you can't go back
and have
what you had
you'd be a fool
to think that
i do it too sometimes
and you can't
make everything alright
because nothing is suppose to be alright
if it was
then we'd have nothing to fight for
nothing to complain about
i do it too sometimes
think everything is alright
many people don't like me
that's fine
i don't like many people
so i get it
eventually
i'll grow out of this
like we all grow out of everything
and i'll be fat
old
married
balder
with many many children
running around my house
barefoot
causing mayhem
making me want to rip my face off
but they'll do things
and i'll look at them
and say,
"hot damn, this is the good life."
smile
and drink my orange juice like a good boy
my wife will love me
because i don't say much
all the fight got sucked out of me
i'll sell lots of books
and people will call me a sell out
a cheater
a hypocrite
they'll come over to my house and drink
good scotch
and play chess with the old dead beat
and i'll look back
at my twenties
and say
"boy was i rotten"
or maybe i'll never sell a book in my life
and continue working the word
until i collapse
onto my desk
with a pen clutched in my hand
alone
dead
cold
because everyone thought i was bad
negative
damaged
malfunctioning
i got news for you
we're all bad
damaged
and malfunctioning
some more than others
i said it before
and i'll say it again
none of you owe me anything
don't be nice because you have to
do it because you want to
and if you can't stand to be around me
then go away
and let me do this
alone
i can let people in
but don't expect to come in
and dance
on my heart
and then walk out
the same way you came in
it's true
i do point out the negatives in life
i say,
"oh look! a turd! a beautiful turd!"
so that whoever is with me
if they're with me
won't step on it
like i did
or others before you did
as well
hate me
allow me
to let you down
because you don't really care
anyway.
this life
is
too
positive
sometimes
that
the ugly
is left
alone
unattended
to grow
and copulate
without notice
please
don't step
on that turd
you would of missed it
the beautiful turd
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I Am the Fuel so Feed to Me the Fire
"i love you"
"i love you too"
i sat up for minute and looked back at her over my shoulder. she was laying there starring at the ceiling.
"what do we do now?"
"i dunno."
"am i suppose to make you a sandwich? thats what they always do on T.V.."
"sure. i'd like a sandwich"
she got up and started putting her clothes back on. i looked at her differently now, her body wasn't any longer a mystery to me. for so long i wondered what was under that blouse, under that jean skirt. it was all strange to me, i had seen naked women on Cinemax and i use to sit in my room with the headphones on watching porn, but this was way different, i had a girl right in front of me, everything there for the taking. it felt good to finally be here. to have this finally happen. i wondered if this made me a man now? or just a boy with a toy?
i ran my hand along her back, just letting my finger tips graze her skin.
she shivered
"ohh don't do that, it makes me feel weird"
"uh. ok."
then she walked out the door
i was sixteen, a fat kid with a pimpled face and spiked hair. never drank heavily before in my life, never smoked a cigarette or shot a gun.
but i had sex for the first time.
and that was nice.
Sophia was great.
Sophia.
My First.
A few weeks later we were sitting around eating shrimp cocktails at this shitty seafood place up the block.
"i want you to meet my dad"
"ok"
"can i tell you something"
i popped another shrimp in my mouth
"course babe"
"my dad isn't like your dad. your dads great, he loves you very much, and he's got such a kind face."
"you obviously don't know him like i do"
"shut up!"
she playfully reached over the table and punched me in the arm
"but for real though, my dad has a lot of mood swings, and he's mean sometimes and sometimes he's like a big teddy bear, so if he starts acting weird just be nice ok?"
"of course"
"you love me right?"
i was starring at the girl behind Sophia eating and there was a book on the table next to her tacos. she was older, like in her 20's, and had these huge tits that she would rest on the table when she looked down to read her book. hands running up towards that mass of black hair. i started getting hard right there in the shitty seafood place.
"Jeremy!"
"what?"
"i asked if you love me?"
"look, stop being all paranoid..."
i was fingering the last shrimp wondering if she was going to take it, god i was fucking hungry.
"i'll be cool, i'm not scared or anything, and i think it's a good step for us, i mean you've already met my parents, and your mom seems cool enough. i love you babe, you know that, and if it brings us closer together by having me meet your dad then lets do it!"
"ok. tomorrow?"
"sure. (whatever)"
the next day was Saturday and i woke up with a weird feeling. a hollow feeling in my stomach, like if i had drank way too much coffee. putting on my best shirt and a clean pair of dickies i walked over to her house. dragging my feet the whole way. i practiced what i would say to her dad, how i would respond to his meanness or hatred towards me. i understood that he understood i had my penis all over his virgin daughter. in her mouth, between her tits, in her vagina, and eventually, over time, she'd have it in her ass (true story).
i walked up to the door and heard shouting coming from inside, the door was slightly open and i knocked a couple times. Sophia came over in her sweat pants and her hair tied up and let me in. her father was sitting on the couch, and the t.v. was at such a high volume that i started wondering if this guy was deaf, or maybe he just liked watching soccer games this loud because it made him feel like he was at the stadium.
the following conversation took place mostly in spanish, but i've translated it some for you gringos (white folk) out there.
"papi, i want you to meet my boyfriend Jeremy"
"hola senor."
he didn't say hi, he just starred at me like he was the lion and i was a cub begging for scraps. his hair was grey and cut short, he had the old school cholo mustache and a unbuttoned flannel shirt. his jeans were rolled up so you could see the star on his high top converse. he looked like a tough mother fucker, his face was cut from stone, and his eyes would narrow and he'd rub his hands together.
he put out his hand
i gave him a firm handshake and looked straight into his eyes.
"sit down."
i sat there with my hands on my legs as Sophia went back into the kitchen.
he looked over at me and put his hand on my leg, turning the tv down he turned towards me and came close to my face.
"she tells me you're a nice boy, treats her well, walk her to school everyday and wait for her when she gets out of work... i don't like my daughters hanging out with cabrones (assholes). You're not a cabron are you?"
"no senor"
"do you love her?"
"i do, very much, she is my best friend and my companion, we do everything together."
"everything?"
fuck. i shouldn't of said that, now he's going to ask me if we had sex, and what do i say? be honest and say yes? or should i lie and say no? but if i lie and he finds out then i'm really in trouble...
just then Sophia walked over and asked me if i wanted something to drink
"just water, thanks babe."
"no" - her father had this way of speaking, it went in waves, it would start with a growl and pitch high in the middle, then end with a slow drawn out word.
"you drink beer?"
"no" - i had taken the occasional beer bong shot, and drank some of my parents liquor, but i hadn't ever drank in front of an adult.
"what are you? some kind of chavala? (sissy)"
before i could answer he shouted to Sophia in the kitchen to bring me a beer. she walked over and i could tell by her fake smile she was hoping i didn't fuck any of this up. for both our sakes.
"thank you" - i smiled warmly, to make her feel comfortable and know that everything was cool.
"today is Saturday, in this house, my house, the woman clean, cook, and serve us, the men, this is how my father did it, and this is how i do it"
he reached over and cracked my beer for me
"salud"
"salud"
"what do we cheers to?"
"you and your wife and this house"
"simon' (fuck yes)"
"now, Jeremy, i want to ask you something."
"yes?"
"do you like soccer?"
"not really"
"why?"
"i like american football, because it's a lot more contact, and similar to chess, you need a battle plan and have to come out with ways to psych the other opponent out, it's a mental game with human pawns, it's also very fun to play (this is the part where i thought i would impress him) i play first string center and first string nose guard, so i'm in the middle of all the mess with things go down, it's such a mental game, you have to pay attention to everything, you have to be completely wide open, eyes, mind, body, everything."
"so no soccer?"
"no."
"what are you? some kind of chavala? soccer is a real sport, not that shitty american football, that's just a bunch of fags on the field playing with each other, jacking each other off in the locker room and smoking dope.. you don't smoke dope.. do you?"
"no senor"
"good, that shit fucks up your brain chemistry.. cigarettes?"
"no senor"
"what are you? some kind of chavala? real men smoke cigarettes, look at me, i have been smoking since i was 14 and i'm strong like a goddamn bull."
he kept calling me a sissy and it was beginning to really infuriate me, i took bigger and loner sips of my beer hoping that if i had enough to drink, this stupid fucking cabron would become tolerable.. suddenly the anger dissipated because i thought about Sophia's ass and tits in my face, her sweet taste and the way it felt when i slid my penis into her. ahh the fucking joys of life, sweet sweet vagina. paradise for a sixteen year old. if i could crawl up in there and take a nap i probably would.
"hey"
"yes"
"what the fuck are you smiling about?"
"i'm having fun sitting here with you sir, my dads not really around much."
"yeah well i'm always around. (that part was true, he didn't have a job) and cut this sir shit out, call me Robert."
"ok Roberto"
he eased up a bit and we just sat there drinking. Sophia would bring us beers and snacks periodically. when Roberto got mad at the t.v. he'd yell, "you're a bunch of fucking chavalas! good for nothing swine." after a few more beers i noticed how many empty cans were on the coffee table when i got up to pee. i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, i had been lost out there for some time, i wanted to get along so that my girl could be happy, but this wasn't making me happy at all, i strangely felt like i was losing something, it was being sucked out of me, taken from me. but what was it i was losing?
