if "Only you Were Smart"

too many times gone through the motions
driven there
seen that
been apart of the catastrophe
it's not surprising
deviants decay
nihilist do that
hopeless worry
and the rest is taken care of
the ones who have a chance
are stuck in between
now
and
there
hoping
and putting their faith
in false
dead
eyeless beings
oh weep for the past
oh weep for the future
those who land on their feet
are those who don't fight
someone wants something from you
all i want
from you
is kindness
consideration
take my hat
offer me coffee
or a drink
unlock my door
for me
just a smile
a genuine
greeting
not so much to ask
from
a decent
human being...

Take a Trip to San Clemente

i sat there starring at my beer, wondering what would come next. suddenly the phone vibrated and i starred down to it through soaked eyes. it was a friend, who had just gotten divorced, wondering where i was and what i was doing. taking the plan of action, i accepted the invitation and put on my favorite playlist as i sped out of los angeles at a speed uncomfortable for me, but the adrenaline was kicking in and with each dip in the freeway i felt my foot pressure increase on the pedal, accelerating to what my battered car would stand, luckily to ease me, i had 3 beers rattling around in the passenger seat, i stayed close to the rail, following cars headed a little faster, so the bastards in blue could pull them over before me, it was clear road for several miles as freeway lamps turned into darkness.
an hour later i was in San Clemente halfway between a good buzz and an evening bender. i pulled up to the address and discovered my fair maiden lived in a trailer park, i was not disappointed, but somewhat excited. our embrace was a warm one. for someone who i haven't seen in so many years i felt the blood rush through me and alive again, as if time had frozen when we last drew our arms around eachother and nothing had changed, although we were both different people now and we knew it.
she had been someone of importance to me in the past, i was never comfortable around women, but this one made me drop my guard a bit and i felt my true goofy laughter and being would be something of a pawn in our game of discovery. i could tell she loathed like i did, felt like me at times, and was realistic yet rational in the age of instant gratification.
she knew her place.
the trailer was the mansion of all trailers, although i had never spent time in a place like this, i easily felt at home. the car ride to the bar was a funny one. like putting two people engulfed with emotions in the same room and yet, they have so much to say, but don't want to reveal too much at one time. mystery is half the excitement.
heavy drinking on my part ensued, and the next thing i knew we were playing pool against eachother. somehow i kept winning each game, and my theory of longevity was proven correct. the game doesn't depend on how good you are at playing, but what kind of strategy you have. people now are so easily distracted that if one is able to hang on for long enough, the opponent will cancel himself out or beat you, and if they beat you, that's a person worthy of a hearty handshake for they stuck it through no matter how much was thrown at them on your part. it's a gratifying way of doing things, because at the end, there is no loser, but two people who fought for the same right and felt that the other was a worthy adversary.
as we stood outside of the bar after closing, a guy drew up on our circle and made his way towards me.
"you got a good woman there"
"she's not mine"
"you could tell she loves you"
--- i was somewhat paranoid because i didn't want her hearing any of this zany off the wall shit coming from this guy, he was drunk, i was drunk, and i was trying my best to get him to shut his mouth so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"i know man, but the timing ain't right"
"no, you have to do it now, you've got a good woman there"
-----and on and on like this, he'd make very strong comments that were brewing in my brain for so many years, but i knew that striking while the iron was cold would only result in bad bruises, blisters, and broken hearts.
for both of us.
eventually we made it back to the trailer and she motioned for me to sleep on the floor.
"that floor looks very cold."
"do you want to sleep on the bed?"
"sure"
"no funny stuff though"
----she called me by my whole first name and said she knew me well. i made a promise for no "funny stuff" and i could feel her relax a bit.
she ventured into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth.
i wish i would of brought my toothbrush inside with me.
"i bet i'm doing something you wish you were right now"
"eh?"
"brushing my teeth"
i began to get paranoid and wondered if the mixture of cigarettes/whiskey/gin and beer had really made my breath that bad. i threw a cough drop in my mouth to freshen up a bit.
"whatcha chewing on?"
"a cough drop"
i felt her slide under the covers next to me. without hesitation i put my arm around her and drew her close to me. sometimes, that's all you need, to know that someone is there, on your side, looking out for you.
"i know you're going through a hard time right now, and if you need somebody to put an arm around you and make you feel alright, i'm that guy."
she thanked me and i felt comfortable next to a woman for the first time in a very long time.
then through the wall we both could hear her roommates having sex. it was uncomfortable for both of us, and to make eachother feel comfortable, she pretended to be asleep, and i did too. it didn't bother me though, i was happy just laying there with my arm around her, knowing that acceptance was laying the path.
in the morning we sat next to eachother on the couch watching T.V.. i was feeling sick and got up to walk around a bit, breathing in the fresh air and looking out at the garden in front of the trailer. finally i drew up my britches and walked into the bathroom to puke my guts out. my insides burned but i hid it well. i didn't want to cause any kind of disruption in our flow, so i sat and wallowed in pain without voicing my inner thoughts.
finally i felt better enough to take the drive home and i got up to leave. we embraced again, and it felt like it always did, like the first time we met, and like the each time after that. i knew in my heart that this wasn't the time to make any kind of move, any kind of motion, for her heart was ripped open and i'd only be pouring more pain down her throat.
i wasn't sure how she felt about me, if any romance at all would come between us, but nonetheless, she was a person i'd like to have continue through my life, although sometimes, people like her and i make wrong moves, and distract ourselves with other fickle beings, at the end, we rely on good people to help push us through the fire and into soft clay to rest our feet and cool our souls. and that's all we're really looking for as humans isn't it? acceptance on a total level? someone that can make you feel important and desired?
there is no happy ending to this story, because she's still got hell to go through as do i, but a smile creeps onto my face every time i sit/stand/lay/ or even mention her. we're all broken in some way, perhaps her and i are broken in the same regard? too many questions at one time can easily knock someone off the wall and go into a tail spin, but tread lightly and carry a big stick correct?

