One for Karen

and as all the previous passengers gawked at our disgrace, we held our heads high above the water line gasping for every breath. i sank under for a minute to retrieve our bottle which hand sunk to the bottom of the tanker and through the water i could hear your frail gasp and whimpers for fresh drink. i have become triumphant i screamed! drink is here, consume my little one and fight off fatigue for another day! we are laying here remotely in a sea of despair with only our inner beings to fend off the dogs that attack the bay of our sanity! we are living in a world of fools and miserable pricks and somehow we still find the passion and desire to turn this world around on its ass.. i was sweating now as i recited this to her and her head still bobbing above the water line.. the passengers just turned their noses up at us and i screamed go fuck yourselves you dirty pricks, i got my lady and this bottle and it's going to take a lot more than a dirty look from your eyes to collapse my soul and break me into compartments. now hear me now people, you uninteresting souls! this is my woman, and i refuse to take any guff from you fucking swine! may the devil pick out my eyeballs and serve them on a platter to jesus christ himself for all i care! i will fight this until the end.
and then i kissed her
and she melted
when i emerged soaked and drenched from a voracious night of sexually desires my knees were jelly and my spine had become slightly curved.
i would never be the same again.
the sun would never beat down into me again and the rain would never be soaked into my trousers the same again, my vision and destitute would all be eradicated, the warmness washing over me in waves as i sat upon the stool in the middle of the street waiting for the cars to maneuver around me, cigarette dangling from my lips, and empty bottle still clenched in my fist, we had taken the night and made her roar with pure ecstasy and joy, no one could ever take that from us, those pail, fragile moments tucked away in the small crevice of that humongous apartment building, it would never be the same again, after something like this, a man expects this from every woman, and that, in turn, may be his downfall, for if something great is given to him at early time in his life he expects everything after that to be equally full of greatness or else you better raise the water level in the fucking tank! it's a good and a bad, a natural disaster for a young man full of lust and wine to compare any woman to the one before them, he will only swim in failure and let down after those events, and with each notch taken off of his belt, sanity will go with it.
now the water was rising in the tank and their kicks against the current were to no avail, i screamed to her, now leave my dear, you need to go away from here, you have plans and desires that cannot be fulfilled here, leave for the other coast and you will always live in a small part of my brain, you've carved out your own little piece.
but i will miss you she cried
and i as well i yelled
when shall i return?
whenever the water levels out and we can not displace so much of it at one time in one sitting in this one tank
she left then and the space dwindled, it was shallow in the tank now, and i stood there, empty bottle, broken cigarette, and shivering from cold
i was alone again
and it was time to once again search for another one to displace the tank
until she returned
and who knows when that will be?
not her
and not me

Highball

every night
thousands of young men
sit in their dingy apartments
drinking highballs
those same young men
lets call them "loners"
have their own special chair
they go for it on typewriters, laptops
old dirty desktop computers
with keys missing on their keyboards
they wallow in self loathing, despair, pity
and miserable anguish
which is all pointless
and only prolongs their alone time
it feels rewarding for them, to suffer a bit,
to sweat and toil for nothing
only so they have something to put down
on paper
they drink late into the night, approaching morning hours
with great apprehension
and as the cloud of dust settles over
their drunken bodies passed out on floor mattresses
they awake to the first baking sun beam flowing
through their windows frying and scrambling
their misery
clawing relentlessly at their hearts
feeling worthless and alone
they punch in and punch out
only to follow their same routine
hoping that someone will come save them.
that something in that outside world will notice them
and shatter their walls in hopes of a savior
hey
guys
guess what?
it's the same out here
so what are we all crying for?