"Mijo, we've drank all this beer and it's only half time, drive me to the liquor store!"
i must be on his good side, he just called me son.
"i can't drive, i feel drunk."
"what are you? some kind of chavala?.......... nah horse shit, you've just been sitting down for too long and your balls have gone numb. come on, lets go."
he walked out the door and Sophia rubbed my back.
"i don't want to do this."
"please baby, you don't understand, when he gets mad no one can talk to him, and he won't leave, he shouts and picks on us, sometimes he fights with Elias (her little brother)."
she put her head down, then her voice went up a pitch
"... and the other day, he, he, he threw a beer bottle"
"at who?"
"at Paola (her younger sister)"
"does he do things to you?"
"no, not really, mostly the others, but if you're here he's ok. he likes you"
i didn't know what to do, i wanted to help Sophia, i loved her so much but i felt trapped. i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be this guys new friend. if i could just get Sophia out of here, if we could find a place to be together without disruption, parents, school, anything, just a place for us to hold each other in the sun and sleep together at night, our bodies entangled with the blankets and my arms wrapped tight around her, providing her with security and love.
i walked out the door and tried to make it over to the car. i was feeling pretty buzzed and i barely knew how to drive. Roberto was sitting in the car singing along to Pink Floyd's "Money" and drumming on his thighs. i backed out of their driveway and ran my hand through my hair.
"yeah, we make you a man today, you drink and smoke, maybe have a little fun, you're an okay kid in my book."
---yeah really? fuck your book you prick, you treat your family so horrible, i wonder how such a pure being like Sophia came from your evil, deranged, crazy goddamn seed.
-- i kinda liked him. aside from all of his macho bullshit, he had this presence about the way he was around other people, he was like a giant push forward, like when you're standing in the super market zoning out on the canned food and somebody hits you from behind right under the ankle.. it makes you turn around and open your eyes.
we drove with the radio turned up a little louder than i liked, but boy was Roberto having fun, his Tecate can snuggled between his legs in a paper bag as he slapped his thighs and moved his head around in the air like Stevie Wonder. i wondered how much of his day was spent doing all this?
i waited in the car for him in front of the liquor store. Getting in the car, he pulled out a bunch of candy from his coat pockets.
"you like candy Jeremy?"
"yeah. sure"
"what kind?"
"jolly ranchers."
"what? fuck that. you some kind of chavala? here, eat a mango lollipop covered in chili powder, it'll put a little fire in your gut."
i sucked on the candy for a bit, and i loved the sour/spicy feeling it gave my mouth. i looked over and he was pushing the tip of a cigarette down into a container, like packing the end of it with something. without looking up at me he casually said, "keep your eyes on the road"
he lit the cigarette and took a few puffs, then passed it over to me.
"no, no, thank you, i'm okay"
"smoke it"
"i don't smoke, i don't like it."
"Jeremy, you love my daughter?"
"of course Roberto"
"well, i'd hate to see you do something bad to mess that up. maybe you turn down something that i'm trying to share with you and it makes me rethink our situation, i only want my daughter to date the finest men, the best men possible, and right now, you aren't much of a man, but we can work on that, you have a good heart, a good brain, now we can make you strong."
he slammed his fist against his chest.
fuck me. i knew what he was getting at. if i didn't do any of this shit he'd think i was some kind of punk ass and wouldn't let Sophia out of the house. i took a hit off the cigarette and thats when i knew what he was packing the end with. it was weed. he was packing the end of the cigarette with weed.
"you like the cigarette?"
"yes, it taste good"
"that's right, we've got some work to do, but when you're done, you'll be just like me."
"great"
"Jeremy, you ever hit a woman?"
"no, i think that's the worst thing you can do."
"well, let me tell you something, woman are like small animals, they're pretty, soft, they have small brains, not very smart, and sometimes they do things, stupid things, and you, as the man, you have to start at the beginning, at the point right where they do the stupid thing, you hit them, not hard, maybe just a pinch to start, but you associate the feeling of pain with mistakes, and i'll tell you, they won't do those things anymore. a la mula y a la mujer, a palos se ha de vencer" (with the mule and woman, they both learn with sticks.)
he handed me a beer and told me to take the last hit off the cigarette. i was sixteen, drunk driving with a beer can in one hand, no license, and a cigarette with traces of weed in my mouth. sixteen year olds shouldn't be doing this. we should be playing football in the street, or going to the mall, or playing miniature golf and hanging out at the movies.
this was my life for the next 5 years. i'd come over and hang out with Roberto until he drank himself to sleep, and then i would sneak into the room with Sophia and watch t.v. on her small single sized bed. sometimes we'd make out, but we kept most of our sexual adventures going on over at my house. love had a strong hold on us. only something like that would make me put up with someone like Roberto.
i started taking beers home with me and drinking them on the walk over while i smoked Marlboro Red's. usually when i got back home my parents were in their room and i'd shut my door to be alone for awhile. i'd sit in my room with everything off except a lamp. just sit there in silence sucking on a beer and starring at the floor. i felt like my brain had melted inside of my skull and there was a light film over my eyes. i was losing weight and my football coach was on my ass about my lax attitude. i just stopped caring. football didn't mean shit to me, i hated most of those people anyway. i wanted to sit in my room, in silence, with no one to bother me, and drink beer with a cigarette in the other hand. i had done my homework.
One day when i went over Roberto was out. probably scoring weed or drinking with his auto shop buddies.
Sophia answered the door and we walked over to the table and sat down for a little while.
"papi really likes you, and it seems like you guys get along. he's nice to me now."
"yeah. sure... can i have a beer?"
she turned her head sideways for a minute and narrowed her eyes.
"yes baby" she walked over to the fridge, "are we going to see my sister tomorrow? i want to see the new baby."
"ugh"
her older sister just had a baby. everyone was so happy, but i just kinda stood around wondering what everyone was so happy about. great. another kid born into poverty, with two parents who have only known each other for about 6 months, and the best part was that Roberto hated her older sisters boyfriend. they had a fistfight a week earlier and this wasn't exactly the right time to bring a child into this family.
one day we were in my truck, the three of us, Sophia, her sister Mariam, and me, and Mariam asked Sophia why we haven't had a kid yet.
"this guy doesn't want to"
"how come you don't want to Jeremy?"
"i don't think we're ready, we need our own place, we need to be independent of our parents."
Mariam turned towards Sophia
"you know what you should do?"
"hmmm"
"you should get him drunk, like really drunk, and then have sex without a condom, that's how i got Barry to do it, and then like magic, poof, i was pregnant."
"yeah, i know huh?"
i wanted to drive that truck right into a fucking lamp post. this world doesn't deserve people like that floating around on it, people who can do that to another person and not even have an ounce of regret, guilt, or sorrow in them. i felt bad for Barry, the guy was a prick, but fuck, i wish he had a better half. because this chick was straight evil sent from the devil. Mariam was polluting Sophia's brain with this stuff and i started wondering what other things she was teaching her when i wasn't around. i didn't like this one bit.
thats when i started looking for my way out
but i was already too deep. too involved. i had become her little sisters godfather for christ sake. i couldn't go anywhere. i was trapped. forever. i started spending more time in my room with beer and cigarettes, sometimes i'd hike up into the mountains behind my house and sit there smoking and drinking until i couldn't feel anymore, wishing that i could disappear into the night air and be carried away to different parts of the world.
i came over to Sophia's house one day and as i was crossing their lawn i heard loud shouting, and things being moved around. i walked up and Sophia was at the door with her little sister behind her.
"Papi and Elias are fighting!"
i walked in and the living room looked like a bomb hit it. there was a hole in the t.v. and the couch was flipped over. there were beer cans all scattered around and the coffee table was broken in half. there was Roberto standing in the middle, with one of the coffee table legs in his hands beating Elias who was on the ground in a ball crying.
"Roberto"
"oh, look who came to join the party, its my whore daughters punk ass boyfriend. leave before i get you next!"
he was sweating and his face was bright red, his eyes were wild. Roberto was on something, some drug. i knew he was.
i had driven him downtown to score drugs a few times, we'd creep down Los Angeles Street until he saw his guy, at which point he'd jump out of the car and i'd meet him around the corner. he never offered me any of the hard stuff, just the cigarettes with weed tips, nothing major. whenever we got home he'd go sit in the backyard and do whatever it was he bought, nobody went out there for at least 4 hours and Sophia would leave an ice chest with beer by the backdoor for him. Keep daddy happy, don't let daddy flip out, be good to daddy..
"i'm leaving Roberto"
"ok chavala"
Sophia grabbed my arm as i was heading out the door, i motioned for her to go outside with me.
"don't leave!"
"i'm not, but he needs to think i'm leaving so he can calm down, i'll sit out here and if he gets really crazy call me and i'll come in."
