Books & Booze

pile
upon pile
upon pile
of precious materials
stacked high
against the wall
leaning to this side and that
neither here nor there
but sitting still
waiting for their pages to be digested
turned
and devoured
a cheap bottle of whiskey
and two beers
four walls a door and a window
all perfectly inline
90 degree angles will rule the day!
far away
a siren
wailing
after a drunk
swerving in and out of traffic
headed the wrong way
on the highway
alone
in the room with books
and a cheap bottle of whiskey
ingesting the pages
until my arms go limp
and fall upon my chest
book covers spread
like a woman's legs
over my chest
waiting
for me to wake up
and pick it up again
and keep going
until the end
drawing feelings
from these inanimate objects
disliking people more and more
and falling deeper in love
with books & booze
knowing that i can't hide in here forever
having to step out
into the sunlight
from this darkened corner
i forget how to interact with people
and am drawn
to loners
drunks
and crooks
who will never be anything more
than what they are now
i fight with the blank page
every night
i come home and fight with the poem
the short story
and it's always a battle
to get great words
inline
and in check
it's a battle worth fighting for
something tangible
obligatory
and meek at times
but a constant rumble
tumbling out of the tips of my fingers
my brain tissue
my being.

Mistaken for an Opium Addict

a slug
crawling along the ruler of life
trying to measure his progress
and when looking back,
only acknowledges
his displacement
a slug
looking forth
along the ruler of life
and in front
is trail
upon trail
of salt
little crystals put down
plotting his little slug demise
"fuck me!"
our mucus covered friend cries
but alas
he cannot go back
but trek forth into fates salty grips
with each step
he forces his insides out
to fend off the dehydration
of his soul
"fuck!"
he cries again
but once coming this far
he cannot go back
or forth
he sits
and allows his insides
to leak into the air
and evaporate
"at least i slugged a good slug"
yes
dear slug
and no one is going to come pick you up
or save you from your choices
so now
my dear slug
you're fucked

The Guys with Muscles

i get how a girl
can dig a guy with muscles
maybe an accent
it's just like how a guy
can dig a girl
with breast
that i want to immerse myself in
but at the end of it
you don't want to save the world
but have some dirty
raunchy sex
that will make you feel
desirable
but you know
inside you know
at the end of it
you'll feel empty
and it'll regress
you back
so far back
that you'll feel guilty
i believe in quality of sex
someone who will surprise me
with deviancy
if you don't know
that word
then you're not
a pervert like me
be naughty
but truly naughty
not naughty
just to be
naughty
in the literal sense of that word

It's Easy Being You

oh,
oh no,
it's so easy being you,
if i had a smile
a displacement
like
you
do,
if i had so much joy
so much lack of pain
i'd be happy
like happy with the grain
but i don't want joy
or superficial being
i strive for heart ache
lack of resentment
and ultimate
ultimate
happiness
you wouldn't understand my struggle
at the end of all of the
fake
false
untrue
hallow
beings
a long
alone
struggle ahead
on my own
with no reason
no real purpose
i will reach ultimate
happiness
the girl will be the best
the sex will be unforgiving
the small things will be exposed
and the nights will become radiation
goddamn radiation
that no one can touch
they will burn like bombs
it will flame with fire!
you hear me!
i know you hear me!
the woman who steps into my life
will fade all of you halvers
all of you losers
will burn!
and wish you had brains
like my broad
she will be mine
always mine
and i'll grow old
grey
full of all kinds of hate
and somehow
she'll brake through
and make me laugh
at myself
for being indulged
judgmental
and
cool.
i'll take care of the kids
and write
dark
deep
into the devastating night
she will say
"you are full of shit!"
and i will say,
"hot damn woman, you might be right"
it will be playful
and full
of
that word
that word that all of you
in your twenties
are scared
of.
that word
called
acceptance
that word called love
do you know it?
now no...
but i have it
in me
right now
all i need
is that girl to fill the spot
i expect so much from people
but only because it is true
in the spirit of the word
honestly
communication
fuck
actually
just be nice
nice is all i ask
kindness
is that really hard???
it is
right now
our generation is full of so much shit
so much hate
if a girl
would smile
be somewhat smart
and somewhat happy
with being herself
that would make choosing
the one
to be rightful
to bear my children
correct
there's so much
in this chest
that half of you
don't understand.
i
really
wish
you
saw
it.

if "Only you Were Smart"

too many times gone through the motions
driven there
seen that
been apart of the catastrophe
it's not surprising
deviants decay
nihilist do that
hopeless worry
and the rest is taken care of
the ones who have a chance
are stuck in between
now
and
there
hoping
and putting their faith
in false
dead
eyeless beings
oh weep for the past
oh weep for the future
those who land on their feet
are those who don't fight
someone wants something from you
all i want
from you
is kindness
consideration
take my hat
offer me coffee
or a drink
unlock my door
for me
just a smile
a genuine
greeting
not so much to ask
from
a decent
human being...