good people know when to show up in your life. sometimes even if you don't want them to. all you have to do is hold on for long enough.

One for Karen

and as all the previous passengers gawked at our disgrace, we held our heads high above the water line gasping for every breath. i sank under for a minute to retrieve our bottle which hand sunk to the bottom of the tanker and through the water i could hear your frail gasp and whimpers for fresh drink. i have become triumphant i screamed! drink is here, consume my little one and fight off fatigue for another day! we are laying here remotely in a sea of despair with only our inner beings to fend off the dogs that attack the bay of our sanity! we are living in a world of fools and miserable pricks and somehow we still find the passion and desire to turn this world around on its ass.. i was sweating now as i recited this to her and her head still bobbing above the water line.. the passengers just turned their noses up at us and i screamed go fuck yourselves you dirty pricks, i got my lady and this bottle and it's going to take a lot more than a dirty look from your eyes to collapse my soul and break me into compartments. now hear me now people, you uninteresting souls! this is my woman, and i refuse to take any guff from you fucking swine! may the devil pick out my eyeballs and serve them on a platter to jesus christ himself for all i care! i will fight this until the end.
and then i kissed her
and she melted
when i emerged soaked and drenched from a voracious night of sexually desires my knees were jelly and my spine had become slightly curved.
i would never be the same again.
the sun would never beat down into me again and the rain would never be soaked into my trousers the same again, my vision and destitute would all be eradicated, the warmness washing over me in waves as i sat upon the stool in the middle of the street waiting for the cars to maneuver around me, cigarette dangling from my lips, and empty bottle still clenched in my fist, we had taken the night and made her roar with pure ecstasy and joy, no one could ever take that from us, those pail, fragile moments tucked away in the small crevice of that humongous apartment building, it would never be the same again, after something like this, a man expects this from every woman, and that, in turn, may be his downfall, for if something great is given to him at early time in his life he expects everything after that to be equally full of greatness or else you better raise the water level in the fucking tank! it's a good and a bad, a natural disaster for a young man full of lust and wine to compare any woman to the one before them, he will only swim in failure and let down after those events, and with each notch taken off of his belt, sanity will go with it.
now the water was rising in the tank and their kicks against the current were to no avail, i screamed to her, now leave my dear, you need to go away from here, you have plans and desires that cannot be fulfilled here, leave for the other coast and you will always live in a small part of my brain, you've carved out your own little piece.
but i will miss you she cried
and i as well i yelled
when shall i return?
whenever the water levels out and we can not displace so much of it at one time in one sitting in this one tank
she left then and the space dwindled, it was shallow in the tank now, and i stood there, empty bottle, broken cigarette, and shivering from cold
i was alone again
and it was time to once again search for another one to displace the tank
until she returned
and who knows when that will be?
not her
and not me