"promise?"
"baby, i'll never leave you, i love you, you know that"
"i love you too"
tears were coming down her face. real Gone With the Wind style. i sat with my back against the wall and waited. i heard him yelling at them. calling them mistakes, and whores, and good for nothing swine, he called Elias a puta and told him that he was a mistake. Elias didn't like that and it got real quiet suddenly. then Sophia called my name and i stood at the door. Roberto was on top of Elias with his hands wrapped around his neck. Elias was beginning to turn purple and i knew i had to do something. i snuck up behind him and called out his name.
"ROBERTO!"
i reached back and put all of my anger for him and others like him into my fist, all of the name calling, all of the pressure that he gave me and i let it all fly towards him. my fist landed right on his temple and he fell over on the floor. he tried to get up and was mumbling, stumbling around like a fool, but he never made it to his feet, he collapsed there on the floor in the living room, amongst the beer cans. seemed just.
after that Sophia and i didn't get along at all. i think she resented me for hitting her father and i wasn't allowed over at the house anymore. She started cheating on me and purposely pushing my buttons to get me angry. i couldn't blame her.. it wasn't her fault, she was born and raised a certain way, and her father had beaten the love out of her, her sister had made her a lying, deceiving, sneaky girl and i couldn't save all of them. i just wanted to save myself, but little by little, things started falling apart, and finally, we were just two empty shells of humans sitting alone in opposite sides of the city.
there's no lesson here. no real point or moral to draw from this. I see Roberto from time to time riding is bike around town, but he doesn't acknowledge me, so i just pretend like i don't see him either. maybe it's easier for him that way? maybe he just doesn't really care? i don't know and i don't think it matters, not to him, and not to me.
if anything this is a story about how important those years between 16 and 21 are. i should of been going on dates, getting ready for college, learning how to socialize correctly and become a responsible adult.
instead i would sit around with an aging drunk watching soccer and driving him to the liquor store when i had no business being in a car. whenever i was home i'd sit in my room with my favorite lamp on, some Tecates, a pack of Marlboro's and a stack of books and stay up late into the night. sometimes i'd write, but it would all be very vague and pointless.
Sophia is happy now, she finally had a baby and lives out near Arcadia. we seldom talk. her little sister Paola also has a baby and her younger sister Eve has a baby boy. a family filled with little bundles of joy. i'm happy for them. actually, honestly, i am happy, because i'm no longer apart of that, so i'm actually really happy for myself. which matters most.. because in the end, it's just me and this brain. and if i lose him, then i really have lost.
"i love you too"
i sat up for minute and looked back at her over my shoulder. she was laying there starring at the ceiling.
"what do we do now?"
"i dunno."
"am i suppose to make you a sandwich? thats what they always do on T.V.."
"sure. i'd like a sandwich"
she got up and started putting her clothes back on. i looked at her differently now, her body wasn't any longer a mystery to me. for so long i wondered what was under that blouse, under that jean skirt. it was all strange to me, i had seen naked women on Cinemax and i use to sit in my room with the headphones on watching porn, but this was way different, i had a girl right in front of me, everything there for the taking. it felt good to finally be here. to have this finally happen. i wondered if this made me a man now? or just a boy with a toy?
i ran my hand along her back, just letting my finger tips graze her skin.
she shivered
"ohh don't do that, it makes me feel weird"
"uh. ok."
then she walked out the door
i was sixteen, a fat kid with a pimpled face and spiked hair. never drank heavily before in my life, never smoked a cigarette or shot a gun.
but i had sex for the first time.
and that was nice.
Sophia was great.
Sophia.
My First.
A few weeks later we were sitting around eating shrimp cocktails at this shitty seafood place up the block.
"i want you to meet my dad"
"ok"
"can i tell you something"
i popped another shrimp in my mouth
"course babe"
"my dad isn't like your dad. your dads great, he loves you very much, and he's got such a kind face."
"you obviously don't know him like i do"
"shut up!"
she playfully reached over the table and punched me in the arm
"but for real though, my dad has a lot of mood swings, and he's mean sometimes and sometimes he's like a big teddy bear, so if he starts acting weird just be nice ok?"
"of course"
"you love me right?"
i was starring at the girl behind Sophia eating and there was a book on the table next to her tacos. she was older, like in her 20's, and had these huge tits that she would rest on the table when she looked down to read her book. hands running up towards that mass of black hair. i started getting hard right there in the shitty seafood place.
"Jeremy!"
"what?"
"i asked if you love me?"
"look, stop being all paranoid..."
i was fingering the last shrimp wondering if she was going to take it, god i was fucking hungry.
"i'll be cool, i'm not scared or anything, and i think it's a good step for us, i mean you've already met my parents, and your mom seems cool enough. i love you babe, you know that, and if it brings us closer together by having me meet your dad then lets do it!"
"ok. tomorrow?"
"sure. (whatever)"
the next day was Saturday and i woke up with a weird feeling. a hollow feeling in my stomach, like if i had drank way too much coffee. putting on my best shirt and a clean pair of dickies i walked over to her house. dragging my feet the whole way. i practiced what i would say to her dad, how i would respond to his meanness or hatred towards me. i understood that he understood i had my penis all over his virgin daughter. in her mouth, between her tits, in her vagina, and eventually, over time, she'd have it in her ass (true story).
i walked up to the door and heard shouting coming from inside, the door was slightly open and i knocked a couple times. Sophia came over in her sweat pants and her hair tied up and let me in. her father was sitting on the couch, and the t.v. was at such a high volume that i started wondering if this guy was deaf, or maybe he just liked watching soccer games this loud because it made him feel like he was at the stadium.
the following conversation took place mostly in spanish, but i've translated it some for you gringos (white folk) out there.
"papi, i want you to meet my boyfriend Jeremy"
"hola senor."
he didn't say hi, he just starred at me like he was the lion and i was a cub begging for scraps. his hair was grey and cut short, he had the old school cholo mustache and a unbuttoned flannel shirt. his jeans were rolled up so you could see the star on his high top converse. he looked like a tough mother fucker, his face was cut from stone, and his eyes would narrow and he'd rub his hands together.
he put out his hand
i gave him a firm handshake and looked straight into his eyes.
"sit down."
i sat there with my hands on my legs as Sophia went back into the kitchen.
he looked over at me and put his hand on my leg, turning the tv down he turned towards me and came close to my face.
"she tells me you're a nice boy, treats her well, walk her to school everyday and wait for her when she gets out of work... i don't like my daughters hanging out with cabrones (assholes). You're not a cabron are you?"
"no senor"
"do you love her?"
"i do, very much, she is my best friend and my companion, we do everything together."
"everything?"
fuck. i shouldn't of said that, now he's going to ask me if we had sex, and what do i say? be honest and say yes? or should i lie and say no? but if i lie and he finds out then i'm really in trouble...
just then Sophia walked over and asked me if i wanted something to drink
"just water, thanks babe."
"no" - her father had this way of speaking, it went in waves, it would start with a growl and pitch high in the middle, then end with a slow drawn out word.
"you drink beer?"
"no" - i had taken the occasional beer bong shot, and drank some of my parents liquor, but i hadn't ever drank in front of an adult.
"what are you? some kind of chavala? (sissy)"
before i could answer he shouted to Sophia in the kitchen to bring me a beer. she walked over and i could tell by her fake smile she was hoping i didn't fuck any of this up. for both our sakes.
"thank you" - i smiled warmly, to make her feel comfortable and know that everything was cool.
"today is Saturday, in this house, my house, the woman clean, cook, and serve us, the men, this is how my father did it, and this is how i do it"
he reached over and cracked my beer for me
"salud"
"salud"
"what do we cheers to?"
"you and your wife and this house"
"simon' (fuck yes)"
"now, Jeremy, i want to ask you something."
"yes?"
"do you like soccer?"
"not really"
"why?"
"i like american football, because it's a lot more contact, and similar to chess, you need a battle plan and have to come out with ways to psych the other opponent out, it's a mental game with human pawns, it's also very fun to play (this is the part where i thought i would impress him) i play first string center and first string nose guard, so i'm in the middle of all the mess with things go down, it's such a mental game, you have to pay attention to everything, you have to be completely wide open, eyes, mind, body, everything."
"so no soccer?"
"no."
"what are you? some kind of chavala? soccer is a real sport, not that shitty american football, that's just a bunch of fags on the field playing with each other, jacking each other off in the locker room and smoking dope.. you don't smoke dope.. do you?"
"no senor"
"good, that shit fucks up your brain chemistry.. cigarettes?"
"no senor"
"what are you? some kind of chavala? real men smoke cigarettes, look at me, i have been smoking since i was 14 and i'm strong like a goddamn bull."
he kept calling me a sissy and it was beginning to really infuriate me, i took bigger and loner sips of my beer hoping that if i had enough to drink, this stupid fucking cabron would become tolerable.. suddenly the anger dissipated because i thought about Sophia's ass and tits in my face, her sweet taste and the way it felt when i slid my penis into her. ahh the fucking joys of life, sweet sweet vagina. paradise for a sixteen year old. if i could crawl up in there and take a nap i probably would.