Take a Trip to San Clemente

i sat there starring at my beer, wondering what would come next. suddenly the phone vibrated and i starred down to it through soaked eyes. it was a friend, who had just gotten divorced, wondering where i was and what i was doing. taking the plan of action, i accepted the invitation and put on my favorite playlist as i sped out of los angeles at a speed uncomfortable for me, but the adrenaline was kicking in and with each dip in the freeway i felt my foot pressure increase on the pedal, accelerating to what my battered car would stand, luckily to ease me, i had 3 beers rattling around in the passenger seat, i stayed close to the rail, following cars headed a little faster, so the bastards in blue could pull them over before me, it was clear road for several miles as freeway lamps turned into darkness.
an hour later i was in San Clemente halfway between a good buzz and an evening bender. i pulled up to the address and discovered my fair maiden lived in a trailer park, i was not disappointed, but somewhat excited. our embrace was a warm one. for someone who i haven't seen in so many years i felt the blood rush through me and alive again, as if time had frozen when we last drew our arms around eachother and nothing had changed, although we were both different people now and we knew it.
she had been someone of importance to me in the past, i was never comfortable around women, but this one made me drop my guard a bit and i felt my true goofy laughter and being would be something of a pawn in our game of discovery. i could tell she loathed like i did, felt like me at times, and was realistic yet rational in the age of instant gratification.
she knew her place.
the trailer was the mansion of all trailers, although i had never spent time in a place like this, i easily felt at home. the car ride to the bar was a funny one. like putting two people engulfed with emotions in the same room and yet, they have so much to say, but don't want to reveal too much at one time. mystery is half the excitement.
heavy drinking on my part ensued, and the next thing i knew we were playing pool against eachother. somehow i kept winning each game, and my theory of longevity was proven correct. the game doesn't depend on how good you are at playing, but what kind of strategy you have. people now are so easily distracted that if one is able to hang on for long enough, the opponent will cancel himself out or beat you, and if they beat you, that's a person worthy of a hearty handshake for they stuck it through no matter how much was thrown at them on your part. it's a gratifying way of doing things, because at the end, there is no loser, but two people who fought for the same right and felt that the other was a worthy adversary.
as we stood outside of the bar after closing, a guy drew up on our circle and made his way towards me.
"you got a good woman there"
"she's not mine"
"you could tell she loves you"
--- i was somewhat paranoid because i didn't want her hearing any of this zany off the wall shit coming from this guy, he was drunk, i was drunk, and i was trying my best to get him to shut his mouth so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"i know man, but the timing ain't right"
"no, you have to do it now, you've got a good woman there"
-----and on and on like this, he'd make very strong comments that were brewing in my brain for so many years, but i knew that striking while the iron was cold would only result in bad bruises, blisters, and broken hearts.
for both of us.
eventually we made it back to the trailer and she motioned for me to sleep on the floor.
"that floor looks very cold."
"do you want to sleep on the bed?"
"sure"
"no funny stuff though"
----she called me by my whole first name and said she knew me well. i made a promise for no "funny stuff" and i could feel her relax a bit.
she ventured into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth.
i wish i would of brought my toothbrush inside with me.
"i bet i'm doing something you wish you were right now"
"eh?"
"brushing my teeth"
i began to get paranoid and wondered if the mixture of cigarettes/whiskey/gin and beer had really made my breath that bad. i threw a cough drop in my mouth to freshen up a bit.
"whatcha chewing on?"
"a cough drop"
i felt her slide under the covers next to me. without hesitation i put my arm around her and drew her close to me. sometimes, that's all you need, to know that someone is there, on your side, looking out for you.
"i know you're going through a hard time right now, and if you need somebody to put an arm around you and make you feel alright, i'm that guy."
she thanked me and i felt comfortable next to a woman for the first time in a very long time.
then through the wall we both could hear her roommates having sex. it was uncomfortable for both of us, and to make eachother feel comfortable, she pretended to be asleep, and i did too. it didn't bother me though, i was happy just laying there with my arm around her, knowing that acceptance was laying the path.
in the morning we sat next to eachother on the couch watching T.V.. i was feeling sick and got up to walk around a bit, breathing in the fresh air and looking out at the garden in front of the trailer. finally i drew up my britches and walked into the bathroom to puke my guts out. my insides burned but i hid it well. i didn't want to cause any kind of disruption in our flow, so i sat and wallowed in pain without voicing my inner thoughts.
finally i felt better enough to take the drive home and i got up to leave. we embraced again, and it felt like it always did, like the first time we met, and like the each time after that. i knew in my heart that this wasn't the time to make any kind of move, any kind of motion, for her heart was ripped open and i'd only be pouring more pain down her throat.
i wasn't sure how she felt about me, if any romance at all would come between us, but nonetheless, she was a person i'd like to have continue through my life, although sometimes, people like her and i make wrong moves, and distract ourselves with other fickle beings, at the end, we rely on good people to help push us through the fire and into soft clay to rest our feet and cool our souls. and that's all we're really looking for as humans isn't it? acceptance on a total level? someone that can make you feel important and desired?
there is no happy ending to this story, because she's still got hell to go through as do i, but a smile creeps onto my face every time i sit/stand/lay/ or even mention her. we're all broken in some way, perhaps her and i are broken in the same regard? too many questions at one time can easily knock someone off the wall and go into a tail spin, but tread lightly and carry a big stick correct?

