I Gotta Take Action

i sit, in waiting room
listening to a table of middle aged broads
talking about past pregnancy
i see an older version
of the girl i once had
black hair, light skin, flower tattoo over the shoulder
and hollow empty eyes
i digress
mismatched socks and lack of expression
middle aged broads
guts hanging over fashionable belts
turkey neck
gobble
gobble gobble gobble
sagging ass, like if the tight jeans will
rejuvenate their decaying youth
jury duty
fucking jury duty
even here, at my most
i feel hunger and starvation
this girl knows everything
i wonder if she knows how annoying i find her?
i wonder if she knows anything other than the fake science
of popping watermelons out of her vein infested legs?
probably not
but she likes shiny things
and god almighty she make great conversation
no?
and that's all that matters
even at our best
hope for more

Severe Leakage

lips dry, foaming at the mouth, it came running after, it smelled my scent, i hadn't showered in a few days, i was sticky and the hole in my sock tore more with each step i took. i was walking into a pit of snakes.
the phone rang
hello
hey its Michelle from San Francisco.
(formalities)
.... i just drove out and wanted to see what you were up to....
i was heading home, where are you?
i'm right off the 110 at the Chevron on Fig.
oh.. where you staying?
i'll probably sleep in my car or something.
nonsense.. you eat yet?
nah
i'll come get you and we'll head out. give me like 15 minutes
ok.

i had to admit, my heart was beating a little faster, i could feel my palms start to sweat, i drove a little faster, i glanced in the rear view to make sure there wasn't anything hiding in my beard, other than my bullshit.

she followed me to my place and parked. i got out to open the door for her, and i locked my side, for the Bronx Tale test. as i walked around the back of my car, i saw her lean over and unlock my door, and then open it and give it a nice push.

fuck yes. things hadn't changed. i was in

we drove out for tacos. i threw a few glances her way while i was driving, she hadn't changed a bit. that long mass of curly brown hair, those dark, giant raccoon eyes, and her legs sticking out under that nice skirt. i imagined pulling her skirt up around her waist and going to town. it was quiet a treat.

she put up a nice fight when i told her she could stay with me, she was in town to finish her album and secretly wanted to hang out, but didn't want to make it seem like i was her only option. i pretended i didn't realize this, why? i had my reasons, i ran my hand through my beard again, more bullshit building up.

the whole drive home she couldn't stop talking about how much she wanted to get high.

there's a rumbling going on above me, fucking guy upstairs has about 18 small dogs and i awake almost every morning to the sound of their small feet shuffling back and forth, constant barking, and a loud blaring t.v.
occasionally, the guys and i get together and play some music late into the night, he never complains, so i don't complain about the dog pound he's running upstairs.
unspoken agreement

meanwhile, back in the car with the Ukrainian pot head:

i gave in and told her we'd smoke, but i didn't have anything to smoke out of. the resourceful girl went ahead and made a pipe out of aluminum foil. this is the part where it got a little weird.

we were sitting out on the steps of my building. the weed was pretty much gone now, but the poor girl wanted to go for broke. she took one last long, hard hit and coughed. she inhaled so hard that the foil broke and all the ash went halfway down her throat, she coughed a little more, stood up, and vomited on my pants and shoes

i tried not to laugh, but couldn't help it.

"oh my gawd, you must think i'm so gross, i'm sorry.. i'm sorry.."

on and on like this, i assured her that it was all cool, we headed up to the apartment. i gave her my old chef pants and a long sleeve shirt. when i took my shoes off she laughed at the hole in my sock and called me cheap. i laughed with her and turned the light out.

we lay there together for several minutes, not saying a word. i finally put my arm around her and started kissing the back of her neck, she shuttered and i could feel her body warming up. i grabbed her chin lightly and moved her head towards me, we kissed momentarily, my hands ran up and down those beautiful legs of hers. she tasted like orange soda.

i woke up to the rumbling sound of the dogs above me. bark bark, hack hack, cough cough, sniffle sniffle, what a night. i looked over and saw that she was gone. i ran out to the living room and looked out the window, her car was nowhere to be seen.

what a hell of a way to start a new year.i showered and had some coffee. i sat there in my chair for awhile thinking about the night before, and how i wanted more of that. how i wanted every night to be as fun filled and comfortable as that. how i wanted more action and to be able to look into those big dark eyes. to smell her on me and know that no matter what a bitch the girl could be, or how much of an asshole i could be, we'd still find a way to make it out of the jungle alive. to make it.

i walked out to the trash chute and opened the door. i held the socks in my hand for a long time, harnessing the moment, being infatuated with someone who probably only saw me as a friend, and i would never hear from again. i thought about the reality of the situation. i balled the socks up and threw them down the chute, down into the trash. i trotted back up the stairs and ran my hand through my beard again...

Let me Have a Look

things
aren't
real
if you
don't ever
say
them
out loud
there's more than
one
of me
in
all
of me

Science Center

and well....
here we are
"now isn't the time for that"
indeed
it's never the time, or a quarter to it
inward seething
my stomach burned all the way up to my gum's
my palms were sweaty
i'm not a good hand holder
and i'm nervous always
one favor please
come closer
closer
closer still
now.
the brain
i marveled at the model of the brain
all these things that go on
in this 3lbs of soft pink flesh
the total abuse i give it
and still
it responds
that's all we need sometimes
a response
a honest to god response

I Bought You Flowers Today

from the receipt:

polluted, everyone, everything, polluted
this city is a giant dumpster
and you all know it
everyone deceased
even in this madness, even i,
even the dogs and children are mad
one can only hope
one can only believe in something
with the twinkling eyes
we've all been tricked
oh yes
the disease eats its way through the walkways,
like termites
everything crumbles
evaporates
distance
there will be others
and that i am sure of
you will come in pairs
or three at a time
you will hide away
like a blanket placed over my birdcage

Santa Clause was Grandfathered In

it's closing in
the time to litter the sidewalk with christmas trees
time to come out of sickness with our own voice
to develop our own small indents that make us whole
the small variables and actions
the way you hold your cup against your chin
or the style in which you slouch
slouching towards the left
or right
depending on which side you're standing

There is No Incision Deeper Than the One Made By You All

always fighting the tide,
there is no salvation
no god, no women or man, nothing
nothing will come down from the heavens
and nothing will stroll into the room
and take all the pity and remorse away
there is only you
"sometimes i wish i could start over"
yeah well,
you can't
"this isn't the way it was suppose to be done"
yeah well,
we're in it, either we change it, or lay down with it
you take these things to bed
even your loudest moan will never drown out
the sound of wind blowing through your empty soul
no matter how hard you dug your nails into my spine
will the blood run warm from your lips
pale blue lips
pale blue eyes
it's necrophilia
yes.
we as men have all fucked a corpse
on occasion
more than once
frequently
i did it for 6 years
not literally of course
cause that's just sick
but....
but you have false power
hiding between you
i made my choice
but i'm not absolute in my purity
my dick calls, "You should of done it!"
while my mind knows whats right
so now i argue with my dick
i argue with my brain
and i argue out loud
to whoever will bear it.