"hey"
"yes"
"what the fuck are you smiling about?"
"i'm having fun sitting here with you sir, my dads not really around much."
"yeah well i'm always around. (that part was true, he didn't have a job) and cut this sir shit out, call me Robert."
"ok Roberto"
he eased up a bit and we just sat there drinking. Sophia would bring us beers and snacks periodically. when Roberto got mad at the t.v. he'd yell, "you're a bunch of fucking chavalas! good for nothing swine." after a few more beers i noticed how many empty cans were on the coffee table when i got up to pee. i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, i had been lost out there for some time, i wanted to get along so that my girl could be happy, but this wasn't making me happy at all, i strangely felt like i was losing something, it was being sucked out of me, taken from me. but what was it i was losing?
"Mijo, we've drank all this beer and it's only half time, drive me to the liquor store!"
i must be on his good side, he just called me son.
"i can't drive, i feel drunk."
"what are you? some kind of chavala?.......... nah horse shit, you've just been sitting down for too long and your balls have gone numb. come on, lets go."
he walked out the door and Sophia rubbed my back.
"i don't want to do this."
"please baby, you don't understand, when he gets mad no one can talk to him, and he won't leave, he shouts and picks on us, sometimes he fights with Elias (her little brother)."
she put her head down, then her voice went up a pitch
"... and the other day, he, he, he threw a beer bottle"
"at who?"
"at Paola (her younger sister)"
"does he do things to you?"
"no, not really, mostly the others, but if you're here he's ok. he likes you"
i didn't know what to do, i wanted to help Sophia, i loved her so much but i felt trapped. i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to be this guys new friend. if i could just get Sophia out of here, if we could find a place to be together without disruption, parents, school, anything, just a place for us to hold each other in the sun and sleep together at night, our bodies entangled with the blankets and my arms wrapped tight around her, providing her with security and love.
i walked out the door and tried to make it over to the car. i was feeling pretty buzzed and i barely knew how to drive. Roberto was sitting in the car singing along to Pink Floyd's "Money" and drumming on his thighs. i backed out of their driveway and ran my hand through my hair.
"yeah, we make you a man today, you drink and smoke, maybe have a little fun, you're an okay kid in my book."
---yeah really? fuck your book you prick, you treat your family so horrible, i wonder how such a pure being like Sophia came from your evil, deranged, crazy goddamn seed.
-- i kinda liked him. aside from all of his macho bullshit, he had this presence about the way he was around other people, he was like a giant push forward, like when you're standing in the super market zoning out on the canned food and somebody hits you from behind right under the ankle.. it makes you turn around and open your eyes.
we drove with the radio turned up a little louder than i liked, but boy was Roberto having fun, his Tecate can snuggled between his legs in a paper bag as he slapped his thighs and moved his head around in the air like Stevie Wonder. i wondered how much of his day was spent doing all this?
i waited in the car for him in front of the liquor store. Getting in the car, he pulled out a bunch of candy from his coat pockets.
"you like candy Jeremy?"
"yeah. sure"
"what kind?"
"jolly ranchers."
"what? fuck that. you some kind of chavala? here, eat a mango lollipop covered in chili powder, it'll put a little fire in your gut."
i sucked on the candy for a bit, and i loved the sour/spicy feeling it gave my mouth. i looked over and he was pushing the tip of a cigarette down into a container, like packing the end of it with something. without looking up at me he casually said, "keep your eyes on the road"
he lit the cigarette and took a few puffs, then passed it over to me.
"no, no, thank you, i'm okay"
"smoke it"
"i don't smoke, i don't like it."
"Jeremy, you love my daughter?"
"of course Roberto"
"well, i'd hate to see you do something bad to mess that up. maybe you turn down something that i'm trying to share with you and it makes me rethink our situation, i only want my daughter to date the finest men, the best men possible, and right now, you aren't much of a man, but we can work on that, you have a good heart, a good brain, now we can make you strong."
he slammed his fist against his chest.
fuck me. i knew what he was getting at. if i didn't do any of this shit he'd think i was some kind of punk ass and wouldn't let Sophia out of the house. i took a hit off the cigarette and thats when i knew what he was packing the end with. it was weed. he was packing the end of the cigarette with weed.
"you like the cigarette?"
"yes, it taste good"
"that's right, we've got some work to do, but when you're done, you'll be just like me."
"great"
"Jeremy, you ever hit a woman?"
"no, i think that's the worst thing you can do."
"well, let me tell you something, woman are like small animals, they're pretty, soft, they have small brains, not very smart, and sometimes they do things, stupid things, and you, as the man, you have to start at the beginning, at the point right where they do the stupid thing, you hit them, not hard, maybe just a pinch to start, but you associate the feeling of pain with mistakes, and i'll tell you, they won't do those things anymore. a la mula y a la mujer, a palos se ha de vencer" (with the mule and woman, they both learn with sticks.)
he handed me a beer and told me to take the last hit off the cigarette. i was sixteen, drunk driving with a beer can in one hand, no license, and a cigarette with traces of weed in my mouth. sixteen year olds shouldn't be doing this. we should be playing football in the street, or going to the mall, or playing miniature golf and hanging out at the movies.
this was my life for the next 5 years. i'd come over and hang out with Roberto until he drank himself to sleep, and then i would sneak into the room with Sophia and watch t.v. on her small single sized bed. sometimes we'd make out, but we kept most of our sexual adventures going on over at my house. love had a strong hold on us. only something like that would make me put up with someone like Roberto.
i started taking beers home with me and drinking them on the walk over while i smoked Marlboro Red's. usually when i got back home my parents were in their room and i'd shut my door to be alone for awhile. i'd sit in my room with everything off except a lamp. just sit there in silence sucking on a beer and starring at the floor. i felt like my brain had melted inside of my skull and there was a light film over my eyes. i was losing weight and my football coach was on my ass about my lax attitude. i just stopped caring. football didn't mean shit to me, i hated most of those people anyway. i wanted to sit in my room, in silence, with no one to bother me, and drink beer with a cigarette in the other hand. i had done my homework.
One day when i went over Roberto was out. probably scoring weed or drinking with his auto shop buddies.
Sophia answered the door and we walked over to the table and sat down for a little while.
"papi really likes you, and it seems like you guys get along. he's nice to me now."
"yeah. sure... can i have a beer?"
she turned her head sideways for a minute and narrowed her eyes.
"yes baby" she walked over to the fridge, "are we going to see my sister tomorrow? i want to see the new baby."
"ugh"
her older sister just had a baby. everyone was so happy, but i just kinda stood around wondering what everyone was so happy about. great. another kid born into poverty, with two parents who have only known each other for about 6 months, and the best part was that Roberto hated her older sisters boyfriend. they had a fistfight a week earlier and this wasn't exactly the right time to bring a child into this family.
one day we were in my truck, the three of us, Sophia, her sister Mariam, and me, and Mariam asked Sophia why we haven't had a kid yet.
"this guy doesn't want to"
"how come you don't want to Jeremy?"
"i don't think we're ready, we need our own place, we need to be independent of our parents."
Mariam turned towards Sophia
"you know what you should do?"
"hmmm"
"you should get him drunk, like really drunk, and then have sex without a condom, that's how i got Barry to do it, and then like magic, poof, i was pregnant."
"yeah, i know huh?"
i wanted to drive that truck right into a fucking lamp post. this world doesn't deserve people like that floating around on it, people who can do that to another person and not even have an ounce of regret, guilt, or sorrow in them. i felt bad for Barry, the guy was a prick, but fuck, i wish he had a better half. because this chick was straight evil sent from the devil. Mariam was polluting Sophia's brain with this stuff and i started wondering what other things she was teaching her when i wasn't around. i didn't like this one bit.
thats when i started looking for my way out
but i was already too deep. too involved. i had become her little sisters godfather for christ sake. i couldn't go anywhere. i was trapped. forever. i started spending more time in my room with beer and cigarettes, sometimes i'd hike up into the mountains behind my house and sit there smoking and drinking until i couldn't feel anymore, wishing that i could disappear into the night air and be carried away to different parts of the world.
i came over to Sophia's house one day and as i was crossing their lawn i heard loud shouting, and things being moved around. i walked up and Sophia was at the door with her little sister behind her.
"Papi and Elias are fighting!"
i walked in and the living room looked like a bomb hit it. there was a hole in the t.v. and the couch was flipped over. there were beer cans all scattered around and the coffee table was broken in half. there was Roberto standing in the middle, with one of the coffee table legs in his hands beating Elias who was on the ground in a ball crying.
"Roberto"
"oh, look who came to join the party, its my whore daughters punk ass boyfriend. leave before i get you next!"
he was sweating and his face was bright red, his eyes were wild. Roberto was on something, some drug. i knew he was.
i had driven him downtown to score drugs a few times, we'd creep down Los Angeles Street until he saw his guy, at which point he'd jump out of the car and i'd meet him around the corner. he never offered me any of the hard stuff, just the cigarettes with weed tips, nothing major. whenever we got home he'd go sit in the backyard and do whatever it was he bought, nobody went out there for at least 4 hours and Sophia would leave an ice chest with beer by the backdoor for him. Keep daddy happy, don't let daddy flip out, be good to daddy..