good people know when to show up in your life. sometimes even if you don't want them to. all you have to do is hold on for long enough.

One for Karen

and as all the previous passengers gawked at our disgrace, we held our heads high above the water line gasping for every breath. i sank under for a minute to retrieve our bottle which hand sunk to the bottom of the tanker and through the water i could hear your frail gasp and whimpers for fresh drink. i have become triumphant i screamed! drink is here, consume my little one and fight off fatigue for another day! we are laying here remotely in a sea of despair with only our inner beings to fend off the dogs that attack the bay of our sanity! we are living in a world of fools and miserable pricks and somehow we still find the passion and desire to turn this world around on its ass.. i was sweating now as i recited this to her and her head still bobbing above the water line.. the passengers just turned their noses up at us and i screamed go fuck yourselves you dirty pricks, i got my lady and this bottle and it's going to take a lot more than a dirty look from your eyes to collapse my soul and break me into compartments. now hear me now people, you uninteresting souls! this is my woman, and i refuse to take any guff from you fucking swine! may the devil pick out my eyeballs and serve them on a platter to jesus christ himself for all i care! i will fight this until the end.
and then i kissed her
and she melted
when i emerged soaked and drenched from a voracious night of sexually desires my knees were jelly and my spine had become slightly curved.
i would never be the same again.
the sun would never beat down into me again and the rain would never be soaked into my trousers the same again, my vision and destitute would all be eradicated, the warmness washing over me in waves as i sat upon the stool in the middle of the street waiting for the cars to maneuver around me, cigarette dangling from my lips, and empty bottle still clenched in my fist, we had taken the night and made her roar with pure ecstasy and joy, no one could ever take that from us, those pail, fragile moments tucked away in the small crevice of that humongous apartment building, it would never be the same again, after something like this, a man expects this from every woman, and that, in turn, may be his downfall, for if something great is given to him at early time in his life he expects everything after that to be equally full of greatness or else you better raise the water level in the fucking tank! it's a good and a bad, a natural disaster for a young man full of lust and wine to compare any woman to the one before them, he will only swim in failure and let down after those events, and with each notch taken off of his belt, sanity will go with it.
now the water was rising in the tank and their kicks against the current were to no avail, i screamed to her, now leave my dear, you need to go away from here, you have plans and desires that cannot be fulfilled here, leave for the other coast and you will always live in a small part of my brain, you've carved out your own little piece.
but i will miss you she cried
and i as well i yelled
when shall i return?
whenever the water levels out and we can not displace so much of it at one time in one sitting in this one tank
she left then and the space dwindled, it was shallow in the tank now, and i stood there, empty bottle, broken cigarette, and shivering from cold
i was alone again
and it was time to once again search for another one to displace the tank
until she returned
and who knows when that will be?
not her
and not me