffeine, his uttermost top tilting operating level... she came to him then. And their nights were faster, hotter, and stickier than anything he had before. 

She stayed awhile, and then had to leave again.

As she was gone, he drove the city hunting down the best turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce he could get his paws on. stopped at a red light, car idling roughly and cigarette smoke billowing out of his nostrils, the thought occurred to him as he starred at the peeling skin on his finger. 

he spent the majority of his adulthood waiting for a mediocre person to give him a feeling of necessity. When they arrived it was a great time, but they always left, and he would go back to the feeling of loneliness and depression as he waited for the next one to come around.

But now when someone arrived it was a constant rush and the days passed fast and nights even faster. It was a blur after blur and emotionally draining (in a good way). This was something that he could really grab a hold of and truly appreciate the value of the situation. 

now instead of waiting for someone to spend time with him...

He was waiting for someone to leave so he could spend time with himself.

and that

is what it was like to be Derick.

without blinders

And then She Watched Me

i watched her as she poured drinks
i watched her dance a little
she wasn't anything special
as her low cut boots slid
across rubber floor mats
she came to me
and i could see in her eyes
just how tired she was
tired
and frustrated
i wanted to give her something
not sure of what
i wanted to hold her
and rub her head
let her know that he work wasn't
all in vain
(in reality it was)
this girl
tired
sagging eyes
stripper like
wanted something
i concluded
that she needed a good fuck
like a firm
but gentle
somewhat emotional fuck
that would put her to sleep
and push all those thoughts out of her head
she had a nice pair of legs
and her face wasn't to shy either
i watched her
watched her pour drinks
watched her walk
and the calling oozed from  her
like nails from a pipe bomb
i wanted to grab her
and kiss her like these other fuckers
could never do.
i wanted to pull her hair
and slap her ass
fuck her with those low cut boots on
and eventually cum
somewhere on her torso.
but i couldn't
and i didn't want to
because the girl who i have now
makes all these broads look ugly
and
i don't cheat
and i'm not
that guy
or at least that's what i repeat to myself.
i wanted to be the one to give her all
those great things they write about
but i couldn't
and i didn't want to
so i let her stare into that empty glass
just like
she
was looking
in her mirror.

Going Up

being up is nice. being down is nice as well. some people never go up, or down, they stay steady lined the whole way. i dislike those people, they have no fight, and nothing to fight for. they're either always happy with a cheese smile on their face or either sad with a shit grin. when you're up, it's like being coked up, you're up on top, feeling alright, figuring shit out and enjoying the moments.. when you're down, well... you linger on shit way longer than you probably should, but being down builds character, and maybe that's why i'm always looking for down? happy people piss me off, i used to be happy, maybe that's why you make me angry? how can you be satisfied with all of this? don't you have any kind of opinion? anything to fight for? grow a little guff, don't be such a goddamn gullible push over..

i find it hard to smile in the face of shit. i judge.. so hate me.. i judge all the way.. i try to be understanding of people's situation, but some people are just shitty to begin with, what do we do with these people? do we beat them with beer bottles until they bleed at the mouth? sounds good to me?

the key might be to keep those shitty people, who give you bad vibes, far as possible away from you. some people make me smile, those are the good ones, and some people make me really angry, like bitter angry, like cynical angry, and those people i keep as far as i possibly can. 

if you can be anything, be something worth something, not something worth nothing. 

meh.

yeah...

fucking meh.

Goddamn, I Made it Out Alive

 

no one taught me how to love

so I don't really know how.

my parents were drunks

and my brother was greedy

I never knew my grandfather

but he wasn't any better

born into chaos

and living in chaos

is the only way I know how.

seeing the

manipulators

the deceivers

liars

thieves

and whores

who lined the block

I grew up on

with their glittered skirts

and dirty hair

I was no better than them.

but out of that

brewing

was something

that

the others around me didn't have...

- determination -

and for every

heartbreak

and fist thrown

for every scratch

scrape

burn and bruise

I would not let them get me.

there was something holy in that

something pure

knowing that they would never beat me

I was not taller than them

or stronger

or handsomer

or meaner

I was not more likeable

nice

or even kind.

I was smarter than them.

I watched them

cry through their problems

as I fought my way out of them

and figured out

how to avoid destruction.

I am not the best.

and I am not the one.

battered

bruised

and slathered with blood

I'll make it out alive

and goddamn

I'm glad that I survived.

the tadpoles
collected at the bottom of the grime
and lost tails
eyes and gills
lost everything they wanted
willed for better life.
the participants in the fight
sat back and watched
feasted on all those desirables
those dreaded
wretched
horrible people
flesh in flesh
eating human bodies
like it was the new thing to do.
but that grows old
and dies
they all look forward to the next
leap
that will
validate
them.
warm smiles
are like steaming hot turds
dropped on
our chest
as we wait
to
push them off
and some of us can't
while others just keep shitting
at the mouth
and the quiet
foam
at
the
mouth
with the little dignity they have left.

One for That Guy

one for the guy
who's two steps ahead
one for the guy
smarter than me
one for the guy
who taught me
after my dad left off
one for the guy
who tried to explain
over midnight burritos
when i lost my way
about the world
one for the guy
who took it all in stride
and struggled to show me
the right way
to this
one for the guy
who made me see
negativity and positivity
intermixed with ambition
and challenges
one for the guy
who's always had a word of his own
to say
to develop
and be my friend.
one for that guy
who turned out to be my brother
without me even knowing
and know
as we develop
you faster than me
because you're smarter
i'll be one step behind
but always wanting to catch up
you need that in life
someone to push you
farther
than what you're willing to go
that's when you feel okay
you feel like you accomplished
nothing
because you want
to go
more
and further out
thank you
to my brother
who's gone at 4am