"i'm leaving Roberto"
"ok chavala"
Sophia grabbed my arm as i was heading out the door, i motioned for her to go outside with me.
"don't leave!"
"i'm not, but he needs to think i'm leaving so he can calm down, i'll sit out here and if he gets really crazy call me and i'll come in."
"promise?"
"baby, i'll never leave you, i love you, you know that"
"i love you too"
tears were coming down her face. real Gone With the Wind style. i sat with my back against the wall and waited. i heard him yelling at them. calling them mistakes, and whores, and good for nothing swine, he called Elias a puta and told him that he was a mistake. Elias didn't like that and it got real quiet suddenly. then Sophia called my name and i stood at the door. Roberto was on top of Elias with his hands wrapped around his neck. Elias was beginning to turn purple and i knew i had to do something. i snuck up behind him and called out his name.
"ROBERTO!"
i reached back and put all of my anger for him and others like him into my fist, all of the name calling, all of the pressure that he gave me and i let it all fly towards him. my fist landed right on his temple and he fell over on the floor. he tried to get up and was mumbling, stumbling around like a fool, but he never made it to his feet, he collapsed there on the floor in the living room, amongst the beer cans. seemed just.
after that Sophia and i didn't get along at all. i think she resented me for hitting her father and i wasn't allowed over at the house anymore. She started cheating on me and purposely pushing my buttons to get me angry. i couldn't blame her.. it wasn't her fault, she was born and raised a certain way, and her father had beaten the love out of her, her sister had made her a lying, deceiving, sneaky girl and i couldn't save all of them. i just wanted to save myself, but little by little, things started falling apart, and finally, we were just two empty shells of humans sitting alone in opposite sides of the city.
there's no lesson here. no real point or moral to draw from this. I see Roberto from time to time riding is bike around town, but he doesn't acknowledge me, so i just pretend like i don't see him either. maybe it's easier for him that way? maybe he just doesn't really care? i don't know and i don't think it matters, not to him, and not to me.
if anything this is a story about how important those years between 16 and 21 are. i should of been going on dates, getting ready for college, learning how to socialize correctly and become a responsible adult.
instead i would sit around with an aging drunk watching soccer and driving him to the liquor store when i had no business being in a car. whenever i was home i'd sit in my room with my favorite lamp on, some Tecates, a pack of Marlboro's and a stack of books and stay up late into the night. sometimes i'd write, but it would all be very vague and pointless.
Sophia is happy now, she finally had a baby and lives out near Arcadia. we seldom talk. her little sister Paola also has a baby and her younger sister Eve has a baby boy. a family filled with little bundles of joy. i'm happy for them. actually, honestly, i am happy, because i'm no longer apart of that, so i'm actually really happy for myself. which matters most.. because in the end, it's just me and this brain. and if i lose him, then i really have lost.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Do It In a Pair, If You Can
two
tiny
ants
crawling up my arm
looking for?
a good time
"then crawl into my pants
no one will find you there"
in their hands
a bottle of something nice
and a hunk of cheese
ant date
gone wrong
two
tiny
ants
crawling along the floor
looking for?
a place to live
to call home
to lay next to each other
to be warm
two
tiny
ants
crawl in from the cold
lay their antennas next to fire
put their boots up to dry
pour each other drinks
from the good booze bottle
rub each others feet
all six of them
(feet i mean)
two
tiny
ants
can't look
at each other
anymore
because the booze
is gone
and he can't
find food
and she's having a large
litter
of
baby
ants
soon
but he tries
everyday
and he
loves
her so
deep in his ant heart
he aches
and the pain
of this
is worse
than the pain
of starvation
in his small ant belly
and...
two
tiny
ants
crawl away
from
each other
scared to love
one
another
fighting off disaster
fiend for hope
happiness junkie
injecting
veins
with
positivity
is
unnatural
now what?
they
are
both
alone
here comes the giant boot
from the sky
to squash you
tiny
ants
crawling up my arm
looking for?
a good time
"then crawl into my pants
no one will find you there"
in their hands
a bottle of something nice
and a hunk of cheese
ant date
gone wrong
two
tiny
ants
crawling along the floor
looking for?
a place to live
to call home
to lay next to each other
to be warm
two
tiny
ants
crawl in from the cold
lay their antennas next to fire
put their boots up to dry
pour each other drinks
from the good booze bottle
rub each others feet
all six of them
(feet i mean)
two
tiny
ants
can't look
at each other
anymore
because the booze
is gone
and he can't
find food
and she's having a large
litter
of
baby
ants
soon
but he tries
everyday
and he
loves
her so
deep in his ant heart
he aches
and the pain
of this
is worse
than the pain
of starvation
in his small ant belly
and...
two
tiny
ants
crawl away
from
each other
scared to love
one
another
fighting off disaster
fiend for hope
happiness junkie
injecting
veins
with
positivity
is
unnatural
now what?
they
are
both
alone
here comes the giant boot
from the sky
to squash you
Against Me!
i'm trying to find some tickets for the Against Me show in Los Angeles at the Troubadour. pre-sale tickets were $10 each. there are some capitalist fuck nuts on craigslist wanting $40 each.
you know the band isn't even doing the show for money, they're not making shit, they're doing this so they can get some kids out and have a good time to some great fucking music.
this is for you, the $40 ticket poacher
it's amazing how someone like you can buy two tickets for less than $30 to see a band that clearly wants to keep their ticket prices low because they're obviously against having people like you at the club in the first place. THE Capitalist pig fucker. you know it's not even about the money, it's about what your doing, you're taking the whole essence out of great music, by asking for so much back, when you really haven't given anything, you're killing what makes this thing whole, you're not entitled to shit, or did your daddy not tell you that??.
You know for a fact that the band isn't making any money playing small venues and charging $10.
and yet
you rather make some money for yourself.
don't you listen to any of those fucking lyrics?
or are you too self absorbed carefully positioning your bangs over your eyes so you get that Good Charlotte look you've always wanted.
greedy slob
i'm sure you don't really give a shit about their music, or what they're doing, or how much work it takes to keep a ticket price that low so that hard working folks like us can go out and enjoy a night in a cramped place, surrounded by sweaty angry fucks crashing into each other and go back to our work soaked lives feeling just a little more empowered.
i'm sure you bought their official shirt at hot topic, and you probably got the official wrist bands to match.
you dirty prick
i hope when you have children they know what scum sucking bastards their parents really are.
you know the band isn't even doing the show for money, they're not making shit, they're doing this so they can get some kids out and have a good time to some great fucking music.
this is for you, the $40 ticket poacher
it's amazing how someone like you can buy two tickets for less than $30 to see a band that clearly wants to keep their ticket prices low because they're obviously against having people like you at the club in the first place. THE Capitalist pig fucker. you know it's not even about the money, it's about what your doing, you're taking the whole essence out of great music, by asking for so much back, when you really haven't given anything, you're killing what makes this thing whole, you're not entitled to shit, or did your daddy not tell you that??.
You know for a fact that the band isn't making any money playing small venues and charging $10.
and yet
you rather make some money for yourself.
don't you listen to any of those fucking lyrics?
or are you too self absorbed carefully positioning your bangs over your eyes so you get that Good Charlotte look you've always wanted.
greedy slob
i'm sure you don't really give a shit about their music, or what they're doing, or how much work it takes to keep a ticket price that low so that hard working folks like us can go out and enjoy a night in a cramped place, surrounded by sweaty angry fucks crashing into each other and go back to our work soaked lives feeling just a little more empowered.
i'm sure you bought their official shirt at hot topic, and you probably got the official wrist bands to match.
you dirty prick
i hope when you have children they know what scum sucking bastards their parents really are.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
My Last Two Twenties
i decided to spend my last two twenties on me
i had a few Jacks
Sans the coke
i lost two women on the same day
oy vey
one could love me very much
and i know it
i look deep in those eyes
and i feel it
zapped right into me
but she's scared of something?
everything?
maybe nothing?
i gave her a choice
and she took the road less traveled
i highly doubt she'll come back
but i can't give up hope
right?
anything worth fighting for is worth fighting
for twice.
right?
fucking right.
the other knows exactly who i am
and says all the right things
i've been bad
i know
i've done some things
bad things
things that no one else would be okay with
but somehow
she understands my bullshit
and hot damn!
how can i go on a overnight binge?
and this girl still digs me?
maybe she needs a "buddons" as bad as i do?
maybe i don't need anything?
maybe i like all this
because i can put it down on paper
and that's selfish no?
yes?