Panda the Dog

There is no answer
to anything
it's all very vague
arbitrary
that's the point though
we've been granted with different brains
people pass through life
some stay
some go
aye
that's the nature of the beast right?
right.
you lose an arm
but you keep going
you lose face
but you keep going
i'll never end my life
i wouldn't give you all that satisfaction
of knowing that life beat me
because...
shit...
it ain't that bad
sometimes i'm feeling down
sometimes high
but that's the nature of the beast.
right?
right.
i look at myself
single at 24
drinking beer
watching movies
eating cold pizza (thank you brother)
on a sunday night
but hey
that's cool
someone will throw me a bone
soon
and if they don't
then what the fuck?
i keep going
it's all about endurance
i can't run a mile without stopping for a smoke
and i can't go a day, without a beer
surging through my system
but this is now
ten years from this spot
i won't write the same things
it'll be a different spot
with different people
and different lives
interweaving
it'll all be different
get it?
sure.
this is documentation
to look back
and see where i was
what i did
and how i did it
i
so many i's
i this
i that
i am here
you are there
i hate that too.
i'm sure you see it
i see it
but for me
this whole thing
isn't about attention
or acknowledgement
it's about keeping a track record
being able to look at it
and say,
"oh shit, i see it."
so don't indulge me
don't validate me
just let me
be
my
imperfect
aye!

some mornings,
you wake up
and it looks hopeless
then you look out the window,
searching for some kind of answer
out there with the cars, trees,
humans
no.
no answer out there.
so you crack a book, or search for a phrase
that will lighten the morning
nope
not there either.
some mornings,
you wake up,
and it looks hopeless,
but then you remember
that.
that....
uh...
there's no uplifting words to fill that in with.
you do it because you have to
and you must.
because you can't let this world get you down
you can't let people get you down
all you have to do
is outlast everyone
endurance
if you can stay awake just long enough
while these other hacks fall asleep
at the party
you'll be sober enough to drive home
while the sun comes up
and feel that morning frost
melt off you

Some Heavy Stuff Man

i can understand
why people don't enjoy my company
i tend to put weight on everything
value on most events and moments
high standards for people
and it's true
i ask a lot sometimes from people
but what i'm asking for is not unreasonable by any means.
decency
i cannot emphasize this word enough.
decency is easy
hold the door open
say thank you
smile every once in a while
shake hands
be sincere
ask about their lives
give change to the street folk
if you don't have change, give the guy a cigarette
or a pack of matches
or a goddamn acknowledgement
decency
its that easy
all i ask from people
is kindness
and i sit here in awe
because i can count the good people i know
on 3 fingers
we're losing the race here folks
time to catch up.

all You have Is Time

the time wasn't then
it wasn't the time then
and the time isn't now
because you're in another place now
but when we were back there, it felt like the time for me
back there wasn't the time for you?
ok i get it now.
how bout now?
no. not the time either?
we did have some good times though right?
back then i mean.
yeah.
well when will it be the time? you think maybe sometime soon?
i don't really know, times change, you get it right?
understand you mean?
yes?
not this time.
time is on our side
yes. this is true
but sometime from now, maybe in the next 50 years, the time will be right and we can spend more time together.
more time together you say?
yeah, well, right now is the time for someone else, and once i'm done wasting time with them, then i'll see that time is catching up with me and it'll be the time for you and i.
hmmmm
so it's a question of time right?
i think if the time wasn't then, then the time will never be now, or any time from now.
but there's not telling when the time is right, it just happens.

this is true, but if the time didn't happen back there, when the timing felt right, then the time will never be right again.

so why waste our fucking time?

http://www.shutfthefuckupplease.com

hey
brain!
shut the fuck up huh?
it's 4 am now
and i'm trying to get down to bed
a little sleep
but you don't seem to want that
you keep talking
and running
slow down just for a bit
because the body is crying for a break
so hey
brain
i don't like it when we're half asleep
and you start babbling on about
how to put the screen back on the window
in the most efficient way
or how to tuck the blankets into the side of the bed
so they don't get pulled out
in the middle of the night
can we please both stop starring at the shadows
slow dancing on the ceiling
so hey
you
brain
now that i think about it
keep giving me these thoughts
because at least you're operating effectively
and firing on all cylinders
which is more than i can say
for 90% of the people that pass
in front of our eyes
so keep them thoughts coming
we'll find a way to cope