Highball

every night
thousands of young men
sit in their dingy apartments
drinking highballs
those same young men
lets call them "loners"
have their own special chair
they go for it on typewriters, laptops
old dirty desktop computers
with keys missing on their keyboards
they wallow in self loathing, despair, pity
and miserable anguish
which is all pointless
and only prolongs their alone time
it feels rewarding for them, to suffer a bit,
to sweat and toil for nothing
only so they have something to put down
on paper
they drink late into the night, approaching morning hours
with great apprehension
and as the cloud of dust settles over
their drunken bodies passed out on floor mattresses
they awake to the first baking sun beam flowing
through their windows frying and scrambling
their misery
clawing relentlessly at their hearts
feeling worthless and alone
they punch in and punch out
only to follow their same routine
hoping that someone will come save them.
that something in that outside world will notice them
and shatter their walls in hopes of a savior
hey
guys
guess what?
it's the same out here
so what are we all crying for?

Panda the Dog

There is no answer
to anything
it's all very vague
arbitrary
that's the point though
we've been granted with different brains
people pass through life
some stay
some go
aye
that's the nature of the beast right?
right.
you lose an arm
but you keep going
you lose face
but you keep going
i'll never end my life
i wouldn't give you all that satisfaction
of knowing that life beat me
because...
shit...
it ain't that bad
sometimes i'm feeling down
sometimes high
but that's the nature of the beast.
right?
right.
i look at myself
single at 24
drinking beer
watching movies
eating cold pizza (thank you brother)
on a sunday night
but hey
that's cool
someone will throw me a bone
soon
and if they don't
then what the fuck?
i keep going
it's all about endurance
i can't run a mile without stopping for a smoke
and i can't go a day, without a beer
surging through my system
but this is now
ten years from this spot
i won't write the same things
it'll be a different spot
with different people
and different lives
interweaving
it'll all be different
get it?
sure.
this is documentation
to look back
and see where i was
what i did
and how i did it
i
so many i's
i this
i that
i am here
you are there
i hate that too.
i'm sure you see it
i see it
but for me
this whole thing
isn't about attention
or acknowledgement
it's about keeping a track record
being able to look at it
and say,
"oh shit, i see it."
so don't indulge me
don't validate me
just let me
be
my
imperfect
aye!

some mornings,
you wake up
and it looks hopeless
then you look out the window,
searching for some kind of answer
out there with the cars, trees,
humans
no.
no answer out there.
so you crack a book, or search for a phrase
that will lighten the morning
nope
not there either.
some mornings,
you wake up,
and it looks hopeless,
but then you remember
that.
that....
uh...
there's no uplifting words to fill that in with.
you do it because you have to
and you must.
because you can't let this world get you down
you can't let people get you down
all you have to do
is outlast everyone
endurance
if you can stay awake just long enough
while these other hacks fall asleep
at the party
you'll be sober enough to drive home
while the sun comes up
and feel that morning frost
melt off you

Some Heavy Stuff Man

i can understand
why people don't enjoy my company
i tend to put weight on everything
value on most events and moments
high standards for people
and it's true
i ask a lot sometimes from people
but what i'm asking for is not unreasonable by any means.
decency
i cannot emphasize this word enough.
decency is easy
hold the door open
say thank you
smile every once in a while
shake hands
be sincere
ask about their lives
give change to the street folk
if you don't have change, give the guy a cigarette
or a pack of matches
or a goddamn acknowledgement
decency
its that easy
all i ask from people
is kindness
and i sit here in awe
because i can count the good people i know
on 3 fingers
we're losing the race here folks
time to catch up.