Barnacle:
marine crustaceans with feathery food-catching appendages; free-swimming as larvae; as adults form a hard shell and live attached to submerged surfaces
Burger:
a sandwich consisting of a fried cake of minced beef served on a bun, often with other ingredients
even the definition makes you sick
it really does make me want to throw up in my hat
i feel better when none of you like me
when you all want to rip my face off
because then i'm not responsible for let down
and if you dislike me
then i don't have any expectations to live up to
the one i want doesn't want me right now
the one who wants me
has much baggage
it's much easier to be alone
to sit
in silence
by yourself
then the only one you let down is
you
and "you" can justify your let down
very easy isn't it?
i had a few Jacks
Sans the coke
i lost two women on the same day
oy vey
one could love me very much
and i know it
i look deep in those eyes
and i feel it
zapped right into me
but she's scared of something?
everything?
maybe nothing?
i gave her a choice
and she took the road less traveled
i highly doubt she'll come back
but i can't give up hope
right?
anything worth fighting for is worth fighting
for twice.
right?
fucking right.
the other knows exactly who i am
and says all the right things
i've been bad
i know
i've done some things
bad things
things that no one else would be okay with
but somehow
she understands my bullshit
and hot damn!
how can i go on a overnight binge?
and this girl still digs me?
maybe she needs a "buddons" as bad as i do?
maybe i don't need anything?
maybe i like all this
because i can put it down on paper
and that's selfish no?
yes?
Barnacle:
marine crustaceans with feathery food-catching appendages; free-swimming as larvae; as adults form a hard shell and live attached to submerged surfaces
Burger:
a sandwich consisting of a fried cake of minced beef served on a bun, often with other ingredients
even the definition makes you sick
it really does make me want to throw up in my hat
i feel better when none of you like me
when you all want to rip my face off
because then i'm not responsible for let down
and if you dislike me
then i don't have any expectations to live up to
the one i want doesn't want me right now
the one who wants me
has much baggage
it's much easier to be alone
to sit
in silence
by yourself
then the only one you let down is
you
and "you" can justify your let down
very easy isn't it?
Monday, December 7, 2009
This Isn't as Bad as You Sometimes Think
i looked down at my duct tapped wallet
and it didn't seem so bad
because it had money in it
i looked down at my sagging gut
and it didn't seem so bad
it meant i had enough to eat
i looked down at my drink
and didn't feel so bad
because i could sit in this shitty bar
and feel okay
surrounded by lifetime devoted drunks
i looked down at the two pool games i lost
and it didn't feel so bad
because it meant i learned something
a shot
a cut
reading the other person
waiting for their nicotine fix to kick in
i looked down at my swollen feet
and i didn't feel so bad
because it meant i had a job
serving people who don't deserve it
but every once in a while
i get an alright group
who clears their own table
and thanks me
for doing?
maybe nothing?
maybe everything?
i try not to think about it
i looked down at my cell phone
flipping through the names
and didn't feel so bad
because it meant i've had a history
people to learn from
people to leave
people to keep in the Queue...
and people who i love
i looked down at keys dangling from my hook
and didn't feel so bad
i have a place to sleep
a place to live
a car to drive
i looked down at my heart
and saw it beating through my shirt
calling for her
and i whispered to him
"hey, i know.. but we've got to be a team here
i know what you want. she wants it too.
but she's scared.
and we're in this together
so if she can't move towards you
then we have no choice but to be alone
together.
just me and you.
but we'll keep doing what we do.
keeping blood pumping
so help us god
sooner or later,
it'll happen.
she'll return
just enjoy it."
i looked down at my life
and didn't feel so bad
because it's full of so much shit
apathy
disaster
chaos
joy
i realized
i was looking down at everything
hot damn!
that must mean i'm on top!
and it didn't seem so bad
because it had money in it
i looked down at my sagging gut
and it didn't seem so bad
it meant i had enough to eat
i looked down at my drink
and didn't feel so bad
because i could sit in this shitty bar
and feel okay
surrounded by lifetime devoted drunks
i looked down at the two pool games i lost
and it didn't feel so bad
because it meant i learned something
a shot
a cut
reading the other person
waiting for their nicotine fix to kick in
i looked down at my swollen feet
and i didn't feel so bad
because it meant i had a job
serving people who don't deserve it
but every once in a while
i get an alright group
who clears their own table
and thanks me
for doing?
maybe nothing?
maybe everything?
i try not to think about it
i looked down at my cell phone
flipping through the names
and didn't feel so bad
because it meant i've had a history
people to learn from
people to leave
people to keep in the Queue...
and people who i love
i looked down at keys dangling from my hook
and didn't feel so bad
i have a place to sleep
a place to live
a car to drive
i looked down at my heart
and saw it beating through my shirt
calling for her
and i whispered to him
"hey, i know.. but we've got to be a team here
i know what you want. she wants it too.
but she's scared.
and we're in this together
so if she can't move towards you
then we have no choice but to be alone
together.
just me and you.
but we'll keep doing what we do.
keeping blood pumping
so help us god
sooner or later,
it'll happen.
she'll return
just enjoy it."
i looked down at my life
and didn't feel so bad
because it's full of so much shit
apathy
disaster
chaos
joy
i realized
i was looking down at everything
hot damn!
that must mean i'm on top!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
A Friend Indeed Needs Keebler Elves
it had to of been sometime in the early a.m.. cold fog covering the windows, moisture hanging in the air, i rolled over and felt my bladder crying out. i stumbled into the bathroom and pissed with one eye squinted. i didn't bother to wash my hands and felt my way back towards my room. i thought i heard small tapping on the front door and i stopped in my tracks.. silence... then tapping again.. and finally faint knocking.
"what the fuck?.. ugghh"
i dragged myself towards the door and looked through the peep-hole. tapping again.. rubbing my good eye, i saw that it was my friend Cody.. and boy was he sweating.. i cracked the door.
"hey"
"hey man, i need your help, put your shoes on"
"what the fuck?- it's.. uh.. whatever.. it's fucking early.. too early.. you okay?"
"just put your shoes on and come out to the car with me."
"quit fucking around, what happened? you crash or something?"
"no man.. i can't really say.."
"i'm going to sleep.. fuck off cody."
i closed the door and heard light tapping again.. i put my hands over my ears and went to my room, i wrapped myself up in the blankets and snugged my beanie on tight.
then.
pounding
loud pounding.... hard pounding..
"open up dead beat! police!"
i ran over to the door.
"shut the fuck up man.. you're going to freak Penny out.."
"shoes?"
"fuck fine.. i'm awake anyway.. not like i can sleep with you harassing me."
i lit a cigarette and walked down the stairs in my robe.. there was a light fog hanging in the air and his car had the running lights on.. we got in and Cody leaned over and put his hand on my arm, grasping a bit too tight..
"promise you won't freak."
"What's that smell?" - his car reeked of puke and urine, the cigarette mixing with these smells didn't help and i could feel my stomach tightening and my lower intestines shifting..
he looked me straight in the eye and motioned towards the back seat.. i didn't get it at first and then i turned and looked behind me.
crammed in the back of his '72 Plymouth Scamp was the body of a young naked woman. she had to be at least 18 (hopefully). by the looks of her she was snoring hard, and coming in and out of consciousness mumbling. the sweat had plastered bright cherry red hair to her forehead and her lips were crimson red. she had that nice alabaster skin, except half her body was covered in vomit and i'm pretty sure she had pissed herself.
"what the fuck man!"
"shhhh shhhh"
"don't fucking shhhh me asshole.."
"calm down"
"no, fuck that, i'm outta here, i didn't see shit."
he reached over and grabbed me by the collar of my robe as i was on my way out the door.. pulling me in he punched me in the ribs and leaned over to close the door.
"owww what the fuck.. ahhh"
"listen fuck stick.. i need your help.. she's not gonna die, but i got nowhere to keep her until she comes out of whatever the fuck it is she's on."
"please tell me this chick is at least 18"
"yeah i guess so"
"eh?"
"i mean yeah, of course, i met her at Johnnies last night so she's got to be at least 21."
"ok.. well fuck.. you're not keeping her in my house, and where's her clothes man?"
"you're sitting on them."
i moved over a bit and pulled a black dress out from under me and a black lace bra.
"where's her panties?"
"no panties"
"nice"
we both nodded.
"so.....uh.."
"yeah we fucked."
i gave him some serious stink eye. Cody was my friend, but he could be a bit of a prick sometimes and i didn't exactly know what happened. he could of drugged this chick, and she just might wake up any second screaming bloody murder and mace us in the face.
"What? don't look at me like that, i didn't do shit to her, swear.."
"yeah well..... then why's there a naked chick in your backseat covered in vomit?"
"i dunno.. we started fooling around and she gave me some pills.. when she reached over to the front to get the bottle i threw them under the seat.. she took at least 3 of them."
i fumbled around the floor for her purse and put the bottle of Evan Williams between my legs.. i lit another cigarette, took a pull off the bottle and riffled through her purse.
"our girl here is a walking pharmacy: Lithium, Adderall, OxyContin, Ephedrine, Valium, Skelaxin. shit man.. she could of taken any of these.. show me the pills."
as he was reaching under the seat i took her license out to make sure she was of legal drinking age.. can't be too safe now a days. her name was Ashlee.. ughh double "ee" her parents must of been stoners.
ah.. Ashlee from Aspen, Colorado.. wonder what mom would say knowing your out in Los Angeles eating Valium like candy and having sex with slime-balls like Cody?
he handed me the pills and through a little detective work i figured out that these were 2mg dose of Valium
"she'll be fine.. these are only 2mg and you need over 10mg to be in serious trouble and she took 3 right?"
"i think so"
"no. tell me if she took more, if not we're going to have to drop this girl off at the hospital and you know what that means.. rape kit.. stomach pumping.. extreme investigation and interrogation.... jesus christ man... by the time the cops get their hands on you they're going to tie your cock to a tractor and strap you to a light post and let the trannies in Hollywood have their way with you. i'm your friend but don't fuck with me, this is a goddamn human being in your backseat and honestly your fucking calmness of this whole situation makes me very uneasy, and shaky, and sweaty, and you know how i hate being fucking nervous, i hate anxiety, so look me in the eye and tell me if she took more than you think, or i swear to fucking god i will jump out of this car and call the goddamn cops myself."
"take it easy man.. 3.. i swear.. it was 3.. i remember.. because she said something about good things coming in 3's.. like holy trinity or some shit like that."
"hmm.."
i reached back and grabbed her wrist to take a pulse.. as i was counting i saw her tattoos.. princess on the hip bone, love in cursive on her ribcage.. a chefs toque on her wrist.. ahh what? a chefs toque? was this girl a cook or something? fuck i wouldn't mind working in a kitchen with someone this sexy.. she probably couldn't cook for shit but who am i to judge a girl who's passed out covered in piss? i'm no judgmental asshole. who's not a judgmental asshole? ahh this guy.. yeah..
90bpm.. just right.
"ok.. she should be fine.. she's breathing and probably puked up all the bad shit that was in her stomach.."
i took my robe off and wrapped it around her.. i wiped the vomit away from the edges of her mouth with my shirt and rolled her onto her side. she was actually very innocent looking sleeping like that, tranquil, kinda like one of those fragile looking glass dolls.. i thought for a minute what it would of been like if i had gone to the bar with Cody last night.. i might of hit it off with her, and saved the humiliation of all this. we could of been in my bed right now, spooning, with my face buried in those cherry red locks and the hot, sweet smell coming off of her as i pull the blankets tight around us to build a little cocoon to shed us from the evils of the world. maybe she liked baseball? we could go to the batting cages sometime and have a hot dog after, maybe walk around with a pint and get good and drunk.. sneak into a movie and throw popcorn at the screen..
suddenly i saw flashing blue and red lights behind us and i felt my stomach drop. it was the cops. and here we were, two guys in a car with a passed out dame and a shit load of pills.. a bottle of booze.. this was not good.. we were going to get into some serious trouble.. i'd get jail time for sure.. and probably raped in prison.. the judge would demand to have me circumcised with a pair of rusty kitchen shears and some used chicken wire, put my balls in a vice and tighten them until i clawed out my own eyes.. major fear coming on brewing with pure terror. if i was going to the stir, i was going to enjoy my last drink. i pulled the bottle to my lips and let as much of it run down into me as possible. the whiskey trickled down onto my shirt, and my throat began to close up, but i kept going until i couldn't drink anymore. i laid down with the bottle in my hands and crept up into the fetal position.
Cody turned around and punched me in the eye.
"oww you fucker"
"pretend like she's your girl"
"what? no fuck that, why'd you punch me?"
"shut up dick, put your arms around her and pretend like she's your special fucking lady friend"
"ok"
"now kiss her"
"what? No fuck that, she smells like barf"
"kiss her or so help me god i'll punch you in the nuts"
"fine... but wait... you didn't cum in her mouth did you?"
"no"
"swear"
"yeah"
i put my lips up against hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth. she tasted like teriyaki beef jerky
"she swallowed every drop of me though, girl had a mouth like a Hoover."
"aww what the fuck man?"
suddenly i puked all over the back of Cody's seat and then i blacked out.
when i woke up there was a cheeseburger on my chest. i laid there for a second, not really knowing what was going on, just staring at this cheeseburger rising up and down, up and down, very rhythmic and soothing. i didn't want to move or open my eyes all the way.. the sun had baked the car and the smell of dried vomit still lingered in the air. i didn't have my pants on.
"holy fuck!"
i got up and looked around.. what happen to the girl? and where's Cody? did the cops take them and leave me here with this fucking cheeseburger? were they coming back for me? did they tow the car to the scrap yard and was i about to be crushed into a 6'x6' cube? ahhh shit!
my head was pounding and as i opened the door i puked all over the sidewalk. this was fierce puke, the puke with so much projectile and force behind it that when it hits the grass, some of it splashes back onto your face which in turn makes you puke even more..
"holy fucking jesus christ almighty, goddamn i feel like shit."
i laid face down in the grass for sometime waiting for the cops to handcuff me and drag my sorry ass to jail.
"quite a mouth on this one huh Cody?"
i looked up and saw two people sitting on the hood, but the sun was behind them so i couldn't see their faces.
"yeah but he's like the tin man, heart of gold in this kid"
"Cody?"
"yeah.."
"what happened?"
he helped me up and gave me some water. i tried to eat as much of the cheeseburger as i could, but my stomach felt raw, like a skinned knee.. warm and gooey.
"when the cops walked up to the car i told them that you and Ashlee just got engaged, and that you both got shit face plastered. some guy punched you and i was driving you two back home and it also turns out that Ashlee's dad is a therapist, so she has prescriptions for all that shit in her purse, you didn't see that in there did you smart ass..??"
i kept chewing on my burger and keeping my eyes away from Ashlee..
"what about the booze?"
"oh.. haha.. well when you puked, you fell over, and lucky for us your fat ass landed on top of the bottle.."
"so wait? my drinking saved us?"
"uhh you could say that"
just then i grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear
"you were just fucking with me right? you didn't really cum in her mouth?"
"no man, i told you"
"cause i could of sworn..."
"anyway, i got to be going boys, but thank you for the great night. i left your robe up by your door, it's a little smelly, might want to air it out."
"uhh ok.. it was nice meeting you"
"sure"
her girlfriends pulled up in a nice black BMW and she got in. it crept forward a bit and then Ashlee rolled down her window.
"Cody"
"yeah"
he came close and leaned over on the door
"thank you for being such a sweetheart and taking care of me like that, it was truly the gentleman thing to do..."
i put my hand up in the air, "Actually.."
Cody shot the stink eye at me, "I'm talking to my special lady friend over here man, chill for a second."
fuck me. goddamn prick son of a bitch
"i'm sorry i got a little out of hand, maybe we can grab dinner later? take me on a proper date?"
she batted her eyes and i could see Cody melting where he stood.
"of course baby. you got my number right?"
"yeah."
"ok, we'll talk later hun. bye"
she grabbed him by the shirt and gave that bastard a kiss.. she practically ate his goddamn face off.
Cody and i stood there as the car sped off and turned the corner. i was still holding the cheeseburger wrapper in my hand.
"hey Cody"
"yeah Jeremy"
"i fucking hate you"
"aww..i fucking hate you too man"
"what the fuck?.. ugghh"
i dragged myself towards the door and looked through the peep-hole. tapping again.. rubbing my good eye, i saw that it was my friend Cody.. and boy was he sweating.. i cracked the door.
"hey"
"hey man, i need your help, put your shoes on"
"what the fuck?- it's.. uh.. whatever.. it's fucking early.. too early.. you okay?"
"just put your shoes on and come out to the car with me."
"quit fucking around, what happened? you crash or something?"
"no man.. i can't really say.."
"i'm going to sleep.. fuck off cody."
i closed the door and heard light tapping again.. i put my hands over my ears and went to my room, i wrapped myself up in the blankets and snugged my beanie on tight.
then.
pounding
loud pounding.... hard pounding..
"open up dead beat! police!"
i ran over to the door.
"shut the fuck up man.. you're going to freak Penny out.."
"shoes?"
"fuck fine.. i'm awake anyway.. not like i can sleep with you harassing me."
i lit a cigarette and walked down the stairs in my robe.. there was a light fog hanging in the air and his car had the running lights on.. we got in and Cody leaned over and put his hand on my arm, grasping a bit too tight..
"promise you won't freak."
"What's that smell?" - his car reeked of puke and urine, the cigarette mixing with these smells didn't help and i could feel my stomach tightening and my lower intestines shifting..
he looked me straight in the eye and motioned towards the back seat.. i didn't get it at first and then i turned and looked behind me.
crammed in the back of his '72 Plymouth Scamp was the body of a young naked woman. she had to be at least 18 (hopefully). by the looks of her she was snoring hard, and coming in and out of consciousness mumbling. the sweat had plastered bright cherry red hair to her forehead and her lips were crimson red. she had that nice alabaster skin, except half her body was covered in vomit and i'm pretty sure she had pissed herself.
"what the fuck man!"
"shhhh shhhh"
"don't fucking shhhh me asshole.."
"calm down"
"no, fuck that, i'm outta here, i didn't see shit."
he reached over and grabbed me by the collar of my robe as i was on my way out the door.. pulling me in he punched me in the ribs and leaned over to close the door.
"owww what the fuck.. ahhh"
"listen fuck stick.. i need your help.. she's not gonna die, but i got nowhere to keep her until she comes out of whatever the fuck it is she's on."
"please tell me this chick is at least 18"
"yeah i guess so"
"eh?"
"i mean yeah, of course, i met her at Johnnies last night so she's got to be at least 21."
"ok.. well fuck.. you're not keeping her in my house, and where's her clothes man?"
"you're sitting on them."
i moved over a bit and pulled a black dress out from under me and a black lace bra.
"where's her panties?"
"no panties"
"nice"
we both nodded.
"so.....uh.."
"yeah we fucked."
i gave him some serious stink eye. Cody was my friend, but he could be a bit of a prick sometimes and i didn't exactly know what happened. he could of drugged this chick, and she just might wake up any second screaming bloody murder and mace us in the face.
"What? don't look at me like that, i didn't do shit to her, swear.."
"yeah well..... then why's there a naked chick in your backseat covered in vomit?"
"i dunno.. we started fooling around and she gave me some pills.. when she reached over to the front to get the bottle i threw them under the seat.. she took at least 3 of them."
i fumbled around the floor for her purse and put the bottle of Evan Williams between my legs.. i lit another cigarette, took a pull off the bottle and riffled through her purse.
"our girl here is a walking pharmacy: Lithium, Adderall, OxyContin, Ephedrine, Valium, Skelaxin. shit man.. she could of taken any of these.. show me the pills."
as he was reaching under the seat i took her license out to make sure she was of legal drinking age.. can't be too safe now a days. her name was Ashlee.. ughh double "ee" her parents must of been stoners.
ah.. Ashlee from Aspen, Colorado.. wonder what mom would say knowing your out in Los Angeles eating Valium like candy and having sex with slime-balls like Cody?
he handed me the pills and through a little detective work i figured out that these were 2mg dose of Valium
"she'll be fine.. these are only 2mg and you need over 10mg to be in serious trouble and she took 3 right?"
"i think so"
"no. tell me if she took more, if not we're going to have to drop this girl off at the hospital and you know what that means.. rape kit.. stomach pumping.. extreme investigation and interrogation.... jesus christ man... by the time the cops get their hands on you they're going to tie your cock to a tractor and strap you to a light post and let the trannies in Hollywood have their way with you. i'm your friend but don't fuck with me, this is a goddamn human being in your backseat and honestly your fucking calmness of this whole situation makes me very uneasy, and shaky, and sweaty, and you know how i hate being fucking nervous, i hate anxiety, so look me in the eye and tell me if she took more than you think, or i swear to fucking god i will jump out of this car and call the goddamn cops myself."
"take it easy man.. 3.. i swear.. it was 3.. i remember.. because she said something about good things coming in 3's.. like holy trinity or some shit like that."
"hmm.."
i reached back and grabbed her wrist to take a pulse.. as i was counting i saw her tattoos.. princess on the hip bone, love in cursive on her ribcage.. a chefs toque on her wrist.. ahh what? a chefs toque? was this girl a cook or something? fuck i wouldn't mind working in a kitchen with someone this sexy.. she probably couldn't cook for shit but who am i to judge a girl who's passed out covered in piss? i'm no judgmental asshole. who's not a judgmental asshole? ahh this guy.. yeah..
90bpm.. just right.
"ok.. she should be fine.. she's breathing and probably puked up all the bad shit that was in her stomach.."
i took my robe off and wrapped it around her.. i wiped the vomit away from the edges of her mouth with my shirt and rolled her onto her side. she was actually very innocent looking sleeping like that, tranquil, kinda like one of those fragile looking glass dolls.. i thought for a minute what it would of been like if i had gone to the bar with Cody last night.. i might of hit it off with her, and saved the humiliation of all this. we could of been in my bed right now, spooning, with my face buried in those cherry red locks and the hot, sweet smell coming off of her as i pull the blankets tight around us to build a little cocoon to shed us from the evils of the world. maybe she liked baseball? we could go to the batting cages sometime and have a hot dog after, maybe walk around with a pint and get good and drunk.. sneak into a movie and throw popcorn at the screen..
suddenly i saw flashing blue and red lights behind us and i felt my stomach drop. it was the cops. and here we were, two guys in a car with a passed out dame and a shit load of pills.. a bottle of booze.. this was not good.. we were going to get into some serious trouble.. i'd get jail time for sure.. and probably raped in prison.. the judge would demand to have me circumcised with a pair of rusty kitchen shears and some used chicken wire, put my balls in a vice and tighten them until i clawed out my own eyes.. major fear coming on brewing with pure terror. if i was going to the stir, i was going to enjoy my last drink. i pulled the bottle to my lips and let as much of it run down into me as possible. the whiskey trickled down onto my shirt, and my throat began to close up, but i kept going until i couldn't drink anymore. i laid down with the bottle in my hands and crept up into the fetal position.
Cody turned around and punched me in the eye.
"oww you fucker"
"pretend like she's your girl"
"what? no fuck that, why'd you punch me?"
"shut up dick, put your arms around her and pretend like she's your special fucking lady friend"
"ok"
"now kiss her"
"what? No fuck that, she smells like barf"
"kiss her or so help me god i'll punch you in the nuts"
"fine... but wait... you didn't cum in her mouth did you?"
"no"
"swear"
"yeah"
i put my lips up against hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth. she tasted like teriyaki beef jerky
"she swallowed every drop of me though, girl had a mouth like a Hoover."
"aww what the fuck man?"
suddenly i puked all over the back of Cody's seat and then i blacked out.
when i woke up there was a cheeseburger on my chest. i laid there for a second, not really knowing what was going on, just staring at this cheeseburger rising up and down, up and down, very rhythmic and soothing. i didn't want to move or open my eyes all the way.. the sun had baked the car and the smell of dried vomit still lingered in the air. i didn't have my pants on.
"holy fuck!"
i got up and looked around.. what happen to the girl? and where's Cody? did the cops take them and leave me here with this fucking cheeseburger? were they coming back for me? did they tow the car to the scrap yard and was i about to be crushed into a 6'x6' cube? ahhh shit!
my head was pounding and as i opened the door i puked all over the sidewalk. this was fierce puke, the puke with so much projectile and force behind it that when it hits the grass, some of it splashes back onto your face which in turn makes you puke even more..
"holy fucking jesus christ almighty, goddamn i feel like shit."
i laid face down in the grass for sometime waiting for the cops to handcuff me and drag my sorry ass to jail.
"quite a mouth on this one huh Cody?"
i looked up and saw two people sitting on the hood, but the sun was behind them so i couldn't see their faces.
"yeah but he's like the tin man, heart of gold in this kid"
"Cody?"
"yeah.."
"what happened?"
he helped me up and gave me some water. i tried to eat as much of the cheeseburger as i could, but my stomach felt raw, like a skinned knee.. warm and gooey.
"when the cops walked up to the car i told them that you and Ashlee just got engaged, and that you both got shit face plastered. some guy punched you and i was driving you two back home and it also turns out that Ashlee's dad is a therapist, so she has prescriptions for all that shit in her purse, you didn't see that in there did you smart ass..??"
i kept chewing on my burger and keeping my eyes away from Ashlee..
"what about the booze?"
"oh.. haha.. well when you puked, you fell over, and lucky for us your fat ass landed on top of the bottle.."
"so wait? my drinking saved us?"
"uhh you could say that"
just then i grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear
"you were just fucking with me right? you didn't really cum in her mouth?"
"no man, i told you"
"cause i could of sworn..."
"anyway, i got to be going boys, but thank you for the great night. i left your robe up by your door, it's a little smelly, might want to air it out."
"uhh ok.. it was nice meeting you"
"sure"
her girlfriends pulled up in a nice black BMW and she got in. it crept forward a bit and then Ashlee rolled down her window.
"Cody"
"yeah"
he came close and leaned over on the door
"thank you for being such a sweetheart and taking care of me like that, it was truly the gentleman thing to do..."
i put my hand up in the air, "Actually.."
Cody shot the stink eye at me, "I'm talking to my special lady friend over here man, chill for a second."
fuck me. goddamn prick son of a bitch
"i'm sorry i got a little out of hand, maybe we can grab dinner later? take me on a proper date?"
she batted her eyes and i could see Cody melting where he stood.
"of course baby. you got my number right?"
"yeah."
"ok, we'll talk later hun. bye"
she grabbed him by the shirt and gave that bastard a kiss.. she practically ate his goddamn face off.
Cody and i stood there as the car sped off and turned the corner. i was still holding the cheeseburger wrapper in my hand.
"hey Cody"
"yeah Jeremy"
"i fucking hate you"
"aww..i fucking hate you too man"
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